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I just opened my facebook a while ago. I was quite surprised when I saw 2 messages from my ex-boyfriend. The first message said "I love you". It was kind of weird for him to send that message, since I knew, that he loves Ruth,my bestfriend and also my bestfriend.
The second message was more weirder. It says, "It's a waste. We can't see each other again. Can I still court you? I love you. Can you please come back?".  I couldn't believe that he would write something like that. Then, I saw another message below. He said he was sorry for sending a message like that. His classmate was the one who sent the message to me and was just making fun.

The two messages were too good to be true. Well, at least, it's clear that he was not the one who sent it. Or else, I don't know what I'm gonna do to him.

12/12/09 7pm

Well, today I'm having some emotional struggles up and downs.  I've had moments that my heart jumps and think on how prior to exactly 7 days ago he used to always ask me if I still love him (constantly) and that If I was his, and I'd ask him if he's mine and that if he has eyes for me only or if he's always faithful to me while he's at work, he'd always answer yes and I'd always answer yes too.....  today, we don't care to ask that to each other any more. 

I found out he has been making "social" phone calls to different community hotlines for a while now..... when I first discovered it over 4 months ago he swore up and down that it was a co-worker who he was lending his phone to, yeah right!  I confronted him about a recent activity which happened to be on a day that I was visiting my mom who was sick over at a hospital which was over 1 1/2 hr drive.  When I discovered this he said it was not him, that the phone is acting up, he also did it during a day that we spent at DMV to inspect his vehicle to get it back on the road again.  WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?WHYYYYYYYYY????????????????? gosh, it hurts soooo much!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He finally admitted it, looked at my crying and swore that nothing bad ever happened, that he never spent a penny on it., and that he won't do it again because he loves me, I believe him. 

I won't lye, I've been checking the phone records, no sign of daring calls like that, but then I wonder if he's using his business phone to do those calls, or maybe even meet someone physically or be with someone physically while he's at work, I worry so much, it's not even funny.  It's very very very hard to trust him again.

Can someone outthere gimme please some encouraging words.  I'm hurting so much, I love this man soooooo much!

 We listen to their cries of pain,

As we take the enemy's name in vein.

For they too think alike,

And release their rage with a terrible might.

So why a war, this war we fight,

Does peace not shed its golden light?

Instead we give eachother hell,

And along the way, others as well.

This war must end, some way, some how,

It must end not later, but now.

For in the end no one wins,

In the end it's only sins.

So why a war, this war we fight,

Is their no end in my sight?

Opening:

One little girl,

One little man,

On top of the world,

Holding hands.

Why didn't it,

turn out like they planned?

CHORUS:

How could you leave her,

dripping in tears?

How could you Tell her,

reality is her worst fear?

How could you say,

that she was you're mistake?

How could you dare begin to break,

her?

VERSE#1:

She's cold and alone,

she's far from home,

she loved him,

he said not forgiven.

CHORUS:

How could you leave him,

dripping in tears?

How could you tell him,

reality is his worst fear?

How could you say,

that he was your mistake?

How could you dare begin to break,

him?

VERSE #2:

Backwards he bent,

to show her love,

to make her heart mend,

with his gift from above.

CHORUS:

how could you leave me,

dripping in tears?

how you tell me,

reality is my worst fear?

How could you say,

I was your mistake?

How could you dare begin to break,

me?

ENDING:

One little man,

One little girl,

No longer holdin' hands,

on different worlds,

Why hadn't it,

ended like they plan?

How long does one stay where they know they were not ment to be? How long does one go on missing the one who really loved them and protected them? How long does no trust in anyone last?

  I know love and I know loss. I believe that everyone has a soul mate. Yes, there are others you will love but there is only ( I believe) one soul mate. Mine has come and gone. It hurts every day of every moment of my life. The worst days are days like this. The days that you feel it in everything you do. Everything you hear or see reminds you of them. Every breath you take makes you want to scream and your eyes hurt from the millions of tears you have shed. You can almost feel them there with you, holding you, smiling... you can almost feel their gentle touch. The worst thing is that you want to stay in this miserable moment all day just so you can be there with them once more. Then you realize that you must come back to your present reality, the one with your new love that is always there for you. You can't be in this state when they get home. The hard part is to pull yourself together and say good-bye to those cherished memories once again until that horrible day comes that tortures you all over again.

that boy called me up the night of my last post, and he ASKED ME OUT ON A DATE. and ever since, we've been hanging out at lunch and after his band and my chemistry. well, we're probably going over to his house on saturday and watching a movie! i keep thinking about kissing him and being with him and just everything about him. he put his arm around me for a really long time today, but it felt weird because i'm a tad taller than him =/. well, it seems as if he really does like me, and i'm not looking forward to gulf shores only because i wont see him AT ALL. :(. well, i'm hoping that the thursday night before i leave, i can hang out with him and maybe go on a date with him. i really want to spend the whole evening with him and have our first kiss. but you can't plan these things. they have to just happen. like mine and david's first kiss. i doubt he'll kiss me infront of his family. and i doubt we'll be left alone. not that his rents dont necessarily trust me, but just that we're only 15/16. but i really hope that she trusts me. even though i dont have any reason to be trusted. (but she doesn't know that). ;) haha. jk. well, i can't wait to just go on a date with him, i'm feeling so needy, like i just NEED to be with him. and i'm scared that i'm falling too hard too soon, because i know how much he can hurt me.

love always,
Jenna