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Ok well my name is Caitlin and I'm in the 7th grade. I don't have a big sis but a big bro. whos not very helpful. *lol* In grades kindergarden thru 4th grade a guy I am completely in love with was at my school and in my grade, too. His name is Alex. I have always had the same feeling when ever i see Alex. Except its gotten a little bit stronger. I start to shake if i see him or i get really really quiet. I have a "friend", Angel, (who I hate) whos mom sits me. Alex and Angel are like best friends but in fifth grade Alex transford. Sometimes Alex comes over Angel's house but all I can do is look at the floor the WHOLE time because im afraid that i will lock eyes with him and he might think im weird. I don't know if he likes me but everytime i say just one little thing to him then i start to shake like crazy! I want him to know but im too shy and im worried about what he would think, if he likes me and his response. Please help me!

*The Kewlest Dork*

I havn't posted anything in a while.

Alot has changed.

1. I'm completly && totally in love.

2. I've known this guy for 4 years, so stfu about being to young to be in love. (i'll tell you more about him when i have more time to write.)

3. I'm still having the same weird feelings that i was having in my last posts.

4. I'm getting increasingly better at the piano.

5. I got a kick ass camera. <3

6. Writing has become a huge part of my life, i'll post some of my quotes/sayings/poems at the bottom of this entry...

7. There is way to much stuff on my mind to number it all.

001.

i wish i would've died in your arms the
last time we were together. so i wouldn't
have to wake without you today

002.

but the most important thing is,
even if we're apart,
i'll always be with you

003.

You know you’ve read a good book
when you turn the last page
and feel as if you’ve lost a friend

004.

You're in a car with a beautiful boy,
and he won't tell you that he loves you.
And you feel like you've done something terrible,
like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills,
or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt,
and you're tired.
You're in a car with a beautiful boy,
and you're trying not to tell him that you love him,
and you're trying to choke down the feeling,
and you're trembling,
but he reaches over and he touches you,
like a prayer for which no words exist,
and you feel your heart taking root in your body,
like you've discovered something
you don't even have a name for

^^my favorite^^

005.

You have a choice. Live or die.
Every breath is a choice. Every minute
is a choice. Every time you don't throw
yourself down the stairs, that's a choice.
Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist

006.

Most days from the moment i wake to when i go to sleep at night....im unhappy. When i met you, all that changed

007.

And id rather be outside in the freezing rain with you
than to be warm in the arms of someone else.

008.

I guess what i like best about you is how you
can make me laugh even when nothing's funny.

The closest thing i've ever felt to love was this.

It's the scariest feeling in the world. But at the same time, it's the best.

It's hard to say if it's love.

But, it's the best thing to it.

That's all! This summer had ended, but I can't say, that I'm upset about it. It was maby the best time in my life...but now...more meeting with friends, more work for me

My love...I don't understand anything about him and about me. I's very hard for me? but I can't sat, that I've dissapointed in him.I want to see him,hug and kiss, but...another question:what wants he.

I have had a problem with low self esteem for years now and sometimes I just lock myself up and avoid people for weeks. This all stemmed from a husband who beat me and the next who cheated, a large weight gain after quiting smoking, along with a little teasing from the kids in school and you are bound for disaster. Counseling did not help. I believe this is because they ask all kinds of questions about who I am. How can they help when I don't even know who I am? I have started something on my own to fix ME! Nobody knows me better than I don't know myself! LOL So, I am on a quest to find out who I am. I now set aside 15 minutes a day for me. It can not be about my children, work or boyfriend. This is about me. I get out paper and a pen and write down who I am. My list is not always the same but at least I will figure out who I am. Every day I evaluate the list from the day before and then write a new list for today. I am slowly learning the statements that truely define me and the ones that I was tricked into believing is me. You should do the same. Some examples from my list today was... I am a mother, I am a daughter, I am a granddaughter, I am a woman, I am a sister, I am an aunt, I could be a best friend to someone some day, I am a photographer, I am an animal lover, I am lazy, I am fat, I love my lips, I love my eyes, I hate my teeth, I hate my legs, I am controlling, I can be hateful, I am over eager to please, I want everyone to like me, I am selfish, etc... My list is very long and has some horrible things in it but that is who I am to ME and nobody knows me better than ME! It changes all the time and the things I don't like about me, can be changed by ME and only ME!

I think, over time, this will be very helpful to ME!

At times, I sit alone and think about my past and how i have treated people. A moment in time can be only be for that moment, there is no way you can change it but to do it the rigtht way! "Treat others how you want to be treated," Jorge's voice replays in my head reminding me that I am Selfish. Am i really? Do i only think of about my needs and not others? I was told this by my boyfriend and my sibilings. The people that are closest to me recognize that Im just another one of the evil step sisters. (so to speak) I feel like my attitude towards others needs to do a complete 360. Maybe I wouldnt think so negative anymore, I suppose emotions are based off of my actions and my actions are what people think of me day to day. at work, people might think Im a stuck up individual. I keep to myself because im afraid of what one might think of me, if i say something wrong, look at them in a wierd way. Me of all people hate to be judged! The positive way to look at it would be just being independent and looking after myself. I think i might have taken that concept and put a whole new twist on it. I really need to think for others more, The quote of the day reads, ""Love me when I least deserve it, because that’s when I really need it." I feel like this applies to me in so many ways. At the times where im am cold and careless, that is when i need attention the most. I use being selfish as a shield for protection. Protection from getting hurt by the ones that are close to me. Brother, sisters, mother, father and boyfriend. The list of names have all let me down one way or another. The emotion of selfish protects me from thinkin me about others feelings. It protects me to feel whenever I am let down so i will then only concentrate on my feelings and the important things i need to make me happy. Cold, careless, nonchalantly acts from me, that is definitely a sign of me screaming for a hug, kiss or simply someone to just say Hi Jenee! Why am i this way? TO protect myself from any harm or let down! I guess i just need to learn a different method! where to begin?

Christy,

I know that it helps you to hate me, but you really need to realize what your hate is doing to me. I am so tired of being hurt by you and I' m not going to put up with it anymore.

I know that you told me that it helps your pain when you sleep with other people. I don't belive that, because I could tell that you are not happy with yourself and it makes you feel wanted to sleep around. That don't help anything at all. It's only going to make you feel all that much worse about yourself and the situation. You need to love yourself before you can ever be loved by anyone else.

The only reason that I'm writing this letter is because I really have got to move on and you keep wanting to stay in my life by sending me email and texts. Even though they are very nasty in nature if you really wanted me out of your life you would leave me alone. You will never see this letter and that's because I want to move on, but you are making it so damn hard to keep my mouth shut.

You really need to help yourself before you go out and hurt anyone else. Making other guys feel a miserable as you is not healthy and it's cruel.

Payton

I am getting off at 2:00PM today. I am going to go pick-up the kids and take them out to moms with me. After we do a little swimming I am going to take them to get a bite to eat. I'm hoping that seeing the kids will take my mind off of Christy. I also miss them so much. I can't wait to see them everyday again. Another reason that I will never be back with Christy and that I need to move away from this mess that was once called love.

I have been submiting questions to anserbag.com. It's a pretty fun site. When you ask or answer a question all of the other members can rate, answer and comment on your input. Sometimes it can really be a lot of fun. Some days it can really piss me off. It passes the time during slow periods.

I still can't get her off my mind. Let me give you a breif history of the situation. I have been dating Christy for four years on and off. She lived in Tipp and I lived in Brookville(about 20 miles apart). In about November she decided to buy a house in Brookville. I moved in with her. We had an alright relationship through the four years. The best part was that we are both very sexual people and we both explored our fantises together. Anyway our kids did not get along at all and the dream soon became a prison.

We began to fight quite often and everytime that we fought she would end up throwing me out of the house. On May 26th 2008 she threw me out again and I decided that it was really time to leave. I decided to leave for the sake of our kids and ourselves. I arranged to move in with a friend. He said that he was counting on me to help him with his house payment. He only needed me to stay for 6 months to a year. Wouldn't you know it that as I started moving stuff out she started changed her mind. It was too late. There was nothing that I could do. I wanted so much to keep thevicious cycle going, but I was not going to burn the only bridge that I had.

So the next weekend I moved my personal stuff in BN's home and I was no longer sleeping in her bed. We would go out when neither of us had the kids and we would have sex. Strike that, not just sex it was the most passionate sex that we had ever had. Then at the end of the weekend I would go back home. We would still get into fights and other then the sex nothing really changed. Now we've decided that we need to back off a bit, which as much as I hate to say it, I agreed. But this last weekend I found out that she slept with a mutual friend of ours. Now every bad thought that I have always feared is rearing it's ugly head. How long was this being planned? Is this the only time? Did he give her anything? and on and on.... I slept for a total of 2 hours last night.

I have got to move on! I can't keep doing this to myself. I don't want my kids to see what I am doing to myself. There is no way that I can ever be with her again. I will never be able to trust her again. The worst thing is that I don't know if I can ever sleep with her again. So for that fact I have got to move forward and not backwards.

im the happiest woman  alive! i stepped out in faith  praying to jesus christ for amiralcle! and he heard me,through faith perservance and stepping out in faith i now have my mr right,the man ive longed for and dreamed about all my life,im totally in love. and feel like the luckiest woman in the world.we agree on so many things,and he is sexy handsome gorgeous and the most wonderful man ive ever met and he has made me so very happy in life.  LADIES  MIRACLES  HAPPEN WHEN YOU BELIEVE,JUST  BELIEVE.IM LIVING PROOF THANK YOU GOD ALMIGHTY,THANK YOU TO THE SON THANK YOU SPIRIT OF GOD,IT CAN HAPPEN IT DID HAPPEN,IT HAPPENED FOR ME,NEVER GIVE UP I DIDNT  NOT COMPLETELY,AND IM SO GLAD I WAITED IN FAITH,he is the sexiest best looking best friend  terrific  im hoping my family will be happy for me as im  so very very happy!