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    jazziette  62, Female, Arizona, USA - 7 entries
18
Sep 2011
9:41 PM CDT
   

Spreading my gossamer wings...


It's time to come out of the cocoon and to taste the beautiful and exotic mystery of life once more.

Breathe deep.....feel the unparallelled freedom of letting go!

Bask in the intoxication of your very own unique and exquisite being.

Time to fly again....like the miracle of the butterfly.





1 comment(s) - 10:33 PM - 11/01/2014
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Current Tags: adventure, depression, jazziette, life, love, rebirth, spiritual

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    inPlainSight  34, Female, California, USA - 2 entries
14
Feb 2011
6:59 PM CDT
   

Im tired of Blogging...

I'm tired of blogging with the intent that everyone will read it. Hoping that someone reads it. Watching what I say because of who might read it and so forth. I haven't written just for me for so long. It's a weird kind of privacy to just sink into the masses and be a faceless, nameless writer. It's good though. As for my personal thoughts, I don't want them to go unattended to. I'd would rather have a perfect stranger read them than someone I know though. When blogging I have to pretend to be floating along through life perfectly. That's what everyone expects. I'm tired...

I don't want to go all dark on everyone, that's not my intention. But I don't always feel good, and I feel like I have no one to talk to about that. Everyone is busy, busy bees. Supposedly stressed because I interupt their work too much. They're not even really working. They sit there laughing at youtube, or whatever... that's not working. I feel like a 2nd class citizen to the people I thought I was 1st for. This could really depress me, but I haven't let it. It's got me down, but not depressed. I guess I'm scared of depression.

I live in chronic pain. I'm 25, overweight, ugly, and in chronic pain. I should be a miserable creature. I feel like I've been alive 250 years not 25. This pain thing is getting old. Really old. It's getting to the point where I don't even want to get out of bed. I feel like my life has been stolen and I'm trapped in this body that hates me. This fat girl is living my life like a selfish beast. Sometimes I get up the nerve to fight back against her, but... she's bigger than me, she always wins.

I just don't feel like uplifting anyone today... if I can't do it for myself how can I muster up anything for anyone else? I'm tired.

It's Valentine's day. I don't know whether to be happy or sad. Happy that I have someone who loves me, or sad that everyone forgets to love each other the rest of the year.

I feel really sick to my stomach when I look in a mirror. How does anyone love that?

Alright, well I have to go now before I get caught and interrogated...

So, bye...


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Current Tags: blogging, chronic pain, depression, fat

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    JustKeepSmiling :)  28, Female, California, USA - 2 entries
10
Feb 2011
7:41 PM CDT
   

What do you say when you want a friend to feel better? The truth is no one believes a person when they say, "I know how you feel." How can anyone possibly understand.

But I do. I went through pain and suffering. Maybe different circumstances, but the feelings are the same. For everyone on this Earth. So why are there still people out there who don't have compassion or empathy? Or at least some sympathy? We have all hurt in some way or another. Others hide it better than others but pain is pain. It hurts. It weighs down on you like a heavy brick. And each day you keep on smiling and lying to yourself more bricks get added every day until your stuck and can't go on anymore.
That's why it's so important to be open with your friends. To vent! To let some of that poison out even if it means they are going to scream and cry in front of me, curse, throw things. It's better than to hide it and allow it to fester and grow into a monster that you can no longer control.
I did that. I was stupid and 16. No wonder right? But I learned the hard way. Now, I am older and hopefully wiser. I wish people could understand the foolishness of such emotions like, hate and anger. How they don't help you at all and they only make your life harder and more miserable. Like Buddha said, I can't really quote it perfectly but it goes something like this: "Anger is like holding a hot coal in your hands with the intention of throwing it at the other person. But all you are doing is burning your own hand."
You get it? I didn't. Not when I was 16 I didn't! I was sooo full and blinded by my anger and resentment against my mother and the abandonment I felt that I let it take me over. My entire life and youth for that matter. I became this emotional vampire, dark, alone, and depressed. Severely depressed. I blamed her for everything. I hated her. I wanted to see her to feel pain because I was suffering.

Yup. Anger can make people do stupid things. That's why it doesn't make sense to me anymore why people would stick with it.
For example, my parents had this nasty divorce. Did I mention it's been 2 years now...and of course they won't give up to anything meanwhile their blood sucking lawyers already took my college money.
Yes, my life is complicated. But I looked at those two children that are my parents and bless them. I do. I say to myself, "Thank God that I learned from their terrible mistakes. That I am stronger now. That I learned." I go on with my day, seeing my mother and father, who believe me have horrible secrets and issues. They just won't admit it. From my alcoholic father, to my insecure mother who always finds the worst man to be with, (on purpose). It's sad truth be told.
But I am so lucky to have my older sister. Sure, she can steal my clothes and ruin two fabulous pairs of shoes....and mess with my food that one time. Nevertheless, I love her. No matter what, I have her back and she has mine.

In conclusion, no matter how messed up or complicated your life is, you need at least ONE person to be there and say, "I'm here for you. I love you. I think your hurting and angry and are saying this right now that later in life I know you will laugh at with me....and I see your hurt. But just know that you aren't crazy. Your not. Your a good person." Yes, everyone has the potential of being a good person. It's the higher road, and also the harder one. I just wish my friend can muster up the courage to really tell me whats on her mind and heart. Even if she tells someone else, I wouldn't care. I just want to see her better. Happy and well. Wether or not we are still friends when she does. When you care about a person that really doesn't matter. Just as long as they are happy.
1 comment(s) - 11:49 PM - 01/29/2012
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Current Tags: depression, divorce, friends, parents, problems

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    MyNameIsSteve  27, Male, Illinois, USA - 6 entries
10
Nov 2010
8:06 PM EDT
   

What Ive Realized So Far In My Life...

My life changes fast. I hate it, I hate change. It makes me look back�on how things used to be and makes me realize how much older im getting and how fast times are going by. Its a giant mystery as to what happens after its all over. Is there really a heaven and hell? Is there just nothing? Maybe my whole life just gets rewound like a movie and is constantly being replayed. Is it possible that i could be dying right now but at the same time be being born? I dont know what to believe. It just makes life harder and more confusing than it already is to begin with.

My name is Steve, and I am an asshole. I don't like talking to people i don't know. People have always just come off as strange and/or stupid to me. I dont like thinking im above these people, or below them, but i hate to think of putting myself on the same level as everyone around me. Aside from my girlfriend, i seem to be the only one that's capable of taking a step back from everything once in a while and looking at how thigns really are. I dont like living in a fairy tale world. I am addicted to reality, so im sorry.

Love is a feeling people seem to not know a lot about. Love is a�terrible and horriffic thing. Your whole world becomes a world that revolves around the one you love. Your life is filled with the obligation to care for this person and please them before you please yourself. Make them feel happy no matter what the cost. You do these things for this person not becasue you HAVE to do it, but becasue you WANT to. With love comes hardships. Fighting. Arguing. Paranoia. Get used to these things when you decide to love someone. (although to be fair, you can't "decide" to love someone, it just happens) Yes, with love you wil feel happiness beyond any boundaries you previously thought possible, but it's not always going to be strawberries and orgasms. With love comes a lot of bad feelings and a huge load on your mind. But its a feeling i wouldn't give up for the world. Nothing can ever beat the feeling of being loved/cared for by someone, or the feeling of loving/caring for someone yourself. This person that you love, he or she will become your world. Love is nothing short of obssession, this person will be on your mind 24 hours a day. Love is a terrible horrific thing, but when you put those two words together you get terriffic.... just sayin'. Love is, the best feeling you can possibly have. Only the luckiest people in the world will ever feel what true love is. And it is one damn hard thing to describe.

Depression. It is NOT fun in the least bit. NOTHING is fun when you're depressed. Your life is your hell. Ending it would be nice, but then you'd just be another statistic. You'd be labeled as crazy. And if you fail at doing yourself in, then it just makes the rest of your life even harder. To be honest, ive never wanted to truly kill myself, ive always known that there's always someone out there who's got it harder than me, and ive always known that hard times come and go. Love can lead you to depression (it didnt for me, but it easily can happen) That's another reason why love sucks. If that special person were to walk out of your life and you still loved them, I'd imagine it's like a slingshot that shoots you ten times further into hell than you were to begin with. No point in trying to be happy, you'll just get shot down in the end anyway. Happiness is a pipe dream and dream don't come true. Nothing lasts forever, and nothing ever will. Life sucks, but somehow it still goes on..... (i've come close to losing my special lady so i've got a pretty good idea of how this feels and that's how my mind would think.)

Life is a hard and confusing place.....

1 comment(s) - 08:00 PM - 11/19/2010
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Current Tags: change, depression, life, love

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    momof3s  46, Female, Texas, USA - 6 entries
01
Oct 2009
12:09 PM CDT
   

journal numero uno

this is the first one and will probably be the shortest due to the fact that i have started this close to the end of the day.� the husband will be home soon and of course i will have to get off the computer and try to have some kind of civil interaction with him and the kids.�

a little background on me....� i'm a 30 something mom of three girls.� i do have a full time, decent paying job but am home bound right now on short term disability due to having had surgery almost two weeks ago.� i've been stuck in this house.� and recently all our financial troubles came to light to the husband.� things i had been trying to take care of on my own and not having to worry him about.� things that quickly got out of my control and now may cost us our house.� so now he knows my dirty little secret and even though he tries to act like nothings wrong, i know at this point he despises me.� ok.� maybe that's not entirely true.� i think he should despise me.� i'm disgusted by myself.� so pretty much the electric�company will be disconnecting our service at any given moment, the landlord will be starting the eviction process probably this weekend.� and our vehicle will be repossessed sometime between now and next week.� i'm not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me.� i realize that i brought this on myself.� i just needed to put down somethings that i obviously can't say to him.� because even though he tries to act like he doesn't hate me i know that at the very least he resents me and i've come to the point where i don't feel comfortable talking to him about anything.� my thoughts and feelings at this point aren't worth a grain of sand.� i put us in this position.� i have been on the phone all day trying to work some things out.� i think i have accomplished a couple of things.� i just feel like such a failure.�

so now i'm almost two weeks out from my surgery.� i had my post op yesterday.� the doctor asked me if i wanted to go back to work.� i almost said yes just for the simple fact that i am so sick of being stuck in this house.� i'm not even alone, a family member of my husband's lives with us.� one i have never gotten along with well.� and who likes to take over the house like it's his and i'm just a squatter.� yes, this is our house and HE lives with US.� he pays rent now and then.� but this is MY�house.� not his.� his favorite thing to do is to wait till i go in the living room to watch tv, then come and sit in the living room and talk on his cell phone.� now mind you, our living room tv is a 57 inch tv we were given for christmas and it's the only tv that thas this digital converter on it.� he has a digital converter in his room but he broke his remote so he comes in the living room because of that and the fact that we have that huge obnoxious tv.� i feel like he does the things he does just to irritate me.� my husband says its just because he has no respect for women because he's allowed both his wives and both his daughters to treat his like he's a piece of trash.� and he also believes that everyone owes him.� he alone lost everything he owned and we were gracious enough to take him in after his daughter threw him out for the same things he's doing to me now.� but because he is not my family member, i have no say in the matter.� i have always said i don't want him living here.� but it's never been up to me.� and now unfortunatly we have gotten into the financial situation we are in and we need his money... no matter how or when we get it.�

i think that at this vary moment, my main problem is that i'm sick of being stuck in the house,�hungry, and lonely.� i don't really have a whole lot of pain still from my surgery.� there are times it does hurt, if i over do it or what not.� i already take anti-deppressants but i'm starting to wonder if i'm slipping into a depression that my meds won't help.� i've heard that its easy for people who are home bound after a major surgery to fall into a depression.� i was told that it happened to one of my family members though i never saw any signs from them.� i only know what i was told by their spouse.� i just feel like i've screwed everything up AGAIN as usual.� i feel like a failure.� like i've let down my family and my friends.� my friends that have tried to help me get out of my destructive behavior only to get right back to where i was.� right now i feel like taking a few vicodin and a xanax or two and just zoning out the rest of the day.� i've been on the phone with creditors screaming at me, telling me what a useless piece of crap i am.� only to call my husband upset by them and have him tell me that he agrees with them.� this has been a pretty jacked up day.� i have no clue what we will have for dinner.� but i think i'm just going to go to bed.� i know he will take care of them.� i just don't have the energy to deal with anything more today.......

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Current Tags: depression, financial problems, life, marital problems, sad

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    flowerlilliesofthegarden  43, Female, California, USA - 29 entries
08
Aug 2009
3:07 PM PDT
   

Depression and Anxiety

I have not been feeling at all today. The Depression group did not go well and I did not make it to my other groups. I had a severe migraine that would not go away and I felt nauseous all day. I also felt as if I was going to have an anxiety attack, but thank God I didn't. I really do not want to end up in the hospital again.On a better note though I�found $3 that someone had lost.� I�am sorry for the person that lost the $3, but it was good for me to find $3 because I�need it on Sunday, so my friend and I�can go out to lunch.� Hopefully, the person who lost it will not miss it.� The person dropped it on the ground.� If it had been in a wallet, I�would have found the owner and not kept the money, but since the bills were lying there open, I�didn't ask anyone if they lost some money because they could have said, "Yes,"even if they didn't and it cheered me up anyway.� I don't feel bad for keeping it because I know if I�lost money, someone would have it.� Once I�found $20 in the gutter and another time I�found $10 at school. �That was really cool because I�treated my friend out when I�found $20 and when �I found $10 I�treated my mom and friend out.�



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Current Tags: Anxiety, Depression, Health

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    flowerlilliesofthegarden  43, Female, California, USA - 29 entries
01
Aug 2009
2:57 PM PDT
   

Depression

I had an okay day.� I was feeling a little depressed just before I�went to bed.� I�do not know why.� I�hope tomorrow is better


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    6LOSTinTHEwind  35, Male, Canada - First entry!
10
Feb 2008
4:40 PM EDT
   

a poem

Yes ppl it's that time of year again, that's right Valentine's day is fast approaching and anyone who knows me knows that this time of year depresses the crap out of me so i have written another poem about it

AGAIN A YEAR?


You owe me nothing

Not even a tear

It's Valentine's Day

Yes it's been a year

I'm dead and hollow

sitting here

Limp and numb

As seasons pass

Yet still you blink,

not one lash.

Summers gone

And winter's passed

So in my wrist

I carve a gash

At first it trickles

Till at last,

My vein's run cold

And life has passed

In death there's warmth

And summers last

Again we're friends

Just like our past

And again my friend

I learn to laugh

But that was then

and this is now

So I stop to wonder about how

How it came to this

Is this the end?

But still I have one question then

My Question is;

HOW DID IT COME TO THIS?????

1 comment(s) - 07:10 PM - 02/16/2008
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Current Tags: death, depression, love, poem

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    mommy  31, Female, New York, USA - 20 entries
12
Aug 2007
1:09 PM EDT
   

Hi its Krysta, Sorry that I haven't Written in Such a long time, But I have Been so Busy With my Website and Helping Pleople. Anyway this Journal Entry is About Self-Injury: and I am Sure most of you Know what that this. I use to be a Self-Injurer, I have Been Self-Injury Free For About 6 months to a year, But as Always I Still Get the Feeling of wanting to Self-Injure. Also if you want to Know more or Find some Information on Self-Injury, you Can Always check out my Website at: www.freewebs.com/Ask-Krysta/ (There you Can Find Information on Self-Injury and many Other Things as well, and ifyou want me to Put something Else on the Website Just E-mail me at: Ask.Krysta@yahoo.com (in the Subject Put: Website) well I am Going to go For Now, so take Care, be Safe, and Please Remember that Things will Get Better, that it Does take time, and Also Remember that I am Always here For you. With Love, Always, Krysta
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Current Tags: Dark, Depression, Health, Help, Helper, Hope, Hopeless, Hopelessness, Info, Information, Pressure, Saddness, Self-Harm, Self-Injury, Stress, Teen Advisor, Websites

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    Empty  44, Female, Arizona, USA - 8 entries
14
Nov 2015
4:35 PM MST
   

Today is beautiful. It's just the right temperature... slight breeze. I hear the neighbors going out on their motorcycle. I think of the motorcycle we bought... I really believed we go places together. Riding around with you made me so happy.I just want someone to care about me. That's all I have ever wanted... he says I live in a fantasy world... maybe I do. I just want other people in my world. I am careful not to smother them with attention. .. I try to make them laugh and feel comfortable... but, they never stay. I try not to show my sadness... my insecurities. .. my emptiness. ..I offer to help... I just want to be a part of something... I want a family. I want friends. When I think back... it has been like this most of my life. I don't understand why. I don't know how to live... and i am not good enough to die... I need help... but, nobody cares
1 comment(s) - 08:39 PM - 11/16/2015
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Current Tags: community, Depression, internet

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