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    Ranilyn  25, Female, Canada - 26 entries
22
Mar 2012
2:12 AM MST
   

Here, once again.

Look who's back again.

Guess who's once again feeling stressed...and down...and misunderstood...and wanting to cry...and sick of everything...and worried...and upset...and wishing that it will all go away...would it be entirely terrible of me to just not go to school? Sometimes I wished I had the guts to fake sick like so many of my friends do. But I'm too 'good'. aren't I? I know I wouldn't be able to deal with disappointing my group members, or deal with the guilty conscience of lying to everyone.

But sometimes, in instances like this, I just want to say� "Screw it all, I don't care!". Ohhhh yeah, that would go so well.

I really thought I'd be over this. This semester was supposed to change everything, �this year was supposed to be different. Then I reread one of my previous teenage angst-y entries, and I find myself in the same mood as the time when I wrote that. In fact, I had more to add on to the�sorry list of miseries.

Look at me waste time on a school night, the day before the last day of spring break where EVERYTHING is due. Seriously teachers, are you just trying to torment us on purpose? All this "I don't want you to have to do work over spring break, it's for relaxation!" crap just means you choke all of us the week before -with an exception to Ms. Coleman because she was genuine in her wish to help us but at the same time allowing us to choose.

Italian Unification project, L.A reflection for the Chronicle of a Death Foretold, Extended Essay proposal due AND we need to talk to our EE teacher, freaking Chemistry Test tomorrow that's apparently weighted more than our final (what the heck?!) - which also apparently contains a decent amount of defnitions when our teacher had said not to worry about them, and Oma and Opa's anniversary thingy tomorrow after school which may require me to socialise while I'm cranky. Oh yeah...there's also IB math morning class.

Actually all this probably stemmed from chemistry, and I don't want to talk about it. I've never been terrified of school before.

Sometimes my family doesn't get it - especially my sister. Well actually, I think only my mother is making an effort to understand...I truly appreciate the amount of love and flexibility she's poured on me despite not actually understanding the situation. Dad's just stubborn and compares me to himself. My sister? It feels like she doesn't even bother.

Must I physically place a frown on my face, talk in a flat and upset tone, ignore her, stare anti social-y while my body language is stiff and screams stop bother me - all of which irritates and hurt her - in order for her to understand that I am� freaking serious, that i actually have to get the stuff done, and I'm not just finding an excuse to ignore her and be petty. argh.

I really should get to work...even if I'm already resigned on staying up late.

Ugh. This really sucks.

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Current Tags: complain, frustrated, school, stress

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    Ranilyn  25, Female, Canada - 26 entries
12
Mar 2011
2:11 AM MST
   

Some days...I really just don care...

Sometimes I really don't care...I just don't. Homework, marks, friends, family, courses/options, choices - really who cares? And I spend the time lying around, sulking in a corner, staring into space...in a secluded corner from my family, of course...I can't let them know...because it'll worry them and its because I, you know... actually care. How can I not? It'd be so much easier if I could just be...

Then the next day comes around, and I beat myself up for wasting that precious time on doing nothing. What was I thinking? Then the pressure builds up again, and something small, something just slightly�irritating causes it to snap...again.

You could probably tell I'm in one of�those moments right now or maybe�not.

Well,�I know for sure I'm procrastinating, supposed to be doing science right now. After all,�my friends�need my portion of the project to complete it, I shouldn't�worry them.�I was going to get right into it too.

I should also be going to sleep now, have to wake up early for library/preschool duty you know, but it's only now I'll get a bit of privacy and time alone when eveyone's sleeping.
I should be mature and go apologize to mom, and make it up to her, even if it wasn't entirely my fault.
I should practice my flute and finish my other assignments.
I should stop sulking and forgive�Dad and get over the scolding yesterday.
I should join youth again.
I should be more motivated to do everything.
I should be more reliable.
I should not talk back.
I should be more responsible.
I shouldn't be so easily irritated.
I should send Grandma and Grandpa a letter - with photos.
I "should" choose a career that is "good", "well paying" and "approved by asian parents" and "teachers with high expectations"
I "should" work harder...because apparently, it's not enough, because I'm not doing all I can.
I "should" quit musical theatre because it's causing me to be so busy, that if I continue to do it next year - while in the full IB program - I'll have no time and my marks my drop! Also, it troubles my dad to drive me places all the time!
I should be more considerate, less self centered, and more Christ centered so I cabn better love people.
I shouldn't be so childish. But I am still a child, right? Or perhaps not.
I "shouldn't" even be considering advanced acting or taking drama 20 or musical theatre! because...well, I "should" take all the important stuff first, and when I'm "done" I can take the fun stuff. Like when would that be? After I graduate?!! I want to take it now for a reason! Its HIGH SCHOOL...ugh. Just because *certain people* don't appreciate the arts, doesn't mean I have to follow.
I should be more like "so and so"
I "shouldn't" be like those�kids.
I should speak up for what is right, and for myself.
I shouldn't procrastinate, and should manage my time wisely.
I should...I should...
I should care.
But sometimes...I don't.

I want to do something with my life; I want to change the world! But it seems so difficult at times, like everyone is against you. I'm sure I'll be fine...it's hurting inside...and I can't let anyone know...but I'll make it through.

Christ lives in me, Galatians 2:20
I can do anything with God on my side. I'll be okay, more than okay if he's planning my life. Thank goodness I still have him to rely on.

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Current Tags: expectations, should, stress, worry

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    Ranilyn  25, Female, Canada - 26 entries
11
Mar 2009
12:05 PM MDT
   

Homework, homework and....more homework! argh!

Darn, I just wrote a perfectly long and wonderful entry and it....disappeared and didn't save!! Just great...on one of the odd days I manage to convince myself to write in the journal...it doesn't save. GAAAAAHHHH

I guess I'll have to retype...just without all the extra colors and stuff....Here we go:

Dear Journal,There's just been so much homework lately! Like seriously, I'm not talking about everyday worksheets and booklets! That I can handle. What bugs me is we get these huge projects and tests that come around the same time! You finish one project and you get another....wow.�
L.A presentation
L.A poetry project
Science Test
Math Chapter Test
Social presentation
Chinese skit/play thingy
Garrr...one after another!!! I've finished to L.A stuff, Science and Math is over...so now I just have Social presentation and the skit. But really....2 weeks ago its was so peaceful! It was merely the calm before the storm!! How weird to use it to describe the way my teachers give out homework.�
Well...at least I'm looking forward to the chinese play! Even if its kinda�a little tedious and going to be long....Especially with Emily and I doing almost all the work in our 5 people group...
However, that means that WE get to decide what play we're doing, WE choose what scenes we're gonna do, WE get to decide what they're gonna act....OOOHH, lemme tell you, this is going to be good!
I claimed director + 1/2 script writer! But in order to get this amazing position, it means I'll be the main translator for the play....
Still....poor Johnny, poor AJ, poor Aileen and Emily (even if she's helping cuz this is for the good of the play)....okay, okay, poor people who are in my group - except for me, that is! That's cuz I'm narrator. MUA HAHAHAH!!
So Emily's gonna fall in love with Jonathan...and vice versa (hehehe She already has a crush on him, so I'm sure we can squeeze in some awkward moments!)�
AJ's the emperor AND the herbalist whose married to Aileen. They will be parents of Emily.�
But don't worry, nothing will go further than a hug or two, so hand holding, awkward script....and sappy moments.�
But lemme tell you, its gonna be awesome!!! Everyone will have fun, and I guarantee you, we're all going to get a FANTASTIC mark on this. I hope ours will be the best, I think the top 2 plays will be Ours and Vivian's group. They have good people in their group and all, but they're going to act it out in Cantonese and sub title it in chinese. When I heard about this, alarm bells went off in my head....but they seemed convince that it'll be okay...so I'll leave it to them
I'm gonna fone Janette now!!�
Lots of luv �Joyce!
ps. I've written some other entries on paper...will type them up when I have time!
1 comment(s) - 09:26 PM - 11/06/2009
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    dunamis  51, Male, Australia - 96 entries
14
Dec 2008
12:49 PM WST
   

Marriage is Madness

Wife went off today. Came home and found 8yr old used some of her xmas cards. kid was working away all morning trying to make something for his cousin I think and got roasted for it. She really got stuck into him. Went over it and over it until he started crying. I'm thinking damn, Christmas isn't supposed to be about getting stuck into each other over cards... ok so he is supposed to ask. He says he'll ask next time, but then drop it.

So I open my big mouth and try and defuse the situation by saying, come on lets keep it light. Christmas is about people and he was being generous etc. Well that was like waving a red rag to a bull. And I got both barrells. Suddenly the 8yr old was not the target, I was. Now, i'm not backing up the wife. Even though I totally agree with her, that he should have asked, yes the cards were expensive, yes she had plans for them etc. etc. but i was just sayin try and keep the spirit of Christmas alive here!

Then she accused me of screwing up our kids because we aren't united. I need to read the all parenting books because they all say that apparently. I'm not sure that we're disunited actually, given that I agree with everything she's saying. I'm just disagreeing with getting angry over things, when people and the way we treat them are more important than things. Heck I'll take a second job to buy her more cards just to make her happy.

Well, i tried to explain what i was trying to say. It always happens though. People get jacked at christmas time and start chewin each other out. Why does it have to be that way? Why do people get irritable, stressed and angry at Christmas time? Why is there so much pressure? Surely God gave Jesus at Christmas to reconcile us to him and one another and bring peace on earth. Somehow it has turned out to be war! Then she went right off. She started shouting and yelling and swearing.

Told me that what would I know about trying to raise kids and making a happy family home when I'm screwed up cos I came from a broken home. I tried to explain that because i'm from a broken home, I know what I want. Harmony. Love, peace, people that get along not fight like my parents did and ended up breaking up.

Then she tried a different tack. She said there's no point even talking to me because I'm screwed up in the head and that even though I think I'm making sense I'm not. She said I should go and pop more pills. She is going off regularly now. She was going off when she had her period last. Well that's an excuse. The kids asked me why she was like that, and I said because it's that time of month. But last week, she was going off about having a shit family and that everyone in the family treated her bad and that it was all my fault. I didn't react to that, just called her in the arvo to see if she was feeling better. But today, she wouldn't let go.

I wasn't trying to correct her or point out her failing. I was just trying to lift the atmosphere in the home a bit, because I hate a negative atmosphere. She is so insecure that even a comment like "let's keep things light and Chrismassy" says that I'm accusing her of being a failure. Wish she would deal with her damn insecurity cos it's drivin me nuts. I don't know why we are pissing her off so much. She's always going off at either the kids or me. I just don't know what to do. She reckons if she was in charge of the family, everything would be better... like she's not in charge? I'm certainly not in charge!

Worst thing is she wouldn't stop. After I went to get the kids some lunch (was toasting some cheese on bread for them in the griller) she kept coming into the kitchen chipping away and chipping away and going on and on with it. Well, I had enough. I hurled the empty can across the kitchen and announced to the family that they had a fucked up dad and she had a fucked up husband, that I was totally screwed and I was screwing them all up and they would be better off without me and left.

Whenever she gets into me, eventually I feel like a total waste of space and a failure. I feel like I'm a curse on my families life and that I should hang myself. I wonder what it would be like to have a belt around my neck and to feel the blood flow restricted to my brain and then the blackness. I think it would be peaceful and then I would be free from pain.

My home is like a prison. When she's angry with me it's like torture. I can't rest or recover in my home with her exploding like that. She's like a bomb with a trip wire. None of us know when it's going to trigger, but we all know it's just a matter of time. But for her, we're all to blame, so y'know, it's not her fault. She has no responsibility at all. Actually she's the most perfect person you could meet. So caring, kind, compassionate, empathetic and humble. Just wish it would extend to us.

Don't know why she's so angry... There's a bit of family history there I spose. Her dad had a stroke because of his temper. The difference between marriage and a prison sentence, is at least with prison, you know how much time you have left. Marriage could go on for a loooong time and if it's anything like mine, it will feel like quite a few lifetimes. For some reason, I just either can't improve fast enough for her, or be a certain person, or perform quite well enough. And when I fall short, watch out.

�I've cooked every night this week. Done four loads of washing. Looked after the kids. Nearly driven myself into the ground and come Saturday, I'm in the doghouse. What a fucked up life. I'm over my family.

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    mommy  31, Female, New York, USA - 20 entries
12
Aug 2007
1:09 PM EDT
   

Hi its Krysta, Sorry that I haven't Written in Such a long time, But I have Been so Busy With my Website and Helping Pleople. Anyway this Journal Entry is About Self-Injury: and I am Sure most of you Know what that this. I use to be a Self-Injurer, I have Been Self-Injury Free For About 6 months to a year, But as Always I Still Get the Feeling of wanting to Self-Injure. Also if you want to Know more or Find some Information on Self-Injury, you Can Always check out my Website at: www.freewebs.com/Ask-Krysta/ (There you Can Find Information on Self-Injury and many Other Things as well, and ifyou want me to Put something Else on the Website Just E-mail me at: Ask.Krysta@yahoo.com (in the Subject Put: Website) well I am Going to go For Now, so take Care, be Safe, and Please Remember that Things will Get Better, that it Does take time, and Also Remember that I am Always here For you. With Love, Always, Krysta
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Current Tags: Dark, Depression, Health, Help, Helper, Hope, Hopeless, Hopelessness, Info, Information, Pressure, Saddness, Self-Harm, Self-Injury, Stress, Teen Advisor, Websites

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