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    Ranilyn  27, Female, Canada - 26 entries
Mar 2011
2:11 AM MST

Some days...I really just don care...

Sometimes I really don't care...I just don't. Homework, marks, friends, family, courses/options, choices - really who cares? And I spend the time lying around, sulking in a corner, staring into a secluded corner from my family, of course...I can't let them know...because it'll worry them and its because I, you know... actually care. How can I not? It'd be so much easier if I could just be...

Then the next day comes around, and I beat myself up for wasting that precious time on doing nothing. What was I thinking? Then the pressure builds up again, and something small, something just slightly�irritating causes it to snap...again.

You could probably tell I'm in one of�those moments right now or maybe�not.

Well,�I know for sure I'm procrastinating, supposed to be doing science right now. After all,�my friends�need my portion of the project to complete it, I shouldn't�worry them.�I was going to get right into it too.

I should also be going to sleep now, have to wake up early for library/preschool duty you know, but it's only now I'll get a bit of privacy and time alone when eveyone's sleeping.
I should be mature and go apologize to mom, and make it up to her, even if it wasn't entirely my fault.
I should practice my flute and finish my other assignments.
I should stop sulking and forgive�Dad and get over the scolding yesterday.
I should join youth again.
I should be more motivated to do everything.
I should be more reliable.
I should not talk back.
I should be more responsible.
I shouldn't be so easily irritated.
I should send Grandma and Grandpa a letter - with photos.
I "should" choose a career that is "good", "well paying" and "approved by asian parents" and "teachers with high expectations"
I "should" work harder...because apparently, it's not enough, because I'm not doing all I can.
I "should" quit musical theatre because it's causing me to be so busy, that if I continue to do it next year - while in the full IB program - I'll have no time and my marks my drop! Also, it troubles my dad to drive me places all the time!
I should be more considerate, less self centered, and more Christ centered so I cabn better love people.
I shouldn't be so childish. But I am still a child, right? Or perhaps not.
I "shouldn't" even be considering advanced acting or taking drama 20 or musical theatre! because...well, I "should" take all the important stuff first, and when I'm "done" I can take the fun stuff. Like when would that be? After I graduate?!! I want to take it now for a reason! Its HIGH SCHOOL...ugh. Just because *certain people* don't appreciate the arts, doesn't mean I have to follow.
I should be more like "so and so"
I "shouldn't" be like those�kids.
I should speak up for what is right, and for myself.
I shouldn't procrastinate, and should manage my time wisely.
I should...I should...
I should care.
But sometimes...I don't.

I want to do something with my life; I want to change the world! But it seems so difficult at times, like everyone is against you. I'm sure I'll be's hurting inside...and I can't let anyone know...but I'll make it through.

Christ lives in me, Galatians 2:20
I can do anything with God on my side. I'll be okay, more than okay if he's planning my life. Thank goodness I still have him to rely on.

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