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Many people feel "differently" about relationships.� I can remember thinking and wanting so badly to be engaged.� It was all that I cared about...just having that ring to prove to everyone that I was more mature and that we were the perfect couple.� My family and friends hassled him..."when's the big day?" they would ask.� Or, I would get SO mad over the dumbest things and blame it on not having the ring.� He would ask, "what�do want�for your birthday?" and my response would�be something of a rude remark with regards to an engagement ring.� It was all about the stupid ring that I thought was so important.� I guess I just wanted to have the ring to have proof of his commitment.� It's easy say, Im committed to you, but harder to give proof of words.�

He is the most amazing person and the most dedicated person in my life and I was letting a "social symbol" get in the way of our relationship.� There is more to the story including the death of his parents within the same year and the fact that we have been together for nearly 7 years.� I was by his side through thick and thin and NEVER questioned leaving or letting a ring get in the way.� I have to say that I got the ring.� He proposed and it was the most beautiful thing, but it has taken me the experience of the entire 7 years to realize that my relationship with my fiance has never been better.� Is it the ring?� Could be, but realizing that I needed to accept myself (without a ring, without him) was the most life changing thought I've ever had.� Now that I am comfortable with myself, engaged or not...ring or not...our relationship has done a complete 180.�

We have always had a good relationship, but looking back now it could have been so much better.� Im thankful that we stuck together and got through some of the hardest times of both of our lives and also we got through some of those petty things that really dont matter at all.� You have to know who you are, before you can start to know who someone else is.� That is where I am at today.� I know me, I understand me, I love me...now that I have gotten "me" taken care of I gladly wear my ring as a symbol of our love and I can focus on our relationship.� Take the time to love him...look at him...really look into his eyes and he him for who he is, not for who you want him to be (or in my case, what you wanted from him).� Life is so much better when who people are in love.�

Here I am, at home working when all the decision makers in my mom's life are on Christmas Holiday.

On Thursday, Christmas Day, the doctor called the first time to tell me that mom was to be discharged on Friday or we, the family would start paying the hospital bill. According to him, I would be responsible for finding the right place for mom to go.

According to him, she does not need skilled care Medicare pay) , just Alz assisted living (which I later found out was private pay)

According to him, she does not need help with bathing, dressing, eating.

All Christmas day I phoned and emailed assisted living centers from Alz Assn.

Friday, I got phone call from Jill, social worker, who said mom was not being discharged Friday, she was submitting forms for temp guardianship, which would be effective Monday. She recommended snf to Dr. Grillo, who said "WE will try assisted first". She is submitting MIMR test and tried to get mom to sign so she could start admission. Mom refused.

It is 8:00 a.m. on the nose!� Of course, Tracee is still sleeping.� She is going to Washington, DC today with the church.� I along with Mikki and Mom set money aside so Tracee would have some spending money; they will be in D.C. untl the 30th (mom's B-day).� Everybody else isn't leaving until tomorrow, but Rennat, Dorothy, and Tracee are leaving out today (tickets were much cheaper if they flew out today).� So, their flight is at 2:16 p.m., which means I have to have her out to the airport at noon.� I will sit and wait with them while they wait for their flight, then I will make my rounds to everybody's houses.� Other than that, and the fact that it's our heavenly father's birthday, today is just another date on the calendar for me!� I stopped getting excited about this day over 20 something years ago.� But I do enjoy when families come together.� I will most like be stopping�over on Beecher St, Hartson Ave�and� two spots on Midland�Ave before I make it back home.� And before I close this I have to remember for next year that�X-mas Eve is Ramsi's b-day.� Moe should be delivering her baby girl any day now--she was looking mighty uncomfortable yesterday.� Well, I am going to go give dad a call, and then I dread the call to Mikki's house (Vernell will no doubt answer the phone....ugh!!)� Just kidding Vee!!!

On the outside I look like I'm ready for Christmas. I've got my tree up, house is decked out, cookies baked, menu planned for our holiday dinner, shopping is done!

On the inside I'm... uninterested? I can't put my finger on it exactly. I feel like I don't really care. I'm just doing it, doing the next thing that's expected. I don't feel the fun, the joy, the excitement that I normally would.

Last Friday night was very difficult.�Bear wanted us to go out for dinner. He wanted to try this new restaurant in town, I was saying OK but I was thinking- no thanks. I needed to eat something so I went but when the hostess seated us in the middle of a small dining room full of happy people, dressed in festive attire, laughing and enjoying themselves I suddenly realized I was caught in a nightmare. I wanted to holler at them. I felt angry that they were too close, too loud, too happy!!

Shoot, I had to get out of there, quick! I stood up, grabbed my bag and poor Bear knew if he didn't move fast he'd be dining alone. No explaination required, he always seems to get me. We exited and chose somewhere else to just eat - no festivities please.

I was having the worst time telling him how I was feeling. That doesn't happen to me. I've got an excellent decoder of my emotions. My feelings usually lay in plain view, you don't have to look hard to see what I'm going through.

There's just no way to find our way out of this sadness. Someone we love is slipping away from us and there's no changing that. Day by day we stand witness to a life draining away.

It's over, the suffering and pain is over. The waiting has ended, the crying is just getting started.

Shirley died this morning with her husband and daughters by her bedside. She was loved. She will be remembered fondly and often.

I dont know what to do. It feels like apart of me is missing. Ever since my best guy friend moved away, I dont now what to do. I used to love the outdoors... now I curse it almost every waking moment because there are just to many memories....� Passing him in the halls feels like Hell. I never have done well with silence, any form of silence. It feels like we have this agreement� "You dont talk to me, and I dont talk to you"� kinda thing.�He looks at me like he wants to say something, or like he's waiting for someting. But truthfully I dont want to know, because Im scared as to whatever it could be he wants to say. The most I get out of him is a nod of the head! According to him this his is way of saying hi... Bullshit!� We used to be able to tell each other anything! At one point in time he even admitted that I was the only person he could really trust and talk to. I dont get why Im getting the silent treatment. Maybe Im not good enough for him anymore....� The quiet scares me cause it screams the truth

To make matters worse my own family doesn't trust me. I dont know what I did wrong, they say I am a disapointment to them....almost every day. I've been losing my mind, and living a lie. Everything they have ever told me I know they dont mean, because if they did, they would actually say it to my face...

merry christmas to all and to all a good night .

For me, trust is hard to come across. Sometimes my friends think that they are being "sneaky" when they talk about me. Little do they know that I can hear them. Every time that I think I can trust someone they proove me wrong, and that I cant trust them. My whole family talks about me, like Im some type of disappointment to them. But they wont ever say it to my face. So I dont have strait A's like my brother and sister, cant they just accept me for who I am? No matter how hard I try, I never seem to please them. So I've stoped trying, let them think what they want.

shebii

�i am feeling a little empty this coming Christmas though there's nothing for me to be lonely for. i have my family, cousins, friends.. maybe i'm just longing for a special affection from someone. i have been struggling all by myself for the past months now. my life is not actually a total mess, it's just that i'm really�used�of getting so bored that i don't want to spend my whole life just taking care of myself. getting ready, getting ready. actually, i thiink i am really ready to start over. to have someone and be committed. i really think i am now ready. i have been through relationships from heaven to hell, so there's nothing for me to be afraid of. i guess it's alright for me to take chances, because there are no other choices for me. It's just, take the chance! try trusting, again. and jsut don't be afraid. i know i'll get hurt, but who cares. still, i had my chance, and i'm not the one sitting alone thinking about what could have happened if i had taken one single chance with the guy i wanted the most.

haaiiix. hope my right guy comes, and when he comes, im gonna have him for keeps! hehe!