Attempts at insight and reflection

Chris and I just had a big fight over money. His buzz words that I interpret as blame..."your mother's flooding our basement" "your mother cost us over $10K" "I told you to put a brake on her expenses, that we would not get repaid"

All is true, but looking backwward, I need to focus on the future. I need hope. And a forward looking plan.

Here I am, at home working when all the decision makers in my mom's life are on Christmas Holiday.

On Thursday, Christmas Day, the doctor called the first time to tell me that mom was to be discharged on Friday or we, the family would start paying the hospital bill. According to him, I would be responsible for finding the right place for mom to go.

According to him, she does not need skilled care Medicare pay) , just Alz assisted living (which I later found out was private pay)

According to him, she does not need help with bathing, dressing, eating.

All Christmas day I phoned and emailed assisted living centers from Alz Assn.

Friday, I got phone call from Jill, social worker, who said mom was not being discharged Friday, she was submitting forms for temp guardianship, which would be effective Monday. She recommended snf to Dr. Grillo, who said "WE will try assisted first". She is submitting MIMR test and tried to get mom to sign so she could start admission. Mom refused.

Today's quote is funny. I have always tried to get my mothers approval. But in her confusion and agitation, she often tells me I am mean, she never wants to see me again, and she hates me, I want her in chains, in prison, et.c I do not take it personally any more. She is like a broken record....annoying but not harmful. I tell myself it is the disease speaking. So my fear of being disliked has been overcome.

I also feared having to put her into an institution, saying I would never let that happne. After only 2 weeks of living with this chaos, of hearing recommendations from 2 experts that it's the thing to do, I am coming to terms with it. I strongly wish I didn't have to do it. I wish she were not so impaired. I wish she could enjoy here and now things more, instead of fearing that pipes are broken, cars are missing, her dog is run away,Bill having an affair with Nonnie, her foot broken, and her stomach upset.

And Holiday time, snowstorm, and working with State Employees means that most action on these things will have to wait over two weeks--till after the New Year.

Seeing through all these fears, this nightmare will surely keep me safe, per the quote.

Today's Buddha quote about living in the present resonates with me. Since reading a� book, Madonnas of Leningrad, about a cultured �woman with Alzheimer's, I recognized�a benefit of Alzheimer's- no worries. It seems the ultimate emotional detachment, just watching events unfold. No worries about personal safety, no worries about eating, drinking, or healthy living.

The book opened my eyes in several ways. I was (and still am) mourning my mom's loss of memory. I am alternately in denial and sad about it.

But I tell myself that she now is eternally in the present. She has some long term memory left, but also makes up stories or imaginatively fills in the blanks.Whether it's what happened yesterday or when she was a little girl, it's all her imagination. The stories are creative and quite good. I am happy for her when she�recreates�her history to be positive. But I also miss the mom that could fill in the�family history�blanks for me....who is in that picture? how many horses did we have?�� She is now what medical people call an "unreliable historian"

Though �she lives in the present, I wish it could be with more wisdom.

If only I could limit my fear of making monthly bills (short term) and becoming destitute (long term) to this one post. In fact, it preoccupies my life. I wake up at 5:30 figuring out ways to cut our costs. I worry about calling the plumber to fix the kitchen drain because of its cost. Can we live with a stopped up drain? I calculate and recalculate minimum selling cost for our other condo. Can we even consider buying mortgage insurance or long term care insurance? Yesterday I was tempted to use all of our savings just to pay off the credit cards. And, at this time of our lives, we should be more comfortable about money issues. Coco Chanel's movie is an inspiration....how she started over and overcame adversity.