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I feel like i have so much time on my hands, and i dont know what to do with it.

I read alot. But after i finish the book i wish i had tooken more time reading it.

I play the piano. But i can only play the piano during the day. Grand Pianos have a loud sound. =]

I write sometimes. But i can't get feedback on it because i don't want to put my writing up anywhere. Last time i did that i got all of it stolen.

I play games, like online and stuff. But they all seem to be so easy, and worthless.

I look things up. Learn about things i don't know about. But sometimes i feel like that's pretty worthless as well.

I draw, paint, etc. But i usually throw it away or put it in my basement. Rejection scares me. Alot.

I spend my days getting through them. Waiting for somthing to happen. Waiting to figure the reason i'm here. What duty do i serve?

Talking to other people about these things is a waste of time. When you speak as if you came out of a poetry book, people don't really get the grip on what you're saying.

I want to run away. Not really run away from my parents/friend/family. Just run away from me. What i've become. I want to go someplace where i can just lay and look at the stars without a plane hovering overhead, or so much lights on the streets you can barly tell its twilight. I know running away is not an opition. But it sounds nice.

-if you've read this whole thing, i applaud you.

So it may not be to some people but to me it is..my life is falling apart. My parents for 21+ yrs are getting a divorce..my dad filed and told me yesterday... i dont kno what to do...once i found out of course i cried, we talked he explained him self.. which sad thing is not just me but both my brother and i agree with my dad.

we both love our mother but she is nothing but money..money this u owe me wheres my money where my money all the time. she charged my dad interest when he borrowed money from her...who in thier right mind charges thier husband interest..

UGH!!!! i love my mom of course and i have to be here for her. but its hard..its hard to sit at home and think my dads not coming home tonight..it hurts i kno its not his fault and i am not made at him one bit but...i am a major daddys girl...

just wanted to get a lil off my chest now..there will be more.....

well my op is tommorow and now i'm shaking in my boots have had it all explained to me by a very nice nurse but you know what it's like you still worry about it but every thing will be fine he does at least 100 op's a year and they say he is the best surgen so now to pack my bag and off i go to kiss goodbye to the years of pain and heres to a new life in the new year so i wish you all a very merry christmas and a wonderfull new year and dont do anything i wouldn't do

My family has been joking around with me being a vampire. because:

1.I have very white, sprakly , perfect teeth which ive never had dentil work on.

2.I'm allergic to garlic.

3.I'm very pale. ive never seen someone so naturally pale. and neither has anyone else.

4.My eyes are black when im angry.

5.School comes very easy to me. And im a very quick learner.

6.I don't blink, i only blink when i put in my contacts, and when i close my eyes if somthing might get in my eyes.

7.I have headaches alot.

8.The only place i get pimples is on the back of my neck, and i think in my 14 years, ive had 2 pimples.

9.Some people say my face/skin is the clearest thing they'd ever seen.

10.My senses are very acute. I can hear someone�whispering 4 rooms away. I can smell everyone's own scent, and i know who comes in the room by smell. My skin is chilly alot. and im very sensitive to heat (like in the shower, i feel like warm water is burning my skin). The only reason i have glasses/contacts is because when i was little i got into some chemicals and hurt my eeyes, so i have very bad eye sight. but its fine with glasses. =]

11.i breath a bit heavier/faster than most people.

12.I dont really like the sun, when i go outside i close my eyes if the true sunlight is out because it hurts my eyes, and gives me a headache. and when the sun shines right on my skin it stings. But i love the feel of it when im really cold.

I've never shared this with anyone, and probly never will. it's a shame how people are these days. =/

You're probly reading this saying 'she's making this all up, she just wants attention' OR 'omg vampires arn't real!!!' OR 'how does all �this have to do with being a vampire?!'

I have an answer for you, this is my journal. You decided to read it. Keep your rude thoughts to yourself. i never once said i was a vampire. im just posting my thoughts.

Today we mark the 35th year of our marriage. Isn't that amazing? I don't understand how that sounds like such a long time but doesn't feel like it.

It was going to be just an ordinary Monday, he was going back to work after our long weekend, S. and D. were going back to school and work and I was back to the household grind - ordinary - until we got the call last night.

We have that great invention of that last decade called Caller ID so when the phone rang at around 7pm last night we saw my father's name and assumed that the usual late coming birthday wish was going to be given. So when�B�came running with�the ringing phone and�a smile in his voice�as�he said excitedly, "it's your dad",� I wasn't the least bit apprehensive as I said "hello?". But I should have been, I wish I could have known what he was going to tell me�because I would have been able to handle it differently.

In the first couple seconds of hearing his�voice I didn't hear it, but then it was unavoidable, the sound that something was wrong�sounded like a loud siren and I couldn't say anything but "what's wrong?"

He tried to say something but his voice broke up, I thought in that second that he was going to tell�me that�his wife had died but as he fought to gain control he instead told me that�she's very ill and it won't be long.�

How do you know what is the right thing to�say? I thought I did, I like to think I�am a sensative person.�I knew he was in pain and that he was having a hard time telling me that his wife of 33 years�is too sick to get better. The words I spoke were comforting him, I could hear that in the strength of his voice, I was doing good, afterall I am sorry for her and him. But�when he told me about "the whole family coming together a couple weeks ago�at the hospital for her", I couldn't stop myself from asking him why I wasn't called then? He put it off on her (never taking responsibility for his own daughter!) saying that it was "her call". I should have accepted that, I should have left it at that but the lump in my thoat was enormous and the flood gate was pushing hard, the words just rushed out. I told him what he should have called, I should have been there,�that she always told me that I was her kid, she always called me her "daughter kid".

Divorce sucks! It clearly boiled down to Her Kids and His Kids. And in the end I find out that the two will never be equal. I am put on the outside by not being included in the group that was referred to as "the whole family".

I should have been called but they didn't and that's that. I am called now, now that she's "incoherent", that she won't even know I'm there, it is what it is. She officially became my stepmother after I'd been married for 2 years so our relationship was more of a friendship than a mother/daughter. I loved her, I saw how happy she made my father, I showed her my love and respect all through the years.�When we moved closer to them - to BE closer to them it didn't work out that way. She seemed to recent my ability to�drop in�on them. She took shots at me when I was at my most vulnerable ie: my mother's death, the birth of my forth child, etc. Our relationship changed as I never knew when she was going to go off on me. I tried to talk to my father in� hopes that he'd be able to get through to her and mend things for us but he in his usual style shrugged his shoulders and didn't see any responsibility for his daughter. He was fine with her and I drifting apart, fine with us not being at his holiday table and so the years went by and here we are - after all these years I'm just somebody that he thought he should call to tell them that she's coming home on Wednesday, hospice will be there and the end will follow soon.

at last i saw the gynacologist and he said i need a hysterectomy .well that was all well and good he booked me in for feb 2nd then that very same day phoned me up to tell me they are now doing it this thurs . O M G ! so this then sent my mind into overdrive do they know something i dont why so fast ? last thurs was the first time i saw him this thurs i will be in having my op . well at least the years of pain will come to an end very soon i cant wait .they said it will give me a new lease of life well i hope it does . i even put up my christmas tree early just so i can decorate it as i wont be able to after the op .so i dont think i will be on here for a while but i will be back soon

OMFGWTF!!!! I just stumbled upon the fact that The book series "Nine Lives of Chloe King" is being made into a show!!! I can't wait to see it!!

I've seen Twilight 3 times since it's came out. i'm soooo cool.

Anyways. lets talk about the basics.

1.It's 25 days til' Christmas. My parents asked me 'Do we still need to buy you gifts, or are you old enough that we don't have to anymore?'

2.Thanksgiving was... tiring, fake,�and never-ending.

3.My apperantice doesn't seem to consume my life as much now. And i'm very happy with that. I'd really like to make friends with someone whom will be MY friend, now my style's friend. =D

4.I'm not dating anyone, and i havnt dated anyone in a long time. I've given up on crushes, they're useless, and all that provide is heartbreak or anger. I'm not super worried right now about that anyways. I'm in high school. Its not i'm middle-aged and have 3 kids. I'll wait for my Edward to find me.

5.I'm writing a 'story' well...more like a book. I'm on chapter 5. And no, i won't be posting any of my book. OR my art. Because all that leads to is people stealing my work.

6.Zia (my ball python) seems to be my only friend latly. Israel is soo immature...well...actually he's quite dumb. He may be a junior, but im a freshman, and he gets angry with me when i talk above his head. My fault? Nope.� And Ashley (bff?), well, i'm just not sure. I have a very bad feeling that she is going to leave/give up on me very soon. I try to tell her everything, but she never seems to want to say anything back. She says she's just a 'listener', and not a talker. But i have a strange feeling that that's not quite the truth. That make's me quite sad actually... *blinks eyes to try to hold back crying*

7.I wish my sister was my age. Her being away at College sorta sucks. But, then again it has it's up sides.� Her boyfriend lives here with his, and i dont mind that AT ALL because he's awesome, and i love talking to him. He's like a brother. But i like her being away because i can have friends over without worrying if they are gunna wanna hang out with her more than me. (which has happened before) AND i dont have to worry about having my hair done and makeup done all the time, because when she is home she ALWAYS has friends over. I swear, she has like 230924029384 friends. She makes me feel so anti-social. BUT, i like having her home because when she's in a good mood, i love talking to her. And when she's home (and no friends over) we sometimes go places together. And i really love getting out of the house and spending time with her. Getting to know her more would be great. Yet, she never has time for her little sister. =/ I suppose that's the way it is with all sisters, right?

8.it SUCKS because there are a couple things i can't even post on the internet because people would call me crazy or somehow the people who know me from my school or whatever would find it, then tell everyone. It's nothing embrassing, its just, not very humanly.

9.Geez. The Twilight Soundtrack is mezerizing. I listen to it ALL the time. <3

10.I havn't slept in 2 and a half weeks. The last time i slept i dreampt of me walking down a dark street and i heard someone talking to themselves. They were sitting on the curb, i put my hand on their shoulder and then they were just gone...i looked around and tried to find them, i ran until my lungs gave out and i dropped to the ground. Then, i woke. It's scary...i just dont understand what it means.

11.I'm going to go play the piano for a while. i'm getting better at it i think. =]