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Bored Bored Bored. sometimes i need something to do, but ive done everything cleaned tidied played on games,blah, blah ,blah blah blaahh. Evil Is streaming through the widows in my house,everyone seems to be grumpy. its december tommorow people should be happy not sad, or angry, but it seems that way. it is that way i dont want it to be, we have no food in the fridge, and my mum is ill so she cant go shopping and i cant carry all those bags and plus i cant drive!! My stepdad is driving me nuts he said i have to pull my weight, but i am i dont have time to tidy very much because im working my ass off on this job i want. so i am pulling my weight. he syas i spend day and night on the computer but thats training, finindg out science facts on the body. thats why i am on the computer non stop. im old enough to move out but its too much to plan or handle i have my own little seperate house attached to the house so i guess that all i need till i sort everything. im up very late at night at like 3 in the morning but thats not night. but on school days i toss and turn for hours on end and i need to get something to help me sleep. honey milk sometimes works.... im stressed out because my mum is stressed. i go crazy when my mums upset it makes me 10 times as upset.

I embarked on this amazing journey of faith that has got me this far. I fell in love with a man, a yoga instructor. What was supposed to be spiritual turned out to be quite a roller coaster ride for me. But now ,its time to let it all go. He's not a saint ,and I shouldnt impose that on him just because he's doing yoga. He's very much a human, a man.

I believe I can move on strongly without him. Although from time to time, I am tempted to feel that he still feels something for me, but I shall refrain from that. I have never regretted liking someone like him. He's so carefree. I can't tie him down, and I don't want to. I think its time to let him go......and myself too.

It hurts very bad , at times I'm fine, at times I'm not .

At times its really hard to breathe as u think of him every day, ur thoughts just surround this man. "How do i carry on without him" at times i wonder....

When I let him go totally, will he end up coming back to me one day? Can I pray to God to unite us?

Anyway people, as I was reading my own personal posts , i teared up.I realise how happy i used to be, how hopeful� i used to be.but its all gone now.

Today's Buddha quote about living in the present resonates with me. Since reading a� book, Madonnas of Leningrad, about a cultured �woman with Alzheimer's, I recognized�a benefit of Alzheimer's- no worries. It seems the ultimate emotional detachment, just watching events unfold. No worries about personal safety, no worries about eating, drinking, or healthy living.

The book opened my eyes in several ways. I was (and still am) mourning my mom's loss of memory. I am alternately in denial and sad about it.

But I tell myself that she now is eternally in the present. She has some long term memory left, but also makes up stories or imaginatively fills in the blanks.Whether it's what happened yesterday or when she was a little girl, it's all her imagination. The stories are creative and quite good. I am happy for her when she�recreates�her history to be positive. But I also miss the mom that could fill in the�family history�blanks for me....who is in that picture? how many horses did we have?�� She is now what medical people call an "unreliable historian"

Though �she lives in the present, I wish it could be with more wisdom.

Almost a year has gone since my last entry. Well, my weight is still about 122 lbs, meaning I haven't lost any weight at all (I remember I have ever reached 121 lb this year) LOL

I have been working as a ferry pier receptionist since Feb 1st, 2008. I don't really like this job but I work for the ok-salary.�

I have decided not to study Hotel Management. I may study some other things, probably English, or some other languages, in the future.

Tomorrow I will start my yogurt diet. I hope to nail my lose-weight goal before the new year comes.

Hello,

It's really really really weird. when you try to understand what exactly did you do wrong? or maybe they just dont like me. So they "accidently" shun me. weirdos

I really hate it when theres this person in your class... and you say you dont like themm... but... you are unconciously staring at them- like.. for a long time, really really long. Then you'd be like HOLY CRAP NO. i'm not supposed to be crushing on HIM.�� uh huh. then its like� wait.. why cant i crush on him. OH YA, cuz you're just NOT supposed to. cuz hes supposed to be a real�jerk yup...ya...and then.. you get on confused... like me =)

and then guess what happens next? you'd be like... wait... am i really really crushing on him.. or is it just his amazing looks. ??? then. you are REALLY REALLY confused. its not funny.

AND THEN. you feel like the whole world hates you just becuz THAT GUY doesnt like you back .it continues for days. until you finally calm down. i think.

�

ARGGHHGH I'M GETTING FRUSTRATED.�

�

type more later when i calm down .

WHY??!!!�No seriously. When I need to write everything out, the computer happens to be turned off, or I'm not near one. And when FINALLY I get on the computer....I don't even want to think about writing!! ARGH!!

There much better...had to get that out.�So now we know why I have a total of 2 private and 2 - now 3 - public posts. Ahhh well...I'll post more...er....later....right? Let's go see if Janette's posted anything since the last time I came on....which was a month ago.

(Trust me she's way more dedicated to writing entries than I am. Most of my journals *on paper or on computer* had never lasted more than 4 entries. So I'm happy!)

Feeling extremely proud at the fact that she actually wrote an entry,

Joyce

I don't know if we're doing the right thing or the best thing but we're goin! We're leaving around 1pm today. His suitcase is half packed because he went to work a half day this morning. He's more excited than I am, that's the way it always is, me holding back and him cuttin loose.

Today is my birthday (53???!) woo-hoo! Life goes on, we gotta have some fun is what he told me and I guess it wasn't as much what he said as the look on his face when he knew I was gaining a strangle hold on the plan to take ourselves to Reno�to celebrate�my birthday.

At first I was with him on the idea, I was happy and excited. But day after day I had this nagging feeling that maybe we shouldn't go, maybe we should just let that money sit in his can.�My mistake is listening to�the "talking heads" on tv, they're�pointing towards the sky and cautioning us to "Duck!!"

But this morning I'm committed to leaving my worries behind and letting the good times roll! What's the big deal? The room is free and we could actually WIN! If we don't we definately will have FUN!

That's all I have to know, the rest is out of my control.