Somehow I made it through that last day before spring break. Gosh, am I glad it's over. I almost cannot believe I made it through. How quickly I threw that over my back in relief - so fast I barely remember why I was stressed out in the first place. But the lack of memory really just indicates how much Ijust want to put it behind me. Finally, it's spring break. Relief. Pure, sweet bliss. A week of nothing. A week had seemed like so much! No homework! No School! No major freaking deadlines! YES! Until I start thinking. And sometimes I wish I didn't...but I have to deal with this sort of stuff sometime right? It didn't actually seem like too much at first. Just bio lab, Germany questions, maybe review? Ohh yeah, no biggie, I can handle this stuff. Then I remembered, chinese test - okay, that's fine. Math...I needed to review math badly, and that includes the IB portion. Oh wait, I really oughta review Chem 35 while I'm at it don't I? Cripes! Wasn't I also missing a section in my Unification of Germany notes? Don't forget reading the new English novel as well as that in class written assignment on the chronicle when we get back! ...And were there bio worksheets too? Oh! Full cast rehersal on Thursday, and possibly Sunday! That means I'll have to figure out how to die dramatically by then. We're also going to WEM on Tuesday, aren't we? And Kim wanted to go watch the Hunger Games sometime...but I think I might say no. AH! I also need to rip and sync the piano songs for Alex and I...and find Taylor Swift songs for Skylar, and...U2,�I think, for Victoria. Oh...ugh...and...oh man, oh man, I've got to figure out this TOK thing. Wow I really know how to complain. I'm sure it'll all turn out fine. I'll take it all in stride...things will work out fantastically because God's watching over me. (>_ l) Man, I miss the days of endless reading, watching silly dramas, laughing with sis, and doing all sorts of ridiculous time wasting things. �
Look who's back again. Guess who's once again feeling stressed...and down...and misunderstood...and wanting to cry...and sick of everything...and worried...and upset...and wishing that it will all go away...would it be entirely terrible of me to just not go to school? Sometimes I wished I had the guts to fake sick like so many of my friends do. But I'm too 'good'. aren't I? I know I wouldn't be able to deal with disappointing my group members, or deal with the guilty conscience of lying to everyone. But sometimes, in instances like this, I just want to say� "Screw it all, I don't care!". Ohhhh yeah, that would go so well. I really thought I'd be over this. This semester was supposed to change everything, �this year was supposed to be different. Then I reread one of my previous teenage angst-y entries, and I find myself in the same mood as the time when I wrote that. In fact, I had more to add on to the�sorry list of miseries. Look at me waste time on a school night, the day before the last day of spring break where EVERYTHING is due. Seriously teachers, are you just trying to torment us on purpose? All this "I don't want you to have to do work over spring break, it's for relaxation!" crap just means you choke all of us the week before -with an exception to Ms. Coleman because she was genuine in her wish to help us but at the same time allowing us to choose. Italian Unification project, L.A reflection for the Chronicle of a Death Foretold, Extended Essay proposal due AND we need to talk to our EE teacher, freaking Chemistry Test tomorrow that's apparently weighted more than our final (what the heck?!) - which also apparently contains a decent amount of defnitions when our teacher had said not to worry about them, and Oma and Opa's anniversary thingy tomorrow after school which may require me to socialise while I'm cranky. Oh yeah...there's also IB math morning class. Actually all this probably stemmed from chemistry, and I don't want to talk about it. I've never been terrified of school before. Sometimes my family doesn't get it - especially my sister. Well actually, I think only my mother is making an effort to understand...I truly appreciate the amount of love and flexibility she's poured on me despite not actually understanding the situation. Dad's just stubborn and compares me to himself. My sister? It feels like she doesn't even bother. Must I physically place a frown on my face, talk in a flat and upset tone, ignore her, stare anti social-y while my body language is stiff and screams stop bother me - all of which irritates and hurt her - in order for her to understand that I am� freaking serious, that i actually have to get the stuff done, and I'm not just finding an excuse to ignore her and be petty. argh. I really should get to work...even if I'm already resigned on staying up late. Ugh. This really sucks.
I should also be going to sleep now, have to wake up early for library/preschool duty you know, but it's only now I'll get a bit of privacy and time alone when eveyone's sleeping. I should be mature and go apologize to mom, and make it up to her, even if it wasn't entirely my fault. I should practice my flute and finish my other assignments. I should stop sulking and forgive�Dad and get over the scolding yesterday. I should join youth again. I should be more motivated to do everything. I should be more reliable. I should not talk back. I should be more responsible. I shouldn't be so easily irritated. I should send Grandma and Grandpa a letter - with photos. I "should" choose a career that is "good", "well paying" and "approved by asian parents" and "teachers with high expectations" I "should" work harder...because apparently, it's not enough, because I'm not doing all I can. I "should" quit musical theatre because it's causing me to be so busy, that if I continue to do it next year - while in the full IB program - I'll have no time and my marks my drop! Also, it troubles my dad to drive me places all the time! I should be more considerate, less self centered, and more Christ centered so I cabn better love people. I shouldn't be so childish. But I am still a child, right? Or perhaps not. I "shouldn't" even be considering advanced acting or taking drama 20 or musical theatre! because...well, I "should" take all the important stuff first, and when I'm "done" I can take the fun stuff. Like when would that be? After I graduate?!! I want to take it now for a reason! Its HIGH SCHOOL...ugh. Just because *certain people* don't appreciate the arts, doesn't mean I have to follow. I should be more like "so and so" I "shouldn't" be like those�kids. I should speak up for what is right, and for myself. I shouldn't procrastinate, and should manage my time wisely. I should...I should... I should care. But sometimes...I don't. I want to do something with my life; I want to change the world! But it seems so difficult at times, like everyone is against you. I'm sure I'll be fine...it's hurting inside...and I can't let anyone know...but I'll make it through. Christ lives in me, Galatians 2:20 I can do anything with God on my side. I'll be okay, more than okay if he's planning my life. Thank goodness I still have him to rely on.
Sometimes I miss the loads you know? My grandparents...I love them so much, and I'm worried for them sometimes too. I wish I could see them everyday. I wish I could just say "Oh I'll think I'll bus to their place and visit them this Saturday," or "It's a half an hour walk or a 15 minute drive to Grandma and Grandpa, no biggie," or even a 5 hour drive, or 10 hour drive....better than a whopping amount of 22 hours on the plane right? Flight tickets are costly, you know! Grandma eats a whole lot of bread, biscuits, fruits but not a whole lot of rice, meat or vegetables. Sometimes it seems like there's not� a lot for her to do. Grandpa always eats the leftovers, and since grandma doesn't eat a lot...its a lot. I tell him to stop eating when he's full, like JUST full, and OVERLY full. It's a hard habit to break though, especially when food spoil so fast in that climate. Then because there's usually nothing else for him to do, he goes almost straight to sleep. I think we all know that's bad for you. He works a lot too, because...well i guess he doesn't know what else to do. But then he gets tired you know. Also, the air there isn't very fresh, yet there's not a lot that could be done about that.�We're their grandchild, we're supposed to visit them often so they could spoil us often. Grandparents are usually retired with not much to do...so they spend most their time on their grandchildren...and they don't even have that much. There's this expanse of land and ocean between us....sometimes I feel like I've robbed them of something. We call tons and talk for a long time but it's not the same.
Occasionally I would miss the life I would've had too.�Yes, there's no way I would give up the one I have now...but the old one's still a part of me you know. People don't get that you know. They say it's simple enough to decide, this is much better, much much better...why bother with that? Is one�not enough? All I can say is that you can't miss what you never had...and that's exactly it...they never had what I had, how could they miss it? I feel stuck, you know? I grow wistful for the old life, but I wouldn't ever trade the one I have now, yet I still crave for it, why can't I have both? I miss the chance of being a teenager there. I miss a vital part of growing up there, being a part of that. I miss dancing - oh the fun of it, and miss what more I could've learned and be�a part of if i had stayed. I miss the friendships,�the communities�- I love the ones I have now, but its so contrastingly different - I need both, or want both....I don't know how to put what I miss and missed into words.
I don't miss the excrutiating stress that follows every student there,�I don't miss the hot temperatures, the sadness and poverty, the pressure and STRESS. Why can't I have both worlds? I feel like I'm not quite suited for either. I'm accepted, I fit in...but no one ever fully understands me. I'm a part of them now, speak like them, act kind of like them, but my childhood was so very different than theirs. How I think� is different too. Then I go back for a visit, back to where I use to call home...and I find that I've been away too long, it had changed without me. I hadn't grown up with it. It sees me as a friend who it had lost touch with for years and is unable to put me back into it. I don't fit fully anymore, I'm not a part of it anymore...but it hurts because...well...because I can see what I've missed out on. What a fitful mood I'm in. I better sleep. I'm not like this very often. I usually push all these depressing feelings away, but I guess the stress' gotten the better of me...it doesn't help that I haven't slept for 18 `& 1/2 hours now. Summer school with intense gym teachers didn't help either. Small wonder I'm lethargic, exhausted and spent. And cranky, moody, and feeling depressed. Wow, check out the bad use of punctuations, grammar...and for lack of a better word...stuff. I really need to sleep. Joyce
So it's now 2010. I can't believe its been roughly 10 months since I've typed an entry. I know that time and time again I've said I would seriously try to keep a consistent journal/diary thing; obviously I have not succeeded. Well why don't we start with what I'm doing.
Its 10:48, Thursday, and mom wants me to go to sleep. I agreed providing that I can finish an entry first. We all know that's going to take awhile, when was the last time I wrote a short entry? I am currently listening to�"Burn For You" by Toby Mac, while I wait for "Love Like This" by SS501 to sync into my mp3. I can't believe Emily knows them too!!
Hmm...Looks like I better hurry, mom really wants me to sleep early. Can't say I blame her, we're going to Winter Camp Nakamun tomorrow after school.
Well, looks like I'll have to end it here, which is quite sad seeing that I've only got the introduction out. My mom thinks this computer is off, and that I am in my cozy bed sleeping. I was going to write about a lot things too! I wanted to talk a bit about Tamora Pierce and why I'm attempting to keep a journal again, about the Grade 9 shots (including the one we got today), about Kelsey, the social project, and just generally the stuff that's been happening and my feelings. But sometimes it feels as if writing about the hold would take as long as the whole day. I guess I'll continue this tomorrow. Oh wait, I'm off to Camp Nakamun at� 5:30 tomorrow. With school and packing, I highly doubt I'll be able to find the time to go on the computer.
I better get going, I really need to sleep. I haven't been sleeping enough lately...I can't seem to get in habit after winter break. Shoot, I have to go. I hear something in the other room. Hopefully its not mom coming to check on me.
Goodnight and with lots of love,
Joyce
��HmmHmmBHmmdfsdf
Darn, I just wrote a perfectly long and wonderful entry and it....disappeared and didn't save!! Just great...on one of the odd days I manage to convince myself to write in the journal...it doesn't save. GAAAAAHHHH
I guess I'll have to retype...just without all the extra colors and stuff....Here we go:
WHY??!!!�No seriously. When I need to write everything out, the computer happens to be turned off, or I'm not near one. And when FINALLY I get on the computer....I don't even want to think about writing!! ARGH!!
There much better...had to get that out.�So now we know why I have a total of 2 private and 2 - now 3 - public posts. Ahhh well...I'll post more...er....later....right? Let's go see if Janette's posted anything since the last time I came on....which was a month ago.
(Trust me she's way more dedicated to writing entries than I am. Most of my journals *on paper or on computer* had never lasted more than 4 entries. So I'm happy!)
Feeling extremely proud at the fact that she actually wrote an entry,
Entry #2. How original I'm sure no one could think of a better title. I'll change it....someday...
Its Monday, I have to say I had a great start of the week! Yay!!! First thing first, tomorrow we have the cross country orienteering race!! Man, it's gonna be fun, hope we win first!
*sits, staring at screen* uh...how do we write journals...this is awkward. I'M NOT A JOURNAL PERSON. Let's get advice from Janette, who's on the fone! yay!
I was on the fone with Emily today and we attempted a three way with Janette...hehehe chaos for the next 15 min with everyone hanging up at the wrong time, pressing the wrong button etc
�Argh! it was like yes! Janette's on the line and then uh oh...Emily hung up on me by accident AGAIN...then to make things worse I had to eat. Luckily I was allowed to eat and talk.
�Janette and Emily are my awesome friends and I hope they become great friends too!
I just got an incredible idea for this entry's title!!
My first entry!! I'll try to write a minimum of 3 entries per week. I've never been a journal person even though i really really wanted to have one, they never lasted more than 3 entries before I gave up.
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