Ranilyn's Journal

Oct 2012
3:58 PM MDT


Currently on gaia participating in the Halloween event in team Kurogan! Fun stuff. I forgot the random things Gaia would pull on their site...the little ads on the corner of our screens are really annoying though. The idea/game they come up with is simple - almost boring, really - but what I love is how people take it and really make it interesting. Mere posting in forums and simplistic mini-games are transformed by safe-zone and energy bump forums, healing zones, as well as the more sinister threads where you can request for a hunter to target that annoying user who is repeatedly killing you, and these hunters are backed by medics to ensure they don't have to deal with pesky drop in health by people who seek revenge.

Also trying to decide if I want to save my inboxjournal entries in my USB key in case anything happens so I'll at least still have a copy of this stuff. But then if I lend it to a friend when we're doing a school project, there's a chance they might browse through my folders and discover it. Hmm...speaking of making extra copies, I think I might like to also save everything in my USB on the computer - I'd hate to lose all the stuff in there again like the time Arvin broke my USB by playing catch with it. And is it a bad idea to type up all those pieces of papers with random scribbled rants/thoughts/etc? In the event that I lose them? But how safe is the internet? Those scraps of paper are the stuff I DO NOT want people to see. Maybe I should just make a written copy of everything. Okay, this is getting out of hand but there are pros and cons in every choice - but I ireally don't need like 4 copies of everything.

There is homework too that needs to be done. I'm starting with a couple questions on post-France WWI, then do some MAJOR catch up in math, and then drawing up a World-Lit proposal for tomorrow.

Perhaps I'll even find some time to do some writing. I miss writing - like free wriitng, where I just write whatever I want without worry for structure and topic.

Alright, back to gaia. I've got some vampires to kill and the dark elves are outnumbered 2-1 so we'll need some help. :D

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Oct 2012
3:39 PM MDT

"Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become...habits.
Watch your habits, for they become your character.
And watch your character, for it becomes your destiny"
(Origin of quote: uncertain)

...But if that's the case, then I choose to think I am destined for great things, to be a shining light in this world.

I never realized how negative my thoughts have been lately...as well as the emotional roller coaster I've been going through might have been a consequence of depressing thoughts and words that I've spoken.

I'd forgotten that I am not shaped by my circumstances - rather, my circumstances are shaped by who I am, which is built upon how I think and act.

No more indecisiveness, no more second-guessing and doubting...if I want something, if I have a goal, then go for it and it'll be mine. Because I can do all things through Christ, and He has freely answered my prayers - I just have to choose to recieve them.
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Current Tags: choices, decisions, faith, Sunday

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Sep 2012
10:09 PM MDT

Day Before School + House keys!

Look at that. I'm seventeen, driving, and FINALLY entrusted with house keys. And Dad nearly changed his mind about it too - after I demonstrated my perchance to lose things again yesterday. Dearie me.

Ha! Am I the only one who thinks its funny that I got my set of house keys in my grade 12 year and Janette's had hers since kindergarden? *Wry grin* Then again, she's always been more responsible and practical than I am. She's so down to earth and independent...I really could take a page out of her book.

Anyway, day before school and all that...registration, then Grade 10 tours, and school stuff I guess...Oh, and Jared's single again...not that I'm surprised as usual - I could tell it was a summer fling. For his sake and the girl's I had hoped that it was something lasting. I guess all I can say is WATCH OUT! to the female population. As for me, I think I'd like a nice guy who I can joke and argue - found someone I could like in the surprising form of a - note, younger - childhood friend. But he is, in the end, one of the kids I grew up with...almost a younger brother or cousin.

Even if he is a bit cute, and funny. And a pretty decent person. And charismatic. Doesn't help that we laugh a lot together, and we argue in a way that is so much fun.

Hmm...didn't expect to go on to this tangent when I started this entry.

Alright, let's see....good things...good things...
This year's going to be a fantastic year; the best one yet. I just KNOW it. :)
Rejuvenated and ready to tackle anything.
Ah! Gained back some of the weight that I scarily lost during May-June-ish...feeling healthy. Phew.
Coming to the realization that, you know, I have some really good friends. Seriously, I didn't realize how close we were and how I actually have this group of people that I could rely for support if I need it.

There's more, of course. But let's end it here. Things I gotta do!

OH wait, drama watch: Secret Garden. OH my goodness, can I say it was HILAROUS when Oksa and the Director finally realizes what's going on?! And LOL to Oska's method of forcing the cute side character (boy, is he cute!) to sign the contract. Okay, that's enough fan girl for now. :)
2 comment(s) - 09:46 PM - 09/26/2012
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Jul 2012
2:08 AM MDT

Hmmm...let's add a journal entry.

Nah, don't quite feel like analyzing my feelings right now. That and the fact that it's kinda hard to type on the HP tablet.�Heh, looks like I'll actually have a short entry for once.�Let's have a couple random lines on what's happening and whatever comes to mind.

Um...Tyler's back in Edmonton for the summer and it looks like we're hanging out tomorrow. OH speaking of which, I ought to check facebook to see if Anita's coming too!

Oh and its been two days since Just-wen called me.

I really should finish that outline for that EE and sending to Ms. Macdonald....and I think I should switch my supervisor to Ms. Ranieri.

I have NO idea how to do the IA. You...this might be nasty.

OH OH! There's gonna be a VGHS episode update tomorrow! Why didn't I discover YouTube webseries earlier? It looks to be exciting, and I love the side pairing with Ted and Ki. The idea for the show is so creative and really its put together so well. Might even show Dad the other webseries, Sync.

Alright, off to bed because I did say I was going to try to wake up earlier tomorrow....and also I gotta make sure Tyler knows where to get off the bus.
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Mar 2012
2:09 AM MDT

Look...I made it.

Somehow I made it through that last day before spring break. Gosh, am I glad it's over. I almost cannot believe I made it through. How quickly I threw that over my back in relief - so fast I barely remember why I was stressed out in the first place. But the lack of memory really just indicates how much Ijust want to put it behind me.

Finally, it's spring break. Relief. Pure, sweet bliss. A week of nothing.
A week had seemed like so much! No homework! No School! No major freaking deadlines! YES!

Until I start thinking. And sometimes I wish I didn't...but I have to deal with this sort of stuff sometime right? It didn't actually seem like too much at first. Just bio lab, Germany questions, maybe review? Ohh yeah, no biggie, I can handle this stuff.

Then I remembered, chinese test - okay, that's fine. Math...I needed to review math badly, and that includes the IB portion. Oh wait, I really oughta review Chem 35 while I'm at it don't I? Cripes! Wasn't I also missing a section in my Unification of Germany notes? Don't forget reading the new English novel as well as that in class written assignment on the chronicle when we get back! ...And were there bio worksheets too? Oh! Full cast rehersal on Thursday, and possibly Sunday! That means I'll have to figure out how to die dramatically by then. We're also going to WEM on Tuesday, aren't we? And Kim wanted to go watch the Hunger Games sometime...but I think I might say no. AH! I also need to rip and sync the piano songs for Alex and I...and find Taylor Swift songs for Skylar, and...U2,�I think, for Victoria. Oh...ugh...and...oh man, oh man, I've got to figure out this TOK thing.

Wow I really know how to complain. I'm sure it'll all turn out fine. I'll take it all in stride...things will work out fantastically because God's watching over me. (>_ l)

Man, I miss the days of endless reading, watching silly dramas, laughing with sis, and doing all sorts of ridiculous time wasting things.

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Mar 2012
2:12 AM MDT

Here, once again.

Look who's back again.

Guess who's once again feeling stressed...and down...and misunderstood...and wanting to cry...and sick of everything...and worried...and upset...and wishing that it will all go away...would it be entirely terrible of me to just not go to school? Sometimes I wished I had the guts to fake sick like so many of my friends do. But I'm too 'good'. aren't I? I know I wouldn't be able to deal with disappointing my group members, or deal with the guilty conscience of lying to everyone.

But sometimes, in instances like this, I just want to say� "Screw it all, I don't care!". Ohhhh yeah, that would go so well.

I really thought I'd be over this. This semester was supposed to change everything, �this year was supposed to be different. Then I reread one of my previous teenage angst-y entries, and I find myself in the same mood as the time when I wrote that. In fact, I had more to add on to the�sorry list of miseries.

Look at me waste time on a school night, the day before the last day of spring break where EVERYTHING is due. Seriously teachers, are you just trying to torment us on purpose? All this "I don't want you to have to do work over spring break, it's for relaxation!" crap just means you choke all of us the week before -with an exception to Ms. Coleman because she was genuine in her wish to help us but at the same time allowing us to choose.

Italian Unification project, L.A reflection for the Chronicle of a Death Foretold, Extended Essay proposal due AND we need to talk to our EE teacher, freaking Chemistry Test tomorrow that's apparently weighted more than our final (what the heck?!) - which also apparently contains a decent amount of defnitions when our teacher had said not to worry about them, and Oma and Opa's anniversary thingy tomorrow after school which may require me to socialise while I'm cranky. Oh yeah...there's also IB math morning class.

Actually all this probably stemmed from chemistry, and I don't want to talk about it. I've never been terrified of school before.

Sometimes my family doesn't get it - especially my sister. Well actually, I think only my mother is making an effort to understand...I truly appreciate the amount of love and flexibility she's poured on me despite not actually understanding the situation. Dad's just stubborn and compares me to himself. My sister? It feels like she doesn't even bother.

Must I physically place a frown on my face, talk in a flat and upset tone, ignore her, stare anti social-y while my body language is stiff and screams stop bother me - all of which irritates and hurt her - in order for her to understand that I am� freaking serious, that i actually have to get the stuff done, and I'm not just finding an excuse to ignore her and be petty. argh.

I really should get to work...even if I'm already resigned on staying up late.

Ugh. This really sucks.

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Jun 2011
2:10 AM MDT

It never occured to me...I never noticed...

As I've mentioned in my previous entry, I am extremely, extremely tired right now - I'm almost sleep typing or whatever it is, but i wanted to type this out - even if its briefly.

So the main reason that I am currently sleep deprived is because I spent most of last night talking to Janette on the phone - quite a bit about Kenny of all things.

Seriously, it was quite an astounding epiphany. If you had just suggested a week ago, that I would actually start to consider him perhaps not quite just a friend, I would've laughed it off and denied anything of the sort. We were just friends. That's exactly what I said to Tracey at the reunion, but by fourth time......it got me thinking...just a little. Then with the phone call with Janette...I started to notice that he was actually a really nice guy! And friendly, and attentive, and fun to hang out with. And I started to notice little gestures.

I was also extremely surprised to see how oblivious I was. I know that when I like somebody, then I really gave it my all and liked someone, but I didn't realize how much of my memories revolved around them until Janette brought it up. Gaahhh!

And somehow...I totally forgot...that Kenny might've liked me back in Grade 6. It was almost like NEWS to me. Like the memory of me and Janette patrolling and the whole Justin yelling "Kenny likes Joyce" thing. I actually remember that happening, but I completely forgot it was Kenny, but I'm pretty sure it was...

Anyway, there's a whole lot more whirling around my head but I really REALLY need to sleep. Janette's got me thinking with a fresh new view of things. On one hand, I'm worried to think about this too much - I don't want to be making things out of nothing and being disappointed. On the other hand, this could be (LOL to quote Janette...) the start of something new, and something...nice?

But the two big questions that keeps coming back...It's really got me wondering....Does he still like me? Or is it like with Jonathan, and my chance has passed, and maybe I've changed too much. Argh, now I really want to know!

And the last one...Do I like him? Should I like him? I really don't know to that one, and I can feel myself being really hesistant. I think I'm just a little scared at letting myself like someone again...and I'm a little worried that it'll be like last time where I make a person out to be more than he is.

Well, it's like one in the morning and my room feels warm and stuffy. I'm gonna to open a window and head to bed. Oh, but I'm just gonna take a quick look at msn...is he taking summer school? I'll go on for just 5 minutes...

So much for a short entry.
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Jun 2011
8:23 PM MDT

Not much I can say for what happened today...I would've like to leave a more detailed entry, but I am really tired right now. Today was good, but long.

I woke up rather late this morning. However, seeing as I was on the phone with Janette until about 4:30 this morning, I'll say it was expected. What I didn't expect was a phone call from Kim inviting over� for a Harry Potter movie marathon. With a bit of grumbling (silent and internal, of course) I agreed to go over. It was a good bit of fun actually with Kim, Jin and Steven. We stayed till 8 and somehow Jin and Steven went home with me and stayed till about 10. Then we proceeded to play dutch blitz while calling Sandra to make her jealous. And then Steven, the silly guy, refused to borrow a sweater for his walk home, or use any bug spray for the mosquitos. Seriously!

Not that I didn't want to go - I did want to hang out a bit with Kim and co - but hey, I have one week before summer school starts...and for a week that I had originally intended for some reviving and relaxing chill-at-home time, I seem to have some out and about activity planned for every single day this week.

Monday: Well, I did nothing...but seing as I woke up at 12:30 and didn't do a whole lot, it was a bit of a waste of a good day.
Tuesday: There was the Dovercourt reunion which turned out surprisingly well...and with some interesting results. Oh right, piano concert too.
Wednesday: Harry Potter movie marathon!
Thursday: We're all headed to Sandra's place for a crazy water balloon fight.
Friday: Hopefully nothing.
Saturday/Sunday : The usual weekend thing. And I hope, and boy, do I hope, that Jiat wen will not try to pull off a sleepover weekend thing. I really don't think I can handle more outings right now.

Then we're back to school on Monday. Oh joy...summer school.

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Mar 2011
2:11 AM MDT

Some days...I really just don care...

Sometimes I really don't care...I just don't. Homework, marks, friends, family, courses/options, choices - really who cares? And I spend the time lying around, sulking in a corner, staring into space...in a secluded corner from my family, of course...I can't let them know...because it'll worry them and its because I, you know... actually care. How can I not? It'd be so much easier if I could just be...

Then the next day comes around, and I beat myself up for wasting that precious time on doing nothing. What was I thinking? Then the pressure builds up again, and something small, something just slightly�irritating causes it to snap...again.

You could probably tell I'm in one of�those moments right now or maybe�not.

Well,�I know for sure I'm procrastinating, supposed to be doing science right now. After all,�my friends�need my portion of the project to complete it, I shouldn't�worry them.�I was going to get right into it too.

I should also be going to sleep now, have to wake up early for library/preschool duty you know, but it's only now I'll get a bit of privacy and time alone when eveyone's sleeping.
I should be mature and go apologize to mom, and make it up to her, even if it wasn't entirely my fault.
I should practice my flute and finish my other assignments.
I should stop sulking and forgive�Dad and get over the scolding yesterday.
I should join youth again.
I should be more motivated to do everything.
I should be more reliable.
I should not talk back.
I should be more responsible.
I shouldn't be so easily irritated.
I should send Grandma and Grandpa a letter - with photos.
I "should" choose a career that is "good", "well paying" and "approved by asian parents" and "teachers with high expectations"
I "should" work harder...because apparently, it's not enough, because I'm not doing all I can.
I "should" quit musical theatre because it's causing me to be so busy, that if I continue to do it next year - while in the full IB program - I'll have no time and my marks my drop! Also, it troubles my dad to drive me places all the time!
I should be more considerate, less self centered, and more Christ centered so I cabn better love people.
I shouldn't be so childish. But I am still a child, right? Or perhaps not.
I "shouldn't" even be considering advanced acting or taking drama 20 or musical theatre! because...well, I "should" take all the important stuff first, and when I'm "done" I can take the fun stuff. Like when would that be? After I graduate?!! I want to take it now for a reason! Its HIGH SCHOOL...ugh. Just because *certain people* don't appreciate the arts, doesn't mean I have to follow.
I should be more like "so and so"
I "shouldn't" be like those�kids.
I should speak up for what is right, and for myself.
I shouldn't procrastinate, and should manage my time wisely.
I should...I should...
I should care.
But sometimes...I don't.

I want to do something with my life; I want to change the world! But it seems so difficult at times, like everyone is against you. I'm sure I'll be fine...it's hurting inside...and I can't let anyone know...but I'll make it through.

Christ lives in me, Galatians 2:20
I can do anything with God on my side. I'll be okay, more than okay if he's planning my life. Thank goodness I still have him to rely on.

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Jul 2010
11:41 PM MDT

I miss it, them, everything - lots.

Sometimes I miss the loads you know? My grandparents...I love them so much, and I'm worried for them sometimes too. I wish I could see them everyday. I wish I could just say "Oh I'll think I'll bus to their place and visit them this Saturday," or "It's a half an hour walk or a 15 minute drive to Grandma and Grandpa, no biggie," or even a 5 hour drive, or 10 hour drive....better than a whopping amount of 22 hours on the plane right? Flight tickets are costly, you know!

Grandma eats a whole lot of bread, biscuits, fruits but not a whole lot of rice, meat or vegetables. Sometimes it seems like there's not� a lot for her to do. Grandpa always eats the leftovers, and since grandma doesn't eat a lot...its a lot. I tell him to stop eating when he's full, like JUST full, and OVERLY full. It's a hard habit to break though, especially when food spoil so fast in that climate. Then because there's usually nothing else for him to do, he goes almost straight to sleep. I think we all know that's bad for you. He works a lot too, because...well i guess he doesn't know what else to do. But then he gets tired you know. Also, the air there isn't very fresh, yet there's not a lot that could be done about that.�We're their grandchild, we're supposed to visit them often so they could spoil us often. Grandparents are usually retired with not much to do...so they spend most their time on their grandchildren...and they don't even have that much. There's this expanse of land and ocean between us....sometimes I feel like I've robbed them of something. We call tons and talk for a long time but it's not the same.

Occasionally I would miss the life I would've had too.�Yes, there's no way I would give up the one I have now...but the old one's still a part of me you know. People don't get that you know. They say it's simple enough to decide, this is much better, much much better...why bother with that? Is one�not enough? All I can say is that you can't miss what you never had...and that's exactly it...they never had what I had, how could they miss it? I feel stuck, you know? I grow wistful for the old life, but I wouldn't ever trade the one I have now, yet I still crave for it, why can't I have both?

I miss the chance of being a teenager there. I miss a vital part of growing up there, being a part of that. I miss dancing - oh the fun of it, and miss what more I could've learned and be�a part of if i had stayed. I miss the friendships,�the communities�- I love the ones I have now, but its so contrastingly different - I need both, or want both....I don't know how to put what I miss and missed into words.

I don't miss the excrutiating stress that follows every student there,�I don't miss the hot temperatures, the sadness and poverty, the pressure and STRESS.

Why can't I have both worlds? I feel like I'm not quite suited for either. I'm accepted, I fit in...but no one ever fully understands me. I'm a part of them now, speak like them, act kind of like them, but my childhood was so very different than theirs. How I think� is different too. Then I go back for a visit, back to where I use to call home...and I find that I've been away too long, it had changed without me. I hadn't grown up with it. It sees me as a friend who it had lost touch with for years and is unable to put me back into it. I don't fit fully anymore, I'm not a part of it anymore...but it hurts because...well...because I can see what I've missed out on.

What a fitful mood I'm in. I better sleep. I'm not like this very often. I usually push all these depressing feelings away, but I guess the stress' gotten the better of me...it doesn't help that I haven't slept for 18 `& 1/2 hours now. Summer school with intense gym teachers didn't help either. Small wonder I'm lethargic, exhausted and spent. And cranky, moody, and feeling depressed.

Wow, check out the bad use of punctuations, grammar...and for lack of a better word...stuff. I really need to sleep.


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Jul 2010
4:59 PM MDT

Just A Summer School Day

This is going to bea short entry post; just a quick jot of thoughts about what's going on and stuff. I really don't want to spend too much time on this because...well...I could be using this time to read spuffy fics! Or write stories of my own!

Well...it's summer...and I'm in school. I took the gym and CALM combo to free up an option. It's keeping me busy, but I'm having fun - most of the time. Having school with Janette, and other elementary friends is pretty cool. :D We're headed for the Velodrome tomorrow. Some bike field trip thingy. Janette says it's fun but I heard its scary too! I'm seriously learning some interesting stuff in Career and Life Management.
Phew, and I also FINALLY dealt with the Taylor thing. I opted out on going over, and just made a phone call saying that I could make it to her Bday. I know, not very nice - but I really didn't want to get stuck for hours at her place before going home!
We're going to Vancouver this Saturday for two weeks. This time we'll get to see Uncle Fred, Aunty Naomi, Samuel and Megan! I hope they had a good landing in Canada and they're adapting well to Vancouver! It's going to be a fun trip - hopefully much better than the last one! I'll make sure I do something productive on the long drive there. Daydreaming's fun, however for 18 hours is a waste of time - no matter how fun that is.
That's about it for now. I'm gonna to do some other stuff before mom comes hounding me about sleep.
Love Joyce.
Ohh, here's to the few latest songs I've been listening to. (Besides Bonaminah by Super Junior) "Xian Yu" and "Wo De Ma" by Huang Jing Lun. *squeal* He's so adorable especially as Yu Yi in Momo Love. His songs are funny too! Oh...and to randomly add....he's also a Singaporean! Woot!

*inhale sharply* Ohh...no so short entry after all.
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Jul 2010
4:55 PM MDT

JUST look at it the from the other view okay?! You e not the only one thats getting hurt!

I'm tired of being the understanding one; tired of being the middleman; tired of seeing both sides of the situation and being the only who could; tired of being the mature one in freaking everything; tired of trying to ask people to PLEASE open your mind, and just TRY to see from another point of view. Is that really too much to ask? You don't have to agree with them - sometimes I don't either, but please just try to see where the other person's�coming from!

I"m not trying to side with anyone. I"m not trying to antagonize you�by being on "the other side." I don't agree with either one of you. I"m simply trying to let you understand what the other person's thinking and why they act that way - not saying that its right or wrong. I'm trying to give you�an unbiased view of the situation, not defend the other person. In fact, I usually do the same thing to the other person, I tell them what YOU think, what�THEY needed to work on,�and WHY you reacted the way you did. And�guess what? Do guess who's the scrapegoat who gets BOTH of the vented feelings of hurt.��It's too difficult to try an alleviate these misunderstandings, too difficult to nurture forgiveness and love between people (especially when you get�the brunt of it and people get angry and act childishly immature...anyway...) �but it's so stupidly painful to watch people fight and argue, how they think they're think the�one that is being hurt�and do not stop for a second to see how they're hurting the other person, how its JUST miscommunications. I have no idea if that's a real word, and truthfully, don't care at the moment because it sums up what� I was trying to say.

Frankly, I think the both sides are at fault, neither is right, both too narrow minded to see from past their own perspectives. WHY CAN'T PEOPLE BE A LITTLE MORE UNDERSTANDING?! Yes the way to solve this problem is to ignore the other person even if they're not even talking about the fight anymore. Yes, leave the room because I'm in here. Yes, please talk rot�behind the person's back and in front of people care for the both of you and hurt them too. Yes, thank me for making you cry and asking me if I thought I had achieve my goal because that's exactly what I wanted when�it was definitely not easy to get up and actually try to do something about it rather than watch it happen AGAIN passively.� Yes, please bring up every single time you can think of about how the other person did you wrong. And you say I'M the one who needs to grow up.

As you can see I was rather upset, and that was a rather long rant that had been in me for awhile. For anyone who actually got this far, who read this far, I want to say I appreciate it. To wrap it up, I just want to say that next time someone puts you down, or hurt your feelings deeply, or you get into a fight, please try and consider try to see from the other person's point of view. When you get hurt, chances are - not always but most likely - �you have hurt them somehow too, if not before they hurt you, definitely during the heated conversation that follows. �Don't retaliate because they're done something to you, then it'll never end, and then you also hurt the people who are watching, because its usually such a small and STUPID thing.

Well, the world calls...
Have a g'night sleep everyone!
With love, Supersolvers
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Jan 2010
12:29 AM MDT

So it's now 2010. I can't believe its been roughly 10 months since I've typed an entry. I know that time and time again I've said I would seriously try to keep a consistent journal/diary thing; obviously I have not succeeded. Well why don't we start with what I'm doing.

Its 10:48, Thursday, and mom wants me to go to sleep. I agreed providing that I can finish an entry first. We all know that's going to take awhile, when was the last time I wrote a short entry? I am currently listening to�"Burn For You" by Toby Mac, while I wait for "Love Like This" by SS501 to sync into my mp3. I can't believe Emily knows them too!!

Hmm...Looks like I better hurry, mom really wants me to sleep early. Can't say I blame her, we're going to Winter Camp Nakamun tomorrow after school.

Well, looks like I'll have to end it here, which is quite sad seeing that I've only got the introduction out. My mom thinks this computer is off, and that I am in my cozy bed sleeping. I was going to write about a lot things too! I wanted to talk a bit about Tamora Pierce and why I'm attempting to keep a journal again, about the Grade 9 shots (including the one we got today), about Kelsey, the social project, and just generally the stuff that's been happening and my feelings. But sometimes it feels as if writing about the hold would take as long as the whole day. I guess I'll continue this tomorrow. Oh wait, I'm off to Camp Nakamun at� 5:30 tomorrow. With school and packing, I highly doubt I'll be able to find the time to go on the computer.

I better get going, I really need to sleep. I haven't been sleeping enough lately...I can't seem to get in habit after winter break. Shoot, I have to go. I hear something in the other room. Hopefully its not mom coming to check on me.

Goodnight and with lots of love,



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Sep 2009
12:37 AM MDT

September 11th, 12:20 (1:23 Edmonton time) Los Angeles International Airport, Gate 121

������������ In about 2 hours, we will be boarding the SIA (Singapore International Airline) plane to Singapore, making a swift stop at Tokyo to refuel the plane. We will reach Singapore on Sunday at around one in the morning. (That would be sometime on Saturday)
����������� The internet at the airport here isn’t free, and is actually quite expensive, so obviously, I’m not going to use it. At least this is a great time for me to catch up on journal writing, which I have fallen behind in due to being exhausted when I got back from Disneyland.
����������� I know it’s not very smart to keep bits and pieces of your journal here and there, but seriously, I can type much, much faster on the computer than I can write on paper. Besides, I’m charging my MP3 and someone has to watch the laptop! It’s kind of annoying because I have to stand up though…
����������� I’m going to go back and write previous entries like I actually wrote it at that time, which in my opinion would be better than posting one giant entry.
����������� I’m disappointed I won’t be able to watch episode 29 of K.O san guo for a long time. We were all hoping that they would upload it by 8-9 am in the morning so if we woke up early and pack quickly, we would be able to enjoy the latest episode of the show. We finished breakfast, packed everything and then eagerly turned on the computer which had access to free wireless internet (Thank you, Best Western Inn!) and found out that it would be uploaded in 2 hours. Argh, at that time, I was on the bus shuttle heading for the airport. I would watch it right now, IF I get this hooked up to internet that doesn’t cost me a gazillion dollars for an hour.
����������� Well, that will be the end for now. My sister wants to use the laptop to type her story. I’ll go do my math homework, draw, and write stories or something fun like that.

OH, OH, I almost forgot. I will be sending postcards to people!! I forgot to send them before we got it to the airport and now its too late to mail it here in Los Angeles. I’ll just give it to the air hostess and she’ll do it for me I guess. My dad’s guessing that they’ll probably mail it from Tokyo, seeing as that is the next stop. Boy, as much as receiving a Californian postcard from Tokyo sounds extremely cool, it’ll definitely take much longer if I were to mail it from there. I’d hate for the postcards to reach everyone AFTER I get back from my visit back to Singapore!

Muahahaha, I love the laptop. It would have taken me so much longer to have written this entry.
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Current Tags: airport, flight, Singapore

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Mar 2009
12:05 PM MDT

Homework, homework and....more homework! argh!

Darn, I just wrote a perfectly long and wonderful entry and it....disappeared and didn't save!! Just great...on one of the odd days I manage to convince myself to write in the journal...it doesn't save. GAAAAAHHHH

I guess I'll have to retype...just without all the extra colors and stuff....Here we go:

Dear Journal,There's just been so much homework lately! Like seriously, I'm not talking about everyday worksheets and booklets! That I can handle. What bugs me is we get these huge projects and tests that come around the same time! You finish one project and you get another....wow.�
L.A presentation
L.A poetry project
Science Test
Math Chapter Test
Social presentation
Chinese skit/play thingy
Garrr...one after another!!! I've finished to L.A stuff, Science and Math is over...so now I just have Social presentation and the skit. But really....2 weeks ago its was so peaceful! It was merely the calm before the storm!! How weird to use it to describe the way my teachers give out homework.�
Well...at least I'm looking forward to the chinese play! Even if its kinda�a little tedious and going to be long....Especially with Emily and I doing almost all the work in our 5 people group...
However, that means that WE get to decide what play we're doing, WE choose what scenes we're gonna do, WE get to decide what they're gonna act....OOOHH, lemme tell you, this is going to be good!
I claimed director + 1/2 script writer! But in order to get this amazing position, it means I'll be the main translator for the play....
Still....poor Johnny, poor AJ, poor Aileen and Emily (even if she's helping cuz this is for the good of the play)....okay, okay, poor people who are in my group - except for me, that is! That's cuz I'm narrator. MUA HAHAHAH!!
So Emily's gonna fall in love with Jonathan...and vice versa (hehehe She already has a crush on him, so I'm sure we can squeeze in some awkward moments!)�
AJ's the emperor AND the herbalist whose married to Aileen. They will be parents of Emily.�
But don't worry, nothing will go further than a hug or two, so hand holding, awkward script....and sappy moments.�
But lemme tell you, its gonna be awesome!!! Everyone will have fun, and I guarantee you, we're all going to get a FANTASTIC mark on this. I hope ours will be the best, I think the top 2 plays will be Ours and Vivian's group. They have good people in their group and all, but they're going to act it out in Cantonese and sub title it in chinese. When I heard about this, alarm bells went off in my head....but they seemed convince that it'll be okay...so I'll leave it to them
I'm gonna fone Janette now!!�
Lots of luv �Joyce!
ps. I've written some other entries on paper...will type them up when I have time!
1 comment(s) - 09:26 PM - 11/06/2009
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Current Tags: homework, skit, stress

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Nov 2008
3:58 PM MDT

Why don't I want to write an entry when I'm actually ON the computer??!!

WHY??!!!�No seriously. When I need to write everything out, the computer happens to be turned off, or I'm not near one. And when FINALLY I get on the computer....I don't even want to think about writing!! ARGH!!

There much better...had to get that out.�So now we know why I have a total of 2 private and 2 - now 3 - public posts. Ahhh well...I'll post more...er....later....right? Let's go see if Janette's posted anything since the last time I came on....which was a month ago.

(Trust me she's way more dedicated to writing entries than I am. Most of my journals *on paper or on computer* had never lasted more than 4 entries. So I'm happy!)

Feeling extremely proud at the fact that she actually wrote an entry,


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Sep 2008
3:52 PM MDT

Entry #2 The first phone call with Emily AND Janette

Entry #2. How original I'm sure no one could think of a better title. I'll change it....someday...

Its Monday, I have to say I had a great start of the week! Yay!!! First thing first, tomorrow we have the cross country orienteering race!! Man, it's gonna be fun, hope we win first!

*sits, staring at screen* uh...how do we write journals...this is awkward. I'M NOT A JOURNAL PERSON. Let's get advice from Janette, who's on the fone! yay!

I was on the fone with Emily today and we attempted a three way with Janette...hehehe chaos for the next 15 min with everyone hanging up at the wrong time, pressing the wrong button etc

�Argh! it was like yes! Janette's on the line and then uh oh...Emily hung up on me by accident AGAIN...then to make things worse I had to eat. Luckily I was allowed to eat and talk.

�Janette and Emily are my awesome friends and I hope they become great friends too!

I just got an incredible idea for this entry's title!!

Tags: friends, phone
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Sep 2008
1:42 PM MDT

My 1st entry!!

My first entry!! I'll try to write a minimum of 3 entries per week. I've never been a journal person even though i really really wanted to have one, they never lasted more than 3 entries before I gave up.

1 comment(s) - 08:45 PM - 09/22/2008
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Sep 2014
2:37 AM MDT

I'm so tired.
I don't know how to stop
I don't know how to keep going
I'm so tired
all the time

I want to sleep so bad
I need to sleep so bad
I really don't want to sleep and face tomorrow
Tags: tired
1 comment(s) - 01:32 AM - 06/30/2015
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Jul 2015
2:49 AM MDT


Drunk on stories
Drunk on the lives of the characters - their bravery, their joy, their struggle, their pain, their persistence and resiliency
on the unconditional and awe-inspiring love shown and felt by these people
even in face of unexpected betray from someone so close that they trusted
- like a dull carving knife into one's heart
And yet, through the pain, through the agony, they bear a vicious grin with blood pouring out of their mouths, standing tall to fight.
Or they reach out and continue to love, love, and love and save
the one who had coldly pierced their exposed hearts
even if it meant taking the knife out of their murderer's hands
and further impaling themselves on it
(for all those characters who still chose to save those who hurt them, even if it meant giving up their lives)

I am drunk on their courage
their dammed unwavering loyalty�
(Oh Stefan my heart broke for you and I am in awe at your faithfulness to Marsilia)
I am drunk on their ability to find what they firmly believe
And stand for it in the face of unshakeable odds
And they come out battered, bruised, damaged, and perhaps even weaker than before
But before you stands a man who you can only look upon with great respect
and admire for making the tough choices of doing what they think is right
- though sadly enough, as we all know intimately, that sometimes that doesn't mean it is
(Thank you Harry Dresden, for teaching us that it's okay that sometimes our very best is not enough. We must always pick ourselves up and keep going, even through the face of our mistakes)
I am drunk on the lives they have lived
The decisions they have made
The adventures they have embarked upon
The loves that they had
The enemies and temptations they fought
The things they learned

The lessons they taught

I cry as they have cried through heartbreak, pain, and death

I wept among their family and mourners in their funerals

I laugh at their comical antics or the absurd situations they found themselves in

I felt the fierce swell of triumph when the underdog stands straight once again,
from the beaten pile of limbs,grinning with blood in our teeth and conviction of our victory in our eyes

- or at least our damned determination to see it through at the very least

I drink and drink and drink

of these stories spun masterfully by skilled writers

I drink until I cannot tell if I am drinking ambrosia or poison,

until I cannot tell if it inspires life in me when I am weary of the struggles and monotony of life

�or if it leaves me drugged for a fantastical substitute�

numb to real life

unable to cope with facing my own trials,
always longing and desperate for the next hit

Like a drug addict who despises his sorry situation

but makes no move to confront and make a change in his lifestyle

choosing instead to escape by injecting another wonderous shot of ecstasy

that slide through your veins like the sweetest bad decision you've ever made

I drink until I only know that I fear sobrierty

And then I drink some more so that even that fear is gone and I can live through

someone else's pain and someone else's joy

so I do not have to face my own.
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Current Tags: addiction, escape, hurt, pain, poetry, reading, rough draft

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  • Username: Ranilyn
  • Gender / Age: Female, 29
  • Location: Canada
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