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    Ranilyn  26, Female, Canada - 26 entries
23
Jul 2010
11:41 PM MST
   

I miss it, them, everything - lots.

Sometimes I miss the loads you know? My grandparents...I love them so much, and I'm worried for them sometimes too. I wish I could see them everyday. I wish I could just say "Oh I'll think I'll bus to their place and visit them this Saturday," or "It's a half an hour walk or a 15 minute drive to Grandma and Grandpa, no biggie," or even a 5 hour drive, or 10 hour drive....better than a whopping amount of 22 hours on the plane right? Flight tickets are costly, you know!

Grandma eats a whole lot of bread, biscuits, fruits but not a whole lot of rice, meat or vegetables. Sometimes it seems like there's not� a lot for her to do. Grandpa always eats the leftovers, and since grandma doesn't eat a lot...its a lot. I tell him to stop eating when he's full, like JUST full, and OVERLY full. It's a hard habit to break though, especially when food spoil so fast in that climate. Then because there's usually nothing else for him to do, he goes almost straight to sleep. I think we all know that's bad for you. He works a lot too, because...well i guess he doesn't know what else to do. But then he gets tired you know. Also, the air there isn't very fresh, yet there's not a lot that could be done about that.�We're their grandchild, we're supposed to visit them often so they could spoil us often. Grandparents are usually retired with not much to do...so they spend most their time on their grandchildren...and they don't even have that much. There's this expanse of land and ocean between us....sometimes I feel like I've robbed them of something. We call tons and talk for a long time but it's not the same.

Occasionally I would miss the life I would've had too.�Yes, there's no way I would give up the one I have now...but the old one's still a part of me you know. People don't get that you know. They say it's simple enough to decide, this is much better, much much better...why bother with that? Is one�not enough? All I can say is that you can't miss what you never had...and that's exactly it...they never had what I had, how could they miss it? I feel stuck, you know? I grow wistful for the old life, but I wouldn't ever trade the one I have now, yet I still crave for it, why can't I have both?

I miss the chance of being a teenager there. I miss a vital part of growing up there, being a part of that. I miss dancing - oh the fun of it, and miss what more I could've learned and be�a part of if i had stayed. I miss the friendships,�the communities�- I love the ones I have now, but its so contrastingly different - I need both, or want both....I don't know how to put what I miss and missed into words.

I don't miss the excrutiating stress that follows every student there,�I don't miss the hot temperatures, the sadness and poverty, the pressure and STRESS.

Why can't I have both worlds? I feel like I'm not quite suited for either. I'm accepted, I fit in...but no one ever fully understands me. I'm a part of them now, speak like them, act kind of like them, but my childhood was so very different than theirs. How I think� is different too. Then I go back for a visit, back to where I use to call home...and I find that I've been away too long, it had changed without me. I hadn't grown up with it. It sees me as a friend who it had lost touch with for years and is unable to put me back into it. I don't fit fully anymore, I'm not a part of it anymore...but it hurts because...well...because I can see what I've missed out on.

What a fitful mood I'm in. I better sleep. I'm not like this very often. I usually push all these depressing feelings away, but I guess the stress' gotten the better of me...it doesn't help that I haven't slept for 18 `& 1/2 hours now. Summer school with intense gym teachers didn't help either. Small wonder I'm lethargic, exhausted and spent. And cranky, moody, and feeling depressed.

Wow, check out the bad use of punctuations, grammar...and for lack of a better word...stuff. I really need to sleep.

Joyce

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