Just thoughts.

Jan 2009
6:45 PM EDT


Has anyone ever just thought of how fucking sad it is that everyone has hopes and dreams of traveling and just�being happy...

And all they need is money. the money.

people blow money every-fuckin-day and don't give a rats ass.

how is that even remotly fair? all those people who just wanna be happy...

it's ridiculous and sad.

On a lighter note:

Life blows.

Thanks for listening dumbfucks.

Tags: fuck
1 comment(s) - 11:46 PM - 04/03/2009
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Dec 2008
5:59 PM EDT


I havn't posted anything in a while.

Alot has changed.

1. I'm completly && totally in love.

2. I've known this guy for 4 years, so stfu about being to young to be in love. (i'll tell you more about him when i have more time to write.)

3. I'm still having the same weird feelings that i was having in my last posts.

4. I'm getting increasingly better at the piano.

5. I got a kick ass camera. <3

6. Writing has become a huge part of my life, i'll post some of my quotes/sayings/poems at the bottom of this entry...

7. There is way to much stuff on my mind to number it all.


i wish i would've died in your arms the
last time we were together. so i wouldn't
have to wake without you today


but the most important thing is,
even if we're apart,
i'll always be with you


You know you’ve read a good book
when you turn the last page
and feel as if you’ve lost a friend


You're in a car with a beautiful boy,
and he won't tell you that he loves you.
And you feel like you've done something terrible,
like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills,
or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt,
and you're tired.
You're in a car with a beautiful boy,
and you're trying not to tell him that you love him,
and you're trying to choke down the feeling,
and you're trembling,
but he reaches over and he touches you,
like a prayer for which no words exist,
and you feel your heart taking root in your body,
like you've discovered something
you don't even have a name for

^^my favorite^^


You have a choice. Live or die.
Every breath is a choice. Every minute
is a choice. Every time you don't throw
yourself down the stairs, that's a choice.
Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist


Most days from the moment i wake to when i go to sleep at night....im unhappy. When i met you, all that changed


And id rather be outside in the freezing rain with you
than to be warm in the arms of someone else.


I�guess what i like best about you is how you
can make me laugh even when nothing's funny.

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Current Tags: Camera, Change, Love, Poem, Sony, Twilight

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Dec 2008
9:57 PM EDT

Entry Title... why so optional?

The closest thing i've ever felt to love was this.

It's the scariest feeling in the world. But at the same time, it's the best.

It's hard to say if it's love.

But, it's the best thing to it.

Tags: love
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Dec 2008
3:57 PM EDT

I can't remember what sleep feels like.

I feel like i have so much time on my hands, and i dont know what to do with it.

I read alot. But after i finish the book i wish i had tooken more time reading it.

I play the piano. But i can only play the piano during the day. Grand Pianos have a loud sound. =]

I write sometimes. But i can't get feedback on it because i don't want to put my writing up anywhere. Last time i did that i got all of it stolen.

I play games, like online and stuff. But they all seem to be so easy, and worthless.

I look things up. Learn about things i don't know about. But sometimes i feel like that's pretty worthless as well.

I draw, paint, etc. But i usually throw it away or put it in my basement. Rejection scares me. Alot.

I spend my days getting through them. Waiting for somthing to happen. Waiting to figure the reason i'm here. What duty do i serve?

Talking to other people about these things is a waste of time. When you speak as if you came out of a poetry book, people don't really get the grip on what you're saying.

I want to run away. Not really run away from my parents/friend/family. Just run away from me. What i've become. I want to go someplace where i can just lay and look at the stars without a plane hovering overhead, or so much lights on the streets you can barly tell its twilight. I know running away is not an opition. But it sounds nice.

-if you've read this whole thing, i applaud you.

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Current Tags: Sleep, Twilight, Why, Worthless

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Dec 2008
6:17 PM EDT

Everything is so strange....

My family has been joking around with me being a vampire. because:

1.I have very white, sprakly , perfect teeth which ive never had dentil work on.

2.I'm allergic to garlic.

3.I'm very pale. ive never seen someone so naturally pale. and neither has anyone else.

4.My eyes are black when im angry.

5.School comes very easy to me. And im a very quick learner.

6.I don't blink, i only blink when i put in my contacts, and when i close my eyes if somthing might get in my eyes.

7.I have headaches alot.

8.The only place i get pimples is on the back of my neck, and i think in my 14 years, ive had 2 pimples.

9.Some people say my face/skin is the clearest thing they'd ever seen.

10.My senses are very acute. I can hear someone�whispering 4 rooms away. I can smell everyone's own scent, and i know who comes in the room by smell. My skin is chilly alot. and im very sensitive to heat (like in the shower, i feel like warm water is burning my skin). The only reason i have glasses/contacts is because when i was little i got into some chemicals and hurt my eeyes, so i have very bad eye sight. but its fine with glasses. =]

11.i breath a bit heavier/faster than most people.

12.I dont really like the sun, when i go outside i close my eyes if the true sunlight is out because it hurts my eyes, and gives me a headache. and when the sun shines right on my skin it stings. But i love the feel of it when im really cold.

I've never shared this with anyone, and probly never will. it's a shame how people are these days. =/

You're probly reading this saying 'she's making this all up, she just wants attention' OR 'omg vampires arn't real!!!' OR 'how does all �this have to do with being a vampire?!'

I have an answer for you, this is my journal. You decided to read it. Keep your rude thoughts to yourself. i never once said i was a vampire. im just posting my thoughts.

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Current Tags: blood, garlic, pale, vampire

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Nov 2008
6:55 PM EDT

I'm so cold.

I've seen Twilight 3 times since it's came out. i'm soooo cool.

Anyways. lets talk about the basics.

1.It's 25 days til' Christmas. My parents asked me 'Do we still need to buy you gifts, or are you old enough that we don't have to anymore?'

2.Thanksgiving was... tiring, fake,�and never-ending.

3.My apperantice doesn't seem to consume my life as much now. And i'm very happy with that. I'd really like to make friends with someone whom will be MY friend, now my style's friend. =D

4.I'm not dating anyone, and i havnt dated anyone in a long time. I've given up on crushes, they're useless, and all that provide is heartbreak or anger. I'm not super worried right now about that anyways. I'm in high school. Its not i'm middle-aged and have 3 kids. I'll wait for my Edward to find me.

5.I'm writing a 'story' well...more like a book. I'm on chapter 5. And no, i won't be posting any of my book. OR my art. Because all that leads to is people stealing my work.

6.Zia (my ball python) seems to be my only friend latly. Israel is soo immature...well...actually he's quite dumb. He may be a junior, but im a freshman, and he gets angry with me when i talk above his head. My fault? Nope.� And Ashley (bff?), well, i'm just not sure. I have a very bad feeling that she is going to leave/give up on me very soon. I try to tell her everything, but she never seems to want to say anything back. She says she's just a 'listener', and not a talker. But i have a strange feeling that that's not quite the truth. That make's me quite sad actually... *blinks eyes to try to hold back crying*

7.I wish my sister was my age. Her being away at College sorta sucks. But, then again it has it's up sides.� Her boyfriend lives here with his, and i dont mind that AT ALL because he's awesome, and i love talking to him. He's like a brother. But i like her being away because i can have friends over without worrying if they are gunna wanna hang out with her more than me. (which has happened before) AND i dont have to worry about having my hair done and makeup done all the time, because when she is home she ALWAYS has friends over. I swear, she has like 230924029384 friends. She makes me feel so anti-social. BUT, i like having her home because when she's in a good mood, i love talking to her. And when she's home (and no friends over) we sometimes go places together. And i really love getting out of the house and spending time with her. Getting to know her more would be great. Yet, she never has time for her little sister. =/ I suppose that's the way it is with all sisters, right?

8.it SUCKS because there are a couple things i can't even post on the internet because people would call me crazy or somehow the people who know me from my school or whatever would find it, then tell everyone. It's nothing embrassing, its just, not very humanly.

9.Geez. The Twilight Soundtrack is mezerizing. I listen to it ALL the time. <3

10.I havn't slept in 2 and a half weeks. The last time i slept i dreampt of me walking down a dark street and i heard someone talking to themselves. They were sitting on the curb, i put my hand on their shoulder and then they were just gone...i looked around and tried to find them, i ran until my lungs gave out and i dropped to the ground. Then, i woke. It's scary...i just dont understand what it means.

11.I'm going to go play the piano for a while. i'm getting better at it i think. =]

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Current Tags: christmas, cold, dream, piano, twilight

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Nov 2008
10:41 PM EDT

The End

I reached the end of Twilight today.

It was as amazing as i thought it would be. =]

That book is like a dream...

Since i started reading the series, i've dream't of it...

Vampires...Blood...Love...*sigh* and Edward...

I wonder what i'll dream tonight?

ByTheWay: My next entry will be longer, it's just that once i enter my little world...*laughes quietly*...you never know when i'll be back.

2 comment(s) - 11:35 AM - 11/29/2008
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Current Tags: Blood, Edward, Twilight, Vampires

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Nov 2008
7:25 PM EDT

Waiting... but for what?

Our days are numbered.

Every one of us.

I wake up and get dressed, and face the crowd. But, for what? Why just wait for somthing to happen? what am i waiting to long for? Why do i just 'get though' everything? I have so many questions.

When will someone answer me??

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Current Tags: Answer, immortal, Shy

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Nov 2008
9:42 PM EDT

What's my wall?

I just got past the 'meadow' scene in Twilight. It was amazing, as usual. But it also got my mind thinking at a million miles an hour. I'll start off with what started my whole thinking process (besides Twilight).

I was lying in bed and i was pushing a pillow off my bed, but the wall caught it. And i just though of how the wall supported that pillow so well, i even tried to push it off more, but it held strong. Right then i thought '...What's my wall?...what's keeping me from falling off the edge?.. Why do i even bother walking up in the morning?' It scared me, i couldn't think of anything or anyone.

Then that made me wonder if i'd ever meet someone that could be my wall. If i could ever have someone who couldn't stand the sight of me only because they wanted me so badly. Will I ever find my Edward?

I couldn't answer a single question.

When i think of my life continuing like it is now, me never getting anywhere, never doing anything that mattered. Never finding my other half. Or even just a friend...

So let's talk about something else. 'Cause everytime i think about this stuff, i cry, or at least let out a few tears to stream down my face. I hate it when people see me cry. I feel weak. I wanna be strong. I wanna be able to be someone else's wall. *sigh* It seems like the only time i laugh is when i watch 'Family Guy'.

Some of the people at Children's Mercy suggested i go and see someone to ''talk'' to.� Ykno, where the crazy people go to cry. *grins* Sorry about that. *crooked smile* Uh..I kinda wanna go and talk to someone like that... But i also don't because the last time i did she told my parents every word i said. So, what's the point in going? I think i'm gunna try a couple people, see if i click with anyone. Hey, maybe she can put me on some stronger happy pills and i'll probly still be in pain, but HEY i'm happy, rightttttttttt?

*sigh* No. Not really.

Sadly i feel as though the pain is getting worse by the day. And i worry i'll never have a normal life, well as close to a normal life as i can get. It's horrid. The pain. And not only am i ill. I have all these other things in my life i have to deal with. I just tell myself every day it will get better...ykno...it always happens that way for people in movies..right?

I know i'm wrong. I just wish i could be right.

My tears won the battle. Good thing my journal isn't paper.

1 comment(s) - 05:32 PM - 11/18/2008
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Current Tags: Family Guy, Good luck, make-up, Twilight, weird

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Nov 2008
7:47 PM EDT

Where to start? (#1)

I've decided an online journal is most likly the best for me. Considering my mother will read anything and everything that looks like it belongs to me. I've started journals many many times. I've either forgot about the whole journal idea because it felt more like an obligation then a relaxation techniquie. Or my journal was found, read, and gotton shoved in my face because of the words i write. Shouldn't a journal be something that is completly yours? Shouldn't it be somewhere you can just spill your blood, guts, and feelings into? If i ever get an answer, i'll tell write down in this neat little online-journal.

Besides all the nonsense�of starting my journal...

It's been 2 days since i was dismissed from Children's Mercy Hospital. Gah, i hate saying 'children's mercy' i feel like i'm so young and helpless, like i have no expericance with anything. I relize i'm 14 years young, but i still can't help but be angery about not being able to make all of my desisions. Any whos. The doctors didn't find anything else wrong with me (of course, they never do), except for EGD. Which we've known about for a while, and thought be had it under control. Guess not. They sent me home with yet another medication to try. As if i'm a helpless animal that they test anything on. The pain is overwhelming most of the time. I sometimes get relief, but mostly just pain. No one belives the pain i go through.

[insert best friend's name]�is semi-supportive of me. But latly i've been doing alot of thinking...The week i was in the hospital i called her to tell her and she said 'sorry..' and then spoke of nothing but herself, and her crushes, her friends, her great life. It made me sick. It's not that i want her to be 'omfg. blah blah blah are you okay?!?!?!? blah blah blah omg!' I just wanted her to agknowledge me in some way. Say 'i hope you get better' or 'i wish you luck'. That exact thing happened with [insert friend's name].

And they are all i have. And i just lost them. Sure i have [insert a buddy's name], kinda, she's to caught up in 'Audrey' or 'Aubrey' or...something... She talks about her so offen i try to block her words out. So. i'm down to...... well.....Me.

I know people say 'im so alone! i have no one!' and they have like 2 billions friends waiting on AIM to talk to them.�But, in this case I don't have anyone. I havn't 'hung out' with someone in...like....3 and a half weeks. I know that doesn't sound like much but, when you're in pain constantly, being with people you loves gives a little band-aid to me. I hate talking about this. I don't understand why i even think about this sort of thing.

My sister and mom persuaded me into reading 'Twilight'. And that was probly the best thing at could happen to me, and the worst.�I'm on page 197 and i've figured out 27% of myself. It's so scary how one book, one movie, one person can change someone so easy. Why i say the worst is that i've been paying attention to myself more and more. And i scare myself sometimes. At times I think i'm just a hair-obsessed teenage girl, at others.... i think i'm more than a teenage girl trying to find friends. I'm something else...but i can't find it. I dig and strugle to figure it out, but i have no luck. My face is burning with red anger. I hate it when i don't know things. That's silly, isn't it? Because i don't know ALOT of things. No one can know everything. I'm aware of that, i just hate it when something is put in front of me and i don't know the answer or the thing it's hiding.

I guess that's life huh?

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kapowkristen's Profile

  • Username: kapowkristen
  • Gender / Age: Female, 30
  • Location: USA - Kansas
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    KAPOWKRISTEN's Interests:

    About Me: this is where i throw up my feelings, and don't clean it up.

    Interests: Art

    Favorite Music: The good kind

    Favorite Movies: i have alot of favorite movies. i couldn't easily pick.

    Favorite Television: Family Guy

    Favorite Books: Twilight New Moon Eclipse Breaking Dawn Impulse Candy