I had a good day today, even though I had a bit of a headache. I am so tired and I feel like I haven't sleep for days. I had an appointment with my Case Manager and I think that went well, but then I find out my doctor retired and that bummed me out. I didn't sleep well last night at all. I am so tired I could climb into bed and go to sleep right this minute and feel like sleeping for 2 weeks. I wish I had some medicine to help me sleep better.I went to Jewelry club and had fun, even though I kind of lost interest in making jewelry for a bit. I gave a bracelet to my friend because she is going to help me out to pay fior a movie tomorrow when we go with Healthy Living. I hope we see a movie that we all like. It's going to be fun I think. I am taking a sack lunch.
I feel like i have so much time on my hands, and i dont know what to do with it.
I read alot. But after i finish the book i wish i had tooken more time reading it.
I play the piano. But i can only play the piano during the day. Grand Pianos have a loud sound. =]
I write sometimes. But i can't get feedback on it because i don't want to put my writing up anywhere. Last time i did that i got all of it stolen.
I play games, like online and stuff. But they all seem to be so easy, and worthless.
I look things up. Learn about things i don't know about. But sometimes i feel like that's pretty worthless as well.
I draw, paint, etc. But i usually throw it away or put it in my basement. Rejection scares me. Alot.
I spend my days getting through them. Waiting for somthing to happen. Waiting to figure the reason i'm here. What duty do i serve?
Talking to other people about these things is a waste of time. When you speak as if you came out of a poetry book, people don't really get the grip on what you're saying.
I want to run away. Not really run away from my parents/friend/family. Just run away from me. What i've become. I want to go someplace where i can just lay and look at the stars without a plane hovering overhead, or so much lights on the streets you can barly tell its twilight. I know running away is not an opition. But it sounds nice.
-if you've read this whole thing, i applaud you.
So, I have been up all night. Again. I really should be going to bed more. I live with the most wonderful man, that I love more than I know how to say. Yet, most nights he goes to bed alone, and I stay up.
I could go to bed now, but I know I'll just disturb his sleep. So I postpone. I'll wait until it's nearly time for his alarm, then I'll go and cuddle him - and then I'll finally fall asleep.
In a way, it's better this way. I know he sleeps better when I'm not tossing and turning and fidgeting next to him. And I sleep when I would otherwise be on my own here. And then we get the evening together. So, it's not all bad. It's probably for the best.
Except, that isn't the reason I don't go to bed with him. I stay up because I'm terrified of going to bed, and trying to sleep in the dark, and having nightmare after nightmare, and lying awake in the dark full of anxiety I can't dispell.
So tired. So very damn tired.
If only being tired was enough to enable me to sleep.
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kapowkristen 18, Female, Kansas, USA - 10 entries
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