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jazziette 54, Female, Arizona, USA - 9 comments

06

Jun 2009
12:45 AM MST

Overcoming Depression

I'm working on it as much as I can but it is difficult. I think some of it has to do with the medication and then there is just the situation as it is.

I should have never gone back to the Yahoo boards. The harassment is never ending. I feel like I have a hole in my heart big enough to drive a truck through. I should never go back but I can't seem to help myself.

I don't feel like writing much today. Last night was so difficult I woke up feeling terrible. Just when I think things are better it seems I have a relapse.

I don't feel like doing anything today. I feel defeated. Robert will be here soon for breakfast and I need to get dressed.

I can tell it's going to be a full moon. I'm so exhausted. I think I will go back to bed and skip breakfast.

Maybe I'll write more later.

1 comment(s) - 02:01 PM - 06/06/2009

lex 30, Female, California, USA - 9 comments

16

Mar 2010
9:45 AM PST

Blah Blah Blah

I have been stressed beyond belief with this new job I guess it comes with wanting to do well right? my body hurts, my shoulders are tense and I haven't eatin much that is only good for the wedding I have to be in shortly but I still hope this only lasts a week or two probably once I start getting more comfortable with everything I will calm down hahaha! Just didn't expect it!

Took the Jeep to Tahoe the other weekend it was amazing!

Mike messeged me on Saturday night asking if I was "outs and abouts" Allison stole my phone away.....good friend! and I never messaged him back I know what he wanted and it wasn't what I want I just have to keep telling myself that over and over again cause man it is just too easy and it's sex everyone wants to get laid! but No! It will all just lead to hurt feelings no matter how freakin cute he is that's for sure. it sucks knowing yourself sometimes I wish I was hopeful and younger that he could change and once he got to know me would then want to pursue me and we could have a deeper connection but that is all bullshit and I know it! You only get them As is! No changing anybody!

AGHHHHHHHHHH!
Lost woo hoo!

1 comment(s) - 11:07 AM - 03/20/2010

Atrio3851 21, Female, Ohio, USA - 8 comments

20

Oct 2006
5:05 AM EDT

well I'm sitting in my computer class, and it so boring, so I thought that i would post. My boyfriends done being an idiot! Homecoming is tommorow, I am so stressed out, I'm tired and run down the last few days have been a rollar coaster and a half. Actually my love goes out to all the people who some people just dont get, and they often feel alone. I hate that so many people dont understnad what bipolar means, or depression, or OCD. And tring to make them understand makes things a lot harder! But thanks all for ur comments, they help me get through the day

1 comment(s) - 09:37 PM - 11/10/2006

bettyboxedin 21, Female, Canada - 8 comments

11

Nov 2006
2:40 AM CST

Well my ex came over yesterday night. it was really great to see him and really nice to actually "hang out" with a person for once. i never get to see people other than school. He was so excited to see me he was talking a mile a minute and didn't shut up until 8;15 when he had to leave. i never got to say one word lol but it was nice to have him come and see me he is the one who saved my life and told the school conciler that i was suicidal and was going to kill myself and that i had a gun to blow my brains out. sometimes i look back and wonder why the hell did i dump him over tell the counciler? i should never react when i am angry. i should learn from that because if i didn't dump him things would be different we would most likely be together still. we both admit we still love each other but i am with Jordy and i love him but he is neglecting me and i don't have the guts to leave him, and then there is Derek. my other ex who thinks there is still hope for he and i after he neglected me and made my paranoia worsen by telling me he sent Clint (my stalker) to kill me. i have wepons hidden alll over my house so i don't think anyone will want to come after me.

1 comment(s) - 12:00 PM - 11/11/2006

bl69 20, Female, Texas, USA - 8 comments

27

Mar 2007
11:41 AM CDT

Day by day it only gets harder and harder after his death. And it has been 8 months almost 9! Its just that if he was here..everything could be so much better. I mean wayyyy better. And he would be here to keep everyone straight and in check because ever since he left everything is going down the drain with my mom and her soberity. Same with my sisters. And well me, I have just been doing bad things..just not like them. I dont't want to say or go into complete detail but yea. What I am saying is there is so many things that happen during the day and it reminds you of him..and I'm pretty sure myranda and my mom agree that its hard to go a day without crying still. And it's supposed to be getting better..but its not. And its gonna be hard when that one year anniversary comes around. So many things have revolved around his death and its pretty much all bad news. Oh heavens.

3 comment(s) - 01:40 PM - 03/28/2007

uns3ttl3d 24, Female, New York, USA - 8 comments

17

Mar 2007
8:34 AM EDT

i dont know what it is with me but i feel alone and scared. my parents are giving me a hard time for not wanting to go to join a gym or something. i havent even been home for 24 hours and theyre already giving me so much shit. i cant tkake it and my head feels like it wants to explode. i spent most of this morning having coffee and cigarettes outsie in the subzero temperature because i wanted to numb myself- literally -from thinking and worrying and now all this thinkin and worrying is getting to me. so i eventually came back and huddled my stuffed animal by the corner of the wall looking at an art book staring at a picture of monterey bay. i felt like i was going to pass out. i havent eaten yet today and i dont really feel like eating anything. im too emotionally stressed out. its just so hard for me to get up and do things and when people force me to just do it i feel like i want to kill myself. i just need help and i need it now. and help isnt coming. i think i should ask my parents for the psychologists number but then again they probably wont give it to me because they, as it has been for the past several years, want me to try other alternatives to helping myself. obviously exercise alone isnt going to get rid of my problems. along with acupuncture. along with herb medicine. along with church. along with books i cant even finish. along with trying new things. going new places. my inner devil will always catch up with me wherever i go and i am simply sick of it. what good has self medication done me so far?? i'm halfway in the process of getting lung cancer, i pushed away all the friends i ever had, i cant wake up in the morning without wanting to scream and cry. i've become so self centered that i cant even help those around me who need it (my brother who is now gone), i quit school because i couldnt think straight or function, i have dug myself so deep down this hole and i cant get myself to let alone even stand up or try to get a shovel to dig myself out just with exercise. why are they so blind? why dont they understand me? they dont. not to the least bit. and i am alone. alone in this world. alone in my thoughts. the mind can be a lonely place. i can feel the sting in my eyes because if i dont sit down and write/type it out i cant think in cohesive phrases. i will just get lot and frustrated even more than i already am and its just hell all over again. i cant take it. i cant take it. i cant take it. my head feels like it wants to explode. i am drowning in a pool of hopelessness and nobody around me knows how to swim. they all just sit on the sidelines and see me frolic and flail just as i have for the past 6 years and do absolutely nothing about it. some try, and they end up giving up because i am hopeless. i cant even stand up most of the time, how can thye expect me to walk? or let alone even run? the world i live in is a fast faced pace and everything is a fucking race. a fucking marathon. and i am a cripple (im speaking metaphorically but you get my point...or do you???) i am just tripping and falling and i cant get up. i need help. and my parents aren't a nurturing environment for the problems that i have. i dont even understand most of why i am the way i am. maybe i should just shut up and deal and get by day to day without thinking. thats what i did for the first half of last semester. but the inner devil caught up with me. it made me do stupid things. it made my suppressed bad thoughts 10 million times louder and now i can't tell whats real and whats not. i mean this emotionally and mentally. i can still decipher the real world, im not crazy just yet, but i get so lost in my own thoughts and i cant run away from me because i will always catch up. maybe im just insecure. maybe im just a loser. mayube im just a failure. maybe i dont deserve anything in this world. maybe i should just shut up. but i cant. the only way i can get myself to shut up is if i kill myself but that would be a last resort. i am so stupid. nothing in my life ive done is worth honoring. ive made some terrible mistakes and i never cease to embarass myself when i try to fit in or open up to others. i am thoroughly ashamed of my existence. and i am not worthy of being worried about by others...which i am not.. only my parents care about me and they dont know how to help me. i dont really have any real friends. only the people that i left behind in my old hometown and back at college that i cease to keep contact with anymore. why? because there is nothing to talk about. i am a boring person. i cease to bring forth anything to the table. i wish to change myself but i somehow cant because i lack the will and incentive. perhaps i do ahve incentive but i dont know who i am anymore if i ever did in the first place and lots of what i say or think or do repeats itself and gets worse every time i do it. god. i cant take it. i just want to be happy and have a normal worry free life. i know this isnt achieveable because life istn easy and i am too weak to do anything right...or do anything at all. so i will just sit here and rant on the computer to no one but myself and it really isnt doing much.

1 comment(s) - 04:52 PM - 05/10/2008

BellaLuz17 21, Female, Florida, USA - 8 comments

21

Jun 2009
11:08 AM EDT

Makes you wonder

Have you ever been verbally slaughtered because of your beliefs? Do you feel like the whole world is collapsing on top of you? How about feeling like no one understands the situation you're in?

Believing in God is difficult especially in the times we are currently living. Sometimes, I feel like the whole world is against me because of that. But I have to remember that I'm never alone. And also, that life isn't a sprint, so I can take my time because the God I believe in is patient, merciful, and loving. And that He will always be waiting for you, even when you turn away from Him. He will never reject you, no matter how many bad things you've done. He DOESN'T need you, yet He cares for you more deeply than you'll ever understand. He's the only one that can fill the emptiness in your heart, and can give you hope in the midst of your worst storm. He can show you so much more than what you can see or understand at the moment. He is simply wonderful. =)

1 comment(s) - 08:02 PM - 06/21/2009

cupcake5999 9, Female, Canada - 8 comments

27

Mar 2010
2:14 PM EDT

Kelly is coming over today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tags: right, yay 4 u!

2 comment(s) - 02:50 PM - 04/06/2010

bitter_me 29, Female, Philippines - 8 comments

23

Jan 2011
7:07 PM PHT

problem child for me but she's not

this past few days dealing with my only daughter really gets me mad. i easily get irratated. i do love her but i just can't stand it anymore. i easily give her a spank when she do mistakes. i am a bad temperd mom. what shall i do?

8 comment(s) - 10:53 PM - 01/28/2011

jleigh09 25, Female, United Kingdom - 7 comments

23

Oct 2006
11:21 PM WEDT

not alot going on at the mo have brought a few xmas present just lil bits. Have been at stevens a couple of nights which was good love being with him i love knowing i have someone to go to bed with and wake up 2 in the morning. i love him so much just wish he saw me and tyler a bit more. we went to town today and brought a few presents etc. had a laugh the last couple of days over stupid things but it was funny. we just enojoyed it and made the most of it. i just feel good with steven i am myself u know i restrict myself around other people. with steven i am just me in everyway.

1 comment(s) - 10:21 PM - 10/23/2006

Jane 44, Female, Florida, USA - 7 comments

13

Dec 2006
1:42 PM EDT

December 12, 2006 Another beautiful day in Mooresville. It was sunny and the temp was about 65. Just about everywhere you drive around here you can see Lake Norman. It such a shame that the weather is so beautiful and I’m at the lake and I have not meet someone with a boat -yet. After I secure I job I will have to work on the boat thing!!! But the weather is still great for cruising in the MUSTANG. Not much new on the job front – today was not terrible productive. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for better luck tomorrow.

mr1olympia 23, Male, California, USA - 7 comments

19

Jan 2007
2:41 PM EDT

ONCE AGAIN LOVE DOES NOT EXSIST......GET BIG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2 comment(s) - 01:24 AM - 07/14/2007

Ashli 20, Female, California, USA - 7 comments

18

Mar 2007
2:09 PM EDT

so im sick and my throat hurts and i want to rip out my throat...lol...oh my sixteenth birthday is coming up in 6 monthes and i like to plan ahead and so im planning my bday and it is going to be so much fun and it is going to a luau theme... :) lol fun ok ttyl

1 comment(s) - 08:20 PM - 03/22/2007

greg 20, Male, California, USA - 7 comments

19

Jan 2007
2:40 AM PDT

I HAVE A FRIEND NAMED SABRINA AND SHE IS PRETTY COOL....BUT I WONDER IF SHES MY FRIEND 2? HAHAHA

3 comment(s) - 12:44 PM - 01/19/2007

x3VanDyke 20, Female, Pennsylvania, USA - 7 comments

28

Mar 2007
2:01 PM EDT

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SOOO PISSED LAST NIGHT BRADLEE BROKE UP WITH ME AND HAD MY COUSIN ALYSSA TELL ME SO NEWS FLASH I HAVE SOME BAD SHIT GOIN HIS WAY! AND OMG!!!!!!!!!! I FOUND OUT TODAY HE'S FLIRTING WITH MY COUSIN CANDACE SO CANDACE WILL GET A FUCKIN VISIT FROM ME! ERRRR I HATE PEOPLE! AND SAM MOTHER FUCKING WALTERS THINKS SHE CAN TELL SAM ACKLEY(THE GIRL) AND DJ(HER NOW EX-BF) THAT SHE DOESN'T KNOW IF SHE WANTS BRADLEE OR DJ BUT SHE TOLD SAM THAT SAM SHOULD ASK BRADLEE OUT AND BRADLEE LIKES CANDACE NOW ERR I HATE LIFE! I HATE THAT I LIKE HIM BECAUSE JUST LIKE CHRIS HE MADE ME FALL FOR HIM! GRR WELL I'M SORRY Y'ALL THAT'S ENOUGH BITCHIN I HAVE TIME FOR TODAY UNTIL NEXT TIME...

BRIT ONCE YOU HAVE READ THIS PLEASE LET ME KNOW! THERE IS ALOT MORE THAT WAS BEHIND TODAY THEN I PUT HERE!

LOVE Y'ALL

DAL

1 comment(s) - 06:43 PM - 03/28/2007

a person no1 understands 20, Female, Arizona, USA - 7 comments

17

Apr 2007
6:15 PM EDT

i hate my life. absolutely no one likes me at school, cuz im "different" and my parents are a bunch of jackasses who dont care about me. i absolutley hate it. i know i have so many options (religion) and i take them all, but nothing seems to be working. i just dont know what to do anymore. i hate my life!! absolutely hate it!! by the time i go to bed im in tears. yeah, i know i have it off a lot better than most people in the world, but that doesn't mean i'm enjoying it. sure i have a lot of fancy stuff, but i dont want it! its useless if you dont have the right morale behind it. usually my parents get me stuff to shut me up. i cant wait till i get out of this hell hole. id gladly trade my world for one of those poeple in africa who really deserve this kind of life (the luxeries, not the people in it). i dont think its fair that i have this "luxurious" life while they're in kenya suffering. i'm not even grateful for my "wonderful" life. i am greatful for the stuff, but not for the people, id trade it all away if i could. if i could just get out of these walls. this prison cell. i hate it. i might as well kill myself, besides, im thinking of going goth, then my parents would kill me for me. ugh! just make all the pain and suffering go away in the world, then work on my problem! UGH!!! i dont know what to do anymore. my parents are making me do all this stuff i dont want to do and they dont care. typical. i wonder why im surprised. JUST MAKE IT GO AWAY!! i absolutely hate this! but i feel guilty feeling bad for myself because there are people way worse than i. AAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! i want to just run away, just run away and keep running. i hate everyone in my life. i have no friends, no loving family, just a whole bunch of stuff i didnt even want. i wonder why im so upset. i guess its because i have no love in my life, just an endless closet with prep clothes, (NOT A PREP!!) toys for todlers that my parents wont let me give away to a family that actually deserves it, and all this other shit that i dont deserve or want. i just want it all to go away, the people, the things,this life, just for it all to suddenly dissapear. I WISH I COULD DRIVE!!! then i go far away from here. so very far away. *sigh* i hate my parents and the people at my school and every one around me. they never did anything for me, yet they expect me to do stuff for them like they were my best friends in the whole wide world. just make it go away. JUST MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY!!!! im sorry i droned on like this, i really shouldnt be feeling sorry for myself like this. its not worth anyones time, just like me.

3 comment(s) - 06:36 AM - 04/25/2007

limbo699 32, Male, New York, USA - 7 comments

10

Sep 2007
5:40 AM EDT

i have gotten some feed back on my writeings and i thank you for them. the prolem is that we have two kids together and that i dont want to loose them or her. just so everyone under stands is that when she cheated we were in the prosese of getting devorced. then we decided to work it out. now thats not reason for it butt we have come a long way since. its just that i cant get past the though of another man being with her.

1 comment(s) - 01:10 AM - 09/12/2007

jesssie 19, Female, Canada - 7 comments

31

Mar 2008
8:27 AM EST

Last one

This is probably going to be the last time i write in this thing..everrrrr. Or i hope.

I realized a couple days ago what people are all about. You cant call people your best friends just because they are there some times. You cant call them best friends if you know they talk about you behind your back. Well, I am done with one of my "best friends" & honestly, this year couldnt have been more dramatic, thanks to her. I love hanging out with her, and I love how I have met so many more people thanks to her, but its time to really move on from that. While her telling me little life lessons can sometimes help me out, it discourages me more than anything else. No one is perfect and I'm sure we both have realized that by now; we were so fixated on perfecting this friendship for so long, but nothings perfect. Friends fight. The only problem with this friendship was that we fought over stupid things. And, I dont mean to be the girl who blames it on everyone else, but 95% of the time, the fight was not my fault. It was all her. She has been a hypocrit throughout the entire friendship. She told me a long time ago she thought I was changing when i started to smoke weed & drink. What do you know, she started drinking every weekend and eventually smoked weed as well.. Tells me i shouldnt keep things from her, but she keeps so much from me. Says I shouldnt talk about her, she talks so much about me. Tells me this and that, blah blah blah to the point where its eventually come to me that the entire friendship was a lie. It never seemed real from the beginning, and to be honest it feels like she only became friends with me because of Alex. And now that i have no ties to alex anymore, she could care less about this friggin friendship. And im happy to say that I could care less too. I also think that while she was telling me to grow up, she was happy she knew all of my passwords to "destroy" my social life.. good one.

Thats basically it. And i dont care what anyone has to say about that

Tags: alcohol, drinking, passwords, weed

1 comment(s) - 01:24 PM - 05/11/2008

satinlady 51, Female, Florida, USA - 7 comments

29

Mar 2011
5:35 PM CDT

" Loving Hands"

Your loving hands that brings so much pleasure,
that were so soft and tender, to have known more
hours than those that died in one night of kindling
wine and faded flowers.
Your loving hands that I have kissed finger by finger,
I left a brcelet on each,made by my lips.
loving hands,mine all one night with such delight.
i will always recall those loving hands,that was mine one
night,But no longer is mine ,but life go on and we forget.

Wrote by: Hilda(AKA satinlady)

1 comment(s) - 11:38 AM - 08/12/2011

NoDeadenz 8, Male, New York, USA - 7 comments

11

Aug 2010
8:21 AM EDT

Omg

First we went to church briefly, then to a gathering his sister hosted it was nice. But his brother kept scrutinizing me not sure why. He staring made me ansy though I started to ask wtf is your problem! .... later that eveining he got drunk and urinated in the closet thinking he was in the restroom. I was mad as hell, I thought to give him the ax immediatley .
He inquired why I say Iam unworthy and when I told him he informed he already knew. He baited me into confirming his suspcions about my my former life. Every has a past I chose not to disclose mine. If I could have have kept it hidden for eternity I would have. He tells me I could talk to him about anything, this is a blatant lie. His face was contorted with anger and hurt, there is some tension btwn us. Were working through it though, this is the first time I didnt run for the damn door literally. Im amazed that he still ove me, he is so wonderful@ times that is lol.

rite now Iam exhausted mentally as well as physically. Iam supposed to do everything and be everyone.
For once Iam going to do me fuck everyone else I cant keep taking care of other people needs and neglecting my own. Im bout to break down I cant take much more of the bullshit. Not sleeping enough, not eating have been late to work a couple time this week. My check disappeared, my house is nasty. Antoinette claimed she was going clean the kitchen, of course she didnt follow through. She was here for a couple days and am glad she left. She's loud ghetto and rude,trouble pursues her. Not sure what is going on over there with jr but it aint my fucking problem I want none of that. Guess she believe giving me twenty dollars was doing something. Dont know what is preventing her from getting a damn job or social service.

2 comment(s) - 10:26 AM - 08/13/2010

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