smb's Journal

 
    
16
Sep 2008
12:48 PM MST
   

33

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!� Another year,� THANK YOU GOD, for this year.� I can't believe I have� lived 3 years longer than my first husband.� He died when he was 30.� Sometimes I miss him so much still, which is wierd becaues I am remarried.�

Cory is gone, out of town working,,, weeks of no husband SUCKS!� So, thankfully I have a great mom, who lives close enough to surprise me.,, She brought me starbucks, flowers and donuts to my at work, and then took us out to supper,,,and even brought a lil' carrot cake to supper.� I love my mommy!�

THANK YOU LORD!

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31
May 2008
3:05 PM MST
   

Bye, Bye house!!!

Got my house sold,,, I closed on Friday May 30th.� I had a garage sale the weekend before that,,,� WOW, all has been crazy.� The buyers had a second inspection on the roof and then guess what,�they found "more mold"� So, we�had to credit them�700.00/�

BUT��we found a really nice brand new house 4 miles outside of Belle so I have been somewhat stressed to get my house sold and have it NOT fall through.� We should be able to move in Monday June 9th.� Very excited about my new house but LOTS of change.�

Looking for a new job but so far, no one seems to want to call me for an interview.

1 comment(s) - 03:04 PM - 06/07/2008
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01
Apr 2008
3:08 PM MST
   

Counseling with Pastor!!!

What a blessing!!! I also called Andrea M. right after I got off the phone with my dad last Friday.� She was great to let me know that I need to set up my guidelines not only for me but really for the boys and then stick by them.� I can change my mind.� They are my kids.�

My meeting with Pastor Bill and Kim was very good.� We discussed the wedding but the best part was being able to vent about my dad and the family situation.� They helped so much.� ONE, was to let me know I am not the one in the wrong.� (that would be the devil working through my dad to make me feel guilty!) and that all I can do is pray and let the love of Jesus shine through me,,, on this dark situation.� I want to show them all the love of Jesus no matter what they have done.� I am not to judge but I do need to be responsible for being safe and keep my boys from getting hurt.

2 comment(s) - 08:26 AM - 04/19/2008
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28
Mar 2008
3:06 PM MST
   

DAD called, NOT GOOD

Friday night:� WELL, long story short,,, my dad called and asked if "she" could come to the wedding and after a long explaination and some fighting and yelling, I held my ground with NO she should NOT come because it would make too many people feel uncomfortable.� So my dad said he would not come to the wedding.� He then called and left me several messages making excuses for "her" and that she has had a hard life and I don't understand!� Well, what I do understand is, I've had a "hard life" but that doesn't mean I need to "be with" my� brother in law and then expect everyone to be a okay with it all!!�� I tried to explain to him that I know she is a good person but that I am not okay with her doing what she is doing and not okay with her coming to the wedding.

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27
Mar 2008
3:06 PM MST
   

Cory's in TX/happy birthday Jay

Thurs.

Been a busy week.� Today's Jay birthday! It was good to talk to him this morning.

Cory�left Easter Sunday and will be gone 14 or more days, depending on travel (plane vs. drive!)

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23
Mar 2008
3:03 PM MST
   

Austin Bday party and EASTER

Sunday night: We got our engagement pictures and family pictures done this weekend.�

Austin's party was fun.�

We had Easter Sunday at Cory's rental, I hid eggs in the house and the boys did a good job of finding them FAST,� Next year i will have to hide some outside and make it harder.

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21
Mar 2008
3:03 PM MST
   

SFish, San and wedding stuff

Friday night, Stacey writes:

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19
Mar 2008
3:01 PM MST
   

Cross FIT 1st night

KICKED MY BUTT,,,

4- 100's

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18
Mar 2008
2:58 PM MST
   

MORE COLORADO!

We left Thurs. and went to SF.� We stayed the night there and then headed out to Denver with Cory to go to his PLifting meet. It was a LONG trip!� We got a late start because we "finished" the invitations and sent them to Kinkos in CHEY. We stopped there around 4:30 to pick them up, ate a Chilis and then went down through denver and finally got to bed in our hotel room around 11pm.� Cory lifted and did Very well.� He won his class but he would have liked to come closer to his personal bests.� He had just been out of town (MT) two weeks before the meet so he didn't get to "finish" training like he needed to� but I was still proud of him!� :) Sat night we went out the SF power lifter buddies in FT Collins and then Sun morning Cory left with another couple from Spearfish to head home and we went to Melissa's.� We stayed Sunday and MOnday nights.� It was a blast and so relaxing (well, until Tues when I started to lose my cool with my boys! I think I was just ready to get home and get back to my reg. routine.)� Melis helped me make �little "give aways" for my wedding,,, they turned out REALLY CUTE!�

Tues. night we stayed with Lori C in CHEY. then after getting oil changed at Toyota (and test�driving 2 SUV's we headed�home, getting home this afternoon.� Only to�stay home ONE DAY!

BOYS went to Awanas and I went to the gym and did my first day of Cross Fit.��

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13
Mar 2008
12:42 PM MST
   

I'm still Alive but MIA lately

Okay,

this is going to be SHORT because I am super busy! I am trying to get wedding plans done and the invitations are giving me fits,,, finally got a nice one done on PrintShop and now it won't print and so I took it down town to the print shop and they can't even get it to print either!

So here's the lowdown, wedding date, April, 19th at Kampkinship above Deadwood SD and reception at the Deadwood VFW. ohhhh This is going to be crazy between now and then because I am crazy busy at work, trying to get several school dist. applications doneand SD state teaching certificate competed plus get the house ready to sell. I am really trying to NOT stress but easier said than done... and to top it all off I have some female issue going on!!! My Dr. thinks it is hormones out of wack but am NOT so sure.,.. It's borderline torturous!

OKay, gotta go write an email telling everyone to "save the date" and then get busy on the invitations.

I LOVE CORY and can't wait to be his wife.

PS, we are still not "doing it" We are serious about saving it for when we are married. God wasn't so proud but He is happy that we've decided to finally see things His way. Jesus died for our sins and I am so glad we can make it right with Him!

1 comment(s) - 08:35 AM - 03/16/2008
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02
Mar 2008
2:40 PM MST
   

Fitness instructor!!!

What� a trip!! I went to Colorado Springs with "Lier" Shawnda to go to AAAI certifications.� Friday we did an all day, hands on, got to workout "total body fitness", it was fun but I didnt feel so hot afterwards,,, my body was not ready for that!� Sat was the weight lifting certification.� It was tough but the instructor helped me so I passed.� WOOHOO!� BUT Shawnda lied so much that she made it not a�very fun weekend.� I tried to talk to her about� Jesus but she said she and her husband were bitter about something.� I really sensed they are carrying a lot of baggage and hurt and its so sad because only Jesus can take it away... I was mad at her at first but then I just had to pray for her! Cory came to G and stayed with the boys� here all weekend!� WHAT an awesome man!�

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24
Feb 2008
3:09 PM EDT
   

Scavenger HUNT for my ring

OH, what a sweetie!!! He had a scavenger hunt around SPearfish, all planned for me. Since we didn't get to see eachother Valentines Day (THURS) and we had plans Friday in Rapid (I gotthe spot lasered off my face and we both got massages at Spa MED! :) THe scavenger hunt started this morning (Sat). I took Oakley and Jett stayed with Cory. my first clue sent me to the Coffee shop, where I got a coffee compliments of my sweetie and an envelope which sent me to the gym.After the gymI went to our church and the final destination sent me to "our special" spot, the bench down by the creek at the city park. He and J met us there and that is where I got my valentines present,,, which at first was popcorn and M&M's. That was sweet bcceause it goes to show you he knows my favorite treat! BUT I was still hopeful for my RING! and sure enough, he said, "There's one more thing" I was so happy and excited that I don't really remember exactly what he said, Something like, we've had good times and bad times and and then something else and then he asked me to be his wife, which I said, "of course"

It really was sweet, THe boys were there but didn't seem to care about him proposing because they were more interested in the creek. BUT, it was cool we were all there! I LOVE CORY SO MUCH and I am SUPER HAPPY!

1 comment(s) - 11:53 PM - 03/12/2008
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10
Feb 2008
4:19 PM EDT
   

Da Da Da Du, Da Da Da Du

Cory and I are engaged! well, I don't have the ring on my fingeryetbut we bought our rings Sat! I am sort of hoping that I get my engagement ringfor Valentines Day! WOOHOO! It is so beautiful and HUGE! THANKS TO his ex! OH, so anyway, lots of other stuff going on but I'm too busy right now,,, more later!

THANK YOU GOD for CORY! He's the most wonderful man and I am so happy we are going to be together forever! GOD YOU are AWESOME!

2 comment(s) - 07:07 PM - 02/16/2008
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03
Feb 2008
2:05 PM MST
   

THE wait is OVER!!!

Cory called today and said he's sure that, things are meant to be with us. He said he went to church in Spearfish and felt the Lord speaking to his heart and so he doesn't want to live without us. I wasso happy and so thankful the good Lord didn't make me wait any longer! It was almost like God made me wait until I knew I could wait on Him and then He answered my prayers! What an awesome God we have. Anyway, we haven't really decided much as of yet but who knows,,, maybe we will be moving to Spearfish!

AND I shared with him 1st Cor. 6-7 and so we agreed how impowering that would be to wait to have sex again until our wedding night (who knows when that wil be!) he wasn't overjoyed by the idea but he agreed. We are starting to think of lots of PLANS!!

I am pretty happy right now,,, it was like all the past pain and trauma I put myself through wasn't worth it. BUT- I DO feel the breakup was needed to get my head in the game and be free and clear of Donnie so I can give Cory my whole heart! WOOHOO! So,,, who knows where things go from here! BUT I am excited!

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02
Feb 2008
4:11 PM MST
   

Swim party/Fundraiser

We just had the swimming party/fundraiser tonight! It was fun. Jett invited everyone he knew so there was a mix of Jett's friends. I think there were about 30 people in the water. We really had a good time. It was neat to see several dads in the water with their kids!Jett and Oakley'sdaycare provider came with a couple kids and her and her husband gave very generously! I know of two more donations I am waiting on and then I think we will be able to give the Strong family about $500.00!We arevery blessed by the giving of such a small group! THANK YOU GOD FOR PROVIDING and ALLOWING ME TO DO THIS FOR YOU GOD!
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02
Feb 2008
11:02 AM MST
   

WAITING...

So, here it is Sat. I've been sssooo sad the past few days, just knowing I gave my heart to Cory and he isn't sure if he wants it! I do want to make it work with him. Thurs. night I shared with him in more detail, how much I love and appreacite him and want him forever! I just layed it out on the line and let him know how I really feel! I told him I DO want to remarry someday because I know that is what is right in God's eye and I want to be pleasing to God in all things! I also shared I do really think I would have another baby! If everything was right~! Again, I reminded him my heart was so hurt about this. I just can't understand why he is "playing this game" with my heart. He seemed to want me for over a year and now when I finally get my act together and say I will be commited to him (even in marriage) he freaks!!! and backs away~ I really have been pathetically SAD, BUMMED and a little DEPRESSED! BUT- after talking to a few friends (and Thank YOU GOD for my friends! I LOVE EM) and re-reading some Dr. Phil (I don't need to be desperate!) I have been calmer! So, then,,, when I was calmed down I was able to think about God instead myself! I was led to go searching for the Word that would get me through this! Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is Close to the brokenhearted!" SO, this tells me GOD is near to me and I need to be Listening to Him instead of focusing on myself! AND this is the best! This verse literally popped out at me! I read it over and over, Psalm 27:14 "Waitfor the Lord, Be strong and take heart, waitfor the Lord!"Then I was led to pray! I whole heartedly, closed my eyes, held my hands up and prayed that he would give me strengh to be patient and wait onHIM to decide my fate with Cory. I realized, itisn't my choice. IF Cory isNOT the one the Lord has picked for me thenHe will let me know in dew time. I need to wait on theLord!Isn't God so amazing, he is teaching me something right now!! As I wait,,,, He's teaching me that ICAN WAIT! and I can only grow through this situation.
1 comment(s) - 08:11 PM - 02/04/2008
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30
Jan 2008
3:19 PM MST
   

worst day yet...

So, I had a "distracted" day! I started out by having to call Cory because I had forgot a paper at his house which I needed info off of... SO, after I got that straightened out,I told him that I was totally hurt by this all and said that if doesn't want me then we are over! I'm not going to play his game. He said he didn't know what to say because I caught him off gaurd. SO, then I thought about that and I had him figured out!!! I texted him: "SO, did i catch you off gaurd because you thought you could play with my heart and I'd still be here waiting? Damn Cory. I love you and want you, but you are losing me!" He texted back:Y"eah, maybe a little. Im sorry I am being such a jerk!! I love you too!" THEN after all this before I left the house I spaced out Sadie's haircut and totally missed it! AGH! Im a space when he jerks my heart around. why do I let him!? Don't answer that!

___________________________________________

So pathetic today! My tummy in knots, my mind somewhere else, my heart broken, my dreams crushed, I was totally PATHETIC>> I must say to myself, GROW up, GET OVER IT and GET ON with it! BUT, I didn't want to "get on with it today," I just wanted to mope around and feel sorry for myself. So, I had to pretend at work that nothing was wrong but a few people noticed I wasn't myself. I didnt' say anything about it at work!

I talked to Tom twice. He always enlightens me which is oddbecause he doesn't get any wisdom or words from God, but hey, I'm still workin on that! anyway, he kinda laughed at me, the said sorry for being too hard on me but he pointed out that we are "playing the game!" and that I got just what i wished for... In the past I had wanted to get rid of CN and move on,,, so here I finally got what I wanted he said! I agreed but I explained I was mad that he always wanted me and when I finally decide I want him he backs out! what's up with that!? SO, Tom said, he is just playing the game, he wants to have the upper hand for awhile and "teach me a lesson" and I should just say "to 'ell with 'em" BUT, on the other hand, if I want to play the game (which I don't) I need to play fair and let him "haveME time and decide what he wants, just as I have done several times in the past!" Okay, so with all that being said, I don't want to play the game but I think I better back off and give him time... and see if he comes around.So, that makes me sound desperate and DR. Phil said, I CAN NOT be desprate! DUH!

No one else sees it, and CN won't admit it but I think he is acting and talking like a typical guy who wants desperately to break up, see other girls and get as far away from me as possible but,.... NOT SHOW THAT because he wants to BE THE GOOD GUY and doesn't want to be TOO MEAN!! whatever! I know it would be totally hurtful but I think he should just come out and say that,,,, instead of being chicken shit! He wants his cake and eat it too,,,,Iknow thisbecauseWe talked briefly tonight(he texted me first) and he said, he still wants to chat, text and for me to call if I want or need to because he cares about me and still wants to be friends! I told him what Tom had said, and said Idon't want to play the game but I will give him his time as he has given me in the past! I also said, I hope it isn't too late when he decides. BUT, if I am right and he really doesn't have any intention of getting back together with me then what do I need to wait around for?so he can finishoff my broken heart! OH, boy, am I a mess, I reallyneed to just let him go, but I never thought he would do this to me. I thought when I was ready, we'd be getting married!!!! BUT, come to find out,"MR,I'm ready for commitment"REALLY ISN'T!OH and thanks for the NO SEX COMMENT! GOOD IDEA GOD!

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30
Jan 2008
2:41 PM MST
   

I'm Pathetic!

So, I called him after I read this email! He wasn't very sweet to me. He brought up OLD stuff (moe) and didn't seem to want to work anything out. He pretty much clarified for me that we are "BROKE UP" and he just doesn't know what he wants, but right now it isn't me! I was VERY HURT... the most hurt because I had laid my heart out there on the line and BAM, he stomped on it!

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29
Jan 2008
3:17 PM MST
   

HIS EMAIL (Tues.)

I have been thinking about us all day and feeling really bad about how i am making you feel, plus not treating you the way you deserve! I was just thinking about "why" i am doing this. Something i thought of was; i have this somewhat picture or idea in my head how i see things in my life and being the OCD or detailed person i am, it freeks me out if things get just a "little" out of whack. And i UNINTENTIONALLY hurt ones i love and love me along the way. I start thinking of ways or things i can do to get life back into my comfort zone? Am i making any sense or am i just confusing you more and upsetting you? Baby i am really sorry if i am, i am trying to find myself and what the hell happened all of a sudden? I am sooo proud of you for admitting your faults and taking charge of them! I on the other hand am still trying to find the best way to deal with mine, not that i haven't tried!! Now i feel like i'm not worthy of you! You have done nothing wrong and truly are good to me! So why you may ask am i unsure???I do not have all the answers and i ask myself what do i want? You deserve goodness,honesty and love. I promise you if this works out you will have all of that!!I ask of you to hang in there with me a little longer and i will find myself and where i am headed. In the meantime keep me informed as to how things are going and if you need anything...i am still here for you!! I love you no matter what!!! You have been the first to really touch my heart in a long time....that is awesome!!
All my love,
Cory

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29
Jan 2008
3:16 PM MST
   

So now he's confused,,,,

OKAY, So, where did the roles reverse? NOW, I think I know what I want and he doesn't! what's up with that!? I am so confused. I think he is trying to "teach me a lesson" or "make me pay" or just let me down lightly! WHO KNOWS, but I am totally hurt (again). I think this might be detremental to our relationship... I don't know how many times we can be left hanging and NOT get together for good. I thought all I wrote in that email was good,,, I come across as someone who know what they want, confident, laid back and getting ready to give "ALL my love" to him. and now, BOOM, WE are officially "broke up" and he doesn't know what he wants! WOW, what a blow, from a guy who's always been there, WANTING ME and never willing to give me up and now he says we are NOT Dating and he's confussed! Well, shit, so am I

MEN, I guess I need to play hard to get again,,, he likes the chase,,, I can't keep the chase going if we get married, HAHA! OH, well, guess DR. Phil and I need another date,,, so he can remind me I don't need NO DAMN man!

Here's his email he just sent me,,,, (Good night- Help me God, to feel some sanity. God, you are all I need! right?)

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smb's Profile

  • Username: smb
  • Gender / Age: Female, 44
  • Location: USA - Wyoming
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