smb's Journal

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!  Another year,  THANK YOU GOD, for this year.  I can't believe I have  lived 3 years longer than my first husband.  He died when he was 30.  Sometimes I miss him so much still, which is wierd becaues I am remarried. 

Cory is gone, out of town working,,, weeks of no husband SUCKS!  So, thankfully I have a great mom, who lives close enough to surprise me.,, She brought me starbucks, flowers and donuts to my at work, and then took us out to supper,,,and even brought a lil' carrot cake to supper.  I love my mommy! 

THANK YOU LORD!

What a blessing!!! I also called Andrea M. right after I got off the phone with my dad last Friday.  She was great to let me know that I need to set up my guidelines not only for me but really for the boys and then stick by them.  I can change my mind.  They are my kids. 

My meeting with Pastor Bill and Kim was very good.  We discussed the wedding but the best part was being able to vent about my dad and the family situation.  They helped so much.  ONE, was to let me know I am not the one in the wrong.  (that would be the devil working through my dad to make me feel guilty!) and that all I can do is pray and let the love of Jesus shine through me,,, on this dark situation.  I want to show them all the love of Jesus no matter what they have done.  I am not to judge but I do need to be responsible for being safe and keep my boys from getting hurt.

Thurs.

Been a busy week.  Today's Jay birthday! It was good to talk to him this morning.

Cory left Easter Sunday and will be gone 14 or more days, depending on travel (plane vs. drive!)

Friday night, Stacey writes:

We left Thurs. and went to SF.  We stayed the night there and then headed out to Denver with Cory to go to his PLifting meet. It was a LONG trip!  We got a late start because we "finished" the invitations and sent them to Kinkos in CHEY. We stopped there around 4:30 to pick them up, ate a Chilis and then went down through denver and finally got to bed in our hotel room around 11pm.  Cory lifted and did Very well.  He won his class but he would have liked to come closer to his personal bests.  He had just been out of town (MT) two weeks before the meet so he didn't get to "finish" training like he needed to  but I was still proud of him!  :) Sat night we went out the SF power lifter buddies in FT Collins and then Sun morning Cory left with another couple from Spearfish to head home and we went to Melissa's.  We stayed Sunday and MOnday nights.  It was a blast and so relaxing (well, until Tues when I started to lose my cool with my boys! I think I was just ready to get home and get back to my reg. routine.)  Melis helped me make  little "give aways" for my wedding,,, they turned out REALLY CUTE! 

Tues. night we stayed with Lori C in CHEY. then after getting oil changed at Toyota (and test driving 2 SUV's we headed home, getting home this afternoon.  Only to stay home ONE DAY!

BOYS went to Awanas and I went to the gym and did my first day of Cross Fit.  

What  a trip!! I went to Colorado Springs with "Lier" Shawnda to go to AAAI certifications.  Friday we did an all day, hands on, got to workout "total body fitness", it was fun but I didnt feel so hot afterwards,,, my body was not ready for that!  Sat was the weight lifting certification.  It was tough but the instructor helped me so I passed.  WOOHOO!  BUT Shawnda lied so much that she made it not a very fun weekend.  I tried to talk to her about  Jesus but she said she and her husband were bitter about something.  I really sensed they are carrying a lot of baggage and hurt and its so sad because only Jesus can take it away... I was mad at her at first but then I just had to pray for her! Cory came to G and stayed with the boys  here all weekend!  WHAT an awesome man! 

Cory and I are engaged! well, I don't have the ring on my fingeryetbut we bought our rings Sat! I am sort of hoping that I get my engagement ringfor Valentines Day! WOOHOO! It is so beautiful and HUGE! THANKS TO his ex! OH, so anyway, lots of other stuff going on but I'm too busy right now,,, more later!

THANK YOU GOD for CORY! He's the most wonderful man and I am so happy we are going to be together forever! GOD YOU are AWESOME!

So, I had a "distracted" day! I started out by having to call Cory because I had forgot a paper at his house which I needed info off of... SO, after I got that straightened out,I told him that I was totally hurt by this all and said that if doesn't want me then we are over! I'm not going to play his game. He said he didn't know what to say because I caught him off gaurd. SO, then I thought about that and I had him figured out!!! I texted him: "SO, did i catch you off gaurd because you thought you could play with my heart and I'd still be here waiting? Damn Cory. I love you and want you, but you are losing me!" He texted back:Y"eah, maybe a little. Im sorry I am being such a jerk!! I love you too!" THEN after all this before I left the house I spaced out Sadie's haircut and totally missed it! AGH! Im a space when he jerks my heart around. why do I let him!? Don't answer that!

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So pathetic today! My tummy in knots, my mind somewhere else, my heart broken, my dreams crushed, I was totally PATHETIC>> I must say to myself, GROW up, GET OVER IT and GET ON with it! BUT, I didn't want to "get on with it today," I just wanted to mope around and feel sorry for myself. So, I had to pretend at work that nothing was wrong but a few people noticed I wasn't myself. I didnt' say anything about it at work!

I talked to Tom twice. He always enlightens me which is oddbecause he doesn't get any wisdom or words from God, but hey, I'm still workin on that! anyway, he kinda laughed at me, the said sorry for being too hard on me but he pointed out that we are "playing the game!" and that I got just what i wished for... In the past I had wanted to get rid of CN and move on,,, so here I finally got what I wanted he said! I agreed but I explained I was mad that he always wanted me and when I finally decide I want him he backs out! what's up with that!? SO, Tom said, he is just playing the game, he wants to have the upper hand for awhile and "teach me a lesson" and I should just say "to 'ell with 'em" BUT, on the other hand, if I want to play the game (which I don't) I need to play fair and let him "haveME time and decide what he wants, just as I have done several times in the past!" Okay, so with all that being said, I don't want to play the game but I think I better back off and give him time... and see if he comes around.So, that makes me sound desperate and DR. Phil said, I CAN NOT be desprate! DUH!

No one else sees it, and CN won't admit it but I think he is acting and talking like a typical guy who wants desperately to break up, see other girls and get as far away from me as possible but,.... NOT SHOW THAT because he wants to BE THE GOOD GUY and doesn't want to be TOO MEAN!! whatever! I know it would be totally hurtful but I think he should just come out and say that,,,, instead of being chicken shit! He wants his cake and eat it too,,,,Iknow thisbecauseWe talked briefly tonight(he texted me first) and he said, he still wants to chat, text and for me to call if I want or need to because he cares about me and still wants to be friends! I told him what Tom had said, and said Idon't want to play the game but I will give him his time as he has given me in the past! I also said, I hope it isn't too late when he decides. BUT, if I am right and he really doesn't have any intention of getting back together with me then what do I need to wait around for?so he can finishoff my broken heart! OH, boy, am I a mess, I reallyneed to just let him go, but I never thought he would do this to me. I thought when I was ready, we'd be getting married!!!! BUT, come to find out,"MR,I'm ready for commitment"REALLY ISN'T!OH and thanks for the NO SEX COMMENT! GOOD IDEA GOD!