smb's Journal

28

Apr 2007
11:07 AM MST

I am at CN's house waiting for someone to show up for the body shop party! I don't know if anyone will come. I think 1 girl (Tracey) will but that might be it! I hope a few more come to make it worth kicking the boys out of the house. CN took them to the movies! I hope they are being good. I told him to call me if I need to come get one of them!

I have really felt like crap today and yesterday. I started with a sore throat Fri morning and now my throat still hurts and my chest, nose and ears just feel "full" of crap! I've been taking musinex and motrin, GOOD thing I guess, hate to see how I'd feel if I didn't take anything.

Jett has been a so up and down with his emotions. I am afraid I am raising an ED boy! I guess I just know too much! He can be so happy and then when things don't go his way he just has a meltdown! I would say I am doing a much better job of parenting compared to 6-9 months ago! BUT I still "lose it" from time to time, I know I need to be a better LandL parent but man the boys really wear me down! Otto can be so tough too! He is constantly breaking something, making a mess or just plain disobeying me! I REALLY hope they are being good for Cory! LIttle STINKerS!

CN and I discussed him buying a house, I would give him 300.00 a month to contribute and we would "just live in both houses" for the next year or so! I am committed to my job and am not ready to leave Gillette but I also LOVE it here in Spearfish too and I hate CN having to rent! and I hate the house he rents! IT's a shithole! At least if he got a fixer-upper he could put some time and $ into it when he had time as an investment! I'm really impressed that he can do "fixer up things" so effeciently. He is a very neat and tidy guy who would make a "new" house look very nice!

Okay, it's SEVEN and NO ONE is here yet! Imagine that!

oh well, I guess I get drunk on strawberry daquaris and go to bed!

I'm going to write CN and love note to let him know how much I appreciate him! He is a wonderful guy.

26

Apr 2007
1:10 PM MST

It's been so long since I've wrote, I forgot my user name for a few tries.

THings have been good, but busy! I feel good, I'm for the most part happy! CN and I"ve been getting along very well. I miss him when he's gone and so do the boys. He seems to miss us to and we are together as much as possible. He's spend every weekend with us since he got back from Mexico. We went to Chey and Ft collins together over Easter, that was pretty good.

THe boys are are doing well, They are in Gymnastics Mon and Wed nights. They've startedriding their bikes and doing well! I am still working out but have been trying hard to lose about 10lbs for swimsuit season~! MY legs/butt are bigger thanI'dlike them to be~! I have really been working hard but have only lost 3 lbs in 2 weeks~ I have almost totally cut out chocolate! OH that has been hard.

I am going to keep my job at RH next year, am lookin forward to only having the older kids. I will start my Master's June 25th~! WOOHOO!

We are going to get the camper the second weekend in May I am excited to get it home and get it loaded up and set up and get out to Keyhole! I hope CN can go with us some but I know he will be busy with Fire season. We are going to Spearfish this weekend and I am hosting a body shop party for CN's friend's wives. I hope it goes well.

THANK YOU GOD for Cory! I love him!

23

Mar 2007
1:57 PM MST

HERE's what CN wrote to me tonight from Mexico:

hey baby how are you? This is an amazing journey i am on, and the guys are all wonderful! We do something unique at every meal. Along with praying after our meal the host of our meal gives their testimony about how they came to know God, then they pick one of us to speak ours. I did mine last night. it´s really cool and encouraging to hear everyones story. Different times and places in their lives when God came to them. I feel different in a way because i was so much older than the others when it happened to me, but hey that is minor to the big picture! i really miss you guys!!!! I keep thinking if i had never met you i probably wouldn´t have this opportunity. Thank you honey!!!

Actually the work is hard but the day is not that long. They do things just a little different here, as far as working hrs. We don´t get up and eat breakfast until 9, well i´m actually up at 730. By the time we get to the church it´s 10, then we work until 2 or 3 and go have lunch then we are done for the day. We were told to bring flexibility and that is what i have done. it is their way of doing things, it would be and insult if we told them how to do it differently or more productive. it´s kind of hard for me to not try to play a leardership role, but in a way im kinda trying with the younger guys. just because i kinda know how some things should be done and just try to keep them busy and make them all feel important. Everyone is doing great and getting along well, other than a few snorers in the group, i guess i´m one, but not as bad as some!! The people down here are very polite, but i don´t exactly know everything they are saying. Where we ate lunch today was a very small house and they had two little boys. The littlest boy came running up to me when we got there and wanted me to hold him. When we got in the house he grabbed my finger and said, "Kiko" which was their little puppy he wanted to show me, it was really cute!! They are all so happy to see us and blessed to have us in their homes. They are very happy with just the minimums and proud of what they have! We should be blessed to know that God as our shepard will never let us wander and that he will always lead us his sheep to greener pastures!! I love you honey and thank you for being so wonderfull and opening my heart and eyes!! Tell the boys i love em and miss em!! Take care and will talk to ya soon!!

23

Mar 2007
1:46 PM MST

This is what I wrote to friends and family last night!

Cory ison a week long missions trip toOaxaca in the Heart of Mexico. *He almost didn't get to go as he got hisPassport thesame afternoon they had to leave! We prayed aboutit and weren't tooworried. If God wanted him to go He would provide that Passportjust in time, which He did!
Cory wentwith8 other men (3 arehigh schoolers) from our church family.They leftTuesday evening. They drove to Denver, had a night flight to Houston and then got to Oaxaco around 10am Wed morning.I talked to Cory3 times that first night(while they were still in the States) and he said they were all pretty tired from being up all night but all doing well.

Their purpose is to help a group of believers with a building project. Cory called me Wed. night and reported they made it there and were all doing well! He said all of them rode in the back of a pickup from the airport and then got to eat breakfast and see a few sights. It sounds like they were all working on their sunburns by the end of the first day! They started the "real work" today (Thurs). Cory said the Oaxaco people are amazing and he can already tell that he is going to come home so very blessed from this awesome opportunity!

I am so thankful these awesome men from our church got to go! I am praying for them to have a perfect time and for God to use them for His purpose down there in Mexico! I also pray for them to come home refreshed and renewed in their faith! This trip wasn't "just for the Oaxaco people."

21

Mar 2007
1:46 PM MST

CN called me 3 times last night, once after dinner in cheyenne (9pm) once at 1:00am before they boarded in Denver and again at 6am before they boarded in Houston to go to Oaxoco, Mexico. They were all very tired but doing well. He called again tonight and we talked for 6 min. He sounds like he's doing great and just enjoying it. VERY positive. He said all 8 of them rode in the back of a pickup from the airport to a church member's house to eat breakfast. THen they went to see the Largest tree in the world, he said he took some pics! Then they went to the building they will be working on to get the Low down~ He took his shirt off and got sunburned and other than that he is doing great!He said they had spagetti fordinner and are just getting settled in.He sounds a little tired but they were going to go to bed early and be ready to "go to work" tomorrow! I am so proud of him! I keep thinking how he is "living Donnie's dream" DWB wanted to go on a mission trip so bad! He couldn't have done this kind of trip because he wouldn't have been able to do the physcial labor but... anyway, I am praying for all the men to be renewed and refreshed and for them to get ministered to as well as them ministering to the mexican people! Again I am so proud of Cory and am just so excited to get him back to WY to hear all about it! We are really missing him and I just miss not being able to talk to him for hours at night! guess that's why I had time to write in this journal tonight!

20

Mar 2007
1:37 PM MST

WOW, what a day! CN got his passport TODAY on the same day they (Mexico missions team)are leaving!

J had his K screening. It was a new, harder test and so I am not concerned but he scored a 14.5 out of 20. I guess there were only a few that were higher than that. The speech teacher was pleased with her part of the screening and said he is VERY smart! He has great listening comp!

I took both boys to Counceling at 3pm and then my mom picked them up. I took CN out the church and got to "send off" the team at 5pm! I paid 1500.00 for the remainder of CN's and several other people'sbill so when they left the trip was "paid for" That was more than I expected on paying but I was glad to do it!

19

Mar 2007
1:55 PM MST

Coffee Shop's a NO DEAL! I can't take a $22,000 cut in pay to work my butt off! Oh well~ I am now getting very excited for this summer to go camping and just hang out and do whatever I want! WOOHOO! I can't wait for school to get out!~

17

Mar 2007
1:29 PM MST

Today was CN's wrestling match! He only had to wrestle 2 guys and won both, therefore winning his class and a cheesy trophy! He's amazing! Powerlifting, wrestling, MR Stong Man, amazing lover! WOW, I gotta keep telling myself how blessed I am to have found him! The boys thought the wrestling was cool and J really wants to do it~ THen we took the boys to a parking lot and let them ride their bikes. They are getting pretty good but kind of don't know how to brake and steer and petal all at the same time and when they need to. J ran into my car. We got to see my mom! We got a babysitter and CN and I went out to dinner (Roma's in Spearfish). Romantic but very rich food! Too rich for me!~ Had another great weekend. Still CN and I are getting along pretty good. I am sharing more feelings with him and starting to try to "let go"

Even though I still miss Donnie it seems like less and less! Somedays I am starting to get mad at him again! I thought I was over that part of the grief process but I guess not!

10

Mar 2007
1:23 PM MST

Yesterday we went to Sundance to look at a coffee shop for sale. It was so cute and looked like "fun" but I can't see myself actually moving to Sundance and working my butt off for (I'm certain) a huge cut in pay! CN came over and looked at the place with me and my brother. It was fun, THen the boys and I and CN went to Rapid City. We are staying at the Ramkoda with an indoor mini pirate shop theme water park for little kids. We went to dinner at Olive Garden and 1 glass a wine and mommy was "tipsy" The boys were good and we had a great time. We SWAM for 2 hours after dinner,took a snack break back in the room and then another45 min.Heading to bed will swim more tomorrow morning, then go eat at Fudruckers and then go shopping! VICTORIA's Secret here I come! Cn and I are getting along great! I'm happy with him!

25

Feb 2007
11:13 AM MST

2/25/07 Heading home from Sioux Falls, SD from CN's state powerlifting meet. We came over Friday. I left the boys with my mom and then we got in CN's pickup and got to S.F., SD around 530. CN checked in with powerlifter officials and then we went out to dinner with Brent, Tracy, Justen, Courtney and some of Tracy's family. It was an excellent dinner. Then after we got busy in a our motel room we didn't get any sleep because the State Wrestlers were running a muck in the motel, screaming, slamming doors and doing everything possible to make sure no one else in the motel got any sleep.

CN's meet was cool and very exciting. I am so glad I went. He did great. He got all 3 of his squats, his best one was 507lbs, easy! He didn't get a qualifed lift on his bench until the last one at 347lbs.! It was a close one but his prayers were answered! WHHOOOO! On the deadlift he got his first two pretty easy but the judges didn't feel he "locked out" on his last one so his best qualifying lift was 518lbs. He won 1^st place lifter in his age and weight division. J

After the awards ceremony we went to dinner with Courtney and Justen. Then the boys went to the state wrestling meet and Courney (and her baby) and I went to the mall. I got a few pair of pants, some perfume, a sexy shirt for CN and 2 outfits for Melissa's baby!

CN and I had a wild night! We had a few drinks with B & T and then had lots of fun in the motel room, probably one our most intense yet. We took a Tylenol PM and actually slept much better!

The roads out of S F, SD were awful but CN did a great job driving and we just went slow and finally they got much better around Presho. Now, it's Red Lobster time in Rapid for lunch!

I had lots of happy, wonderful feelings for CN. We got along great and I really feel like I'm starting to "let go" and maybe realize that he's GOOD for me! I will never find anyone better and why don't we ,,,,,

18

Feb 2007
2:12 PM MST

I did end up watching Kerry's boys and Ty stayed the night with Jett! They all had fun!

Sat. I was able to get out by myself (Britni babysat): went and tanned, went to Rec worked out! Had an AWESOME workout! I am super sore today (arms and abs). Then I went to a jewlery party and spend 100.00! So much for the money lectures we've been getting at church! AHG! Then we went to Trevor's 3rd birthday party. It was fun but we were all tired when we came home!

Today (Sunday) we went to church and then came home and ate lunch. Then Jay called and talked me into coming to Sundance to go sledding on Dad's property, It was pretty fun! SO, we had CN meet us in Beulah for dinner. YUMMY steak! The boys were pretty good! :) Now we are staying the night in spearfish with CN, who has a BAD headcold! We missed him!

Have monday off for Presidents Day! Gonna hang out with CN and then head home I guess!

16

Feb 2007
7:15 AM MST

We got out of school early today (12:30)�due to the nasty winter weather.� It is so cold, blowing and snowing and SUPER slick roads out of town.� Actually the intown roads aren't that bad!��We went to the movie store and then came�home.� I was going to watch Kerry's boys but�the event they�were going to�got canceled.� I guess we are just hanging out alone this weekend.� I invited�Koda to stay the weekend but I never heard from her.�� Actually I don't know how she is going to get home since the roads are closed to�Rozet.��O�seems to be better after starting the meds.� Poor little stinker. �

CN is heading 2 hours east of rapid to teach class for the weekend.� He might be able to come over Sunday night since we both have monday off.� I think it depends on Koda and the weather.� I miss him but am looking forward to a weekend "alone"� THANKS BE TO GOD for my pickup and how well it handles on the awful roads.� I did good getting into town!

15

Feb 2007
3:10 PM MST

I went to J's Valentines party.� It was all of headstart and so there were LOTS of people and kids.� I helped with the marshmellow lolipop station.� It was okay, nothing super exciting but I went and did my part!�

Took O to the Dr. this afternoon and she said he has an ear infection and gave him antibiotics and steriods for his nasty cough~� I just love him so much and very glad I took him to the Dr!

Jett is having his moments but I of course I LOVE him to death too!

14

Feb 2007
3:07 PM MST

Well, again, its been a long time since I've wrote. Last weekend CN came back from Billings. We had a good weekend. Overall it was fine, just hung out, went to Walmart, watched movies, church and dinner here for San and Jay. Monday is snowed (a lot) and CN had a tough time getting home! We probably should have canceled school but didn't! I guess that's good now, since I don't want to make days up in June! -------------------- --------------------------------- CN and I are getting along great. I would say nothing major exciting right now. We exchanged Valentines gifts last weekend and this weekend he will be gone teaching class in SD so I won't see him! ------------------------------------ I invited Koda for the weekend but don't know yet if she will come stay with us. Im picking S up from BOCES on Mondays and Thursdays to hang with us (Mother's Helper kinda thing) I hope it goes well. I don't need another kid but I think she will be good. ---------------------- -Otto choked so bad at Janes daycare today that she had to tip him over and give him several whacks on his back! VERY SCARY for everyone. She called me at school and let me know, that kinda upset my whole day! ~ I was very worried about him and missed him and it just scared me to think of how beyond words awful that would be if I lost him like that!!!!! DEAR GOD, THANK YOU for sparing my little baby today! Please watch over him and keep him safe! --------------- Well, I am tired and rundown I better get to bed. I hope Otto gets feeling better, he's had a nasty cough and huge red tonsils for a week now! With God all things are possible and we will get through!

04

Feb 2007
2:36 PM MST

Today I was baptized and so was CN! It was amazing, exciting and a little emotional. I was very nervous and excited even the night before! I felt nervous right up until I went up there and then I did fine. I shared why I wanted to be baptized and what the Lord has done in my life. Then I got in a water tank (wasn't too cold because they had a tank heater in it all night) I sat down and Pastor Bill said, "I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spririt" as he dunked me back! It was pretty cool actually.

29

Jan 2007
2:31 PM MST

Okay, I guess CN and I are on again, We went to church in Spearfish with Susie and Doa with CN. It was a nice service and I even cried during one song after thinking of how cool it is that Jesus gave his life for me! The message was about being less selfish and it hit me about how I've treated CN. I don't deserve him and he doesn't deserve how I've been treating him but yet I still can't quite commit and I still wonder if "he's the one". I need to stop fighting it! Here's some exciting news,,,, I am getting babtized Sunday the 4th! getting excited and nervous!

25

Jan 2007
6:36 AM MST

I can't do this with CN anymore. I love him but I don't. and he is so super jealous and I guess he has every right to be because I am not head over heals about him like he is about me. AND- I don't have that commitment for him like he has for me. He is pushing me away with his desperate love! I can't stand it. BUT it also makes me sad to think of losing him. I am going to go to Rapid to see Moe and that is driving CN crazy! He doesn't want me to go or he wants to go with and so needless to say things are very shakey with CN and me. I do want to see MOE but don't want things to be ruined between CN but on the other hand I want to do what I want to do without feeling tied down or guilty. (I have no intentions of a sexual relationship with Moe) I am being very mean to CN right now and just want my cake and eat it too! Poor guy! I think I am going to break up with CN and see if we can go our seperate ways and then maybe get back together when i "grow up" ----------------------------- Mom is going to watch the boys for me this weekend!

19

Jan 2007
7:50 AM MST

What a crazy night last night was. I pretty much told CN that we are seeing other people and that I was going to go to Rapid to see Moe. Then I talked to Moe and he said he cut his finger and had to get stitches and wouldn't be able to make it to Rapid. So now I am (probably really stupid) for lack of anything better to do heading to spearfish to see CN. At least I can try to get some!!!! who knows, maybe when I see him I will have a change of heart and want him back, I know that is what he is hoping for. I do think we need to get some specifics worked out though. I am glad my mom is watching the boys, I need a BREAK!

19

Jan 2007
6:42 AM MST

I had a very vivid dream about Donnie last night (my first): He came walking in the Garage. He looked so different. His hair was long and scruffy and he had some facial hair but I could tell he'd just shaved. He looked like he'd gained a lot of weight, some fat and some muscle. I thought he looked huge! He was acting SO weird! He came strolling in like "hey hows it going?" I freaked out!!! I cried and screamed he couldn't be there that he was dead and I know cause I saw his dead body and we buried him and he was like, "no way wonder how ya did that cause here I am" I kept saying how I must be dreaming,,, and tried to wake myself up and he insisted I wasn't dreaming and that, that was really him. When I asked him where he'd been for almost a year he couldn't really answer me, He acted very distracted and walked out into the back yard through the back garage door, then came back, he was acting like he was looking for something. He didn't even act like he'd missed me at all. I finally got a hug from him and he felt so BIG and scary. I was actually kind of scared of him. He hurt me from squeezing me so tight. WHen I said, "ouch you hurt me" he flexed his big arms, growled at me and said, "Ive been doing steriods." Then for some reason (weird things can happen in dreams)his mom and dad were in my kitchen so I started screaming and crying and pulled his mom into the garage to see him. She freaked out too! While they were hugging I got the boys. They were scared of him too and didn't want anything to do with him. I remember trying to sneak away to call CN but never got a chance. I couldn't believe I had a "boyfriend" and my husband had come back. I also remember feeling like he had changed so much and "walked out on us" and was hiding so much from me that it would never work. For some reason I was glad to see him but I didn't have a feeling that I wanted to be with him again. He really was scary acting. This dream felt so real. I have been thinking of him and this dream all day! I do wish he'd come back but not like that! It was too wierd!

17

Jan 2007
11:50 AM MST

Still SICK!!! My head is stuffed and I feel like crap! I blew my nose every 20 min. all day long and my nose is raw now! I feel awful but some how I still went to work and am keeping my head above watcr. I am somehow keeping up with paperwork at school, barely! :)

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smb's Profile

Username: smb

Gender / Age: Female, 49

Location: USA - Wyoming