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our friend dorthy passed away.It just breaks my faith in the holy spirit,jesus christ,lamb of god his word and god himself. Agin, which has been happening for sevarl years now... and is happening over and over and over all the time. Faith and then no faith.. Peace in my spirit.. and then none.... no answers from the holy spirit. nothing of caLVERY OR HIS SON ALIVE. of calvery regarding my daughter AND WHAT IS HAPPENING BETWEEN HIM AND HER ME AND HER AND THE REST OF US,ABSOULTLY NOTHING IN MY OPIONION, �SHE IS TOTALLY ATHEIST AND HATES ME BLAMING ME FOR EVERYTHING IN HER LIFE AND NO ANSWERS TO ANY PRAYER ABOUT THIS. sHE WHOLE HEARTLY despises and hates me now AND HAS BEEN TURNED TOTALLY AGINST ME AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY., no answers.. from heaven OR EVEN FROM HER OR ANYONE ELSE. on waether my mother is dead or alive... no answer, as to why �MY family �NOW hates and disowns me WHEN THEY DID NOT IN THE PAST. i feel he has given the devil �A EVIL SPIRIT OR SPIRITS, a playground in our �HUMAN spirits, IN OUR hearts ,self ,soul ,and mind. CONDEMING US THROUGH THE BLOOD OF THE LAMB AND HIS LOVE AND HIS WORD BECUSE WHAT IS HAPPENING IS TOTALLY AGINST EVERYTHING HE SAYS IN HIS WORD AND HE FAILD ME MISERABLY BY CONTINUEING TO DO ABSOULTLY NOTHING AT ALL ABOUT IT TURNING HIS ALL KNOWING ALL POWERFUL ALL PRESENT BACKS ON US AND JUST WATCHING LIKE THAT DOES ANY OF US ANY SALVATION AT ALL YEA RIGHT. i AM TOTALLY CONVINCED OF THIS TOTALLY BY WHAT I FEE,HEAR AND SEE FROM HIM AND EVERY OTHER SPIRIT. MEANING HUMAN THAT ARE REALATED TO ME IN MY FORMER FAMILY FAMILY THAT LOVED GOD AND ME THAT I GREW UP WITH, AND SPIRITS OF THE �OTER WORLD AFTER WE DIE.. �I BELIEVE THIS� statement whole hardly AND COULD NEVER BELIEVE ANYTHING ELSE BY WHAT I AM EXPEREINCEING INSIDE ME AND OUT SIDE OF ME NUTS OR WHAT EVER. NON BELIEVERS SAY IM NOTS OTHERS WHO THE HELL CARES WHAT THEY SAY THERE NOT GOING THROUGH THIS IN ME I AM ALONE OBVIOUSLY. and am totalyy convinced of �THIS. so i hurt. in my spirit. the fruits of the spirit are not in �ME AT LALL I CANT EVEN PUT ON A HAPPY FACE ENJOY LIFE OR PLAY PRETEND ANY MORE EVEN THOUGH I HAVE A LOVING HUBAND AND FAMILY HIS MINE BY MARRIAGE ONLY WHILE HE HAS BOTH ME AND HIS FAMILY.. IT HURT S ME TO THE CORE OF MY SPIRIT AND BEING THAT GODS MERCY DOSNT EXIST FOR ME AND MY FAMILY BEFORE MARRIAGE. �or my atheist daughter �WHO IS SO BLIND SHE CANT EVEN PRAY OR HELP HERSELF IN ANYWAY. LIKE DEMONIC POESSION. AND� the family . THEY CANT OR WONT TURN AROUND EITHER AND I CANT EITHER IT EATS ME UP INSIDE THANK YOU JESUS HOLY SPIRT THANKS ALOT I COUNTED ON YOU AND BELIEVED YOU AND DAM IF I WAS MISTAKEN TO TRUST YOU AGIN DAMIT ANYWAY.that has turned there back on me... i pray the word, witness for him obey to the best of my human ability and it has counted for nothing for about 5 yrs or more not caring enough for me and mine to give an answer in a positive good way like he cliamed in the spirit of his holy word shame on me for thrusting shame on me im stupid . pray the spirit of the word and nothing. is i study the word i stay in the word i do everything he has said from his word and still unsanswered being totally hateful he and his word has turned his back on us totally �soemtimes i see his guidence through emails and messages from churches and websites but how do i know anyof his message is for me or mine when no answers to the prayers said for the 2nd or eternal death for grace love mercy and salvition through his spirit of his won words out of his mouth that hasnt happened or coem to pass . im at an all time low i cant fight this battle raging in my spirit anymore while i watch my shild as i sit here knowing that she could die anysecond and life for eternitiy in the damed from gods presence. �this is more then this human can cope with where is the truth in the spirit of gods word the bible why dosnt it come to pass for us?????�

It is important for me to find out who I am and how I have become that person. I know that I have had some major life experiences that went very badly. They have and continue to effect every aspect of my life. I have found that I can not change the past and I can't decide on the future. The only things that I can work on and mold and create is the now. I want to find people that have interests similar to mine and work on these things together. I want to learn to put aside all influences from my past, from the people who have molded me into the person I am, and people around me. I want to figure out how much of the time I spend doing things is wasted time because of habit and influence or time spent on things I have chosen. I want to keep the positive but along with the positive I have had a lot of negative. I want to know how much I have gained from these experiences.so for now, I don't want any influence on my life. I want to be the one making the choices from now on.

How long does one stay where they know they were not ment to be? How long does one go on missing the one who really loved them and protected them? How long does no trust in anyone last?

I've got nothing in this world, neither possesions nor positions. Nobody knows my name, i'm not in the list of fame.

But one thing's for sure, my Father in Heaven knows my name. Having Him as my personal�Savior is more than enough to fill all the emptiness in this world.

Without Him I might have gone astray, I might have wandered and wander in the dark. But through Him I've got restored and I thank the Lord for giving me a chance to see what really lies ahead in this temporary world.�

Im back to having nothing. Nothing that makes me happy, at least. Obviously im still alive, im breathing, i have the basics. But im missing things that i need. I cant say what exactly im missing because i dont even know. I just feel empty, segregated from everyone else. Everyone in�the world seems so diverse to me, but at the same time, so very monotonous. All anybody cares about is the image they're throwing to the world, trying to fit in as best as they can without even once considering�being real, being themselves. There is no more originality anymore (sometimes i wonder if there ever was to begin with) everyone is just borrowing the mind of the one next to them. No one can think for themself. A pepsi is still a fucking pepsi�even if it comes in a coke can. The only image i try portraying to the world is who�I am and what i stand for. I think i've don a good job so far at doing this, but some times i wonder if the world looks at me the same way i look at myself in the mirror, but i doubt it.�I dont know what to do, how to feel, or where to go from here. I believe in fate, i know i have no control over whats going to happen. If something was meant to happen then its going to happen one way or another. I feel like im waiting. Waiting for SOMEthing, but i dont know what. As much as i hate change, somethings have to change. That's just how things work. Fuck my life.

Feeling good day.� Looking forward to the weekend.� Someone left a comment on one of my entries and I would like to say Thank You.

I created some decent public reads.� I will do more than seize today.� Today is a day to love yourself and someone else.

Just when you think no one cares for you, just when you think no one is thinking of you, and just when you think that your presence matters not to anyone....Wait!...you do matter, you do count, you are cared for.�

If you happen upon this read, please know that someone loves you, and even if you don't feel it, so what, love on yourself!

I watched Dr. Phil last night and he had on people who had loved ones who committed suicide.� My mind went back some years.� I remembered how I used to feel.� How depressed and lonely I felt- and embarrassing enough I used to carry thoughts of suicide.� I am so not there anymore.

I love my life and its the only one I will receive, therefore I had better make the most of it.� I want my love ones to know I love them-in good times and bad.� I want my friends to know I love them.� I can't have regrets in my life.� Life is too short to be angry, life is too short to be pissed off.� Life is too short to try and to seek out revenge on those who have wronged me.�

I have to let go of the ideas of putting a size 7 shoe into a size 5 shoe or even a size 9 1/2 into a size 8.� When it does not fit it does not fit.� Yes you can stretch a shoe ..and make it work out but why?� Why

In looking at the Presidential debates and looking at the candidates, there should be something positive for a person who keeps their cool no matter what.

Who wants to be around a person who shoots from the hip and can't keep their anger in check?� Not me...

HAPPY EASTER EVERYBODY LOL! but hey guess what guess what. I got this sweet avenged sevenfold tank top....its only hottness. I got more black nailpolish lol which ive like totally needed. a kick ass belt which i only totally needed and lots and lots of candy which i totally needed. DAD lol. but i talked to john on the phone last night till about one in the morning but it was a little chat that we needed to have rather sooner than later. but wow anyways like HAPPY EASTER PEEPS. BEYES <3

As everyone is geting ready for skool i caint help but dread going back and seeing my crushes and my enamies but as much as dreading that im afraid that when i go back everything will change like my friends my feelings my heart my songs my personality i dont want that i wanna be thee girl i want 2 be and as much and as easy as that sounds some how every year i seem too follow some group insdead of my heart.As much as i wanna GO BACK TO SEE MY FRIENDS� i think going back is gonna hurt me more than anything cuz the guy i like will breaK my heart.

but mabey mabey this year wil be diffrent just mabey

pps

i'm just a girl in love with you..�

there are nights when i cant help but cry
and i wonder why you have to leave me
why did it have to end so soon
when you said that you would never leave me
tell me
where did i go wrong?
what did i do to make you change your mind completely
when i thought
this love would never end
but if this love's not ours to have
i'll let it go
with your goodbye
why did it have to end so soon
when you said that you would never leave me
tell me
where did i go wrong?
what did i do to make you change your mind completely?
when i thought
this love would never end
but if this love's not ours to have
i'll let it go
with your goodbye...�