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Heya.

Okay. SO i lost my magic touch in journaling. kinda.

I don't even feel like journaling that much anymore ... BUT... i need a place to express myself so i don't freak the hell out because i'm not exactly the talking type. at least not anymore. bleh.

HA.

Nope. I'm no the talking type but when somebody gives me a pencil and a piece of paper. I fly. Literally. Angels sing in the backround and words from my heart is being written down. - heh. or typed down actually cuz i stopped diary-ing on paper a while ago-

OH GOD. You know what? I hate it when something you forgot to do suddenly hits you in the back of the head.

Anyways

continued...

I dunno, i hate talking on the phone. It always ends up in awkward silence. There's one exception but you don't need to know about that =P

"OKAY. so like what are you doing this like... weekend like .. yea?"

"I dunno... um.. you?"

"Oh i'm like.. TOTALLY going to the mall this weekend. OMG (literally OH EMM GEE- GOD don't you hate it when people do that?) I TOTALLY have to get like... NEW jeans!"

"Oh. Cool. "

-AWKWARD? yea. definately.

blahbee

I had a really awesome day! I felt great all day, even though my leg was hurting. I went to the mall with my friend's Caitie and Maricia. I had a gift certificate for $50 and it was awesome. I bought some stuff for Caitie and Maricia and it made me feel really good. I really enjoyed buying stuff for my friends. I don't get to do that often and it was awesome! I couldn't really find anything I liked anyway. We went a few different places in the mall and then we went to Carl's Jr and hung out. I got a sandwich and split it with my friend and we shared the fries among the 3 of us. Caitie got a shake and Maricia and I got soda.
�

So I dont know what Im doing.. I mean Ricky is just too good to be true.. I dont deserve someone like him. I know ima be the heartbreaker in the end. I know he will hate me and never talk to me again even though he said he'll love me forever. But thats what all guys say cus they think thats what girls want to hear.. and we do.. But we wanna hear it from someone we love. He says he loves me more than anything.. that im the love of his life... and it makes me happy that i am .. But honestly Id be lying to myself if i said He was the love of my life. The commitments he wants from me are too big.. I dont think i can keep every single promise i made him.. I dont wanna hurt him.. & sometimes i just think to myself why am i saying all this to this guy if i dont mean it.. I love him hes an amazing guy.. He really is but like i said before Im not�IN Love with him.. Hes everything I need but everything I dont think i want.. Should i tell him now..? Cuz im honestly so lost.. Im starting high school next month and I think that things are going to change between us.. he wants to meet up with me but i dont think i can. I dont want him to fall deeper in love with me than he already is.. Hes gonna be the one whose gonna be hurt and i'll be hurt but not as much as hes gonna be.. I feel as if this relationship went a bit too fast.. I want a healthy relationship.. One where i can see him everyday and be comfortable around him & be happy. I dont wanna break up with him.. I really dont.. But if i keep it going Ima end up hurting him soo much and i dont want that.. I dont want him to hate me for not loving him.. I wanna be his best friend. and i think that was what i should have kept it.. not a boyfriend.. I love you so much But i dont think it'd be as much as you love me..

So Mitchel invited me to his ex girlfriends bday party on the 29th.. I like really want to go .. But isnt it weird? Going to a party you werent even invited.. and especially his ex girlfriends..!! I really would love to meet him but then i would love to meet him somewhere thats not his ex gfs party.. like a simple dinner :D Hehe thatd be awsome.. N hes like 5'11 ahh tall men are like awsome ..!! Well yeahh idk if i should go or not..!�! >.<

But Yeah Thats all i wanted to write.. nothing much to write about.. besides today Joes bday :D hehe 23rd i think?? or 22nd? idk lol but yeah happy bday..! :) lets see what we do!!

As everyone is geting ready for skool i caint help but dread going back and seeing my crushes and my enamies but as much as dreading that im afraid that when i go back everything will change like my friends my feelings my heart my songs my personality i dont want that i wanna be thee girl i want 2 be and as much and as easy as that sounds some how every year i seem too follow some group insdead of my heart.As much as i wanna GO BACK TO SEE MY FRIENDS� i think going back is gonna hurt me more than anything cuz the guy i like will breaK my heart.

but mabey mabey this year wil be diffrent just mabey

I havent written in ages, The Reason is cos my laptop has been playing up and hibernating on me!! anyway, My hamsters died, i was really upset about that, im such a tender soul!! And i watched i am ledgend yesterday and i cried when he had to strangle his dog to save her =( i had to take my dog (one of them!!) to the vet,Cos she has a big lump,bump thing on her back paw, but i thought it should be best to check it. it hasnt been irritating her ir anything, but im going on holiday soon for two weeks so i dont want anything to get worse or my other dog to irritate it or her, she is a little troublemaker but i love them soo soo soo much, i cant even explain in words!! anyway, They gave her an antibiotic so it wouldnt hurt or get infected and they tried to get fluids out of it to indentify, and nothing cameout buta little thing of goo, so they put that on a glass plate and sent it back to the lab for testing, so that cost 72 smakers... vet fees are so expensive!!! so is everything else!!! Anyway, The death of michael Jackson hurt me and hit me like two tons of hard marble bricks. I loved him so much and�he was such a kind hearted person.

RIP

xx

�

LolaStar18

�I had a pretty good morning when I�woke up.� I�slept as late as I�could. �I�had a dream that I�had a book overdue and the charges were $3.53.� It bothered me, so I�checked one of my library accounts� and found that I�did have a book overdue, but it was not as much as what I�dreamed about.� It's only $0.80.� I am not happy that it's overdue, but at least I�thought to check before the charges got any higher.

God, I just finished reading Crank. Honestly? It's really good!

-sighs- Summer feels so endless. It's like a being in a warm fuzzy dream that you don't want to get out of.

But.

It's SO boring sometimes.

I want to go back to school.

NO! I don't.

�Going back to school would be:�

1) Another torturous 10 months of using your brain. +grad. i'm actually kinda scared of grad... because well, high school comes after that.

2) Another year of me hiding, being the clueless girl everybody thought and knew me as ever since I stepped into their lives.

3)GOD... early early mornings..Not to mention that cold winters walking to the friggen bus stop when it's -30 out.

4) new wardrobe! YUM.

Okay. don't worry right? One more year. 10 more months.

Maybe... I will grow into someone I want to be. Someone that is hiding. Someone who has the courage to be themself.

Eh.

Other things that are endless =)�

-the clouds hanging over my head. where's the sun?

- my cat's screeches.

love

blahbee

Sunshine pool and a full tummy!! I'm loving it!! good friends and family and an interview for an internship on Wednesday which might prove to be a lucrative option is this whole lay off situation and not to forget getting started with my own business prospects...what if I could really do it? develop something that I not loved doing but with give me flexibility I didn't really like the past three years in a cube and don't really want to do it for the next thirty.....Things are gonna start changing I can feel it but first more vaca in Tahoe with the family and of course miss allison.....

Horoscope today I like it:

Believe In Yourself
Aries Daily Horoscope
You may experience a feeling of insecurity today regarding your work or personal affairs. Maybe you are questioning whether you’ve made the right move in a certain situation, or you are wondering if the path you are on is the best one for you. If you’re feeling a lack of confidence about these issues today, it may be a consequence of listening to other people’s negative opinions on the topic. Rather than focusing on other people’s projections, you might want to take the time to ask yourself what you think. Perhaps you’re perfectly happy with the choices you’ve made and know that you are on the right track. You might consider trusting your gut feeling today on these matters.

The power of our own convictions can alleviate feelings of insecurity and doubt. We are the only ones who know the whole truth about our feelings and motivations in any given scenario, and it is that knowledge that fuels our convictions. When we allow ourselves to listen to and follow our instincts, we tend to do what is right for us regardless of the opinions of those around us. Ultimately, we are the ones who will reap the benefits or experience the joy that results from making our decisions. It is therefore important to listen to our inner guide when we make choices. Believe in your own convictions today, and you will feel more secure about the direction you are taking in life.