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I cant wait till school starts. Im going to see if I can give myself a whole new look. Im sick and tired of the person I am now. I want people to look up to me. And wish they were me.�I want more, better friends, one's that actually care about me! Because right now I cant help but think they secretly dislike me and wish that I would dissapeare. And guess what?

ITS ALL TRUE!!!

I here them all the time. Talking behind my back, How could I�NOT know? I mean really?

So watch out everyone. Im not that sweet and inocent girl everyone loves and knows.

No,�I wont be that girl. The girl who gets pushed around and her heart broken. I�cant do it anymore. I�cant handle it anymore.

I think I may just be ready to come out of my shell once and for all...

No longer will i be walked on, no longer will I hide in the dark as I watch my life fall apart. No longer will I let my life pass me by with out me having a say in what I�want. So here I come, be ready!

Okay.. okay.. i gotta stop freaking out so much when i gain a pound..,.

i checked my bmi online and it says NORMAL. Not overweight... not underweight.. i'm normal.. i just wish i could say that again when i look in the mirror .. or when i eat something loaded with calories.

So... what did I have planned this summer..that i didn't exactly do.

1) i didn't exercise as much as i wanted to...

2) i kept spending money

3)Nope.. no job yet...

okay.

well.. there's always next year. or right now.. since there's still a month left... right? RIGHT???

until next time. .. love

�blahbee

I had a really good day today for most of the day.� I�really enjoy spending time with my new friend Maricia.� She's a good friend and I am blessed to have met her.� God has blessed me so much.�� I�am glad that I�went to the hospital and ended up at Arcadia Mental Health, but� iam also sometimes wishing I�didn't go to the hospital because of the darn bills that I can not pay and do not need the stress of dealing with them right now and I�do not know what to do.

Another day has come &�gone &�you have been on my mind all day! Everyone says I should just let you go but I cant seem to do that. I know in my heart you have moved one�&�may be happier w/o me I just wish I could say the same. If it's not meant to be why wont God take�this pain away. People say date to make you jealous but honestly I have no need or want too. Guys call &�I just push them away. I am still not ready! I love you Mike Boone w/ all my heart &�soul!!!! I am so sorry for all the pain i have caused you. I am so sorry I abadonded you when you needed me most. I only wish you could here these words &�know I mean them. I swear on everything I love I mean them!!!!

Can't believe all the things that my boyfriend and cousin are talking about. It needs to stop. They are talking about my parents supposed sex life. It is so gross and nasty. Anyways that is not why I am writing, I�am writing because I�feel like I�am being pressured to do something and I don't want to do it. Plus people in my family keep telling me to loosen up and I�can't. If I�loosen up then that means I�have to let people in and they can hurt me or use things against me to hurt me. I don't like feeling vulnerable. I�hate this feeling. Plus my boyfriend and my cousin especially like to make fun of me for being so rigid and so to myself. That is just how I�am though. Can I really change? Should I�change?

I had a pretty good day today. I can't make this journal effective and good and worth doing.� I�was feeling a little down today; not sure why.�� I�am also disappointed that the library is closed today because I�wanted to go to the library so badly.

�

So, this weekend I made a little trip to Caddo Lake. Along the lake lies cities of all sizes and shapes. In the midst of them is a little town called Uncertain. Now, I was staying at the state park down the road but I had to venture out to see what was in this town with a curious name.
� Arriving there I came across a flea market where I met a man who makes amazingly beautiful baskets from old lasso ropes. Using nothing but his hands, a wooden board, and a wood burning tool he solders these lassos into amazing works of art. It takes him hours to do but he sells them for unbelievable prices. He said he gets the rope from the locals and that using the old rope is so much better for the strength of the baskets. It has less wax, making the baskets stronger. I watched as he was working on� another basket. He has them in all sizes and shapes. Some even have more than one rope with different colors layered together. If you get out to east Texas, you must stop into the flea market in Uncertain. It is open the first and third weekend of each month.
� My next stop was at the Uncertain General Store & Grill. They open at 11 am every day but Sunday. I like the fact that they keep their Sundays free. I think more people should give themselves just one day off for rest and relaxation. Speaking of rest and relaxation, this is where you check in to get a tour on a paddlewheel boat. The "Swamp Thing" as they call it was custom designed for clean and dependable tours. It is electric push and can go in waters as low as a foot. It has comfortable seating with awnings to keep the rain out and the sun off your shoulders. The owners are Johnny and LaLette Fletcher. These are some of the nicest people I have met in Texas. If you want some southern charm and to feel like you are at home, they will make you feel just that way.
� Their boat carries up to 16 passengers at a time. We were the only two there early so they welcomed us aboard. I thought we would wait til the boat was filled up but Johnny took us right out. He was so excited about giving us the tour and told us all of the stories of the lake and the truth behind the name Uncertain, Texas. He knew where all the animals were living and took us into the backwoods of the lake. He showed us beavers homes and he knew how big they were and how long they had been there. He told us about the various wildlife and wanted us to see one of each species. We learned all about the natural habitat and the plant life. He was proud of the "Swamp Thing" and told us where each part of it had come from and how it was built. I spent the rest of the night telling everyone I met that they must take a tour with him.
�� In the evening we came back to Uncertain to the General Store & Grill for a taste of Caddo Lake. The owner, Kay, is very friendly and welcoming. You can relax at the back of the diner and watch the lake as the sun falls. They serve frog legs, gator, shrimp, and catfish. You can keep it southern and have a chicken fried steak or even a burger. The sweet tea lets you know that you are home. We had ours and took a glass to go. The gumbo and etouffee was mouth watering and enough to fill us past the full mark. Be sure to get a few souvenirs on your way out the door. Something to remind you that you have certainly been to Uncertain.
�� I can not wait to make my next trip to Caddo Lake. I will definitely be stopping in to see Johnny, LaLette, and Kay once again. I am ready for my next paddlewheel boat ride.

Today I got my nose pierced! I thought it was gonna hurt but it didn't! My eyes didn't even water! I am so proud of myself because I am a complete whimp and I went through with it and didn't scream or anything. Now I'm just trying to keep it from getting infected. But, I love it! Some of my friends like it but others are saying I'm stupid for doing. And you know what I tell all the haters? It doesn't matter what anyone thinks, as long as I like it.

Oh, and I got my hair cut, too. It's a little shorter than I'm used to (right above my shoulders) but I like it. Today has been nothing but change; which I think is a good thing because I needed some change in my life.

I have orientation for school tomorrow. I start back Wed. Ugh! I so don't wanna go back. But, oh well. You gotta do what you gotta do, and I gotta go to school.

I was feeling all right today until I ate too many sweets, though I did eat some banana and grapes.

This week something dawned on me that I really hadn't put much thought into. For 3 1/2 years I had to sit back &�know Mike & Mindy where "friends" when my stomach said she had ill intent. When our break up first started he has asked me to remain his friend &�I took all his calls, texts, &�emails to help ease his pain. He is now telling me I am not his girlfriend &�I don’t have the right to just call &�chit chat that hurts me so much. He doesn't realize I made him my EVERYTHING. He wasn't just my b/f but my best friend. Someone I could always turn to &�count on. Now I am so hurt that I don’t even have that. Everyone says walk away &�he will come back but I really don’t see that happening. Will I ever be able to except that act that my family is forever destroyed. I will never have the chance to make this right again!