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I'm sad for a few reasons.

Mandy & Scarlet left on Sunday and I'm missing them sooo much.

I got a call from cousin Michelle to tell me that Aunt Helen has suffered a massive heart attack and needed surgery. She's come through the surgery and will be in hospital for the next 1-2 wks., they're keeping her unconscience for now. They don't know how (or if) she's going to pull through this. I am very conflicted about going out there to see the family - conflicted and sad.

Then the husband decides to argue with me on Monday about something so stupid, so trivial and then during that arguement he took a verbel swipe at me and it felt just like I'd been kicked. The arguement stopped right then but the feeling that I'd been kicked is still hurting. What an idiot he is sometimes!

Maybe today will be better, I'll get used to Mandy being gone, Aunt Helen will improve and "stupid" will not seem so annoying.

I want to talk about Family.� There are not very many people that I'm close to in my family. I AM close to my kids. (My daughter is 19 and my son is 13). I'm not real close to my dad. There's a wall there. My mom passed away when I was almost 12. When I "grew up". Aunts And Uncles didn't keep interest in me, nor my kids. My grandparents are now passed on, they DID keep in contact with me. My friends are more family than my actual family is. Recently, I went to my family reunion. My boyfriend accompanied me. I don't know of anyone who spoke to HIM. They barely spoke to me. Now bear in mind, that I have done nothing to cause a rift in the�family relationship. They just seemed plain stuck-up.� Most of them have moved off, even live in other states, but I can't remember a time when one of them has called said that they were thinking of me.� I'm sure that some of them don't even know the names of my children. Now, I'm thinking, is this not sad? FAMILY!!! What is FAMILY??� I�hope this never happens with me and my neices or nephews. WAIT a MINUTE.� I don't have ANY. I was born an ONLY child. So, I have a granddaughter and she is so cute. She is 15 months. And, I'm NOT married, so I�don't have much of a FAMILY. My dad is divorced from my Step-Mom, but is dating her. Her kids, I don't wish to know. So, there is My Dad, Me, My daughter, Her Husband, their daughter, and my son. My boyfriend. Then there is my good friends Shaunta & David, Stephanie & Tony. They are the ones, who call. They wonder how and what I'm doing. They check up on me. They know my kids. My dad calls. Mostly lectures, but he does call. I call my daughter at least every other day. I make sure she's happy.� I know where my son is. I still tuck him in once in a while. I�never fail to hug him goodnight and before he goes to school. �I LOVE them. That's my FAMILY.

Peace!!!!!!!

My summer has been rather peacful as of late. Not to much has been going on. But I wonder... is this all it will be?

Peacfull; it a word that hold so much meaning to it.. but not everyone has come to terms with it. Yet they all have on different levels.

So I asked myself this question; What am I to do with my life??

im new at this...anyone got an idea on what to do?

I know I stopped this again... but I really need the outlet... at least I can realize that right?

I'm really tired of people and their bullshit... I don't even feel like other people sometimes >_<

Sometimes I�hear a whisper,

And sometimes I see a flicker.

Of what could have been...

Only to see a knew�story begin.

�

I remember the day,

When I held on to everything you would say.

You would hold me in your arms,

And keep me from the worlds harm...

�

You used to wait for me,

And gasp at my beauty...

But those days are long gone,

Your love for me withdrawn..

�

Someday I'll try to understand,

But for know a picture of you sits on my nightstand...

Reminding me of that day,

When you told me everything would be ok...

�

�

unsure where to begin.� so how do we go about this

Just as I suspected I slept in today. Doesn't help that I was up til nearly 4 A.M..� But it's Sunday, so it's okay. Not like I have anything else planned and still I'm on meds that make me a little drowsy. I'm hoping to be rid of this ear infection soon and without any further complications. I've had my right ear drum burst before, not long ago (bout a year and 1/2) �in fact and that was OMG, torture!!!

So, my boyfriend, or significant other went to his Uncle's funeral today. I wasn't sure that he was going, yet I wasn't invited to go. Is that fair? We've been together (Live together) One year and almost 7 months. We attend each others family reunions. So, why not a family members funeral. I know he was running late, but he never indicated that he was going FOR SURE. Til it was time to go out the door. So, it wasn't like I had time to get ready. Kinda bothers me that he didn't even assume that I would like to go for support. Although he didn't seem all beat up about it.� It was his Aunts Husband. I don't think they were close or anything as I never heard him talk about the guy.� That brings me to another subject.

How long does a�couple have to be together before they realize they should be married? Okay, if a guy says he wants to be with you for the rest of your lives, that he's absolutely in love with you, and that he wants to be married and have kids, but he's not asking you to get married? Because he wants to take the time to get to know you? How LONG does it take to get to know someone. Isn't it possible for any one to change once a ring is put on their finger, no matter how much time is spent between them? Why should I waste my time waiting on someone else to decide? I'm not trying to be a complicated woman. And I'm even wondering if "I" want to be married. I thought I did before, well, I DO want to be married, but seems it's been a game of wait and see and I'm getting bored from waiting. Does that make sense?

The neighbors are moving out. I don't know if that's a good thing, or bad. They are noisy as Fuck. Sometimes I wonder if they'll actually come through the walls. And they are related to ex family of mine, that don't help either. So, today, they are loading up the U-haul, they are being a noisy as ever. But then, someone worse could move in. Yesterday, he was backing the Truck up to the door and hit my car. It was on the bumper, and put a small crease in the bumper, not enough damage really, but then he acted like "sorry" was good enough and walked on like it was no big deal. I mean, like he had NO remorse. The most he coulda done was look at the car, but he didn't bother. Some people just don't have any morals.

I guess I'm done with my ranting today. Lol!!!

Peace to Self!!!

I copypasta'd it from another place. It's unedited. I'm sure you'll get over it.

Usually I have so much to say.� Now it seems I am blank. Which is odd since I'm such the talker. Honestly, I'm shy, until I know of whom I'm comfortable with and who to� open up to. I feel that I have opened up to many wrong people in the past, but seems I never learn my lesson. I am so forgiving and trusting. Don't get me wrong, forgiving and trusting people are good things, I�just think I let myself get overrun.

It's funny. At my age, I'm still trying to learn WHO I am. I've seemed to have lost myself some time back.� I'm thinking of, instead of trying to find my OLD self, I should just work on creating a NEW one. Like a do-over. We all want a second try at times. I believe it's time for me to do just that. Maybe I will actually make a discovery. And end up being delighted with myself. Yeah, I know, these are only words. And the fun part, putting them into action. I know things are best done one step at a time. So I'm guessing this is a start.

If anyone happens to read this, and has advise of any kind, feel free to share. I am always open to new ideas.

And now at nearly 3 A.M. Yet again. I shall say - GoodNight!!!