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this is the first one and will probably be the shortest due to the fact that i have started this close to the end of the day.  the husband will be home soon and of course i will have to get off the computer and try to have some kind of civil interaction with him and the kids. 

a little background on me....  i'm a 30 something mom of three girls.  i do have a full time, decent paying job but am home bound right now on short term disability due to having had surgery almost two weeks ago.  i've been stuck in this house.  and recently all our financial troubles came to light to the husband.  things i had been trying to take care of on my own and not having to worry him about.  things that quickly got out of my control and now may cost us our house.  so now he knows my dirty little secret and even though he tries to act like nothings wrong, i know at this point he despises me.  ok.  maybe that's not entirely true.  i think he should despise me.  i'm disgusted by myself.  so pretty much the electric company will be disconnecting our service at any given moment, the landlord will be starting the eviction process probably this weekend.  and our vehicle will be repossessed sometime between now and next week.  i'm not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me.  i realize that i brought this on myself.  i just needed to put down somethings that i obviously can't say to him.  because even though he tries to act like he doesn't hate me i know that at the very least he resents me and i've come to the point where i don't feel comfortable talking to him about anything.  my thoughts and feelings at this point aren't worth a grain of sand.  i put us in this position.  i have been on the phone all day trying to work some things out.  i think i have accomplished a couple of things.  i just feel like such a failure. 

so now i'm almost two weeks out from my surgery.  i had my post op yesterday.  the doctor asked me if i wanted to go back to work.  i almost said yes just for the simple fact that i am so sick of being stuck in this house.  i'm not even alone, a family member of my husband's lives with us.  one i have never gotten along with well.  and who likes to take over the house like it's his and i'm just a squatter.  yes, this is our house and HE lives with US.  he pays rent now and then.  but this is MY house.  not his.  his favorite thing to do is to wait till i go in the living room to watch tv, then come and sit in the living room and talk on his cell phone.  now mind you, our living room tv is a 57 inch tv we were given for christmas and it's the only tv that thas this digital converter on it.  he has a digital converter in his room but he broke his remote so he comes in the living room because of that and the fact that we have that huge obnoxious tv.  i feel like he does the things he does just to irritate me.  my husband says its just because he has no respect for women because he's allowed both his wives and both his daughters to treat his like he's a piece of trash.  and he also believes that everyone owes him.  he alone lost everything he owned and we were gracious enough to take him in after his daughter threw him out for the same things he's doing to me now.  but because he is not my family member, i have no say in the matter.  i have always said i don't want him living here.  but it's never been up to me.  and now unfortunatly we have gotten into the financial situation we are in and we need his money... no matter how or when we get it. 

i think that at this vary moment, my main problem is that i'm sick of being stuck in the house, hungry, and lonely.  i don't really have a whole lot of pain still from my surgery.  there are times it does hurt, if i over do it or what not.  i already take anti-deppressants but i'm starting to wonder if i'm slipping into a depression that my meds won't help.  i've heard that its easy for people who are home bound after a major surgery to fall into a depression.  i was told that it happened to one of my family members though i never saw any signs from them.  i only know what i was told by their spouse.  i just feel like i've screwed everything up AGAIN as usual.  i feel like a failure.  like i've let down my family and my friends.  my friends that have tried to help me get out of my destructive behavior only to get right back to where i was.  right now i feel like taking a few vicodin and a xanax or two and just zoning out the rest of the day.  i've been on the phone with creditors screaming at me, telling me what a useless piece of crap i am.  only to call my husband upset by them and have him tell me that he agrees with them.  this has been a pretty jacked up day.  i have no clue what we will have for dinner.  but i think i'm just going to go to bed.  i know he will take care of them.  i just don't have the energy to deal with anything more today.......

Well i guess its been awhile since ive updated this thing..

Ive learned alot in the past year..

dont get into a relationship with a man who keeps downgrading your wants and needs..

Dont settle.. absolutely no damn settling.

My current relationship is as rocky as mount rushmore.. yet i keep trying and he continues not to try...

he even thinks i dont kno what kinda bullshit hes been up to lately online.. i keep seein this damn craigslist thread for encounters on his screen... for the past 3 weeks and i asked him about it and hes like,.. im laughing at these ppl who are lookin for ppl online.. motherfucker dont play me.. you dont log in that damn often every damn day to look at ppl.. fuck that..

so.. ive been looking for places with and without him..

i have needs wants and desires too.. and right now none of them are being met..

he keeps handing out ultimatums.. ill have one soon.. and it will be final

mesha is moving to the beach this summer.. imma love it.

with or without him.. yes i prefer with.. but i can do bad by my got dammed self.

Im tired of the shit.. the constant his way or the highway..

Ive done it by myself.. and was happy..

im doing it with him and all i am.. is angry.. sad or distraught.

He dosent even seem to care that he just picks little petty ass arguements..

maybe hes just trying to be a dick.. so that i can leave him.. so he wont feel bad..

maybe...

maybe i will..

We went a month and a half without sex..

i havent had any oral since.. he got back from annual training last year!

nevertheless..

i still stay..

when he isnt.. and has not forfilled any part of this relationship in a long time.

Promises of a better tomorrow never to come..

hopes of a future that dosent exist..

imma grow up.. get out.. and get married and have somebodys kids..

at least they will actually want those things with me..

i mean he dosent even want those things..

not even for me.. with me.. nothing..

the only future he can promise me.. and has promised me was him in a casket and me a fat check when its all said and done..

fuck the money.. i can only live once..

in life youhave one shot to give it your all.. and im not going to miss out because he wants to be everyones hero besides mine.

about 2 hours ago my dog was hit by a car, and i feel as if it was all my fault for not paying more attention.. Samson(my chiuahua) is now dead because i wasnt responsible enough to keep him out of the street, as he followed a man who was running.. my boyfriend michael was coming around the corner walking back from work and he got samson to stop and turn and go tword the house.. just then an suv turned the corner and samson was still running, the next thing i knew samson was lying dead in the street.. there was no yelp of pain.. he just lay there lifeless in front of me, blood coming from his fragile little body.. i could have prevented it.. My brother and michael got a shovel and got him out of the road and burried him in the back yard.. my mom went and took hot water to the sterrt to wash away the blood.. all this happened in front of me as i cryed in hysterics as to what had just happend.. that is all i can type right now!~

He honestly told me he  that he was at first  attracted to the fake myspace girl's looks but fell in love with ME simply because of my personality... thankfully he forgave me.

My realtionship with Eddy for 19 months was nothing but emotional, we have never met  physically he doesnt even have a picture of what i look like. This took a toll on him and he broke it off.

I refused to accept that...i actually stalked him!!! Calling him 5 times a day he never botherd to pick up my calls so that infuriated me even more. I recall calling his house phone once he picked up and quickly changed his accent and said "this is Eddy's dad Sorry he isnt home" The same thing kept happening whenever anyone picked up the phone....they always claimed he was out

Two weeks later he called we talked and out of nowhere he gave me a kiss. Turns out that was a one night stand!!  a friend of his texted me saying Eddy was confused when he came back to me.......like before i kept on fighting for our love to come back. The response not what i had excpected

i think its kind of crazy when you give your all into something  and it still don't come out right. its just like baking a cake you follow all the directions and still don't come out right. so i guess you can say relationships and baking are some what alike but i find it kind of crazy and a little unfair when somebody give there all to try to be with someone and try to love them but after awhile they don't love you back. but how come when most people do very little to be with someone and do them wrong but still end up with them. its not fair the one's that want to do right and doing right always be the one that get hurt in the end but the one that always mess up still get that person but don't treat them right and tat person is so blind that they don't see what's real and what's not. i wish i knew the answer to this.

So summer vacations started. At first they were good. I was going out very often. Hanging out here and there with friends. But now, about 10 days later, or maybe less, everything is going downhill. So fast ! I've been staying home lately, and very bored. But I guess I should talk about "today" (I mean, it is about 1:18 AM right now). I woke up hoping that something would happen today. Hoping to go out and finally fix my hair and wear make-up after about 3 days of not going out (and yes, I've been showering). Well, I cleaned my room and watched the movie "Babel" with my mom and dad. I shed a few tears because of the story, but I found it interesting. And ofcourse, a wide smile would appear on my face as I watched the scenes in Japan. Afterwards, I ate and tried to download a Japanese drama I am currently watching: "Nobuta wo Produce". My computer was too slow, I was disappointed, so I stopped trying to download it. What I did for the rest of the day ? Stay online some more, play video games, text, eat, and play an old gameboy game. So boring ! My "best friend" called me and asked me to hang out. Better than doing nothing... so I asked my mom to let me go. She didn't let me and she started talking about how late I always come home and how my dad never complains to me about it because he knows I have a bad temper. So we got into an arguement about how I never ask for anything from them. When I was in school, I never asked to go out unless it was the weekends. Sometimes I wouldn't go out for weeks, actually. Ah~ ! So I stayed home. I finished downloading Episode 6 of "Nobuta wo Produce" and for some reason that show always makes my eyes tear up. I love that show. I learn so much from it yet it's impossible to try and accomplish happiness like it teaches me. Then I realize that not everything can be like a Japanese drama. Guys herearen't that good looking and people aren't all that respectful, etc. I just want a job so badly so that I can get out. Being home isn't nice and all I do is sit here and gain weight =/ When I want to go out early my parents say "It's too hot outside !" When the sun is going down "It's too late ! Why do you always go out so late !?" It's frustrating. Then they say "Be active ! The day is so nice ! Do something !" when I stay home too much. Bleh~ I hate venting, but with things such as these happening, who wouldn't ?