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    Sissy7  22, Female, Minnesota, USA - 2 entries
09
Oct 2011
8:05 PM EDT
   

Have you ever sat on the side?

Have you ever forced yourself to smile, while tears trembled behind your eyes? Have you ever laughed, while you throat wanted to curddle a shrill? Have you ever stood tall, while you want to be on the floor curled in a ball of hurt? Have you ever said "love", while you felt hate? Have you ever tried to be yourself, while others try to form you? Have you found the answers? We want to please. We want to hide. We want to be brave. We want to change our feelings. We want to fit. What if I don't please you? What if I want to be seen? What if I am fine with being scared? What if I can't change my thoughts? What if I want to be me? The other day I sat along side the bleachers of my high schools homecoming dance and watched the boy I was going to ask, dance with a girl whom has repeatedly interferred with my relationships. As sitting with tears and a combination of black mascara trickling down my cheeks I realise that I don't need anybody. I am fine sitting alone with my thoughts. Not that they are nice to me, but this way I don't have to worry about anyone hurting me other than myself.
2 comment(s) - 03:18 PM - 02/27/2012
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Current Tags: boys, dance, depressed, quotes, sad, sitting alone, teen, watching

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    Racquelc6  40, Female, New York, USA - 28 entries
17
Mar 2011
8:48 AM CDT
   

When will it end?

I'm totally bummed. I thought that yesterday evening I had finally gotten my period. But I was deceived. This morning I woke up and it was back to the brown minimal spotting. I want to get my period already! I want to be able to try again! Why can't this spotting just stop and I get my real period already?!
I had the D&C over four weeks ago on Feb 15. It should have stopped by now. It was on Feb 7th that I found out the baby had stopped growing. ENOUGH WITH THE SADNESS!!!!! I want to move on already. Until I can move on I feel like I have something hanging over my head. I don't want to�perseverate on the loss. I want something to look forward to!!!!
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Current Tags: Miscairrage, Sad, TMI

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    iwannabethin98  21, Female, Louisiana, USA - First entry!
28
Feb 2011
7:53 PM MST
   

Day 01.

120.
Thats how much I weighed today, hopefully i keep up the pound a day weight loss, mabey even more.� I Want to be 99 pounds by Vacation, which is in 53 Days.� My stomach keeps growling but I remind myself that if i eat ill be fat.� And there is no person who likes fat people.� I Hate The Way I Look.� Im so ugly.� Not to mention how fat I am.� Most Likey over weight.� I look in the mirror and im instantly disguested.� I wonder if other people think that.� Who am I kidding. They do.� Ashley Alleman Is mad at me for starving myself.� Idont Care, Shes jealous she doesnt have the will power.� When im skinny everyone will like me! Thats why shes so mad! How Pathetic shes that Jealous! She says im unhealthy just because shes jealous! Whatever!

Supper-
I Eat nothing.
My parents go to taco bell because they think its my fave. fast food place. But theyre wrong.� Thats The Fat me's fave. place.� Ashley Granger thinks i cant not eat.� Ill prove her wrong.� I dont NEED Food. Food wont control Me. I Control me.� And I WILL Be Skinny And Beautiful.
Its 7:37 and im sitting in my room crying.� It Lets out everything built up inside.� And it burns calories. Im Pathetic.
1 comment(s) - 12:14 AM - 03/04/2011
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Current Tags: anorexia, anorexic, hunger, sad, skinny

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    hopelessromantic  30, Female, Philippines - 16 entries
18
Apr 2010
7:54 PM EET
   

ef.u.cee.kay! no :(

Summer,although has been not that much of� a fun,� it's kind of making me feel chill and worry-free though . I feel like I should enjoy it more than I usually do at ordinary times.When I say ordinary, it's when I've not-so boring moments at home, either just surfing the net, watching tv or I'm fast asleep. Well, it has been all good, yet far from being great when I get to remember my THESIS. It's been so long since I have a thought about it.I haven't been worrying much, not until effing� now! :(
IT really scares me. I have wasted a year,and I don't want to waste another one. Argh! I'm so damn hopless.My future is doomed. I'm gonna be stuck in here, spending so much time to beg for the signatures I need, yet I'm not gonna get them soon enough .If this predicament� lasts until� forever (Which Is kind of� possible) then it's also a way for me to say that, I AM EFFING DEAD!!! I'll be forever be such a bummed person, without anything other than frustrations and broken dreams,looking at my friends to reach the top and be happy for them. And me? or there's no me at all. I'll be like a living dead by then. helplessly Starving for success , jeopardize myself with negative thoughts and just pathetically die!

(In a nutshell, I need to have the thesis signed by some people, pass it! then have my clearance signed by the DEAN of our department--- I need the clearance to start� processing� my credentials(TOR,Diploma,etc etc) which I badly need to apply for a job. Yeah! I NEED. If I fail at the first then I fail at everything, hence domino effect! wtf


ending: Me-a-fucking-loser!


FML
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Current Tags: dead, frustrations, negative, sad, sorrows

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    momof3s  44, Female, Texas, USA - 6 entries
01
Oct 2009
12:09 PM CDT
   

journal numero uno

this is the first one and will probably be the shortest due to the fact that i have started this close to the end of the day.� the husband will be home soon and of course i will have to get off the computer and try to have some kind of civil interaction with him and the kids.�

a little background on me....� i'm a 30 something mom of three girls.� i do have a full time, decent paying job but am home bound right now on short term disability due to having had surgery almost two weeks ago.� i've been stuck in this house.� and recently all our financial troubles came to light to the husband.� things i had been trying to take care of on my own and not having to worry him about.� things that quickly got out of my control and now may cost us our house.� so now he knows my dirty little secret and even though he tries to act like nothings wrong, i know at this point he despises me.� ok.� maybe that's not entirely true.� i think he should despise me.� i'm disgusted by myself.� so pretty much the electric�company will be disconnecting our service at any given moment, the landlord will be starting the eviction process probably this weekend.� and our vehicle will be repossessed sometime between now and next week.� i'm not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me.� i realize that i brought this on myself.� i just needed to put down somethings that i obviously can't say to him.� because even though he tries to act like he doesn't hate me i know that at the very least he resents me and i've come to the point where i don't feel comfortable talking to him about anything.� my thoughts and feelings at this point aren't worth a grain of sand.� i put us in this position.� i have been on the phone all day trying to work some things out.� i think i have accomplished a couple of things.� i just feel like such a failure.�

so now i'm almost two weeks out from my surgery.� i had my post op yesterday.� the doctor asked me if i wanted to go back to work.� i almost said yes just for the simple fact that i am so sick of being stuck in this house.� i'm not even alone, a family member of my husband's lives with us.� one i have never gotten along with well.� and who likes to take over the house like it's his and i'm just a squatter.� yes, this is our house and HE lives with US.� he pays rent now and then.� but this is MY�house.� not his.� his favorite thing to do is to wait till i go in the living room to watch tv, then come and sit in the living room and talk on his cell phone.� now mind you, our living room tv is a 57 inch tv we were given for christmas and it's the only tv that thas this digital converter on it.� he has a digital converter in his room but he broke his remote so he comes in the living room because of that and the fact that we have that huge obnoxious tv.� i feel like he does the things he does just to irritate me.� my husband says its just because he has no respect for women because he's allowed both his wives and both his daughters to treat his like he's a piece of trash.� and he also believes that everyone owes him.� he alone lost everything he owned and we were gracious enough to take him in after his daughter threw him out for the same things he's doing to me now.� but because he is not my family member, i have no say in the matter.� i have always said i don't want him living here.� but it's never been up to me.� and now unfortunatly we have gotten into the financial situation we are in and we need his money... no matter how or when we get it.�

i think that at this vary moment, my main problem is that i'm sick of being stuck in the house,�hungry, and lonely.� i don't really have a whole lot of pain still from my surgery.� there are times it does hurt, if i over do it or what not.� i already take anti-deppressants but i'm starting to wonder if i'm slipping into a depression that my meds won't help.� i've heard that its easy for people who are home bound after a major surgery to fall into a depression.� i was told that it happened to one of my family members though i never saw any signs from them.� i only know what i was told by their spouse.� i just feel like i've screwed everything up AGAIN as usual.� i feel like a failure.� like i've let down my family and my friends.� my friends that have tried to help me get out of my destructive behavior only to get right back to where i was.� right now i feel like taking a few vicodin and a xanax or two and just zoning out the rest of the day.� i've been on the phone with creditors screaming at me, telling me what a useless piece of crap i am.� only to call my husband upset by them and have him tell me that he agrees with them.� this has been a pretty jacked up day.� i have no clue what we will have for dinner.� but i think i'm just going to go to bed.� i know he will take care of them.� i just don't have the energy to deal with anything more today.......

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Current Tags: depression, financial problems, life, marital problems, sad

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    ajax88  30, Female, DC, Washington, USA - 23 entries
07
Sep 2009
12:42 PM CST
   

Mission

From one moment
To the Next and thereafter
Wandering About
Since your inception

On my mind�
And spirit
Treading about
Without knowledge
Of how you torment me�

To think of you
As worthy or high
Will bring my downfall
For you not only tread
But fragment and confuse

Hidden across time�
Sands, water, and air
None of which give
You any clue of
My apparition.

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Current Tags: dark, illness, misery, poetry, sad, sorrow, unrequited love

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    NijahThomas14  26, Female, Ohio, USA - 14 entries
08
Apr 2009
3:24 AM EST
   

Traooed Silence

Trapped silence

Soundproof glass is all around me

I’m trapped in a 6 by 8

I sing a song that no one hears because

No one can relate

Only I can hear myself

They can’t hear me through the glass

My space is very limited

3 steps is all I last

I can’t tell them how I feel

Because they wouldn’t understand

I’m speaking words

My mouth is moving

But they’re deaf to hear the sound

I pace my 6 by 8 And i'm screaming

Let me out!

My mother was never there

and my father let me down

I pray for my mother’s presence

And I call my fathers phone

I speak through his phone

Leaving a message

Saying daddy please be home!

I’m in trapped silence

Words unheard

Kept inside this box

No one sees me

No one hears me

I seem silent but i’m not

I’m just ………trapped in this silent box

By nijah a Thomas

copy&(-.co


>
Tags: sad
1 comment(s) - 08:06 PM - 06/19/2012
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    aGiftFromAbov  34, Female, Virginia, USA - 25 entries
15
Mar 2009
1:58 PM EDT
   

Reality Check..

Well i guess its been awhile since ive updated this thing..

Ive learned alot in the past year..

dont get into a relationship with a man who keeps downgrading your wants and needs..

Dont settle.. absolutely no damn settling.

My current relationship is as rocky as mount rushmore.. yet i keep trying and he continues not to try...

he even thinks i dont kno what kinda bullshit hes been up to lately online.. i keep seein this damn craigslist thread for encounters on his screen... for the past 3 weeks and i asked him about it and hes like,.. im laughing at these ppl who are lookin for ppl online.. motherfucker dont play me.. you dont log in that damn often every damn day to look at ppl.. fuck that..

so.. ive been looking for places with and without him..

i have needs wants and desires too.. and right now none of them are being met..

he keeps handing out ultimatums.. ill have one soon.. and it will be final

mesha is moving to the beach this summer.. imma love it.

with or without him.. yes i prefer with.. but i can do bad by my got dammed self.

Im tired of the shit.. the constant his way or the highway..

Ive done it by myself.. and was happy..

im doing it with him and all i am.. is angry.. sad or distraught.

He dosent even seem to care that he just picks little petty ass arguements..

maybe hes just trying to be a dick.. so that i can leave him.. so he wont feel bad..

maybe...

maybe i will..

We went a month and a half without sex..

i havent had any oral since.. he got back from annual training last year!

nevertheless..

i still stay..

when he isnt.. and has not forfilled any part of this relationship in a long time.

Promises of a better tomorrow never to come..

hopes of a future that dosent exist..

imma grow up.. get out.. and get married and have somebodys kids..

at least they will actually want those things with me..

i mean he dosent even want those things..

not even for me.. with me.. nothing..

the only future he can promise me.. and has promised me was him in a casket and me a fat check when its all said and done..

fuck the money.. i can only live once..

in life youhave one shot to give it your all.. and im not going to miss out because he wants to be everyones hero besides mine.

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Current Tags: future, hopes, pissed, police, rocky, sad, tears

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    tealprincess18  28, Female, Virginia, USA - 88 entries
06
May 2008
7:13 PM EDT
   

samson

about 2 hours ago my dog was hit by a car, and i feel as if it was all my fault for not paying more attention.. Samson(my chiuahua) is now dead because i wasnt responsible enough to keep him out of the street, as he followed a man who was running.. my boyfriend michael was coming around the corner walking back from work and he got samson to stop and turn and go tword the house.. just then an suv turned the corner and samson was still running, the next thing i knew samson was lying dead in the street.. there was no yelp of pain.. he just lay there lifeless in front of me, blood coming from his fragile little body.. i could have prevented it.. My brother and michael got a shovel and got him out of the road and burried him in the back yard.. my mom went and took hot water to the sterrt to wash away the blood.. all this happened in front of me as i cryed in hysterics as to what had just happend.. that is all i can type right now!~

Tags: sad
1 comment(s) - 02:03 PM - 06/12/2008
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    Dreamer  27, Female, Australia - 17 entries
20
Apr 2008
4:54 AM WST
   

Recap 3

He honestly told me he� that he was at first �attracted to the fake myspace girl's looks but fell in love with�ME simply because of my personality... thankfully he forgave me.

My realtionship with Eddy for 19 months was nothing but emotional, we have never met� physically he doesnt even have a picture of what i look like. This took a toll on him and�he broke it off.

I refused to accept that...i actually stalked him!!! Calling him 5 times a day he never botherd to pick up my calls so that infuriated me even more. I recall calling his house phone once he picked up and quickly changed his accent and said "this is Eddy's dad Sorry he isnt home" The same thing kept happening whenever anyone picked up the phone....they always claimed he was out

Two weeks later he called we talked and out of nowhere he gave me a kiss. Turns out that was a one night stand!!� a friend of his texted me saying Eddy was confused when he came back to me.......like before i kept on fighting for our love to come back. The response not what i had excpected

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Current Tags: fake, hate, hurt, love, myspace, sad

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