Phyl's Flashes

Just noting the weekend's happening:

Saturday was fun, we held Pam's last Sample Sale for this year. The two saturdays brought in more money than the three saturdays back in March. So good-now we know that August is more profitable than March.

We loved the experience, it's natural for us to be organized so that part is nothing. We enjoyed having people come by to shop, especially unique because the items we're selling have no emotional connection to us. So buy or don't buy, it's no matter to us. Some folks like to chat, some tell their life story! Sometime you get a person that has a misguided strategy of hoping to get a great deal by pretending not to know english. We didn't just get off the bus so we're not easily fooled. But really people - Why??

Saturday afternoon we strolled downtown to shop the farmers market and hit a couple other shops in the area. Beautiful weather helped to create a relaxed outing for us, we were grateful.

Home alone Sat. evening - more fun!!

Sunday, on our walk we stopped to praise a neighbor on his new fence. He ended up telling us about his backyard neighbor's suiside. Whoa! We remembered Sean telling us he'd seen cops there the other day as he was biking to the gym but didn't know why. It turns out that someone reported seeing the man that lived in the house behind our neighbor laying in his yard. The police discovered that he had been deceased for at least a day! Oh man, while our neighbor with the new fence was sorry (he didn't really know his neighbor) he was oddly fasinated by the mystery of it all. We shared this morbid moment with him and admitted we were drawn in and felt strange. Isn't it wierd how we can't tear ourselves away from someone else's misfortune?

As I go forward I have to believe I'm headed in the right direction but today I find myself questioning it. I wonder what my modivations are for what I'm doing.

I want to do good in my life, I want to give good, be a leader, be strong for my family, be commited to a service, be open to learning and to always see there's room for improvements.

That thinking has me stumped today. I just have all these issues coming up lately that don't seem to just be rolling along nicely. I'm not feeling so successful at the end of the day. Yesterday another "issue" popped up and I felt strongly about it, I cried alittle bit. Than this thought came to me, "How come I seem to have such thin skin lately?"

Oh man, I wish I could just not care. I know people like that - they don't ever question themselves, they just plow right along and let the chips fall where they may. I want to be like that but I worry alot, think too much, and here I am...stumped.

My feelings about Evelyn:

I want to be her friend.

I worry about her well being.

I don't like saying no to her.

I feel bad when she manipulates me.

I feel used at times by her.

 

I've asked myself lately, why am I in this with her. Well, it's nearly 4yrs since we met and it is what it is now, no getting out now. So hey, get over it! She's an old woman that has been living her life the way she's seen best and she ain't gonna change for me. I need to step back and be ok with that. I thought I could make a difference to her but I see now that all she wanted from me is what she could get, can't blame her, she needs help sometimes. I need to just let it be. 

It's Tuesday, that means the Duke will go back to work. It is hard to have him around the house, yesterday he gave me the silent treatment(after he woke up at noon!) except for once he said something to me that I don't remember right now, it wasn't a bad thing so I thought maybe he was starting to get over himself!

We are expecting him to contact that school today, we've been waiting for him to enroll in it for the last month. I don't get what his procrastination is all about. Why not get the ball rolling? The sooner he meets his goals the sooner he can get on with his life and be happy. Makes sense to us.

We're sick of having talks with him, they're useless. He sits there and agrees with us until we're done talking and then he does nothing! It's maddening! I lost it last Friday when I saw his car across town when he was supposedly at work. We called him, of course he doesn't answer right away(damn caller ID) but then calls back. Dad picked up cause I was driving, he just asked him where he was and D says, "Why?" well, doesn't that just tell you it all right there? If he's going to ask why I believe that was a stall tactic while he figures out whether to lie or not.

Well he tells us that he was sick at work and needed to leave. Obviously not so sick as to need to come home tho. I pulled over and got on the line, I told him that I thought that by not coming home and choosing to hang out at his friend's house it's the same as lying because if we didn't randomly spot his car we wouldn't have known and we believe he wouldn't have told us. This is not going to fly with us. We are in a time of desparation - he needs this job in the worst way and especially needs all the money he can get. Take a day off when it's not absolutely necessary(like you need to go to the hospital), you miss out on the pay, you come up short between paychecks, you're puttin your hand out to US!!

There lies the rub. For anyone reading this, that's an expression for: there is the problem. OUR Problem: we are his parents, we agreed to help him by paying all his bills till he gets through the school, which btw we don't seem to be able to make him start! The bills are steep and requiring a sacrifice from us. We are sacrificing while he's running around. What's wrong with this picture?? I keep thinking that we need to consult with a specialest, someone who can tell us if we're doing the right thing, are we jeopordizing our own security, are we helping him in the best way for his betterment?

Sigh.....anyway, I ended up yelling at him on the phone that day and saying, "There's a thin line between you and the road!" I feel sorry to have had to say that but then I think I'm justified because we have an agreement and he has to be responsible, he must not loose this job. It's a wonderful opportunity and I hope he sees that.

For the Duke to sneak a day off is showing lack of responsibility and disregard for the opportunity he's been given and disrespect for the sacrifices we're making for him to start over. I thought I was disappointed when he got fired from the last great job but we're sinkin to lower lows now.

Before I write him off completely let's see what today brings. Like the quote for today tells us, our love can find the imperfect person perfect.

I just read the quote from William Ward (who's he?) and it lent a thought to me on gratitude as I was going to launch on my thought/feelings of my brother.

Am I grateful for him? I guess I am, at times. Over the years I've thought that possibly my life would be easier if he weren't born.     Oh man, that sounds harsh. But if you had the whole story you may think the same way. Right now I'm not feeling especially grateful to have him in my life. He's not really part of my day to day because he lives too far away but he's in my thoughts alot. I currently have been worrying about him and get anxious if I think about him too much. 

I write to him but his responses are short and  cryptic. If I ask for him to elaborate or expound on a thought he says he can't, he often uses "I don't know" as an answer, this is a dead end. I believe he doesn't want me to know much about him these days.

"These days" refers to the time since his break up with Claudia. I'm assuming that they are still married but not living together. Claudia said in her last email that she's finding it harder to keep denying to herself that her marriage is over. She has people telling her to move on but she's not ready, 25yrs is most of her life and it's been centered on my brother - for better or for worse it was what it was.  Brother sent me a quote last week, "be careful what you wish for, you might just get it", my understanding of that quote is that he's referring to how much he wanted out of his marriage and now that he is out he's not so happy about it. See what I mean about being cryptic?

I wonder how it would be if he were living nearer to me. With these many miles between us it's easier to make excuses for not communicating regularly with him. The distance has kept us from witnessing each other's lives so we only know what the other tells us. Since his separation from C. I get two different stories - to be sure! My belief is that he wants me to think/feel only a certain way for him. He wants me to unconditionally love him - nothing wrong with that I'm sure. He can't stand any judgement from me - gonna get some of that in life. He has collapsed under my disapproval - he should have seen it coming. 

I bet he has a fantasy of how he is thought of by me and mine. As he has been so distructive to his family I would think that it's sad for him that I don't think/feel the same about him now. Which makes it logical that he doesn't communicate willingly these days.

Yep, I think I'm on to something! If I were ashamed of myself, my actions, I'd want to stay out of the spotlight. I guess I'm pretty important to him and he's doing what he has to do to keep his pride with me...

Interesting. Journaling really helps.

Finally, a whole bowl of apples -  smelling so fresh and sweet. I thought there might be enough for a pie, even though most of them were close to the size of golf balls. My cute little tree did pretty good this year. 

Figured it was going to be a bit of work, but I got into it, chop - slice - dice.  Stir in the cinnamon & sugar and you know why you did this work, there is pure joy in that sweet/spicie aroma! 

It was such a beautiful day, August in NorCal can be near perfect usually. We've had so many fires this year that a day with clear blue sky is totally exciting, I know how lucky we are to live here. As we traveled up to Portland last month the scenery was awesome but frightening because of the smoke in the air. I thought how horrible it would be if we polluted the air so much that it always looked like this. That's what they're doing in China I hear, and some of that makes it's way to us!! Somehow it's got to stop!

Ok, so here I go again. I've got to travel over the same ground, I know the drill: exercise, eat right, eat less, no sugary or salty snacks and stop the wine (boo-hoo). 

Oh the joys of dieting, I can do it but it just isn't fun at all! Why me? I've been good over the years, I've been exercising, eating right, yada-yada. But somehow the lb-s added up. First it was 5 extra and I struggled to loose them for quite some time until recently I resigned that they're part of the menopause phase and I'd have to live with them. It's "OK" I told myself, "When the pandemic hits I'll suvive longer than the skinny broads out there". Then I decided to stay off the scale for awhile, "As long as my clothes fit right what difference does the number make" is what I was telling myself. I have a friend, Cheri, and she doesn't even own a scale and she's got a great figure! Well, she did just have a tummy-tuck and a boob-job,  I did't think she needed either and now she's even more perfect (trying not to envy her).

Anyway, back to my thought, she's told me that I shouldn't obsess over the number on the scale and I've read that same thing so I gave it a shot and to my dismay I am rewarded with another 5lbs!! Thankyousomuch!

Welp, today's another day and I've got another chance so I'm going to give it my best effort. I feel energized and optomistic. I believe I can achieve my goal which is 10lbs lost. I have plenty of support from my hubbie and family, they'll enjoy eating the healthy foods too and cheer me on. I look forward to hearing praise-I remember how good it felt in the past, everyone loves recognition for their efforts. I look forward to having better thoughts about myself too, I was thinking about the last time I saw that magic number on the scale and I clearly remember thinking that it could have been better. Today I'm kicking myself for not being happier with myself, when I get back to that number I'm going to be proud and not spend a moment thinking thoughts of inadequacy. Being critical of myself hasn't paid off in the long run, from now on I'm going to be a good friend to myself and feel good about ME.

I can do it!

Gotta go, I've got some sweatin to do!! I'll check back on Monday after my weigh-in.  

It's funny how people come into your life. I think we meet for a reason. I try to see and realize the value in people.

Everyone has a purpose in this life, if we meet then I become a part of that.

I met Evelyn almost 3 years ago. She was new to Petaluma and had called the public service organization I had just become a volunteer for.

She needed a variety of resourses and thought that I'd be of use to her. I was introduced to her as someone that would come visit her on a regular basis.

So we started out that way, I'd come see her every Thursday afternoon and we'd talk, get to know each other. She'd usually ask me to take her to the store or some kind of errand.

At 90+ years old Evelyn finds herself in a an unfamiliar vulnerable position. In her younger years she'd always relied on herself, disliked having to depend on anyone. She'd married as a young woman but as she told me, she had "no use for a man telling her what to do". Today she finds herself alone, she's bought a home in a town she's not familiar with and at times her body sabotages her efforts to move through her day. She gets frustrated easily. Like a child she's not able to control her anger. She'll raise her voice, once she even raised her hand to me. I've had to talk to her (when she's calmer of course) about that type of response to me and that I wouldn't tolerate anything less than respect towards me, while she agrees I think she's just an old gal that's done things a certain way and that's that. I don't believe she means me harm.

There's been times when I feel I'm a bother to her, and times when I think she appreciates me, lately, I'm in her favor. Our visits are pleasant and I find myself thinking fondly of her.

Yesterday she wanted to cancel our visit because she needed to take her quilt to a laundrymat at the time I usually come see her. I reminded her that I wouldn't be able to come for the next couple weeks so perhaps if she'd be up to it I could come later in the day. She sounded open and even a bit happy about that.

So I did see Evelyn, she had me trim her nails on her right hand, help her retrieve a message off her answering machine, put the tarp back on her car (which btw I can't imagine how she does this by herself!). Then just as we were saying goodbye on her porch she realized that she had locked herself out of the house! Don't panic, there's a hide-a-key hidden on the porch, so as I reached under the railing for the box all I found was a magnet - no box, no key! Still she's cool, I on the otherhand wondered where this was going and when I'd be on my way, back to the chores of my day. But in a flash I managed to find the box, it had fallen between the garden rocks below and was covered by leaves.

It's always an adventure with her, I hope to know her for a good long time. I hope I'm of more use than bother to her.