Phyl's Flashes

Jun 2008
1:06 AM PDT

Note to Self

Alright, I've only got a few minutes. Spent too much time reading from the "View Random" selections, interesting what people want to take note of.

Anyway, as for me I've got my busy day ahead. It's Wed. and that means it's my day of beauty - nails and hair today, let's hope it helps!

I managed to pick out a couple of pix of the girls for the autograph board I bought. That was hard cause there aren't too many with them posing together. So, add a trip to Kinkos to my day to have 5x7's made.

Talked to my mother-in-law last night, she called to ask if I needed her to bring anything to the party, that was nice of her. She didn't want to touch my comment of our disappointment in Lori's not coming because of Ryan's b-day. Oh no, Lori is never wrong so let's just not say a word about that.

But you know when I stop to read that, I guess not talking about it is the right thing because what's to be gained from that? More hurt feelings probably, cause one of us is bound to say something that the other didn't like or whatever, it would be just gossip and that's a total deadend.

I can roll with that.

We're going to have big fun and Lori's the one that's missing out.

Note to self = Gossip gets us nowhere. Best to avoid it.

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Jun 2008
1:36 AM PDT

The Youth of Old Age

This is the summer that I will remember as the summer�I started my new life.

I read once that "40 is the old age of youth, and 50 is the youth of old age" Well, I've arrived at my youth.

It doesn't look the way it did the first time, though�I don't remember being able to really see myself then. I remember�the flaws, the criticisms de'jour, yes I have a clear picture of that woman. Today I think more kindly towards myself. I allow the light to shine on me without shame or discomfort.

Self-consciousness�that ruled�my youth has exhausted itself now, and�is allowing wonder to walk in its place.�I feel�the wonder of�a�child but with�the wisdom of her mother.

Isn't that interesting?

That is the question I ask at every glance I get of the woman in the mirror.

My answer: Very.

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Jun 2008
11:55 PM PDT


Today�we have another chance to move forward. We talked about everything last night and we came away feeling optomistic.

Here's what happened yesterday:

Lori got their invitation to Mandy's engagement party and emailed me that they wouldn't be coming. She says what we thought she'd say: It's Ryan' s b-day. They�want to take him out for dinner, and that she already had a gig to attend� during the�day with Milana. While she tells me how special becoming engaged is, and that she realizes that Mandy is leaving for Portland soon, she's "so bummed" to decline the invitation.

We saw this coming. We feared our reactions. We avoided our fear ruling our actions, (so far).

I think that our relationship with Lori is precious to us. We need to protect it. Don't let this come between us - (and boy it could!)�

Here's the core issue at hand: We believe that Lori's excuse�is a smoke-screen for her real reason. That reason�is what�has the potential to damage our relationship the most, we believe that she grapples with our daughter being gay and is afraid to attend this party because it would be in her face too much.�I think she hasn't dealt with it�since Mandy came out 5yrs. ago. She's had opportunity but side-stepped it.�

There is always the chance that I am wrong. (One could always hope).�

I responded to her�email in as few words possible, just a couple sentences to say that her family comes first,�that�I understand and they'd be missed. She responded quickly, revealing some back-peddling on her story: she�corrects me in that, "we are�her family", she points out that because of Ryan's b-day�even her plans for that day were iffie (which�establishes their priority is their family)�Lastly, she hands the baton to Luis (pointing out her lack of authority in making decisions), which in my opinion is another effort to side-step.

Wait for it... I'm sure a total effort at diverting my attention will come today.

What she doesn't know is that whatever they decide will be accepted, we will love them through this. Allowed to be 'off the hook' may bring an enlightenment for them.

Everyone� in their own time.


Tags: family
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Jun 2008
1:51 AM PDT

Day One 6-18-08

Today is the first day of a new journal.

I'm excited to get started on a new way of journaling. I've been away from it for too long.

Where do I start?

First things first I guess. I haven't been to the gym for 2wks (?) something like that. I cried last night when I talked about it to Bear. I'm very disappointed with myself. I've had a standard to uphold for many years and I'm letting myself down. Yet even this minute I'm choosing to do this instead of going for a walk, which will be a first since last weekend. "This is more important. I just need some time." That's what I've been telling myself. also, "I'll be getting back to it, as soon as the pressure lets up."

The second thing, (and I'm not so sure I'm able to put them in perfect order), is Dan and his walk of shame as I think of it.�Since he came and told me of how he got fired from his dream job I've had a heavy feeling in my gut. I feel like I have a bolder in my stomach. I'm terribly sad, disappointed, ashamed, and a bit mad. The mad part grows a tad every so often as he doesn't seem to get the urgencey of finding a new job. Hello?? Money's running out and then your bills become our bills!! I get the attitude that this is sort of like a vacation to him, "haha lets go to the beach!" All I can do is�stay focused on what we expect�from him and stay clear that my fears are not realities - yet.


Mandy's move to Portland. YIKES!!�This one is the hardest for me to swallow.�A loaded gun for sure. Not going to go there right now, later.

Last:� (i hope)

The marriage of Mandy & Scarlet.�

these are my biggies these days. things I can't�talk�about so well. bear listens but he's not enough for my head. i will write until i can feel the release. this is what i used to do but gave up on the pen and book method. online? lets see how this goes.

Tags: job, marriage, move
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