Phyl's Flashes

 
    
25
Aug 2008
11:57 PM PDT
   

Regarding D, there's Hope

Things are improving with regard to D. I couldn't have predicted it though. I was really feeling doomed. But I put it out there (here and also to a trusted friend) and got some feedback that has us moving in what seems to be a better direction. How can I tell? Mostly because I'm not feeling that wierd, hallow emptiness in my gut. I've had it enough by now that I should trust it.

We have turned things around with him in the last week. We listened to advice and acted on it. Made some changes ie; his bills are now back on him, we'll support him by helping with gas money and paying for the school, period.�He responded amazingly well (hopefully he wasn't just�blowin smoke up my dress), he seems happier now. With regard to the new school: he's made progress! The ball is rolling!! He had a choice to attend during day hrs. or evening hrs., he chose evening so he wouldn't miss work - !! Wow! Good choice!! He got the first binder that needed to be worked on by himself & a�trainer from work then brought back next Monday night- his first night of class, so I'm happier now.

I'm seeing here the true value of journaling: a concrete way to know that things are changing,�I�am changing! I need this because I get hung up in thinking negative thoughts when I hit a wall with something. I have a hard time believing that anything will get better. It's so hard to tell myself a good story about how "everything's going to be alright". BUT when I do this, and look back, then I can actually remember and see the issues evolve.

Gives me hope.

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25
Aug 2008
12:18 AM PDT
   

Walking the Walk

I've been asked to join my neighbor for a walk this morning. I said I would. I like to spend time with her, she's a good neighbor, friend and recently became my boss.

We have a very good relationship. I've always admired her and think all good thoughts about her. She seems to have mutual thoughts for me. I'm glad to have the opportunity to work with her, that has offered our relationship a new avenue to grow in.

Most recently she's had an awakening. She realized it's time to give her health more priority. She's eating better and exercising regularly, I can see�the weight coming off!�It's wonderful to see, she's got focus and determination.

I will challenge her this morning to push the envelope, we will sweat!

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21
Aug 2008
12:50 AM PDT
   

A Letter

Lor,

Are you also going to ask me if I'm mad at you?

Have you had enough time to think?

If you ask me can you hear what I might say?

It won't be that bad, you can trust me. I've had time to think, and my emotions have settled. I can see past them, they aren't going to rule my words.

I wish we could have a true dialog about your absence that day. I believe there is a deeper reason than the one you gave us. I believe that this is an opportunity for you to grow and learn if you want to. You have to ask us though, we can't insist.

Bear has accepted your apology and if that's where it stops then so be it - he speaks for me too. We'll all have to go forward from here and I won't be the one to�bring it up.

For us to force�a dialog with you guys could bring out a truth that could be too much for all of�us to handle.�

It's possible that a huge stinkie elephant has just entered the room and we'll just have to ignor it.�

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21
Aug 2008
12:28 AM PDT
   

What Will Today Bring?

We just never know what difference a day can make.

Sometimes I feel excited with the possibilities when I have a day that seems open but today I feel a bit apprehensive.

Evelyn usually is on my list for Thursdays. But things between her and I have changed in the last couple weeks. Back when she took that fall at Macys and had me over to help�the next day which ended up�taking up most of my day, she told me that she'd feel better about "using" so much of my time if she were paying me.�She's tried, in the past, to�offer me money for comeing to see her but I've refused�because of the nature of our relationship. However, in recent months she seems so much more incapable and is requiring more assistance than ever, she says she wants me to be the one she calls when she needs someone. In that conversation when she told me that she wanted me to start accepting money for my time with her I had to agree but haven't felt good about it since. I think mostly that I don't want her to abuse me the way it sounds like she abuses other people that "help" her for money. She's always got a tale of the incompitence of this one or that one that came to her house and how she tells them off. Yikes, I really don't want to be one of those, I think that would bring a sudden end to our friendship and I know I'd feel bad about that.

So, this morning I'm wondering if she's going to call, and how it'll turn out.

She's such a tough old bird and I'm such a softie.

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20
Aug 2008
12:31 AM PDT
   

Babs

I met Babs when she was 14 and I was 15. She thought I was so much older than her. I thought she was too shy. I figured she'd never be significant in my life. How could I know that we'd be BFF.

All these years later (let's not count them) we have what she calls a "True Sister" relationship. I consider her my "go to girl" when I've got real delemas or hot gossip! She was the one I called when my water broke and I didn't know what was happening to me. She was the one I trusted when I tried to swim (ok, dog paddle) out to the raft on the Russin River. Only to find out that sunbathing out there meant that we'd be plagued by the resident biting flies! She cried with me when my�mother died and celebrated with me in the limo on my 30th birthday.

We've been together for almost every highlight in each other's lives. It couldn't have been better that our husbands have been friends since they met�while in the second grade! These men complement each other very nicely. Each one proving that strength and sensitivity can coexist.�

Between us we have 7 children and 7 grandkids! Babs led the way having her first baby 2yrs before me and became my mentor when my first baby came home from the hospital and I was sure I was going to do something wrong! I remember my very first case of�Baby-Blues,�I think there's a medical term for it now and probably a pill to cure it but�back then us new Moms just rolled with the punches.�That day I woke up a seemed to goof up every�single thing I tried to do with my poor little ginnea pig.�When I broke down and cried,�telling her on the phone,�"I can't do this!"�She showed up, put�the baby in his father's willing arms and drove me to the mall where we got "shop therapy"�which we agreed was WAY cheaper than the real thing and through the years has been�WAY effective!

I write about my old gal-pal today because she's entering a new stage of her life and I'm so happy to be�around to share it. I'll write more I'm sure�as her retirement reviels itself and our story continues.

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19
Aug 2008
12:47 AM PDT
   

Mixed Bag

As always I have mixed feelings about my kids growing up and changing into young adults. I loved all the little people years and I know I'll love the big people years too it's just hard to say goodbye to one and await the other.

My baby boy�goes back to school tomorrow and will enter his junior year, then turn 16 in Sept..

I'm confident that my son will flourish as he has all along. I imagine he'll always be close to us no matter what, I see him with a family that embraces us and wants to include us in their lives. So I have no fear, I just guess I'm feeling nostalgic. It's all good.

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18
Aug 2008
1:07 AM PDT
   

Ramble Randomly...

Just noting the weekend's happening:

Saturday was fun, we held�Pam's last Sample Sale for this year. The two saturdays brought in more money than the three saturdays back in March. So good-now we know that August is more profitable than March.

We loved the experience, it's natural for us to be organized so that part is nothing. We enjoyed having people come by to shop, especially unique because the items we're selling have no emotional connection to us. So buy or don't buy, it's no matter to us. Some folks like to�chat, some tell their life story! Sometime you get a person that has a misguided strategy of hoping to get a great deal by pretending not to know english. We didn't just get off the bus so we're not easily fooled. But really people - Why??

Saturday afternoon we strolled downtown to shop the farmers market and hit a couple other shops in the area. Beautiful weather helped to create a relaxed outing for us, we were grateful.

Home alone Sat. evening - more fun!!

Sunday, on our walk we stopped to praise a neighbor on his new fence. He ended up telling us about his backyard neighbor's suiside. Whoa! We remembered�Sean telling us he'd seen cops there the other day as he was biking to the gym but didn't know why. It turns out that someone reported seeing�the man that lived in the house behind our neighbor laying in his yard. The police discovered that he had been deceased for at least a day! Oh man, while our neighbor with the new fence was sorry (he didn't really know his neighbor) he was oddly fasinated by the mystery of it all. We shared this morbid moment with him and admitted we were drawn in and�felt strange. Isn't it wierd how we can't tear ourselves away from someone else's misfortune?

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15
Aug 2008
12:51 AM PDT
   

TGIF

This week I got some advice that has helped me get headed in a better direction. I'm reffering to the delema w/D. I am so grateful that I had an open mind and heart to hearing the advice because I believe everything's going to be fine now!

Enabling, co-dependency, scarie words for the true controller.�But if one can listen and heed the message one could loosen thier grip, relax, let it be.

Yesterday I shared this insight with Bear and when he got home he had had some thinking time on the commute and had a plan! We had a talk with D., shared our plan which ultimately reestablishes the onus for the mess he's in and relieves us of the burdons that were resulting in our panic/co-dependency/enabling behaviors.

I tell you - I feel like a new person this morning! I've had a weight lifted off my shoulders. Don't be surprised if you see me skippin down Main St. today sportin a goofie grin!

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14
Aug 2008
12:48 AM PDT
   

How do I just Let It Be What It Will Be

As I go forward I have to believe I'm headed in the right direction but today I find myself questioning it. I wonder what my modivations are for what I'm doing.

I want to do good in my life, I want to give good, be a leader, be strong for my family, be commited to�a service, be open to learning and to always see there's room for improvements.

That thinking has me stumped today. I just have all these issues coming up lately that don't seem to just be rolling along nicely. I'm not feeling so successful at the end of the day. Yesterday another "issue" popped up and I felt strongly about it, I cried alittle bit. Than this thought came to me, "How come I seem to have such thin skin lately?"

Oh man, I wish I could just not care. I know people like that - they don't ever question themselves, they just plow right along and let the chips fall where they may. I want to be like that but I worry alot, think too much, and here I am...stumped.

My feelings about Evelyn:

I want to be her friend.

I worry about her well being.

I don't like saying no to her.

I feel bad when she manipulates me.

I feel used at times by her.

I've asked myself lately, why am I in this with her. Well, it's nearly 4yrs since we met and it is what it is now, no getting out now. So hey, get over it! She's an old woman that has been living her life the way she's seen best and she ain't gonna change for me. I need to�step back and be ok with that. I thought I could make a difference to her but I see now that all she wanted from me is what she could get, can't blame her, she needs help sometimes. I need to just let it be.�

1 comment(s) - 12:09 AM - 08/15/2008
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12
Aug 2008
11:39 PM PDT
   

Bear to the Rescue!

We agreed that it would be a good idea for us to call the school and get the info for ourselves since D wasn't doing it. So the call went well, at first attempt there was a voice message that told that the school has been�closed since June and would be in session on 8/8. Wondered where they are, decided to call back.�Ok, so a second call prompted someone at the school to answer.

We have a booklet on the school coming in the mail and hoping that it answers our questions.

D. came home and said that he'd called the school (good!!) and left a message (not so good). We shared what we learned and he went on to say that he's thinking that he school is "ghetto". Huh? How's that? I think that he's got to go see for himself, next week for sure. Then we'll know for sure if the school is going to be a benefit to him. If he's not going to attend that school then the internship would end-at least I think so anyway. For sure, what then, cause he's GOT to do something! Sweeping hair for min. wage is definately not going to keep his boat floating.

The rescue part came in that Bear called D. right after he talked to the school and let him know that he had done it which in my way of thinking lets D. think he doesn't have to do it for himself. I thought our call should have been for our info only and that D. needed to seek the info on his own.

I need to see D. taking steps to improve himself by himself, we need to�LET him. My husband is a rescuer and I love that about him but right now�that behavior�could be making things in the long run worse for D.

I've been told that we are enabling D. What is his motivation to do better when we're carrying his burdon?�

With that thought I am sencing a�coming shift in our support of D. I need to let�that resonate for awhile. Also I want to see what comes of D's visit to the school. ($800 fee up front)�

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12
Aug 2008
12:59 AM PDT
   

The Duke

It's Tuesday, that means the Duke will go back to work. It is hard to have him around the house, yesterday he gave me the silent treatment(after he woke up at noon!)�except for once he said something to me that I don't remember right now, it wasn't a bad thing so I thought�maybe he was starting to get over himself!

We are expecting him to contact that school today, we've been waiting for him to enroll in it�for the last month. I don't get what his procrastination is all about. Why not get the ball rolling? The sooner he meets his goals the sooner he can get on with his life and be happy. Makes sense to us.

We're sick of having talks with him, they're useless. He sits there and agrees with us until we're done talking and then he does nothing! It's maddening! I lost it last Friday when I saw his car across town when he was supposedly at work. We called him, of course he doesn't answer right away(damn caller ID)�but then calls back. Dad picked up cause I was driving, he just asked him where he was and D says, "Why?" well, doesn't that just tell you it all right there? If he's going to ask why I believe that was a stall tactic while he figures out whether to lie or not.

Well he tells us that he was sick at work and needed to leave. Obviously not so sick as to need to come home tho. I pulled over and got on the line, I told him that I thought that by not coming home and choosing to hang out at his friend's house�it's the same as�lying because if we didn't randomly spot his car we wouldn't have known and we believe he wouldn't have told us. This is not going to fly with us. We are in a time of desparation - he needs this job in the worst way and especially needs all the money he can get. Take a day off when it's not absolutely necessary(like you need to go to the hospital), you miss out on the pay, you come up short between paychecks, you're puttin your hand out to US!!

There lies the rub. For anyone reading this, that's an expression for: there is the problem. OUR Problem: we are his parents, we agreed to help him by paying all his bills till he gets through the school, which btw�we don't seem to be able to make�him start! The bills are steep and requiring a sacrifice from us. We are sacrificing while he's running around. What's wrong with this picture?? I keep thinking that we need to consult with a specialest, someone who can�tell us�if we're doing the right thing, are we jeopordizing our own security, are we helping him in the best way for his betterment?

Sigh.....anyway, I ended up yelling at him on the phone that day and saying, "There's a thin line between you and the road!" I feel sorry to have had to say that but then I�think I'm justified because we have an agreement and he has to be responsible, he must not loose this job. It's a wonderful opportunity and I hope he sees that.

For the Duke to sneak a day off is showing lack of responsibility and disregard for the opportunity he's been given and disrespect for the sacrifices we're making for him to start over. I thought I was disappointed when he got fired from the last great job but we're sinkin to lower lows now.

Before I write him off completely let's see what today brings. Like the quote for today tells us, our love can find the imperfect person perfect.

1 comment(s) - 03:04 PM - 08/13/2008
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11
Aug 2008
12:18 AM PDT
   

Dear Brother, Life goes on.

Well I emailed brother hoping to get him to talk to me, to stay connected. He's not able to open up, he wrote things I don't really understand. He told me that he's not proud of himself, that if I knew�I would feel that way too. He said he cries easily and doesn't know why.�

I think he's very caught up in his life and it's drama.�Too hard to give me just a catch-up in a few words. Perhaps what�we need is a long conversation but I'm�afraid to know too much. I also think he's got to be ashamed when he thinks of me. He referred to the "grown-ups" that I have to deal with and he's not in that group.�

I fwd. the email to C. thinking that maybe she could help me understand it better. She called me late last night. She told me alot. But as I reflect on the events she shared with me I think not much has changed for them, this is why I said to her that "Life goes on, be part of it".

How depressing their life sounds to me. If I didn't know these people and just heard bits and pieces, observed their actions now and then I'd think "what loosers!"

I'm embarressed to say that, that's my family! What the heck are they doing to themselves? Why are they so retarded that they can't get out of this downward spiral they've been in for�the last couple years?

I almost get why Brother is so distructive to his life but I don't get why C. participates the way she does. The conflict they have due to his ongoing affair has their changed�marriage into a twisted, sick game.�That's what C. says is between them now "a game", where she waits for him to make a move and she reacts to it, period. Bummer, I couldn't live like that and my opinion is that it's very sick for them to live this way.

Any hint that she should direct her attention toward her own life and making it better has her defending the marriage or rather what's left of it. She and he are seeing therapists and that's gotta help - someday. But I didn't hear anything different from almost 3yrs. ago when her and I held marathon phone calls, she'd tell me "and then he did this, and then I did that" it's all the same stuff now, no changes.

How can they stand it??

I told her that she won't be young (she's already 40something) forever and does she want to find herself looking in the mirror one day realizing that she spent her last- however many-years growing old waiting for him to become sane. She pretty much said it's already happened. To him as well, she said that he's really looking bad these days. I don't doubt it, they both smoke and he's been abusing painkillers - that's gonna show on the face over time.

I'm just so alone, my brother was the last of my childhood family and I feel I've lost him - for now anyway.

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07
Aug 2008
1:21 AM PDT
   

Brother's Keeper

I just read the quote from William Ward (who's he?) and it�lent a�thought to me on gratitude as I was going to launch�on my thought/feelings�of my brother.

Am I grateful for him?�I guess I am, at times. Over the years I've thought that possibly my life�would be easier if he weren't born.���� Oh�man, that sounds harsh. But if you had the whole story you may think the same way. Right now I'm not feeling especially grateful to have him in my life. He's not really part�of my day to day because he lives too far away but he's in my thoughts alot. I currently have been worrying about him and get anxious if I think about him too much.�

I write to him but his responses are short and� cryptic. If I ask for him to elaborate or expound on a thought he says he can't, he often uses "I don't know" as an answer, this is a dead end. I believe he doesn't want me to know much about him these days.

"These days" refers to the time since his break up with Claudia. I'm assuming that they are still married but not living together. Claudia said in her last email that she's finding it harder to keep denying to herself that her marriage is over. She has people telling her to move on but she's not ready, 25yrs is most of her life and it's been centered on my brother - for better or for worse it was what it was.� Brother sent me a quote last week, "be careful what you wish for, you might just get it", my understanding of that quote is that he's referring to how much he wanted out of his marriage and now that he is out he's not so happy about it. See what I mean about being cryptic?

I wonder how it would be if he were living nearer to me. With these many miles between us it's easier to make excuses for not communicating regularly with him. The distance has kept us from witnessing each other's lives so we only know what the other tells us.�Since his separation from C. I get two�different stories - to be sure! My belief is that he wants me to think/feel only a certain way for him. He wants me to unconditionally love him - nothing wrong with that I'm sure. He can't stand any judgement from me - gonna get some of that in life.�He has collapsed under my disapproval - he should have seen it coming.�

I bet he has a fantasy of how he is thought of by me and mine. As he has been so distructive to his family I would think that it's sad for him that I don't think/feel the same about him now. Which makes it logical that he doesn't communicate willingly these days.

Yep, I think I'm on to something! If I were ashamed of myself, my actions, I'd want to stay out of the spotlight. I guess I'm pretty important to him and he's doing what he has to do to keep his pride with me...

Interesting. Journaling really helps.

2 comment(s) - 09:35 AM - 08/11/2008
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06
Aug 2008
12:02 AM PDT
   

Evelyn

Got an early call yesterday from Evelyn. She doesn't usually call me on a Tuesday morning so I was somewhat alarmed at first. I didn't recognize her voice, and she didn't get mine either, she was asking for my mother, lol. Once we got that out of the way she launched on her story of her fall at Macys the day before. She fell in the bathroom and bumped her head pretty bad, ended up having perimedics come and read her blood pressure which was too high so she was taken to the hospital. Her neighbor who'd taken to the mall went with her and they spent the rest of the afternoon in the ER when they let her go home.

She was calling me because she was going to need some help, she was deemed "fine" by the Dr. but she was feeling pretty bruised up and having trouble standing for very long. As usual she was more concerned about her "kitties" than herself. I'm sure they are her reason to keep living day after day!

I was in the midst of my morning stuff - housework, exercise, shower and a busy day ahead.�So when she said there was no rush I felt less pressure. First thing was for me to get on the phone to find possible caregivers for her to call in the future. This is a constant worry for me - she doesn't take this need as seriously as I do and she's usually finding herself quite alone and frustrated during times of ill health. Then I get the call with her pitiful voice explaining that she has no-one else and I have no choice but to drop my life to tend to hers.

She didn't need much from me yesterday though I spent the whole afternoon with her. I mostly sat (wishing�she'd let me clean�up some)�and watched her eat and kept her company. As time went by I thought she was coming around, she still looked pained by moving & couldn't stand straight but she seemed more alert than when I first got there. I�was assured by that so around 4pm when she got settled back in after our trip to the store I headed out to try to catch up on my day's chores.

I may hear from her again today so I'm not sure what Wednesday is going to offer me in terms of the things I want to get done. I've got a few hrs. work at Pam's, I want to go to the glass maker�and look into getting�our new mirrors made, have to go to Casa to pick up Sean's HS packet for registration next week (woo-hoo!).

Right now I'm finishing up my coffee and feeling ready to hit the treadmill! So I'll seeya till next time.

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04
Aug 2008
11:59 PM PDT
   

Fall is in the Air

Finally, a whole�bowl of apples - �smelling so fresh and sweet. I thought there�might be�enough for a pie, even though most of them were close to the size of golf balls. My cute little tree did pretty�good this year.�

Figured it was going to be a bit of work, but I got into it, chop - slice - dice.� Stir in the cinnamon & sugar and�you know why you did this work, there is pure joy in that sweet/spicie aroma!�

It was such a beautiful day, August in NorCal can be near perfect usually. We've had so many fires this year that a day with clear blue sky is totally exciting, I know how lucky we are to live here. As we traveled up to Portland last month the scenery was awesome but frightening because of the smoke in the air. I thought how horrible it would be if we polluted the air so much that it always looked like this. That's what they're doing in China I hear, and some of that makes it's way to us!! Somehow it's got to stop!

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04
Aug 2008
2:01 AM PDT
   

Monday Monday

Here we go, another week begins. I hate Mondays, I often call it "moan-day" cause the weekend is over and we all have to go back to the work of the week. I can't wait for Barry to retire, everyday will be the weekend!

We painted the bathroom this past weekend, sounds like work but it wasn't, it was fun. We work good together and the room was in such need that it really looks wonderful now. There is still some little things that are not done but all the paint is on the walls and the smell is on its way out.�I bought new light fixtures that came with energy saving bulbs - you know, thoses curly ones? Well, we turned it on and whoa! way too bright!! and that was just one of the fixtures, there's another to hang yet! Gonna take those back, we don't need to feel like we're under a spotlight.

I've�always loved having a room painted, it's amazing how the color change affects you everytime�you enter�the room. We've lived�here for 19yrs and so�we've changed almost�every�room at least once-except this one. I realized why over the last couple days, I don't like having my bathroom out of commission. I�felt like a visitor in my own house.�Barry said it felt like�the last time we stayed at a B&B, or like when we were camping. You have to bring everything you need with you to the shower and�be sure to bring everything back when you finish.

Boy, we were so tired last night at lights out. Slept real good,�I have a full list of chores for�today but I'm loven my morning coffee time, don't want to leave the mattress yet.

It is getting later, gotta hit the gym first thing so I'll sign off for today. Last thought: I emailed�Rusty on Friday, tested the water a bit, he hasn't responded yet - wonder�when he�will - IF he will. He and I just got through another anniversary of our mother's death. I knew it but didn't mention it to him, wonder if he�remembers.�

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01
Aug 2008
12:50 AM PDT
   

Back on Track

Ok, so here I go again. I've got to travel over the same ground, I know the drill: exercise, eat right, eat less, no sugary or salty�snacks and stop the wine (boo-hoo).�

Oh the joys of dieting, I can do it but it just isn't fun at all! Why me? I've been good over the years, I've been exercising, eating right, yada-yada. But somehow the lb-s added up. First it was 5 extra and I struggled to loose them for quite some time until recently I resigned that they're part of the menopause phase and I'd have to live with them. It's "OK" I told myself,�"When the pandemic hits I'll suvive longer than the skinny broads out there".�Then I decided to stay off the scale for awhile, "As long as my clothes fit right what difference does the number make" is what I was telling myself. I have a friend, Cheri, and she doesn't even own a scale and she's got a great figure! Well, she did just have a tummy-tuck and a boob-job,� I did't think she needed either and now she's even more perfect (trying not to envy her).

Anyway, back to my thought, she's told me that I shouldn't obsess over the number on the scale and I've read that same thing so I gave it a shot and to my dismay I am rewarded with another 5lbs!! Thankyousomuch!

Welp, today's another day and I've got another chance so I'm going to give it my best effort. I feel energized and optomistic. I believe I can achieve my goal which is 10lbs lost. I have plenty of support from my hubbie and family, they'll enjoy eating the healthy foods too�and cheer me on. I�look forward to hearing praise-I remember how good it felt in the past, everyone loves recognition for their efforts. I look forward to having better�thoughts about myself�too, I�was thinking about the last time I saw that magic number on the scale and I clearly remember thinking that it could have been better. Today I'm kicking myself for not being happier with myself, when I get back to that number I'm going to be proud and not spend a moment thinking thoughts of�inadequacy. Being critical of myself hasn't paid off in the long run, from now on I'm going to be a good friend to myself and feel good about ME.

I can do it!

Gotta go, I've got�some sweatin to do!! I'll check back on Monday after my weigh-in. �

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Current Tags: exercise, weight loss

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01
Jul 2008
1:11 AM PDT
   

Celebrate

Our party on Saturday was wonderful! Couldn't have wished for better. Everyone that was here had a very good time, loads of food, and great laughs.

Mandy and Scarlet were so grateful, it made me feel so good inside to hear it. I had done so much work for the party and hoped they'd appreciate it and they did, bigtime!

We took loads of pictures, which sounds logical but I'm such a goof and usually forget to take them, so I'm happy I didn't this time. I got some great shots of all my kids together, which we know doesn't happen too often and they look so happy. I believe they really do love each other and getting together helps them remember those feelings.

I'm planning to have copies of the pix made and we can put them in the album we got for the girls, which we'll give them on Thursday. The big day!

What a trip it is to think that my daughter is gettng married. I recently attended the wedding of my neighbor's daughter. It was in the planning for a long time, official invitations went out, the catholic church was reserved, a lovely ballroom was booked and the catered event was perfect�in everyway. Nicole looked stunning in her flowing white dress, her husband-to-be was so dashing in his tux, large improvement over his baggie shorts and tshirts!

We will have none of that, Mandy wants it simple. She said that in the future there could be a formal ceremony for their friends and family that won't be attending on Thursday.

On the one hand, I'm happy, on the other, I'm not.

You gotta let your children go, let them have their lives, enjoy their ups and stand by in the downs. I find myself thinking, "how does this reflect on me?"

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27
Jun 2008
12:41 AM PDT
   

Evelyn

It's funny how people come into your life. I think we meet for a reason. I try to see and realize the value in people.

Everyone has a purpose in this life, if we meet then I become a part of that.

I met Evelyn almost 3 years ago. She was new to Petaluma and had called the public service organization I had just become a volunteer for.

She needed a variety of resourses and thought that I'd be of use to her. I was introduced to her as someone that would come visit her on a regular basis.

So we started out that way, I'd come see her every Thursday afternoon and we'd talk, get to know each other. She'd usually ask me to take her to the store or some kind of errand.

At 90+ years old Evelyn finds herself in a an unfamiliar�vulnerable position. In her younger years she'd always relied on herself, disliked having to depend on anyone. She'd married as a young woman but as she told me, she had "no use for a man telling her what to do". Today�she finds herself�alone, she's bought a home in a town she's not familiar with and at times her body sabotages her efforts to move through her day. She gets frustrated easily. Like a child she's not able to�control her anger. She'll raise her voice, once she even raised her hand to me. I've had to talk to her (when she's calmer of course) about that type of response to me and that I wouldn't tolerate anything less than respect towards me, while she agrees I think she's just an old gal that's done things a certain way and that's that. I don't believe she means me harm.

There's been times when I feel I'm a bother to her, and times when I think she appreciates me, lately, I'm in her favor. Our visits are pleasant and I find myself thinking fondly of her.

Yesterday she wanted to cancel our visit because she needed to take her quilt to a laundrymat at the time I usually come see her. I reminded her that I wouldn't be able to come for the next couple weeks so perhaps if she'd be up to it I could come later in the day. She sounded open and even a bit happy about that.

So I did see Evelyn, she had me trim her nails on her right hand, help her retrieve a message off her answering machine, put the tarp back on her car (which btw I can't imagine how she does this by herself!). Then just as we were saying goodbye on her porch she realized that she had locked herself out of the house! Don't panic, there's�a hide-a-key hidden on the porch, so as I reached under the railing for the box all I found was a magnet - no box, no key! Still she's cool, I on the otherhand wondered where this was going and when I'd be on my way, back to the chores of my day. But in a flash I managed to find the box, it had fallen between the garden rocks below and was covered by leaves.

It's always an adventure with her, I hope to know her for a good long time. I hope I'm of�more use than bother to her.�

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26
Jun 2008
2:01 AM PDT
   

Reassurance

Today's the day.

I've got to keep moving, there remains so much to do. Time keeps ahead of me, calling to me that I haven't done this or that.

Now and then I get that funny feeling in my stomach that makes me scared. I always get that feeling before a major event in my life. I worry so much about the 'what ifs' in life. I know this about me so that helps deal.

�Journaling over the years has helped me tremdously, I've seen my fears chase me down time and time again, usually I find that I'm running from nothing, and if there were any reality to the fears I can see that I'm able to rise above and survive them.

I've gotten through alot and I'll get through this too.

I'm making it sound horrible but it isn't! I just react to things in this way. I hear myself thinking, "I wish this were over", how stupid, wishing my life away like that. I want to enjoy the milestones of my life, I want to be in the moment, embrace the changes as they come.

I'm still that scared little girl, she never knew what to expect. She needed someone to tell her "Everything's going to be alright" but�she never had that. I try to give myself that now. I'm here to help her, I feel the scaries and I see her start to hide, start to freak out even. I then have to put on my grown-up hat and gently coax her along to the next thing till she see's there is nothing to be afraid of.

I don't take all the credit though, I lean on Bear. He is my rock, I can always count on him. He's got the "Yes I can!" attitude and he's usually right. We talked about the "To Do" list last night and broke it down to the daily chores. It still appears that there will be a mountain to climb on Saturday but we'll get there.

This day�will be as nice as it can be. I�hope my daughter�will remember it fondly. I�hope our guests come away feeling the love in our family for our daughter and the woman she will be sharing her life with.

Everything's going to be alright.

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    About Me: I'm a wife for life. Mother of four, grandmother of three. And then there's ME, I like scarie movies, Stephen King books, cross-stitching, gardening, exercising with my gal-pals, walks with my boyfriend and Chardonnay at the end of the day.