Phyl's Flashes

 
    
23
Jan 2009
1:42 AM PDT
   

I'm Trying

I laughed last night, I laughed until I cried. I felt it turning into sadness and I forced myself to�not leave the room, stay and keep watching the video with Bear and Sean. I wanted to them to see me be normal again.�

I had to tell myself, "it's ok to laugh". I have to forgive myself, I have to know that it was the right decision. I have to remind myself that he's in a better place, that he's no longer in pain, that he's free now, he's happy.

It is so surprising how hard it hits me that he's not here and he's never coming back.�There is no bark when the doorbell rings. The silence actually hurts me. The spot where his pillow has been�is empty, there is no water bowl to keep an I on, and no wet paws to be cleaning up after when it's raining - like today.�I feel so lonely, so enormously alone.�

It's shocking how fast and strong�the tears come when that finality�hits me. I�feel embarrassed, Bear and Sean aren't acting any different. I know they care, I know they loved him but it's just different for them. I think Bear understands me but Sean�doesn't want to see me this way. I get that, he wants his mom to handle it, get over it, be strong. I will, I'm trying.�

I found some information on the vet's website that helped me yesterday. It tells that it's normal to feel this loss�in much the same way that I'd feel the loss of a person. It's going to take time, I'll get through it, I'll miss him but he'll always be in my heart. ���

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    About Me: I'm a wife for life. Mother of four, grandmother of three. And then there's ME, I like scarie movies, Stephen King books, cross-stitching, gardening, exercising with my gal-pals, walks with my boyfriend and Chardonnay at the end of the day.