Phyl's Flashes

Apr 2009
12:22 AM PDT

The Inside Circle

I've spent too much time on the outside looking in to recognize what it's like to be�an insider.

That's what I'm afraid of and�that I might sabotage myself with my father and his family. I am told that I am�"family", they have been including me since Shirley's illness and death. Lisa and Dad at least, are calling and saying all the right words, I have a really good vibe when I'm around them and want to be more and more. But the doubts creep in my thoughts after a little bit, like when I called to see how his dr. appt. went he�said�that I didn't need to call. I played it off but felt the wall come up. That's something you tell an outsider not your daughter. Hmm..thinking�here now that I've reread that last paragraph -�that's about him, yes!

See? I think my own insecurities�about his love for me�run around in my mind and might�try to keep things from changing. When I lay my 'cards' on the table I can see that my relationship with him is getting much better and that has to remain�the focus and don't let my 'little abandonded girl' do the interpreting of his words/actions. She doesn't trust him and rightfully so. But I'm in charge now, I can and will protect her from being hurt. I can speak for her and give her what she needs.�Speaking of 'needs' �I have the strongest feeling that he's the dependent one in this relationship. I think he's most comfortable with people that don't need anything from�him emotionally speaking.

I have to remind myself everytime I feel...what is it?...happy? excited? hopeful? not sure exactly, maybe something like those, anyway when I get that feeling, I immediately think to myself, "hold it, don't make any conclusions just yet, don't be expecting too much cause you got to keep the old man from running". I am almost convienced that that's what he's most attracted to in Lisa, she's a very strong, independent woman and I know, for myself,�she makes me feel very comfortable around her, I see that he definately does�too.

There has to be a balance though, if I project too much independence it could look like I'm standoffish and if I lean on him too much he'll topple over. It's a tightrope at this point.

I really needed to get these thoughts down and out of my head. In time I will see, things will work out and everything's going to be fine.

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