I've spent too much time on the outside looking in to recognize what it's like to be an insider.
That's what I'm afraid of and that I might sabotage myself with my father and his family. I am told that I am "family", they have been including me since Shirley's illness and death. Lisa and Dad at least, are calling and saying all the right words, I have a really good vibe when I'm around them and want to be more and more. But the doubts creep in my thoughts after a little bit, like when I called to see how his dr. appt. went he said that I didn't need to call. I played it off but felt the wall come up. That's something you tell an outsider not your daughter. Hmm..thinking here now that I've reread that last paragraph - that's about him, yes!
See? I think my own insecurities about his love for me run around in my mind and might try to keep things from changing. When I lay my 'cards' on the table I can see that my relationship with him is getting much better and that has to remain the focus and don't let my 'little abandonded girl' do the interpreting of his words/actions. She doesn't trust him and rightfully so. But I'm in charge now, I can and will protect her from being hurt. I can speak for her and give her what she needs. Speaking of 'needs' I have the strongest feeling that he's the dependent one in this relationship. I think he's most comfortable with people that don't need anything from him emotionally speaking.
I have to remind myself everytime I feel...what is it?...happy? excited? hopeful? not sure exactly, maybe something like those, anyway when I get that feeling, I immediately think to myself, "hold it, don't make any conclusions just yet, don't be expecting too much cause you got to keep the old man from running". I am almost convienced that that's what he's most attracted to in Lisa, she's a very strong, independent woman and I know, for myself, she makes me feel very comfortable around her, I see that he definately does too.
There has to be a balance though, if I project too much independence it could look like I'm standoffish and if I lean on him too much he'll topple over. It's a tightrope at this point.
I really needed to get these thoughts down and out of my head. In time I will see, things will work out and everything's going to be fine.
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