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I need to get some balls that's for sure!! I need to stop talking about it and just freaking do it.....get out there meet guys, loose the weight and get fit and most importantly start contracting!! I mean really what am I afraid of? failure? being laughed at? mocked? told i knew you couldn't do it but I know that I can do all those things just need some self discipline and a plan!! man plan, body plan and job plan. stop complaining about it and do something about it!! easier said than done?? hahaha! I mean I'm pretty fucking great and I need to start believing that and living the life that I see for myself.....the life I feel I can get and it's so close.

Somedays I yearn for your touch,

While others I run from your clutch...

I wish I could forget you,

But your like that unwanted tatoo...

Etched in my heart,

With no end or start...

Somedays your all I want,

So much that your smile is like a painful taunt...

You once held me close,

And picked me up off my toes...

�

But all has�been�forgotten,

As quickly as it�once was started...

�

�

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Normally I wouldn't consider myself as a weak person, but...tonight I realized how much more work I had ahead of me... and I feel so overwhelmed by all of this. I know that I shouldn't complain and just be happy to be one of the lucky people who would wish to be in my place, but sometimes it just tires me. I feel like I haven't really done a lot, but I feel so tired, as if I've done everything I could possibly do. I'm talking nonsense right now.... I just want to talk or in this case write whatever I want to write, even if it doesn't make sense, and why am I explaining myself to a computer now???

hayayay...whatever.... I wish everything would be over and done. not really, it might be too fast... haysh!!! i don't know, i think to much, but it is not what i want or need to think about.

i should be thinking of math and econ, not what is going to happen to my life, or how do i really feel about my current life, or whatever else that i don't really need to be thinking about.....hay!

oy oy....God gave me this brain, but you know what� God? i can't control my own brain! it doesn't follow what I want it to think about. anyways.......... i will try, once more, to let my brain concentrate on this econ book. bye bye!

So no more Mike......he invited me to a concert tomorrow night that i would really like to go with him but i haven't heard from him really in two weeks and that is just not what I'm looking for so (all over texts...lame) I had to tell him gently that he was fantastic but i'm looking for something a little more serious and not a every two week thing....he said that was fair and he wasn't in that place right now to be very serious which i figured hince there every two week get together of dinner and fucking which don't get me wrong was fun and all and helped me get over my hump but truthfully I just want more attention....so he said that was fair and he was just young and that I'm really great and I won't be single for long which is nice to say but who knows this dating takes a lot out of ya. so hard to trust people and put yourself out there but i guess the effort will get you a reward in the end right? hahaha anyway girls where proud of me and said i had balls and was strong but really i just know myself and I knew because i did really like him and wanted to seriously date him that it wasn't fair for me to put that out there when i knew two weeks ago that it's not what he wanted. so got to find someone else!! keeping the eye open that's for sure and need to get more ballsy i think start approaching men putting it out there more I guess. who fucking knows!!

off to see new moon tomorrow!!! so excited!! Team Jacob!!! hahaha

Leben ist anstrengend, intensiv, sch�n und schauerlich zugleich. Es ist ein Experiment mit�offenem Ausgang: �Testen, pr�fen, versagen, gewinnen. Jede Versuchsreihe f�hrt zu anderen Ergebnissen.�Leben hei�t, mit H�hen und Tiefen umgehen zu m�ssen. Leben hei�t, heute noch nicht alle Antworten zu haben. Es gibt aber immer noch eine Alternative: den Tod.

Leben bedeutet aber auch sch�ne Momente erleben zu k�nnen. Ein L�cheln, ein freundliches Wort, H�hepunkte und das Wunder des eigenen K�rpers. Das bietet der Tod nicht. Es sei denn man erwartet Jungfrauen im Paradies, aber ist die Vorstellung, diesen unerfahrenen Dinger erst in dir Kunst des Liebens und Verw�hnens beibringen zu m�ssen, wirklich erstrebenswert? F�r mich nicht.�Da bevorzuge ich das irdische Fleisch und Blut in all seinen Unzul�nglichkeiten.

Und der TOD? Er ist das unvermeidliche Ende, das jeden von uns erwartet. Er bedeutet mir Freiheit und Unbeschwertheit, aber eben auch Ende, Ende neue Erfahrungen zu sammeln. Ende stolz sein zu k�nnen, dass ich wieder um eine Erfahrung reicher geworden bin. Ende von Freundschaften, Ende von Genuss.

Dieses Ende selber herbeizuf�hren ist zwar tabu, doch der Gedanke allein ist verf�hrerisch, wenn ich mir mal wieder zu viel aufgeladen habe, oder mir zu viel aufgeladen wurde. Ich wei� nicht, was schlimmer ist: wenn ich mir mein Versagen eingestehen muss, weil ich schon wieder meine Kr�fte falsch eingesch�tzt habe. Oder, wenn andere mich zum Zusammenbruch bringen. Es bleibt der fade Geschmack des eigenen Versagens.

Und doch, sage ich heute: Ich werde leben. Der Tod muss warten. Ich habe noch zu viel vor.

Sollte er jedoch an meine T�r klopfen, werde ich mit ihm gehen; nicht nur, weil mir nichts anderes �brig bleibt, sondern weil ich ihm die Weisheit zutraue, dass er wei�, wann der richtige Zeitpunkt ist.�

so im still at school and im soooooo bored.!!!!!!! but im happy also. i get to go hang out with my bf. just me and him. FINALLY! we haven't been alone in so long. but oh well. hanging out with bf and friends at the same time is cool and fun. except when they start to embarasse you. :) but i love them. bniacw... haha. bye

It's been a while hasn't it.. hmm.. but during theses last few weeks.. I've experienced the worst thing in my whole life. My mom passed away.. and I can't tell you how bad that hurts.. you see it all started one day before halloween on the 30th. Everything was perfect, a normal day with my mom until the night. I couldn't hear her crying.. because when I go to sleep i sleep like a baby. So as soon as my dad came he took her to the hospital because she kept throwing up.. and her stomach hurted.. I couldn't believe it when my aunt called early in the morning telling me if i know how my mom was.. I was like umm idk they weren't home when i woke up so im not sure.. and she told me that my mom went to the doctor because she was really sick.. and i couldnt go back to sleep.. i waited for an hour in the living room just waiting for my mom to get back.. and nothing.. people kept calling and calling which was making me even more nervous.. i called my dad and he said she was ok? but i heard something in his voice which i knew he was lying.. An hour later my mom called me.. She sounded so sick.. i never heard her sound like this.. She told me to call veri and i did and as soon as i told veri she came from worj and we headed to the hospital.. we went and i saw her and she looked really sick.. The doctor came in to tell us she had diabetes and her blood sugar was extremly high.. when he was telling us what was wrong with her..

i remember thinking to myself.. "we are going to have to make extreme changes in our life.. I dont want her to get even sicker".. I stayed all day with her.. didn't leave the hospital at all.. they had to transfer her to another hospital and she asked me to go with her and of course i wanted to go with her.. we went to san francis and I was with her.. she kept throwing up.. and I hated seeing like that.. Stupid nurses never came to help her once.. i called and no response.. the nurse before said i couldnt stay because i was underage.. i wanted to stay so bad i didnt want to leave her... i didnt want to go when i knew she was like that.. i feel guilty.. as if i could have done something to help her..... :( the next morning.. the doctor came in and said she was worst that it seemed.. they automatically took her into intensive care.. when i saw her.. she had so many machines on her... it hurt so bad.. who knew that , that was the last time i would ever talk to her again.. she begged me and screamed at me to take the machines off... she called me over and held my hand tight and told me "no llores ok"� and when she said that tears begain to roll down my cheek.. and i softly nodded.. " okay" i said sobbing..� that was the last conversation i had with her...

things started to get worse.. before we knew it she was in a comma.. n then a day later.. she was declared brain dead.. when i found out was when i was in the car.. i saw jose crying.. and� i asked what happened and he told me she was brain dead... that teared my heart.. i began to cry and cry.. and so did my dad.. i remember my dads words.. he told me " ya sabes el valor que es una madre.." that brought me into more tears..

Im sorry mommy... im sorry for being such a horrible daughter never helping out.. always fighting with you.. never appreciating the person you were.. im sorry ... im sorry im sorry... i never got to tell you how much i love you!! you mean more to me than anyone in this whole universe!! I never thought youd go away like this i hate it.. i need you... i want you.. i cant live without you.... i still feel this is a dream... i feel like its a horrible nightmare that i cant wake up from.. i want to wake up... but i cant.. its a never ending nightmare...�

those words left unspoken to you... those times i got you mad... those times i behaved bad... im sorry.. im sorry.. im sorry.... i cnt tell you how much im sorry.. im lonely.. you were the only person who honestly was always there for me.. i know i complained at times but you were the perfect mother... i will remmeber you everyday of forever.. n i promise you mommy ima make you proud.. i want to soo bad.. i wish you were here with me though.. and its gonna be harder on me since im the youngest of your 3 kids... i need you more than they do..

Im motherless now.. she will be in my heart forever but i want her physically with me.. but this is no dream... it reality..

and reality is cruel........