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I tried to go the whole day without any pills, and then comes the night and I am wide awake. I am having a withdraw and paniking, resisting to take another. I want to stop and have a normal life. I want to fall asleep without any drugs. Occasions became daily consumpsion. My blood pressure is high and I am trying everything to keep it low. but I cannot stop taking all these pills. Such an unbalanced life cycle I can no longer control. I don't know whats gona happen to me, I just know I have a lot of things to do tomorrow.

When someone let's you down, it's the worst feeling on earth.

When you're reminded of it, that's just like dying.

Why? ..Most of us want to know why that person did such a thing to us. Simple. Out of sight is truly out of mind. The easiest thing for a person that's embaressed or ashamed, or one that has a very low self-esteem is to exit. "Escapism". So they turn their back on the mess they made, and just walk away.

Where's Karma? Where's the Universal Law? Where's the Law and the Prophets? I guess I'll never know.

There's a lot I'll never know. It's not like you get to sit back and watch the movie. You kind of have to deal with it as it happens... to you.

I know I stopped this again... but I really need the outlet... at least I can realize that right?

I'm really tired of people and their bullshit... I don't even feel like other people sometimes >_<</p>

our friend dorthy passed away.It just breaks my faith in the holy spirit,jesus christ,lamb of god his word and god himself. Agin, which has been happening for sevarl years now... and is happening over and over and over all the time. Faith and then no faith.. Peace in my spirit.. and then none.... no answers from the holy spirit. nothing of caLVERY OR HIS SON ALIVE. of calvery regarding my daughter AND WHAT IS HAPPENING BETWEEN HIM AND HER ME AND HER AND THE REST OF US,ABSOULTLY NOTHING IN MY OPIONION,  SHE IS TOTALLY ATHEIST AND HATES ME BLAMING ME FOR EVERYTHING IN HER LIFE AND NO ANSWERS TO ANY PRAYER ABOUT THIS. sHE WHOLE HEARTLY despises and hates me now AND HAS BEEN TURNED TOTALLY AGINST ME AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY., no answers.. from heaven OR EVEN FROM HER OR ANYONE ELSE. on waether my mother is dead or alive... no answer, as to why  MY family  NOW hates and disowns me WHEN THEY DID NOT IN THE PAST. i feel he has given the devil  A EVIL SPIRIT OR SPIRITS, a playground in our  HUMAN spirits, IN OUR hearts ,self ,soul ,and mind. CONDEMING US THROUGH THE BLOOD OF THE LAMB AND HIS LOVE AND HIS WORD BECUSE WHAT IS HAPPENING IS TOTALLY AGINST EVERYTHING HE SAYS IN HIS WORD AND HE FAILD ME MISERABLY BY CONTINUEING TO DO ABSOULTLY NOTHING AT ALL ABOUT IT TURNING HIS ALL KNOWING ALL POWERFUL ALL PRESENT BACKS ON US AND JUST WATCHING LIKE THAT DOES ANY OF US ANY SALVATION AT ALL YEA RIGHT. i AM TOTALLY CONVINCED OF THIS TOTALLY BY WHAT I FEE,HEAR AND SEE FROM HIM AND EVERY OTHER SPIRIT. MEANING HUMAN THAT ARE REALATED TO ME IN MY FORMER FAMILY FAMILY THAT LOVED GOD AND ME THAT I GREW UP WITH, AND SPIRITS OF THE  OTER WORLD AFTER WE DIE..  I BELIEVE THIS  statement whole hardly AND COULD NEVER BELIEVE ANYTHING ELSE BY WHAT I AM EXPEREINCEING INSIDE ME AND OUT SIDE OF ME NUTS OR WHAT EVER. NON BELIEVERS SAY IM NOTS OTHERS WHO THE HELL CARES WHAT THEY SAY THERE NOT GOING THROUGH THIS IN ME I AM ALONE OBVIOUSLY. and am totalyy convinced of  THIS. so i hurt. in my spirit. the fruits of the spirit are not in  ME AT LALL I CANT EVEN PUT ON A HAPPY FACE ENJOY LIFE OR PLAY PRETEND ANY MORE EVEN THOUGH I HAVE A LOVING HUBAND AND FAMILY HIS MINE BY MARRIAGE ONLY WHILE HE HAS BOTH ME AND HIS FAMILY.. IT HURT S ME TO THE CORE OF MY SPIRIT AND BEING THAT GODS MERCY DOSNT EXIST FOR ME AND MY FAMILY BEFORE MARRIAGE.  or my atheist daughter  WHO IS SO BLIND SHE CANT EVEN PRAY OR HELP HERSELF IN ANYWAY. LIKE DEMONIC POESSION. AND  the family . THEY CANT OR WONT TURN AROUND EITHER AND I CANT EITHER IT EATS ME UP INSIDE THANK YOU JESUS HOLY SPIRT THANKS ALOT I COUNTED ON YOU AND BELIEVED YOU AND DAM IF I WAS MISTAKEN TO TRUST YOU AGIN DAMIT ANYWAY.that has turned there back on me... i pray the word, witness for him obey to the best of my human ability and it has counted for nothing for about 5 yrs or more not caring enough for me and mine to give an answer in a positive good way like he cliamed in the spirit of his holy word shame on me for thrusting shame on me im stupid . pray the spirit of the word and nothing. is i study the word i stay in the word i do everything he has said from his word and still unsanswered being totally hateful he and his word has turned his back on us totally  soemtimes i see his guidence through emails and messages from churches and websites but how do i know anyof his message is for me or mine when no answers to the prayers said for the 2nd or eternal death for grace love mercy and salvition through his spirit of his won words out of his mouth that hasnt happened or coem to pass . im at an all time low i cant fight this battle raging in my spirit anymore while i watch my shild as i sit here knowing that she could die anysecond and life for eternitiy in the damed from gods presence.  this is more then this human can cope with where is the truth in the spirit of gods word the bible why dosnt it come to pass for us????? 

wow its been a minute since i been on here...i think before summer..but yeah lots of shyt happened over the summer..all good tho nothing terrible happened this summer...i had fun fun fun...i got my car and all that good stuff and partied it up just about every single day...im still havin my fun tho on the weekends [and school nites] lol but yeah...i've been lookin for a job and all that good stuff and currently am tryin to stop smokin cigs but i kno as soon as payday comes around i'll be stickin it up again lol...soo yeah there was some drama this summer also and damn i dont kno where to begin wit it all...i've met a lot of new friends which its about time [no offense judi and jess] but they enjoy havin eachothers company 24/7 but when you get to goin different places u have to have a different type of person there wit you if that makes any sense at all...so yeah...i've been through fights with friends and family..been through about haha i aint even gonna say how many guys...lol me and my partner in crime were repeatedly told we were "boy crazy" but they didnt kno half of it...matter of fact they didnt kno any of it lol..but yeah i dont kno what else to say soo just leave me some comments about anythinggggggggggggggggggg

Patience.. is it truly a virtue?

Is it?

Can it be.. i mean ive waited for 2 years for the last guy i really wanted to be mine..

he comes to a realization 2 years later...

its been 2 years since ive been with him....

for 2 years hes waited on me..

love is such a crazy word for something that causes so much pain..

so much anger.. and grief..

so much stress...

hate..

hates sounds more appropriate..

love is cruel and evil..

i refuse to waste more time....

i was totally happy with wasting my time with a man that would never commit to marriage.. because i didnt plan on getting married anytime soon..

and for the most part we were living happily together..

now im living a nightmare..

i get looked at like a vagrant..

he cooked me breakfast...

im not sure if that was just cause he was up cookin..

or because he wanted to...

my heart aches so bad i want to combust..

i think time away will do me good..

hes doing what he wants to do anyways..

he always has..

its me..

that has learned patience....

its me that has learned.. heartache..

i felt better just blatantly being betrayed because at least that guy flat out told me..

i think its the trait of a coward.. who cant discuss thier feelings and let other ppl know what was going on.

But its clear.. crystal..

as always i have a very clear path that im going to take..

i will not deviate..

i have gone too far off course already..

all because of a man.. who had a hole in his heart..

that i wanted to fill..

but hes left me heartless..

i woulda took just the hole..

but the absense completely.. has me thrown.

im off balance..

i have to find my balance again..

i need to put my feet back on solid ground...

time will tell..

who knows..

Sorry i havnt been on in such a while i no longer live with my parents so dont get to update much. i have got my own flat now i live with my partner and my son. Everything in pretty good tyler is more content and iam alot happier having a bit my independance and a bit more of a routine with tyler. Things havnt been to great between me and steven there is not give or take with him he never meets me half way. and i avoid arguing as much as i can coz he always walks out and i hate it, its not fair on me or tyler. i feel like most days i do everything the cleaning the cooking the washing and dealing with tyler bathing him feeding him etc etc ...... most the time things are ok just some days he can be really selfish. I feel like i dont exsist we are really struggling with money as he lost his job the first week we moved in so things are tight i feel like i have no nice clothes i never feel attractive. He never makes me feel attractive. we dont make love as much as we used to there must be something wrong with me he just not as interested only when he wants it and how he wants it what ui want never seems to matter i made myself look real nice the other day i looked feminen and attractive i felt really good and my sister said i looked nice and made a nice effort. All steven could say was ........why? i dont think he meant it to sound the way it did but i just feel like he never notices me. we never go out coz we are so skint i mean dont get me wrong things are good it just the lil things u know seem to be fading away a bit. anyway gotta go and shouldnt moan there are still people worse off then me .

Hey Guys! Summer is nearly over and i must say its been fun, I saw STep up 3D for the 5th time today. And LOVED IT!
Thats how iv been pending my summer, Going to the movies! Im obsessed with Dance films. And Moose <3