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I guess I'll start with....her father is getting better at being there for her.  And your right--it's not just about the money for me; and no I don't think he's an a-hole.  She wants his attention and he's getting better.  Other than that, I think I'm in a long-distance relationship with a friend I recently reconnected with.  It's been a long time since I've felt this good.  I can't wait for my daughter to meet him and his daughter.  He is a single father, raising his 10 y.o. daughter.  I like the fact that we are getting re-familiar with each other first!!!  I do have some reservations but my happiness is long overdue.  We'll see how this thing goes.  Oh...and he loves the Lord as much as I do.....(and that is a major plus for me).

-sighs-

I hate it when my bro is in his room. I can't look for stuff. STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID. I need my ipod's usb cable. NOW. How am i supposed to sync my other songs in. Plus, hes in a bad mood so chances are that even IF i knock on his door he'd tell me to fuck off.-Sad. I know.  - Waiting for my phone bill to come. 'cause then that would mean i would have unlimited texting which is REALLY bothering me because i feel the need to text. I have so much to say. Talking on the phone is soOOOOO yesterday. Literally.-----love love love my phone. love it. SOOOOOO MUCH.-----I know.. i'm not really typing anything "real"  I'M JUST TRYING TO WASTE TIME. cuz sooner or later he will come out of his room and go shower... cuz he stinks. then i could go in reeeeeeeeal quick and find what i'm looking for.

Now if you'll excuse me... i'm gonna go tell him that he stinks. REAL BAD.

love

blahbee ANNOYED

What to say? What to say? I have an idea! How crazy. I just went to Florida and it was absolutely amazing. I'm so freaking tan now. Its kick ass. Because up her in New York (near Canada land of the moose, right above us...) we've got snow like crazy. I mean down in the middle of the united states, theyre all omg weve got an inch of snow lets close school for a month! not even kidding. How did I get so off topic? no clue. check me out www.myspace.com/kaitygirl214  peace! 

Hey just wanted to say our first friendly date didn’t end up happening, we did have a minor argument, but it all good, we made up. Its our 12th week since we first met, and this are like up and down, there are times when she’s interested and there are time she is just not in the mood to talk. But the times where she is into the conversation its amazing its like am moment, and I feel it inside me that she likes me.

But she did tell me she is starting to like me like 2 weeks ago, so I don’t know if the situation is still the same or got better. But i am doing my best, I can say that if I take my sweet time with Nevena, we will become more than friends.

We were suppose to chill this Monday which was changed from Saturday due to bad weather, and the fact that she was busy. So yea Monday was cancelled, 3rd time this happened. Well she said she is still coming thrusday to Sheridan with me. But I am sure she’s going to cancel like she did the last 3 times.

My mom got a flat tire on the silver van, and I am hoping my dad still lets me take the red 1 to college. So its easier for me to take Nevena to Sheridan. I am kind of hoping that her best friend Linda dosent come so me & Nevena can spend some quality time together withough linda or any1 else bothering us.

I don’t know why for some reason, there are times where she likes me, and there are times where shes not sure. I don’t know what I am doing wrong but I would love it if me and her can work it out. She said to me “I just wanna take things really slow, so I know forsure that I feel the same way... I don't wanna just, go out and then realize I don't feel the same way.. I just wanna take things slow and be friends for now.” i can wait, the slower we go the better it is for us, i respect her decision and support it. But if she can give me a sign, once I na while to hang in there I be happy. I just don’t wanna end up in a situation where I wait for her for like year or 2 then, in the end I don’t get her or it dosent work out.

Now I really like her, and wanna work things out, but I guess I gotta wait…

Okay, so I love this song called "Defying Gravity" from the broadway musical, Wicked. Whether it be the broadway version or the version Idina Menzel(Elphie) turned into a single for her CD, whenever I listen to it, during the highest point portion of the song, I get goose bumps. This song is so inspirational.

This song talks about, just what the title states, defying gravity. True, unless you are a bird, or some one who hasn't been detected by the Government to be able to levitate yet, then this is ALL just metaphorical.

However, the metaphorical sense is probably about the best sense, because it lifts up your mood and just how you are!

To defy gravity, this means to not let things get you down! Defy whatever is getting you down, whether it be: life, parents, boyfriends, girlfriends, or even friends, work, school, the economic downturn this country has seen.

I have taken on this attitude in the last year, and it has helped TREMENDOUSLY! Life truly is what you make it, so when life gets you down, defy it! If you're flying solo, at least you're flying free!

Don't play by the rules of someone elses game...trust your instincts, close your eyes, and leap..Try defying gravity.

Don't accept limits just cause someone says they're so...There are some things you cannot change, but you won't know until you try...All of this and more is in the song. True, some words are in the broadway version that aren't in Menzel's version...

I have turned this song, "Defying Gravity," into a personal philosophy of defy gravity...I don't let things get me down. True, this mindset may make me seem cocky, but in truth this has made me more sure of myself, more confident, and a stronger person.

We all have the ability to defy gravity...sometimes it takes someone, to either push you over the edge to where you can't take it anymore, or someone to tell you that someone is opressing you so much that you need to defy them!

"Tell them how I am defying gravity, I'm flying high defying gravity..." Tell that to those who wish to keep you, your sould, your mind, your spirit grounded.

Defy Gravity, Defy life, Defy them all!

Noon: I can start updating again.  Someday I'll write about why I had to stop for so long.

- Dirty Girl & I will be moving into a new house this week.  Two move events, Friday-Sun, and then Monday the movers come to get the big/heavy stuff

*********

8AM - Must finish SuperSearch systems Edison & Tesla by Friday 8/28.

9AM - WAS Upgrade meating with Peter & the rest of the upgrade team.  They need both NWIE VM images set up by Friday also.

Since 10am this morning I've been working on ITP project, ME2:

- ITP ME2 servers are moved to Columbus

- Cuervo and I are re-ip'ing them and trying to get them to start up normally in the new network space.  Stuffer was being a total pain in the arse for a while but I think I have him on-board with the action items.

- must edit /etc/ldap.conf & /etc/openldap.conf to add line:

nns_initgroups_ignoreusers root,ldap,named,avahi,haldaemon,dbus,satellite

- edit /etc/modules.conf & remove reference to pcnet32

- edit /etc/fstab and remove 3 lines added by vmware

- After demter & hestia are done, the rest of the boxes should come up without issue

- Forgot to change /etc/resolv.conf.  Hestia can't resolve anyone so she's not letting us in.  but that shouldn't happen with the nss line.  hmm.

- chkconfig off rhnsd & osad?

*********

4:40PM - every one of these servers are fucked.  none of them can get on the network to talk with their LDAP host, so none of them will let anyone log in.  What a fucking nightmare.  I have to break into every one of these machines and fix the configurations.

All of them get host name changes

IP addresses changed

Resolvers/Search

LDAP hosts

VMWare Tools

Loghosts

NTP host

Mail Relays

Backup Clients

This has to happen or it won't come online.  If it won't come online, you can't log in.  :)

*********

9:10PM

- Mr. T said that the firewall rules were just finished and the network is shut off on these servers until the IPs are changed etc.  No wonder we couldn't even ping gateway.  It would have been nice to be informed of that bit of trivia.

- fuckers -

- We're going to call it a day and sleep a bit if we can.

- AM - must talk to Cole and get my access level bumped up so I can initiate tool installs without hand holding.

 - Have to get nets turned on and test accesses.

 - Get Cuervo the info that he needs to carry this on without me, or with Stuffer. 

- Dirty Girl & I are going to meet Nikita to give her the $$ and get the $K.

 - I'll meet Grandpa Simpson and trade my Mercedes for his Suburban for the weekend.  Dirty Girl takes Scooby to work, I bring Suburban back here and finish Oracle server build for WAS Project, and get UID's created on Edison & Tesla for Country Boy, Becky, and Kipper.

*******

Calling it a night, logging out of work.  Going to start tearing down the other computers and prepping them for the move.

******

4 real I dont care anymore, I just want it to be over. Iam tired of living a damn lie. I have tried to accomodate him but it just doesnt work. the more I give the more he wants. He is a leach, his sister called me on xmas eve. that was her dumb ass mistake! I am confident he wants to do everything in his will to stay connected me, however I cant stay connected to him. The relationship/marriage is poisoned and toxic because of his drinking, smoking weed and outright paranoia. As was told to me he does have a lot of issues, Iam not negating my own. But damn I cant fuck with him, he has brought me to an all time low. It is too much for me to deal with, my son's cant stand the air he breathes. There's a song that is appropriate for this moment Since you been gone".

Last night when I came home reign was there, I am not in the mood to baby sit which is the reason I stop having kids. Now he is here @the y with us and dj thinks he's going to sack me with him. Not happening. this time  is for me to relax. I did not agree to watch him.

over the weekend I spoke to my father about john, he gave some good advice. I spoke to john this afternoon, he was beligerent as usual. Y is it that he cant figure  out that women dont like to be treated like shit. He walked of his job, without regard for us. I think he is trying to get me evicted by not man-ning up. Anytime he getsf a piece of money he does a disappearing act. Y  keep coming back when he's broke and hungry. Iam not his momma. that seems to be what he is looking for. I can not raise a 35 year old man. He had the fucking audacity to say he was going to bring his son to MY HOME. JOHN didnt bring a fucking piece of bread in the house. When there wasnt anything to eat in the house he told me verbatim "fuck you and your kids". So y would he expect me to feed his son, whom I dont care for. Plus he isnt my responsibility, john doesnt watch my kids even when he is in the same house with mine. y should I do him any favors, he was a dead beat prior to meeting me. He told me my son has an Oedipis complex. How can a  man who has never had a stable relationship with his own quantify mine as inappropriate.


Maybe one day love will come in the form of the opposite sex, for now I will love my self. Of course I will be selfish, I should take care of myself. I am getting older,yet I dont with certainty what brings me happiness. what I do know is that contentment comes from with in. hmmmm hopefully, when I return home it will be my home! perhaps his father will help him get his shit. I cant forward with him, he is a leach a drawback. Anytime I try to go forward he draws me back with his negativity, doubts,insecurities, just bullshit. He's afraid to do anything different so we both should remain stagnate.

Today is the day I take control of my life, no excuses, no placing blame. Its all bout me, well according to him it has always been about me lol1

Well. SO MANY THINGS HAVE HAPPEND! since the last time ive been on here...that boy i was talkin to last..we dated..he was more than just a normal boy && i figured that out not in a well way. im not even too sure what happend still to this day..the middle of summer happend. he found a hotter girl..who didnt want him like i wanted him. but thats his mistake. in a way i felt like i made some BIG mistakes with him..i didnt know how to handle this 19 year old male who wants sex all the time. but i remember that night hanging out with him ..when he cut it off between us, as in dating. he tried to be so casual with it but i knew what that ass was going for. "this is our last night together so lets fuck" thats not the way he said it but thats how i heard it. but after him..i tried to be more cautious but theres been a few boys ive made out with..thats it..since him. he was my last serious deal. i need another one. its been too long && im not one to usually say that. but all these boys that i made out with...were for the wrong reason. i was using them for money, weed, drugs, alcohol...ya know the deal. i hooked up with 2 dealers..&& i got the deal...but wouldnt ever want a relationship with them. my mom would kill me if she found out i was datin the 20 year old mexican mafia dealer...the other one being 22...the 20 year old was sweet though...&& i might've but it wouldve been something on the low. my sisters couldnt even know. but then he disappeared the lene tex && like other mexican mafia drug dealers..they had warrants out the ass && couldnt get caught, so he said he was going out of town && he would be back but he never was. i would get random phone calls from him && we would talk forever..id let him know everything goin down in town..the business && what not.

but im falling apart...gaining weight which doesnt make sense..i guess because im not in sports anymore. i wanna live those days we were living last year at this time. i cant take this reminiscing anymore! it drives me nuts. i dont even party that much anymore..if u call sitting at your house drinkin with a few folks partyin then i am but thats not what i consider partying in my eyes. ive become a drug dealer in most peoples eyes. just get that little quick && make money && smoke for free. i feel as if school is going down drain too..but the grades dont show it. im making it. attendance shows it though..i cant help it! ugh! i cant write about my life anymore.