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How long does one stay where they know they were not ment to be? How long does one go on missing the one who really loved them and protected them? How long does no trust in anyone last?

�Lately I've been really down and depressed. I haven't been able to find good things to take interesting pictures of. I've been kind of discouraged in the whole "photography" part of my life. There's other people on dA who have much better art and pictures than me. Why can't I be as good?

today has been miserable, beaten by my mother for talking back and being stubborn, sick and losing my voice, and arguing with my loser bf about getting a job, studing for his GED and getting his tags on his car so he can come see me, which requires a birth certificate which he doesnt have, and all in all i end up staying home alone like a loser on a friday night with nothing to do. i jas i don like who i am. im that loser gurl that sits home on a saturday with nothing todo. and all i can do is wonder why? why im i here? is it because im thicker, is it because im not pretty? is it because im a bitch? is it because i moved here last year? i mean what is wrong with me? im so confused. i just hate who i am. im that bum gurl..all i can think to fix this problem is to lose weight, and to keep saving up money for a car that way i can get out of this dam house and go places and meet people and have fun. its just takin so long. and i keep on fkn up on tryin to lose weight. i just dont know where to go from here. and my bf doesnt make it any better since hes 45 min away. i just wish sometimes i could wake up as another gurl. the beautiful one, or the smart one, the talented one, the popular one, i am the unknown. and im a fkn senior and i havent been to one BIG party in my life. its just so hard for me to adjust. everywhere i have ever lived i had a group of friends and i could of grown up with them and been happy but no. i just leave and move. and try to make good friendships all over again..but its hard. ive only been here for a lil over a year and so far ive been in out of girl groups its like i dont belong anywhere. i just feel left out, isolated, lonely, the only time i really feel happy is when im with him. because he makes me feel like im special.

pg.1

Hey, I'm Jennilee but you can call me Jenni.Even though your not a person I'm going to talk to you like you are.But before i start telling you things here are some things you need to know about me, I'm 12� I'm almost 13 (in another year on September 25, 2010 but it's not that far maybe), I'm a girl,female,chick whatever but you get the point I'm a girl.My best friends are Kimberly, Bianka, Dawn, and Dolores.They are the best (sometimes), we get in fights,what friends don't? I've had boyfriends 2 but I'll tell you about that next time but for now this is all you need to know about ME!!!

Scincerly yours,

Jenni

"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because

reality is finally better than your dreams."

I'll be honest.

I still have not stopped thinking about you.

I still feel butterflys whenever I see you.

I still daydream about you and I being together someday.

I still hope that one day you will look at me as more than a friend.

I still look forward to spending time with you.

I still look for you at school so I can get at least a glimpse of you.

I still admire your strength as well as your beauty.

I still can't help but smile whenever I see you.

I still yearn for your touch.

I still don't mind the teasing.

I still like your hugs more than anyone.

I still continue to get lost in your eyes.

I still enjoy talking to you.

I still look for a text or call from you on my phone.

I still can't help but be in love with you.

But I know, more than anyone,

My fantasies may never come true.

♥

�We listen to their cries of pain,

As we take the enemy's name in vein.

For they too think alike,

And release their rage with a terrible might.

So why a war, this war we fight,

Does peace not shed its golden light?

Instead we give eachother hell,

And along the way, others as well.

This war must end, some way, some how,

It must end not later, but now.

For in the end no one wins,

In the end it's only sins.

So why a war, this war we fight,

Is their no end in my sight?

Wenn wir zu viel wollen, ist das unser Untergang, so ist meine Erfahrung. Wobei die Unterg�nge nicht immer mit Haut und Haaren stattfinden. Je nach Auslastung und Anforderungen, die ich mir gesetzt habe, oder die in mich gesetzt wurden, erleide ich unterschiedlich Schiffbruch. Manchmal reicht ein Tag Entspannung, um wieder zu Kr�ften zu kommen. Manchmal sind Streitereien die Folge, die viel Glas zerst�ren und deren Scherbenhaufen lange brauchen, bis sie restlos aufgekehrt sind.

Wie passt das zusammen mit dem, was meine Kindheit und Jugendzeit gepr�gt hat? Goethes Zitat "Wer immer strebend sich bem�ht, DEN werden wir erl�sen"; war Erziehungsmaxime, Ma�stab meines Handelns und Wollens. Heute verwundert es mich nicht, dass ich diesem Druck nicht standgehalten habe, ja, nicht standhalten konnte.

So suchte und suche ich andere Werte. "Weniger ist mehr"; "Errare humanum est" = "Nobody is perfect"; "Der Weg ist das Ziel"; das sind S�tze, die mir heute mehr bedeuten sollten. Noch ist, rein biologisch, der Zeitraum meines Lebens l�nger, der mich hat streben lassen, doch hoffe ich, dass mir diese Werte im Laufe der Zeit zu eigen werden.�

Ob es wertvollere Maxime sind, wird die Zukunft zeigen.

She is definitely the most wonderful and beautiful woman, and i've spent so much time looking in a direction that was not Hers.� Now, i can see Her for Her.� i saw Her true self continuously for the first time this weekend, i will hold onto that, i will not let it go because of my insecurities about myself.� my insecurities have nothing to do with Her, She is by far more beautiful than i could have ever imagined to be possible.� i will attack Her, say bad things about Her, i will await Her time, when it is right for Her to talk to me, i will be patient, and if that means i must wait a month to speak with Her, even though it will hurt, and i will miss that beautiful smile, and voice, i will wait.� She is truly a gift from Heaven, and i will cherish that gift, and love Her in a way that is condusive to Her, if it's only loving Her as a friend, then that's what it must be.�

How wierd it is to say that I am looking for love..I do not mean SEX..which one can think about . The meaning that I have for love is something above it. Its the value to the relationship given and way its� expressed. Hope to find one soon...

12/12/09 7pm

Well, today I'm having some emotional struggles up and downs.� I've had moments that my heart jumps and think on how prior to exactly 7 days ago he used to always ask me if I still love him (constantly) and that If I was his, and I'd ask him if he's mine and that if he has eyes for me only or if he's always faithful to me while he's at work, he'd always answer yes and I'd always answer yes too.....� today, we don't care to ask that to each other any more.�

I found out he has been making "social" phone calls to different community hotlines for a while now..... when I first discovered it over 4 months ago he swore up and down that it was a co-worker who he was lending his phone to, yeah right!� I confronted him about a recent activity which happened to be on a day that I was visiting my mom who was sick over at a hospital which was over 1 1/2 hr drive.� When I discovered this he said it was not him, that the phone is acting up, he also did it during a day that we spent at DMV to inspect his vehicle to get it back on the road again.� WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?WHYYYYYYYYY????????????????? gosh, it hurts soooo much!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He finally admitted it, looked at my crying and swore that nothing bad ever happened, that he never spent a penny on it., and that he won't do it again because he loves me, I believe him.�

I won't lye, I've been checking the phone records, no sign of daring calls like that, but then I wonder if he's using his business phone to do those calls, or maybe even meet someone physically or be with someone physically while he's at work, I worry so much, it's not even funny.� It's very very very hard to trust him again.

Can someone outthere gimme please some encouraging words.� I'm hurting so much, I love this man soooooo much!

�

I REALLY LOVE THE MAN I'M WITH HE MEANS ALOT TO ME BUT WE ARE NOT THE SAME ANYMORE WE HAVE DRIFTED APART AND THE FIRE IS BURNING ON ITS LAST LOG I KNOW I MESSED UP OUR RELATIONSHIP FROM THE START BUT I CAN'T BEAT MYSELF UP ABOUT THAT IT WAS OVER A YEAR AGO NOW HERE I AM TRYING TO BE WITH A MAN AND WONEDERING AT THE SAME TIME DOES HE LOVE ME OR WILL HE TEAR MY HEART OUT. THE REASON FOR ME SAYING THIS IS BECAUSE WHEN I CHEATED HE CHEATED SO THERE WENT THE TRUST AND WE TRIED SEPARATEING BUT TADA HERE WE ARE AND NOW I'M BEYOND OF PUTTING STREETS IN OUR RELATIONSHIP AND STRIVEING TO GET BACK OUR SHINE HE HAS CHANGED AND ALL THE SIGNS ARE THERE FOR ME TO AT LEAST ASSUME HE'S CHEATING AND IF YOU HAVE BEEN CHEATED ON YOU KNOW WHAT SIGNS I'M TALKING ABOUT THE YES AND NO CONVERSATIONS,PUTTING THE PHONE ON SILENT OR HERE'S THEGOOD ONE NOT COMEING HOME HMM MAKES ME REALLY WONDER....