Ok...I hope my internet connection doesn't get lost again this time.
�Another day. I went to my new diabetic doctor today and she told me I look better.� I cant go�back to work yet. I need to get the blood sugars under better control. she raised my night insulin to 20 units but when I took the shot tonight I forgot to take the new amount and only took 18 units of long insulin tonight.
the doctor said that she went over my latest admissions and that I was NOT admitted for DKA like the doctors kept telling me I was admitted for.� The doctor wonders if my pancreas produces insulin and if I am even type 1 diabetic. Wow that would be wild that if I am a type 2 diabetic and I have been treated for 24 years as a type1.� I take blood test tomorrow to see how things are and find out what type of diabetic I am.
I went to GNC today with dad.� i got some low carb protein bars and got a bad stomach pains about an hour after I ate them. people in the group on line said that it could be cause the bars to "denise" and my pouch/stomach is still to new to be eating something like that!?� I have been so sick to my stomach and I wonder if it's from the protein bar.
my sugar was high and i took more insulin. it's a little below 200 right now.� I am VERY tired and think I am going to try to go to sleep.� i took some phegan for the stomach and it hasn't helped that much!
Ok..enough of my stomach pains...I am going to take my sleep meds!!� I go for blood work at 9:30 am� (fasting)� tomarrow at quest diagostic.� Lets see if thy can get a vein...Lets pray for for my veins. Ok...I will write you later---as if anyone actually reads this...So night!
Today's the day.
I've got to keep moving, there remains so much to do. Time keeps ahead of me, calling to me that I haven't done this or that.
Now and then I get that funny feeling in my stomach that makes me scared. I always get that feeling before a major event in my life. I worry so much about the 'what ifs' in life. I know this about me so that helps deal.
�Journaling over the years has helped me tremdously, I've seen my fears chase me down time and time again, usually I find that I'm running from nothing, and if there were any reality to the fears I can see that I'm able to rise above and survive them.
I've gotten through alot and I'll get through this too.
I'm making it sound horrible but it isn't! I just react to things in this way. I hear myself thinking, "I wish this were over", how stupid, wishing my life away like that. I want to enjoy the milestones of my life, I want to be in the moment, embrace the changes as they come.
I'm still that scared little girl, she never knew what to expect. She needed someone to tell her "Everything's going to be alright" but�she never had that. I try to give myself that now. I'm here to help her, I feel the scaries and I see her start to hide, start to freak out even. I then have to put on my grown-up hat and gently coax her along to the next thing till she see's there is nothing to be afraid of.
I don't take all the credit though, I lean on Bear. He is my rock, I can always count on him. He's got the "Yes I can!" attitude and he's usually right. We talked about the "To Do" list last night and broke it down to the daily chores. It still appears that there will be a mountain to climb on Saturday but we'll get there.
This day�will be as nice as it can be. I�hope my daughter�will remember it fondly. I�hope our guests come away feeling the love in our family for our daughter and the woman she will be sharing her life with.
Everything's going to be alright.
�
well every day seems to be a little better.� I was doing well until dinner time. I went to my friend's doctor with her and I ate my chicken on the way home. I was throwing up for a few hours after and with bad pain...like things were spazing!� OUCH!
I am watching TAPS on tv...Ghost hunters... and its almost 11pm...wow.� Think the ex step mom is seeing someone else....she got here at 10pm. she needs to move out and live on her own and stop living off my dad. IF she wants to be divorced then stop trying to live off my dad! She just pisses me off to no end. And if it wasn't for the fact I respect my father I would get so in her stupid face and tell her! No.. I am not mad...not me!
I see the diabetic doctor tomorrow. I know I am not ready to go back to work. maybe one more week.��I hope!� My sugar isn't stable enough. and I was so sick after eating the chicken tonight.� The air froze at dad's house and I am still staying here till I get better. but at least it wasn't a lot to get fixed!! Thank God!!
I am sooooo tired but I just want to watch this show. It's like I am watching law n order... I am now getting sick to my stomach.� i have been feeling that a lot lately.��I am going to ask the doctor about getting that med from Canada---you need a per scription to get it...go figure.
ok...I am going to go to sleep soon. For some reason when I try to hit the shift button to make the caps..it's not working. I need to get off this one med cause it's effecting my memory again.� I swear that's the reson! Honest Ok..Well it's time to take my meds so I can go to sleep soon!! I hope and pray!!
Today makes 8 days OUT of the hospital! THANK YOU GOD!!
Up on time today, which is to say before 8am.� Lately I've been setting the clock for 7:30 and hitting snooze once or twice before it ticks off 8.� I'm usually up, do my morning bathroom/medicine/feed the cats/make some coffee routine and hit the chair by 8:30.
-- Yesterday I cleaned up the office quite a bit while I was mulling over the PAM/LDAP stuff I have to do.� Finished up the bulk of the cleaning/reorganizing last night/early this morning and _finally_ hooked up the printer/fax/scanner.� Aside from all the books thrown all over this room, it's actually fairly well organized.� Every shelf is cluttered as hell, but at least I know what's what.
- Chez is on vacation starting the 1st.� Her last day at the office is this Friday, I asked her to go out for a beer or two after work as a sendoff.
-- Email from Mr. T. regarding Becky's operation.� She's out of surgery and doing better.� Remind me to send her a card.
09:00 - Carcass wants something done with wick/uw.� Once again, reminded her to send those requests to the OPS guys.
09:30 - Witty Jim wants access to genseed 207.� He's already got an acct with pw set.
- Note to self.� Juno is acting a little fucko on login.� After banner/motd it's hanging for 15-20 seconds before dropping to a prompt.� Find out why.
9:45 - Pooh Bear needs me to verify that libaio is installed on delphi.� It is.�
9:50 - Witty Jim needs his password reset on genseed 207.� done.
10:15 - Reading documentation from Sun regarding LDAP on Sol 9 4/04
10:50 - Jerry faxed a stack of docs for BTI meeting coming up.
11:00 - BTI Meeting with Jerry, Ratface & Witty Jim among others.
11:45 - Sent Cartman & Grandpa Simpson an email asking for port 27366 open to centaur.
�2:15 - / filled up on LM guiness 147.� Cleared out a few files in /tmp and /root.� The disk space is still reporting 100% after rm'ing files.� Bounced server & it's down to 59%.
2:25 - Matt T. needs apache user pw on PFF dev.
2:35 - Pooh Bear says that the updated libaio package on delphi is probably the source of our incompatibilities and wants me to downgrade.� I'm going to go look for a downgrade package.
Hey...sorry i havent writen in a while...busy n didnt really have a lot to say till now because.....
i got a call from the ex...yup he called really didnt think he would...i changed my number to kinda get rid of hime but after i changed it i felt� bad...i missed hearin his voice, him callin me all the time, but i was afrais he wasnt coming back...well i told him that n he said he promised...he didnt tho....i was cryin and everything....he wanted an exuce from me for why i changed my number....so i told him...i had nothin n i didnt i sent him everything i had....every 2wks i would send him money from my paycheck n it killed me....i miss him and i dont know why...like i told him theres something about him that cant get away from...i dont know what to do w/him...i dont know if he'll call me again or anything......i miss him sooo much in all the calls
Alright, I've only got a few minutes. Spent too much time reading from the "View Random" selections, interesting what people want to take note of.
Anyway, as for me I've got my busy day ahead. It's Wed. and that means it's my day of beauty - nails and hair today, let's hope it helps!
I managed to pick out a couple of pix of the girls for the autograph board I bought. That was hard cause there aren't too many with them posing together. So, add a trip to Kinkos to my day to have 5x7's made.
Talked to my mother-in-law last night, she called to ask if I needed her to bring anything to the party, that was nice of her. She didn't want to touch my comment of our disappointment in Lori's not coming because of Ryan's b-day. Oh no, Lori is never wrong so let's just not say a word about that.
But you know when I stop to read that, I guess not talking about it is the right thing because what's to be gained from that? More hurt feelings probably, cause one of us is bound to say something that the other didn't like or whatever, it would be just gossip and that's a total deadend.
I can roll with that.
We're going to have big fun and Lori's the one that's missing out.
Note to self = Gossip gets us nowhere. Best to avoid it.
June 25, 2008
No worries folks I have not disappeared – I’m still alive and kicking here in Mooresville.� Funny how things work.� When I got down here I had no work and had to try hard to fill my days.� Now I am working everyday and find it hard to sometimes to go to the bathroom.� Well, today we are off to Kentucky.� Last week I was in Chicago and the week before that in Texas.� Life on the road is pretty fun.� I think having to drive is a little lame but it gives you a chance to get to know your co workers.� Some of the people I work with I have spent so much time traveling with them I think I’ve know them for years.� I only takes (1) 16 hour trip to Texas for you to get to know a lot about someone.
Last week I worked a special event we were doing for Jimmy Johnson, a fund raiser for his foundation.� They call it a “ride event”.� We have done them before and it is usually hosted by a company and they send out anywhere from 50 to 300 people to take a “champ ride”.� I thought this was what we were doing for Jimmy’s event.� But after getting set up I talked with the lady from Jimmy’s Foundation and she said that only 10 people were coming – how much money were they going to raise with 10 people.� Silly me!!!� Each person paid $ 10,000.00, yes I said $ 10,000.00 to take 10 laps around Lowe’s Motor Speedway with him driving.� Later in the morning when I went to the restroom and walked by the car of the people who were at the event I noticed this was not our normal clientele.� There were to 2 Porsches, a Mercedes and an Aston Martin.�
On your own now... In my dreams I see you I see you sitting there across from me With a blank expression on your face You're watching me…watching you Then you stand up, take the last sip Of the whiskey you had poured yourself �€�In that short crystal glass Not knowing this was the last drink you were about to take As you grab you're throat You're eyes build up with tears You choke But while trying to understand the current affair Your life flashes bits of its pieces before you You see your childhood Your father that was never there Your mother, Your brothers And everything that meant something to you � But right in front of you, you see me You see what had taken over you What had changed your life What had given u something that you never truly had before While i had previously added that demise into your glass I had thought about how I before tried to save you To save you from that life that never gave you shit But being you The only you that you know Could never give back what I had given to you You were once a piece of clay� That I sculpted, molded, shifted into what you were never before� Yet you could still never give Never give back to me Everything I had poured out to you Everything I passed up to be with Everything that meant everything to me,� had meant Nothing to you Words were never enough for me It was your character Your phony sense of love The one who raised you never gave you their appreciation In which you never gave to me You were always that person I love you -Ok - Ill be there You never came till morning At 3 am I smelled booze on your breath As u finally entered my door A liar Something u got from your father So now you stand there Gripping your throat� Now understanding how I have for the past 2 years Strain, deceit, pain, exhaustion love and hate Take your last deep breath Hope to your God that he will be there Because I will never save you again from what you have become
风吹走了老人圆满的梦
一向慈祥的老人变得古怪了，老人困惑，老人身边的人惶恐，长年的付出，委屈，痛苦和挣扎渐渐转变成无比的愤怒，失控的情绪驱使老人用不吃不喝不起床来得到家人的特别关注，我立在床前，凝视着老人那张被折磨得十分憔悴的面孔，思考再三，轻声告诉时而清醒时而迷茫的老人，我们这些小辈明白您的痛苦，有病不要怕，大家想法共同面对就是了。为了把家庭的损失减至最小，有时大家得靠意志来熬过每个艰难时刻，老人听着我的话，缄默的泪水顺着她的眼角慢慢淌下来, 渗进她薄脆干燥的皱纹里。对我的话她明白一二，可是她已经陷得很深，很难靠自己的力量把自己拯救出来了。我清醒地知道，是风吹走了老人圆满的梦。
我回家跟敦敦分享了我的感受，敦敦思考了一会，叹息起五更趴半夜, 忙前忙后照顾双亲的老爸很可怜，他想长大后搞一个针对老年病患的一条龙服务产品，包括，专业护送不配合的老年人就医，专门卫生材料的墙和地板等等，等等。随着老龄人口的膨胀, 国人的敬老哲学正得到前所未有的挑战, 因为单凭孝心是无法使一位迷糊怪异的老人的余年活得有尊严.
It really has been a month. Wow. Whatever I said before about inconsistency takes on a whole new meaning here.
A lot has happened in the last month. Will I write it all out? No. A good deal of it is merely minutiae, and though it had an effect on my month, it didn't contribute to my overall state of mind. Some good stuff, some bad stuff.
My cousins on my mother's side are now here. They visited for a few days, but had to leave because my aunt's exchange students were coming and she was meeting them in another city. That was their excuse, anyway. It's true that the students were coming, but the real reason they do not spend more time with us when they visit is due in large part to the fact that my mother and her sister do not get along. At all. In any way. So that leaves us, the children, stuck in the middle of this ridiculous feud that puts our parents at odds. It was for our benefit that they stayed with us, and that our mothers did not explode at each other.
I finished school with 9 exams. I wasn't reduced to tears, but it was close. I have no choice, none at all, but to strive to be the best, do the best that I could possibly, as a human, do. Why? One word: Parents. They expect me to be supergirl and perfect and infallible. Well, newsflash: I'M NOT. I'm not perfect, not by a longshot, and I'm not infallible by any stretch of the imagination. I make more mistakes, large, small, meaningless, significant, or otherwise, than anyone I know. I may be book smart, but I'm not street smart. I have a total of ZeRo common sense. I know myself enough to know that.
Another thing I noticed recently. Keep in mind that I am the definition of a bookworm, and next to dreamer in the dictionary there is a picture of me (or there should be). So David's favourite music nowadays is Lord of the Rings music. I love love LOVE the Lord of the Rings. It's up there�as one of�my favourite books and some of my favourite movies. But, inexplicably, whenever my brother plays the music (and he does, all the time) I get completely and utterly sad. I hesitate to say depressed; it just misses that category. But I feel... desolate? I guess that's the word. My chest feels empty. My heart hurts. It didn't make sense at first. It is magnificently beautiful music, so why did I feel completely empty and desolate? What I have come up with so far, and I believe this is the explanation, is that that music represents everything that I, as a dreamer/bookworm/girl who doesn't fit in in her own world, desire more than is comprehendible and can never have. What do I desire so? Hmm. Ouch. I feel juvenile as I type this, but I might as well say (even though only a sense of deduction is necessary to see it). I want adventure. I want magic. I want to quest for something. I want to experience something that no one on this planet or in this life would believe. I want to see things that can't be seen here. I want magic, the extraordinary, fantasy. There. I said it. I want to live in a world with magic and go on adventures. I would give almost anything. Am I ashamed of this? Why, yes, I am. But that doesn't stop it from being true. And I still want it. So I know that I cannot have it. And here is my brother, playing the music, unknowingly blaring heartbreak on a loop for me, all day long.
Could I ever even consider admitting this to anyone? Yes and no. Charlotte feels the exact same way that I do. We confide these things in each other. And it makes it feel not so bad. But then I'm around everyone normal and it gets thrown at me, how blatantly different I am. And how unusual these wishes are to someone who could be called normal. Which doesn't help the desolation.
UGH. I can't believe that I came on for the first time in a month and spent the time whining. I'm sorry. I will try to come on more often, and maybe post something less philosophically whiny and teenage-angsty.
Song suggestion of the day: Viva la Vida by Coldplay. Really, really cool song.
~Annabel
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Meggies14 38, Female, Illinois, USA - 2 entries