12/12/09 7pm
Well, today I'm having some emotional struggles up and downs.� I've had moments that my heart jumps and think on how prior to exactly 7 days ago he used to always ask me if I still love him (constantly) and that If I was his, and I'd ask him if he's mine and that if he has eyes for me only or if he's always faithful to me while he's at work, he'd always answer yes and I'd always answer yes too.....� today, we don't care to ask that to each other any more.�
I found out he has been making "social" phone calls to different community hotlines for a while now..... when I first discovered it over 4 months ago he swore up and down that it was a co-worker who he was lending his phone to, yeah right!� I confronted him about a recent activity which happened to be on a day that I was visiting my mom who was sick over at a hospital which was over 1 1/2 hr drive.� When I discovered this he said it was not him, that the phone is acting up, he also did it during a day that we spent at DMV to inspect his vehicle to get it back on the road again.� WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?WHYYYYYYYYY????????????????? gosh, it hurts soooo much!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He finally admitted it, looked at my crying and swore that nothing bad ever happened, that he never spent a penny on it., and that he won't do it again because he loves me, I believe him.�
I won't lye, I've been checking the phone records, no sign of daring calls like that, but then I wonder if he's using his business phone to do those calls, or maybe even meet someone physically or be with someone physically while he's at work, I worry so much, it's not even funny.� It's very very very hard to trust him again.
Can someone outthere gimme please some encouraging words.� I'm hurting so much, I love this man soooooo much!
On your own now... In my dreams I see you I see you sitting there across from me With a blank expression on your face You're watching me…watching you Then you stand up, take the last sip Of the whiskey you had poured yourself �€�In that short crystal glass Not knowing this was the last drink you were about to take As you grab you're throat You're eyes build up with tears You choke But while trying to understand the current affair Your life flashes bits of its pieces before you You see your childhood Your father that was never there Your mother, Your brothers And everything that meant something to you � But right in front of you, you see me You see what had taken over you What had changed your life What had given u something that you never truly had before While i had previously added that demise into your glass I had thought about how I before tried to save you To save you from that life that never gave you shit But being you The only you that you know Could never give back what I had given to you You were once a piece of clay� That I sculpted, molded, shifted into what you were never before� Yet you could still never give Never give back to me Everything I had poured out to you Everything I passed up to be with Everything that meant everything to me,� had meant Nothing to you Words were never enough for me It was your character Your phony sense of love The one who raised you never gave you their appreciation In which you never gave to me You were always that person I love you -Ok - Ill be there You never came till morning At 3 am I smelled booze on your breath As u finally entered my door A liar Something u got from your father So now you stand there Gripping your throat� Now understanding how I have for the past 2 years Strain, deceit, pain, exhaustion love and hate Take your last deep breath Hope to your God that he will be there Because I will never save you again from what you have become
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Meggies14 37, Female, Illinois, USA - 2 entries