June 10, 2008
I took my computer on the road with me to Atlanta with the thought that I would keep up with my journal as I was on the road.� Well, that did not happen, I did not even have time to take it out of the bag.� Let me give you a glimpse of the on the road schedule.
Thursday 4 pm leave for Atlanta.� Stop for dinner about 9 pm.� Arrive at the Red Roof Inn in Hampton, GA about 10:30.� Check into hotel, into bed about 11:15.
Friday, up at 4 am.� Meet group in lobby of hotel to travel to the track.� Arrive at the track about 6:00 am.� Get out trailer set up and first guests arrive about 7:30.� Today we have a 8 am, 11 am and 2 pm class.� We finish with the last guest about pm.� Straightened up trailer, pack up everything for the day.� Head down to the garage to see what other work has to be done.� Cars need to be cleaned, serviced and filled with gas and ready for the next day.� We leave the track at 7:30 pm.� Get back to hotel @ 8 pm.� Get cleaned up to go for dinner.� Go to dinner about 8:45.� Arrive back at the hotel at 10:00.� In bed at 10:30.�
Saturday, up again at 4 am.� Same day at the track.� At end of day we pack of to head back to Charlotte.� We are on the road at 8 pm.� Have dinner at the gas station we stop at to fuel up.� Arrive back at JGSR shop at 1:45.� Get home and 2:15 and go straight to bed.�
Yes, it’s a hectic schedule.
yea its freakn 125 am and i am awake...yea i was freakin aslp not anymore...my friend who is consistantly awake till 3-4 am was talkin on her damn cell phone and still on my laptop. dose she not have respect for me and my shit....damn i woke up grabed my blanket pillow n cell n went in to the other room....i went in the thinkin shit i should have to LEAVE�MY ROOM by all means...it my room paint red for a reason....i have get pretty angry...well i then got up came back in n she asked if i was okay...helllll no im not ok� this has yto stop and to stop now...all hour of being awake slping till 1230 and doing it all over again...NAVY life aint like that hun u need to start learnin.. everyone keeps tell her she needs to change but it aint happenin...soo imma do my way ill do it w/out her if she cant help her self n really doesnt seem like her wants my help so im done...AHHHHHHHHHH crazy freakin night...im tired and hell still but im don know if i can go back to slp....
i wasnt feeling well. it was so hOoT the whole day..
i feel like im goin` to die. it's so humid..
work was kinda slow and� boring..but im still TIRED!!
i hate felling tired..its really killing me..
by the way, i haven't introduce myself
who cares! its not a big deal tho.. RIGHT?!?!
i dont care what are you gonna say
but i want you to listen
to everything words im gonna say..
i need you to listen..
im sad..im really really sad.
i need help..
i dont know what to do..
i cannot help myself from holding back
yes im with someone else right now
but its not right..you wanna know why?
its because..im just lying to this person
i know its sound� so BAD..
but im not a bad person..
i just want to make this person to be happy...
what should i do?...
WH/UW project needs admin work done.� Another fucking project in limbo.� No time for this silliness, I forward to Curious and Duke to see if they can get one of the kids on it.
Matt T.� Wants to do Tomcat > WAS migration 7/1-7/15� is asking Mr. T. to lock my time.
Remembered to forward apollo downtime message off to portal admins.� oops.
MTG: 3:30 - 4pm today - Discuss timing for IWS work later this week.
Calvin the LDAP guy wants to coordinate some work with my apollo work today.� No Problem.
Mr. T. stood up a new IWS DC Test Env in LM.� zorn2-lm, guiness, killian need prompt adjustments in /etc/bashrc in this new env so we know they're iwsqa.
1pm : Apollow shutdown and remediate.� Work with Boody to get apps down, then proceed.� All goes well.� Return users at 2:22pm
Sent email to Skipper letting him know I installed the asset manager package on my target server. (naboo)� Seemed to go fine, copied the rest of the list.
We discuss rolling the LDAP changes out to QA on Tuesday.� We're locked in from 11am-8pm Tuesday for my changes plus rollout of the IWS work.
So the weekend over...hmmm...went to Meet the Fleet friday night...had a blast didnt get home till 730am...hahaha.....yeah like i said it was a blast...i was gunna go out sat night but didnt i was tooo tired n also i had no gas...WHICH kinda leads me to another issue wit my friend....i dont think she realllllly understands that when we dont have gad we can push to go place's we gotta save it....she always wants to b out doin sometihng everyday....i tell her we cant but then she gets an all depressed n is then on my laptop ALLLLLLL freakin day.....while shes on it she only on a few sites...y not go on n look for a job as well....ok soooo enough with that.....
i also did alot of thinkin this wkend...i wanna b done messin around wit guys...i kno im young in all but i wanna find the right one...someone to i can call n talk to anytime someone i can go to in the time of need if i get in to an argument w/my parents or my friends, someone i have a shoulder to cry one....i just want someone there to support me when needed n of course ill b there for them when ever....i know im young n shit but it dont matter im done dealin with some dumb fools i wanna find the right one....ahhhh...lol
thank u all for listenin pls dont b afriad to say something to me...im a real open person
Maybe it's the solo piano I'm listen to that's getting me all reminiscent and remorseful. I just can't help thinking how sad my life has been. And I'm afraid I'm going to wallow a little.
Since I can remember I've always been unhappy. I was sick a lot when I was growing up. I always remember yearning to fit in with my peers. That never happened for some reason. I even remember wanting to hang out with Danny. And nice as he tried to be, he couldn't help going with the flow. I almost think it had to do with my being encouraged to be content with being a loner. Mom and Dad were just like that. They don't have any friends at all, not people that they see eye to eye with. Not people that they can sharpen themselves with. But then perhaps it's all an idea, a euphoric glance at someone else's life. Maybe it's just not real.
So let's give it a shot at being ok with who I am. Who I've been for 30 years. This girl that was good at sports, academics and music as long as she was cheered on�(by a very significant individual). I see a trend at work, and at home now. Ideally I would want to be unshakably content. It's understandable to have some insecurities. Or maybe I just need to Boo Hoo and Poor Me for a little while each time it happened. And then move on. But that would only be appropriate in the confines of the nest. The place I called home. At this time, that's Ryan's appartment.
Where are all these thoughts coming from? I think they've been underlying for a while. But tonight's events definitely triggered a bit of a personal emotional outburst.
Just like Allison, many others have questions about where I'm from, and why I don't have a stereo-typical Indian accent. I really think I need to prepare myself before some rendezvous. I am who I am. I look the way I look. I speak the way I do. There is nothing that can change that. I can't take a class to change that. I don't hang out with many Indian girls or guys. So that's that. And why would I change to accomodate someone else's unanswered questions. I will educate them about my upbringing, and leave it at that. That's the only thing to do. Then they can decide if they want to be friends or not.
As for Ryan. His part in this is apparent for the moment. Time will tell if he's into me for the long run. Or not. I can only hope. Because I am falling for him. It's not like I don't guard my heart a whole lot. I let people in to sensitive places all the time. And it hurts sometimes. Especially since I'm only just now (at 30) learning to be comfortable in my own skin.
Personal Goals: I must say it does help to not procrastinate. At the same time striking a balance of not overcrowding my to-do list.
Oh yeah. Focus on others as people, not as critics or judges. They have what you need. And you have what they need. That's how it works with people. People need people. It's just 6 Billion of us on the planet. No other species that has equal relatability. There are finer details. It's not as general as it sounds. But that is the bottom line.
today was gay
Ik vroeg na het avondeten (die nu ergens een reisje door de riool maakt) aan ma of ik naar een internaat mag volgend schooljaar. Hetzelfde waar Lot naartoe zal gaan. Het is een internaat waar er psychiaters nzo voor je klaar staan en van die dingen en ma zei verrassend snel dat het mocht. Ze vroeg wel of ik niet het 'thuis zijn' ontvluchtte en ik heb gezegd dat het gewoon veel beter zou zijn. Voor mijn huisgenoten en voor mezelf. En ik zei erbij dat het ook was omdat ik de sfeer in huis niet meer kan verdragen. Alleen een beetje subtieler. Ze vraagt zo'n dingen de laatste week constant. Hoe ik me voel en wat er mis is enzo. Vorige week zondag flipte ik echt helemaal en ze is echt ongerust. Ik sloeg een raam in, viel John aan en maakte een deur kapot. Ma moest me opsluiten zodat ik niemand pijn meer kon doen. Het is een beetje wazig nu. De laatste tijd lijkt alles vrij wazig. Ik weet niet hoe ik aan maaltijden zou kunnen ontsnappen in het internaat. Ik kan zeggen dat ik 's morgens nooit eet (dat doen zo veel mensen) en in de middag "eet"�ik op school. Hopelijk zijn het daar boterhammen als avondmaal, die kan ik makkelijk wegsteken of er heel weinig van eten. Ik zie wel.
Gisteren kocht ik nog 'Digital versatile doom', de live dvd en cd van HIM. Het is echt fantastisch. Het interview met Ville deed me heel diep nadenken over dingen. Het hield mijn hersenen tot diep in de nacht bezig. Maar ik moet me op de examens concentreren. Niet dat het echt lukt. Hopelijk buis ik niet.
Doei x
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