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        Janira  34, Female, Louisiana, USA - 19 entries
    18
    Feb 2011
    10:21 PM
       

    A Great Day!

    Today I recited my poem that I wrote for the black history program and the one for color girls whp commited suicide when the rainbow is not enuf and it was great I had a really great day....=D
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        Reborned  27, Female, California, USA - 13 entries
    15
    Feb 2011
    9:22 PM CST
       

    Lol, happy mood!!! I think it's because of my weird obbsension with Vocaloids!!! Lol Ones I watch: Fear Garden http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZVFfeTIWWco&feature=related Trick and Treat http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=855OP6qKAOw&feature=BF&playnext=1&list=QL&index=1 Circle You Circle You http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2RFcrreoE8&feature=BF&list=QL&index=1 Alice of Human Sacrifice http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6MltGHO-lE&feature=BF&list=QL&index=1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMQmTIp6SRk&feature=BF&list=PL56F6B829E398113A&index=2 Dark Woods Circus http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fig2uYoLgRE&feature=BF&list=PL56F6B829E398113A&index=18 Still alot more ^^; Check out youtube!!!
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        inPlainSight  40, Female, California, USA - 2 entries
    14
    Feb 2011
    6:59 PM CST
       

    Im tired of Blogging...

    I'm tired of blogging with the intent that everyone will read it. Hoping that someone reads it. Watching what I say because of who might read it and so forth. I haven't written just for me for so long. It's a weird kind of privacy to just sink into the masses and be a faceless, nameless writer. It's good though. As for my personal thoughts, I don't want them to go unattended to. I'd would rather have a perfect stranger read them than someone I know though. When blogging I have to pretend to be floating along through life perfectly. That's what everyone expects. I'm tired...

    I don't want to go all dark on everyone, that's not my intention. But I don't always feel good, and I feel like I have no one to talk to about that. Everyone is busy, busy bees. Supposedly stressed because I interupt their work too much. They're not even really working. They sit there laughing at youtube, or whatever... that's not working. I feel like a 2nd class citizen to the people I thought I was 1st for. This could really depress me, but I haven't let it. It's got me down, but not depressed. I guess I'm scared of depression.

    I live in chronic pain. I'm 25, overweight, ugly, and in chronic pain. I should be a miserable creature. I feel like I've been alive 250 years not 25. This pain thing is getting old. Really old. It's getting to the point where I don't even want to get out of bed. I feel like my life has been stolen and I'm trapped in this body that hates me. This fat girl is living my life like a selfish beast. Sometimes I get up the nerve to fight back against her, but... she's bigger than me, she always wins.

    I just don't feel like uplifting anyone today... if I can't do it for myself how can I muster up anything for anyone else? I'm tired.

    It's Valentine's day. I don't know whether to be happy or sad. Happy that I have someone who loves me, or sad that everyone forgets to love each other the rest of the year.

    I feel really sick to my stomach when I look in a mirror. How does anyone love that?

    Alright, well I have to go now before I get caught and interrogated...

    So, bye...


    Tags: blogging, chronic pain, depression, fat
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        whoami?  40, Female, Nebraska, USA - 60 entries
    13
    Feb 2011
    9:14 AM EST
       

    Disordered eating has defined my life for as long as I can remember. No need to wade through the details, but take it for what it is. In the last year and a half, I have ventured through the latest of controlled eating, all-natural. This all per the influence of a good friend who found healing from her M.S. by eating completely natural for a year. With no drastic disease to tackle, but just another potential route to becoming America's Next Top Model, I jumped on this extremist wagon. I'd always naturally ventured to the polar ends anyways. This highly selective "way of life", we didn't dare call it the "D" word of course, when done perfectly would make you feel great, energetic and happy. But when even the smallest tid-bit of deliciousness was added to the concoction, all hell broke loose. Seriously. I would generally eat far too much because I had been deprived for so long. This would often times lead to a binge...and, though seldom as of lately but always quite possibly, resulted in a purge. �It was extremely difficult, extremely counter-cultural, and extremely stressful. Confused observers who thought us crazy, always seemed to share the same advice, "all things in moderation", but that strategy obviously held no power or true freedom for me, because I always seemed to turn it into "all things in mega-portion". Needless to say, it's time to get off this wagon.

    After a year and a half of an "on again off again" relationship with All Natural, I'm not a pound lighter, not a smidge happier, and not a bit healthier than the average Joe who eats Frosted Flakes for breakfast, a Philly cheese steak sandwich for lunch, Dorritos at break, and pepperoni pizza for dinner with a Dr. Pepper to wash it down and a bowl of ice cream to satisfy his sweet tooth. We're in the same boat when you study the functionality and contentment of our intestines, because seriously, they're built to handle whatever the crap we shove through there; it all comes out looking the same. (Don't get me wrong though, that machine needs fiber to fuel its engines at maximum efficiency, so there's balance to be found.) But look at our minds and he's got me beat across the boards, because after eating that�unsweetened oatmeal for breakfast, salad with no dressing for lunch, an apple at break, and a plain chicken breast with steamed asparagus for dinner with the last of my daily 64ounces of water to wash it down and a bowl of frozen cherries to toy with my sweet tooth, I'm trying to digest a mix of jealousy, self-pity and self-righteousness, while Joe there is rubbing his belly as it digests pure deliciousness and satisfaction. Being your average Joe doesn't look so bad does it?

    I think that following Joe's lead, with my own personal twist on it, doesn't sound like a half-bad idea. I'm engaged to be married in less than four months, 105 days to be exact. And the guy I'm marrying is a lot like Joe. Believe me he's not average in all areas, because this guy is the most amazing guy in the world, and those trying for runner-up wouldn't even come close if God gave them an extra lifetime. But he is your average american when it comes to his menu selection, while at the same time being a "man of refined taste". What that means for me is, all-natural isn't going to work, and I've got some work to do in culinary class. Lately I've been thinking a lot about what our menu might look like as a married couple. Being the super-wife and homemaker I know I'm of course going to be :), I want this man satisfied when he leaves the dinner table. I say this not in a sexist or male-power sort of way, but in a "I'm madly in love with this guy and I want the food on the table to make sure he knows it!" kind of way. �Letting loose in this area and cooking meals that look more like what mama had the the table growing up, and less like you just pulled up the whole garden, gave it a rinse and slapped in on a plate, might work a little better to get my "I love you" message across. It's freeing, it's relaxing, it's way more me, and it's going to be way more "us." Him, being as amazing as he is, has been entirely supportive of my relationship with All-Natural, but I think he knows me well enough that there was no point in putting up a fight because he knew that relationship would never last. See why I love him? :)

    So the other day, as I was pondering my official break-up with All-Natural and dreaming of my new life with down-home cooking, I found myself really wondering, will I ever be healed of disorded eating? What will happen to my body if I stock my kitchen with flour, cheese, cookies and the ever-forbidden 2% milk? Will I just binge and heaven forbid, get fat?! And whether it was me or that sweet voice from the heaven speaking, something inside of me said, "He'll heal you." That's it. "He'll heal you." This guy, the most amazing guy in the entire world, who loves me regardless of my merit, and thankfully regardless of my waist size, who has been my knight in shining armor, my handsome prince, and my superhero, will heal me. I can dream of a life where disorderd eating no longer defines me, because this guy, your average Joe when it comes to eating preferences, will help me see food for what it really is. It's not a monster, it doesn't need to control me and I don't have to control it. I just get to enjoy it, and he's gonna show me how, just by being who he is. Now that's a wagon I wanna be on, and never ever leave.

    Let the fact be made very solidly known though, that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. God is my Father and the redeemer and sustainer of my life, and He is the one to receive all the glory for the chain of events in my life. He has been patient, loving, kind and gentle in my journey and he has provided for me every step of the way. Recently he has provided my most amazing fianc�, who has passion and vigor for life and who has joined forces with God, whom he passionately loves and follows, to bring me healing. I could not ask for more. God is so good, and He can use any means He wants to heal you too. Amen.

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        palakj  48, Female, Ohio, USA - 15 entries
    11
    Feb 2011
    10:03 PM EST
       

    Dreams

    "The reason why we have dreams is that the Unconscious withinus, the Atma or the Kundalini is trying to guide us to the right path – and this it does through dreams. But these are misunderstood, because we are confused. When we are sleeping we go to the depth of the Sushupti level, and there touch the Unconscious, but when we come out, we touch our Subconscious or maybe the Supraconscious, and this confuses whatever experience we may have had at the Sushupti level, with other things connected to our sub or Supraconscious, and we don't remember,or don't understand, and we forget it. A Realised Soul goes to the Sushupti and sees exactly what he has to know."�Shri Mataji Nirmala Devi

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        palakj  48, Female, Ohio, USA - 15 entries
    11
    Feb 2011
    9:24 AM EST
       

    Sun by native american

    the native american worship sun�not as god but as a revelation of great spirit who as such has gifted them source of life�and they see there fellow man as WAKAN� meaning holy beacuse soul is expression of divinity not only man but whole nature is seen as holy
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        divahome  47, Female, France - 8 entries
    11
    Feb 2011
    10:17 AM CET
       

    Wow, though I am not sure if gratitude journal makes me happy, i am pretty sure it makes my regrets less conspicious. Well there are still moments when something all of a sudden reminds me of things that were but not any more, of pain, of loss, of my mistakes and I start wallowing in the mudhole of self pity, kind of unwilling to come out. But it occurs to me that for every regret there are million other moments which were better than they could have been. Thankfulness shines as self pity disappears..
    The other day mindless browsing led me to a forum where I read a discussion between mothers who had lost their mothers in childhood.It is when they have children of their own , they realise their loss even more. I remember what one young mother said (in her words), I look at the children playing and prayed,� ' All I am asking you dear Lord is time precious time' . Her words kept ringing on my ears- time, precious time.
    And then I read another story in a book of a young woman admitted with cancer who said with tears streaming down her face that she will do anything to just be able to go home and change one dirty nappy.
    I feel guilty to even feel thankful at these stories. I just want to hold tight to everything that I have, love them and cherish them. Regrets disappear. God bless all of you.

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        JustKeepSmiling :)  33, Female, California, USA - 2 entries
    10
    Feb 2011
    7:41 PM CST
       

    What do you say when you want a friend to feel better? The truth is no one believes a person when they say, "I know how you feel." How can anyone possibly understand.

    But I do. I went through pain and suffering. Maybe different circumstances, but the feelings are the same. For everyone on this Earth. So why are there still people out there who don't have compassion or empathy? Or at least some sympathy? We have all hurt in some way or another. Others hide it better than others but pain is pain. It hurts. It weighs down on you like a heavy brick. And each day you keep on smiling and lying to yourself more bricks get added every day until your stuck and can't go on anymore.
    That's why it's so important to be open with your friends. To vent! To let some of that poison out even if it means they are going to scream and cry in front of me, curse, throw things. It's better than to hide it and allow it to fester and grow into a monster that you can no longer control.
    I did that. I was stupid and 16. No wonder right? But I learned the hard way. Now, I am older and hopefully wiser. I wish people could understand the foolishness of such emotions like, hate and anger. How they don't help you at all and they only make your life harder and more miserable. Like Buddha said, I can't really quote it perfectly but it goes something like this: "Anger is like holding a hot coal in your hands with the intention of throwing it at the other person. But all you are doing is burning your own hand."
    You get it? I didn't. Not when I was 16 I didn't! I was sooo full and blinded by my anger and resentment against my mother and the abandonment I felt that I let it take me over. My entire life and youth for that matter. I became this emotional vampire, dark, alone, and depressed. Severely depressed. I blamed her for everything. I hated her. I wanted to see her to feel pain because I was suffering.

    Yup. Anger can make people do stupid things. That's why it doesn't make sense to me anymore why people would stick with it.
    For example, my parents had this nasty divorce. Did I mention it's been 2 years now...and of course they won't give up to anything meanwhile their blood sucking lawyers already took my college money.
    Yes, my life is complicated. But I looked at those two children that are my parents and bless them. I do. I say to myself, "Thank God that I learned from their terrible mistakes. That I am stronger now. That I learned." I go on with my day, seeing my mother and father, who believe me have horrible secrets and issues. They just won't admit it. From my alcoholic father, to my insecure mother who always finds the worst man to be with, (on purpose). It's sad truth be told.
    But I am so lucky to have my older sister. Sure, she can steal my clothes and ruin two fabulous pairs of shoes....and mess with my food that one time. Nevertheless, I love her. No matter what, I have her back and she has mine.

    In conclusion, no matter how messed up or complicated your life is, you need at least ONE person to be there and say, "I'm here for you. I love you. I think your hurting and angry and are saying this right now that later in life I know you will laugh at with me....and I see your hurt. But just know that you aren't crazy. Your not. Your a good person." Yes, everyone has the potential of being a good person. It's the higher road, and also the harder one. I just wish my friend can muster up the courage to really tell me whats on her mind and heart. Even if she tells someone else, I wouldn't care. I just want to see her better. Happy and well. Wether or not we are still friends when she does. When you care about a person that really doesn't matter. Just as long as they are happy.
    Tags: depression, divorce, friends, parents, problems
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        palakj  48, Female, Ohio, USA - 15 entries
    09
    Feb 2011
    10:05 PM EST
       

    Lord lao tse

    Create but don't possess, act but do not claim, protect but do not command that is the hidden true Virtue empty your thought let yourself be at peace
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        keonyama96  31, Female, Kansas, USA - 191 entries
    08
    Feb 2011
    11:15 PM
       

    Ugh...people!!!
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