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    julianne  52, Female, Philippines - 6 entries
Mar 2011
2:41 AM PST

The team I was working on online was put on hold. I am worried but I now rest my case on the Lord. I know He is the best provider. When someone closes the He opens the window, and even if the window is close, He will tear down the ceiling to let me in.
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    JustKeepSmiling :)  31, Female, California, USA - 2 entries
Feb 2011
7:41 PM CDT

What do you say when you want a friend to feel better? The truth is no one believes a person when they say, "I know how you feel." How can anyone possibly understand.

But I do. I went through pain and suffering. Maybe different circumstances, but the feelings are the same. For everyone on this Earth. So why are there still people out there who don't have compassion or empathy? Or at least some sympathy? We have all hurt in some way or another. Others hide it better than others but pain is pain. It hurts. It weighs down on you like a heavy brick. And each day you keep on smiling and lying to yourself more bricks get added every day until your stuck and can't go on anymore.
That's why it's so important to be open with your friends. To vent! To let some of that poison out even if it means they are going to scream and cry in front of me, curse, throw things. It's better than to hide it and allow it to fester and grow into a monster that you can no longer control.
I did that. I was stupid and 16. No wonder right? But I learned the hard way. Now, I am older and hopefully wiser. I wish people could understand the foolishness of such emotions like, hate and anger. How they don't help you at all and they only make your life harder and more miserable. Like Buddha said, I can't really quote it perfectly but it goes something like this: "Anger is like holding a hot coal in your hands with the intention of throwing it at the other person. But all you are doing is burning your own hand."
You get it? I didn't. Not when I was 16 I didn't! I was sooo full and blinded by my anger and resentment against my mother and the abandonment I felt that I let it take me over. My entire life and youth for that matter. I became this emotional vampire, dark, alone, and depressed. Severely depressed. I blamed her for everything. I hated her. I wanted to see her to feel pain because I was suffering.

Yup. Anger can make people do stupid things. That's why it doesn't make sense to me anymore why people would stick with it.
For example, my parents had this nasty divorce. Did I mention it's been 2 years now...and of course they won't give up to anything meanwhile their blood sucking lawyers already took my college money.
Yes, my life is complicated. But I looked at those two children that are my parents and bless them. I do. I say to myself, "Thank God that I learned from their terrible mistakes. That I am stronger now. That I learned." I go on with my day, seeing my mother and father, who believe me have horrible secrets and issues. They just won't admit it. From my alcoholic father, to my insecure mother who always finds the worst man to be with, (on purpose). It's sad truth be told.
But I am so lucky to have my older sister. Sure, she can steal my clothes and ruin two fabulous pairs of shoes....and mess with my food that one time. Nevertheless, I love her. No matter what, I have her back and she has mine.

In conclusion, no matter how messed up or complicated your life is, you need at least ONE person to be there and say, "I'm here for you. I love you. I think your hurting and angry and are saying this right now that later in life I know you will laugh at with me....and I see your hurt. But just know that you aren't crazy. Your not. Your a good person." Yes, everyone has the potential of being a good person. It's the higher road, and also the harder one. I just wish my friend can muster up the courage to really tell me whats on her mind and heart. Even if she tells someone else, I wouldn't care. I just want to see her better. Happy and well. Wether or not we are still friends when she does. When you care about a person that really doesn't matter. Just as long as they are happy.
1 comment(s) - 11:49 PM - 01/29/2012
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    xoSarah  31, Female, Australia - 2 entries
Jun 2008
12:14 PM EDT

Too Many Problems and not enough Confrontation

My feelings are blank..

There's so much I want to say to so many people but I can't... ok maybe only two people and technicall I could�tell them but I don't want to I don't want to have to face these people and try to tell them what needs to be told... I miss them and feel bad for leaving but should I say that I am better off now that I was before, should I mention that I feel like a stupid naive little school girl around them or should I not disclose any of the discomfort I felt and just tell them a half-truth... Too many options and too many�reasons that I should�just say nothing at all...

Basically the reason for those above thoughts is that a few weeks ago... or was it a few months ago.. I can't be sure really because time flies and sometimes it seems like�I can never catch up but anyway I used to be part of a group apropriately self-named the FQ's (flirt queens). They flirted with anyone the could get their hands on and for fifteen year old virgins they were pretty experienced/knowledgable. Ok so my di scription is a little Over The Top.. they wouldn't flirt with everyone but they were still big time flirts and I'm not saying I'm unknowledgable in that field but around them I felt like a naive little (primary) school girl. So they were informally known the FQ's but I wasn't.. I was a misfit in their group of belt short skirts and extremely low cut tops. I was ignored and felt mildly exiled so I left because the reason that I had joined that group in the first place was because I was running from the last group I was in where�I was replaced�by my�best friend (emily)�for another girl called Amy. But when�I left I went back to that old group with Amy and Emily. You have no idea how great it was... I felt like I belonged again.. Finally...

Besides in my new group I have other things to worry about; the rise of Amanda the two-faced backstabbing bitch who I hate for so many reasons I can't list them all here, the newly inseperable 'best friends forever' bond between Amy and Ashlea (they pretty much rub it in everyone's face) that is hurting Emily while also pissing me off and Amy's obsession with a band called Mcfly which makes it ten million times harder to talk to her because the only topic she will willingly discuss is how awesome/hot/fantasticly talented/great/sexy all members of Mcfly are. Her topics are becoming repetative and I don't know how much more I can take of her blabbing about interviews with them, how funny they are and how she wants them to strip for her.

Another mind bothering thing is 'P' why she is named this is uncertain but it was a secret kept between Amy, Amanda and Ashlea (the three A's). With the power of my sea mokeys (i.e brain cells) and my awesome eavesdropping skills I was able to determin that P was either Myself or Kate and I was quite sure it was Kate untill everyone started telling me that it wasn't me which brought up the saying "tho doth prtest too much". I now know for sure that it is P because Emily confronted Amanda with y evidence and found out that P like I had originally thought was Kate. But I am not allowed to speak a word of it to anyone which is lameee. But I shall disclose the facts and obvious reasons why I believed P was Kate...

Reasons Why 'P' was Kate or Me

  • The first clue I had which lead me to cross emily off the list of suspected P persons was that Amy wanted to tell her who P was... Implying that she wasn't P because you wouldn't want to tell someone you were obviously bitching about that you were bitching about them..
  • The second clue that made me narrow down the list was that P as someone Emily and I were really close too and thats why we weren't allowed to be told. I didn't really narrow at this point but it did help me later on.
  • The Third clue was that P was "s+s(squared)=a (which amy lated told amanda that s=sad and a= attention)� this meant that P was sad and they interpreted it as attention seeking.Which was when�I narrowed the list to Kate and I for we had both been rather depressed, Kate more that I for a reason that should stay forgotten ot in the past (although its not sometihng you can just forget). I confronted Amy about it but she denied that Kate or myself was P.
  • The fourth clue came at the bus stop when Amanda confessed (to Amy)�that she wasn't sure if she wanted to go to the city for Emily's birthday bash thingo�Amy replied "Noo you have to come and save me from the�wrath of P" there were only 6 people going including�Emily and Myself and three of those people (A,A&A) already knew who p was�confirming that P was Me, emily or Kate and since�Emily had been evicted from the list previously �that just further confirmed the Me or Kate Factor. (during this time I had been told 3 times by all three members that P was not me)
  • The fifth clue came in the group when Amy told Ashlea that Mcfly had a song written my the member Tom that was quote made for them to sing to P unquote. Amy and Ashlea then proceded to listen to the song which was playing on Amy's Ipod and Amy pointedly sung out a lyric "You're black on the inside" which then lead me to tell this to emily and emily to google the lyric and the other information about it. Emily then sent me the link to the lyrics and what we/I read suited their opinion of Kate to a tee.
  • The sixth clue wasn't really a clue but the conformation of my thoughts as i told emily all of these things and she then without my knowing confronted Amanda who gave ing a told her that it was Kate..

Thats all for now in tha amazing life of me...

love to all those who deserve it but none for people that�I for minimal reasons�hate *cough*Amanda*cough* lets just say that my feelings for her relate to the lyrics of the song "I never liked you" by the rouge traders in particular the line "I never liked you even when�I tried to" because I did actually have a period of time where i went out of my way to try and like her and not be so hating of her but nomatter how much I tried I could never bring myself to like her and if I started to she would do something that made me hate her all over again... well EFF HER.

Asta La Pasta, My dear online diary for you are my saviour and seemingly only person I can discuss all of these things with except emily who I can discuss all of these topics with excluding the Amanda topic because she hearts amanda like everyone else in the group does..

XoXo Sarah

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Current Tags: Bitch, friends, hate, p, problems, secrets

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