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For a little while I felt myself being pulled away from pain and into something similar to happiness. But, only for a little while. I'm back in the rut called life again and it sucks. All I feel like doing is sleeping and crying. But, I can't sleep and I feel weak when I cry. One time when I was upset about something, someone I was close to made a joke about me crying and it really hurt. Now everytime I cry I think about what they said and how much it hurt.

I hate my life.

...

Hi you guys!

This is my first day writting in my online diary. I am not English, so maybe my English isn't good and stuff. But anyways, I think today was kind of fun. This year I made new friends, and finally we went out! It was awesome! We went to the cinema to see 'Meet the Spartans'. Most of my friends are guys and I'm a girl. So it was kind of weird... Hard to describe. But afterwards, me and my friends talked, I got to know them better. I realized that these are my 'real' friends. They care about me. And I care about them! And they accept me for who I am. And that makes me so happy! Because the friends I had before them, didn't even care. When I had a problem, they would be like: 'so what, who cares?'. I mean aren't friends there to help you? To have fun with? I know I learned what fun is supposed to be! I'm so glad! And tomorrow I'm going shopping with a friend. She's my best friend! I share everything with her, even my secrets. And I can't wait.

I am so tired. Tomorrow I'll write more...

青春是什么?

敦敦的十一岁生日就到眼前了, 说来也快，从出生到现在，敦敦用十一年的时间刚刚找到当小孩的感觉，就不经意地走到了青春期的门口。想来想去, 写了下面这首青春的赞美诗送给敦敦做他十一岁的生日礼物.

青春是什么?

如果把人生比作四季, 青春是那美丽的春天.

如果把人生当作乐章, 青春是那欢快的序曲.

如果把人生喻为战斗, 青春是那出征的号角.

如果把人生看做航行, 青春是那海上的风雨.

让春来得更早吧, 我乐与梅花共舞.

让乐奏得更响吧, 我将与音符共鸣.

让号吹得更昂吧, 我愿把热血挥洒.

让风刮得更猛吧, 我要驾风帆前行.

我赞美青春, 她多彩艳丽.

我赞美青春, 她激情澎湃.

我赞美青春, 她充满力量.

我赞美青春, 她无畏气概.

Yeah it is almost Friday! I'm going to a basketball game with my son tomorrow. This will be our first professional game. He is so excited!

My boss will be out most of next week so the atmosphere at work will be more relaxed. I really wish I could get out of there, but not having much luck looing for another job. I'll just give it some time and keep looking. Hopefully I'll find something soon-before I lose my mind! though until then I'll have to try to stay positive and do the best I can.

元宵节有感

今天是传统的元宵佳节，下午，我按习俗走街‘消病’，走到现代艺术馆，瞄了一下青年国际摄影展 (Unseen)，又多走了几步顺便瞧了瞧意大利现代雕塑回顾展。

影展涵盖青春期，监狱，普通人的服装和伊拉克战争，这些未来的摄影大师还是太年轻了点，看东西的角度不十分刁钻，作品普遍缺乏震撼力。

意大利的现代雕塑看起来不那么容易懂，我的直觉是这伙艺术家们如果没能投身艺术界很可能得入住精神病院。只有这些处在精神边缘的艺术家才有能力跳出常人思维创造这些具有超常美感的雕塑。三年前我到剑桥开会，B&B里吃早餐时我跟一个意大利大学生聊了一阵，他告诉我，“意大利经济不好，工作不好找，年轻人很痛苦。”

‘物质的微妙能量’主题不靠谱，艺术品不会撒谎。我相信我的直觉，这些雕塑虽然在用料上下了一番功夫，但传递给我的信息真是一种死气沉沉的感觉，艺术家们显然都没过上他们想过的幸福生活，这气氛和前些日子看的伦勃朗和黄金时代有天壤之别。没想到随着欧洲的经济衰退，后现代艺术颓废到这个地步。现时上海艺术家们恐怕用不着用这样的色彩和构架来抒发自己的无奈和彷徨。要我说如果不考虑意大利人的面子这个展览就叫‘无奈的梦’还比较贴切。

晚上我们一家三口吃过烫圆就邀请几个朋友出门放花，我还真感谢意大利的现代艺术，它让我明白，人不能生在福中不知福，我们应该珍惜眼前这璀璨的日子。

防弹背心

敦敦最近开始浏览中英文的报纸, 昨天读到美国校园枪击案, 他很深入地研究了一番, 可能是受老妈的统计基因影响, 这小子似乎明白由量变到质变的过程, 他统计了近年的死伤总数后, 郑重其事地对我说, “老妈, 您如果想让我到美国留学, 请您最好给我准备一件防弹背心.” 孩子说的不是完全没道理, 特别是在911后，他们这一代人没有安全感.

我上小学五年级时, 我们班上有一个问题学生, 他把一块石头, 扔过房顶, 馒头大的石头正中我的前额, 我顿时血流如注, 在同学的搀扶下, 走15分钟到父亲的医院, 做消毒止血的治疗. 至今我的额头上还有一个胡桃大的骨节, 这是我小学时代刻骨铭心的印记. 说来也奇怪, 也就从这次脑瓜被石头砸开瓢后, 我似乎告别了少年混沌期, 脑子变得异常地清醒, 数学从来就没困难, 中学数学竞赛总考全校第一，即使是曾经鲜血泼面，我心里从未害怕过。更没担心过自己的性命。今天时代不同了。这帮可怜的90 后的心目中的世界远不及我童年心中的世界美好，因为他们心理上都已经穿上了‘防弹背心’。

Yes!! tomorrow is friday , i have been sleeping for the past one and a half day with this big headache since tuesday...definately not the best week...but i am feeling a little better. I think my feever broke this afternoon and i am actually getting hungry...hopefully be good enough to go back to work tomorrow, even its only the last day of the week the girls are busy and need me and i feel bad not being able to help out...I hate these days. On top of it all it was a gorgious warm day, at least plus ten which is hot for alberta...i would have loved to go for a walk with my dogs..i just was too sick....so back to bed i go and try to sleep some more...so i can go back to work. Hopefully the weekend will be gorgious...gnight...Dangles ;o((

I was once a plain peice of wood. And those around me have carved me into who I am today. I don't feel as if I am being whittled away anymore. There have been times that I have felt like if I did ONE more thing for someone else then I would be giving more than what I had to offer, and I would no longer be me. I have felt as if someone wanted to mold me or carve me into something I am not. I resisted... and kept my shape. My inner core, when I am strong in mind, keeps me strong in body. It isn't easy to do when you feel weak. And that is when people are most likely to carve away at you more... when you are weak. Keeping myself strong in mind requires me to keep my body strong. They intertwine with each other... it is all connected.

Wow i had the best evening last night, with the one person who i feel so safe in his arms, i had butterflies all evening, wanted to kiss him so badly...

i just felt to happy laying there with him, arms wrapped around each other, close enough to smell his skin...

it was magic...really was. ive never felt this way before.

=] <3

I'm sitting here by myself in the hotel room. Steven is downstairs working on some project downstairs in the lobby. Leaving me to be myself, im left alone with nothing else but my thoughts and feelings.

While, i'm glad to be going home back to sunny san diego (even tho i hear that its raining) i dont want to leave. I've found myself feeling so god damn comfortable. Sleeping next to him, waking up next to him- being in his arms. He makes love to me and i can do nothing but look into his eyes. I like.. no, i love the way he looks at me when he's inside me. our eyes connect and its just something special. Well, it is to me- i dont know what he thinks. He tells me i'm beautiful or how fucking hot I am. But you know men- for all i know, i could seriously just be being used for sex. It's nothing new to me- used and abused. Sometimes I wished I didnt feel. Just be able to enjoy the feeling, without having those feelings of wanting something more. Something deeper... i can't help it. i wear my fragile heart on my sleeve. I expect so much - i wish i expected NOTHING. Take it for what it is- day by day. But no.. i'm fucked up. i hurt myself.. for absolutely nothing. There's nothing for me to feel sad for. i should only be feeling happiness.. i really should. But its not like that. not at all. its that clock ticking inside of me. Wanting to know.. wished he would tell me how he felt. I can believe i even let my feelings known, and he doesnt really say anything.... not that he has to - probably haw nothing to say. Probably feels nothing- to that extend. Just enjoys my company- enjoys my body. nothing more nothing less. can't ask him- cuz he wont really answer..... i already know.

I'm watching him work across the table from him. His eyes so intense... i love his jaw line, so defined. glasses on, glasses off- he's so sexy. I really can't stand it.

It really is my fault. I'm just attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable to me when i all i want is their love. Or they are the men who show their love in ways that are unknown to me. He's already admitted he's not the romantic type of guy- and here i am, ms. hopeless romantic... mismatch in heaven? Do i just learn how to deal? I guess i have no other choice.