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Dear Mom and Dad

please I want you to go to school

we're going to the town to the grocery stores on saturday

going to the Spokane, WA. on february 4th

today I Learned About money

and telling time

and to write in online journal.

last night I wanted the movies with Digimon Vol. 4

So, I had a "distracted" day! I started out by having to call Cory because I had forgot a paper at his house which I needed info off of... SO, after I got that straightened out,I told him that I was totally hurt by this all and said that if doesn't want me then we are over! I'm not going to play his game. He said he didn't know what to say because I caught him off gaurd. SO, then I thought about that and I had him figured out!!! I texted him: "SO, did i catch you off gaurd because you thought you could play with my heart and I'd still be here waiting? Damn Cory. I love you and want you, but you are losing me!" He texted back:Y"eah, maybe a little. Im sorry I am being such a jerk!! I love you too!" THEN after all this before I left the house I spaced out Sadie's haircut and totally missed it! AGH! Im a space when he jerks my heart around. why do I let him!? Don't answer that!

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So pathetic today! My tummy in knots, my mind somewhere else, my heart broken, my dreams crushed, I was totally PATHETIC>> I must say to myself, GROW up, GET OVER IT and GET ON with it! BUT, I didn't want to "get on with it today," I just wanted to mope around and feel sorry for myself. So, I had to pretend at work that nothing was wrong but a few people noticed I wasn't myself. I didnt' say anything about it at work!

I talked to Tom twice. He always enlightens me which is oddbecause he doesn't get any wisdom or words from God, but hey, I'm still workin on that! anyway, he kinda laughed at me, the said sorry for being too hard on me but he pointed out that we are "playing the game!" and that I got just what i wished for... In the past I had wanted to get rid of CN and move on,,, so here I finally got what I wanted he said! I agreed but I explained I was mad that he always wanted me and when I finally decide I want him he backs out! what's up with that!? SO, Tom said, he is just playing the game, he wants to have the upper hand for awhile and "teach me a lesson" and I should just say "to 'ell with 'em" BUT, on the other hand, if I want to play the game (which I don't) I need to play fair and let him "haveME time and decide what he wants, just as I have done several times in the past!" Okay, so with all that being said, I don't want to play the game but I think I better back off and give him time... and see if he comes around.So, that makes me sound desperate and DR. Phil said, I CAN NOT be desprate! DUH!

No one else sees it, and CN won't admit it but I think he is acting and talking like a typical guy who wants desperately to break up, see other girls and get as far away from me as possible but,.... NOT SHOW THAT because he wants to BE THE GOOD GUY and doesn't want to be TOO MEAN!! whatever! I know it would be totally hurtful but I think he should just come out and say that,,,, instead of being chicken shit! He wants his cake and eat it too,,,,Iknow thisbecauseWe talked briefly tonight(he texted me first) and he said, he still wants to chat, text and for me to call if I want or need to because he cares about me and still wants to be friends! I told him what Tom had said, and said Idon't want to play the game but I will give him his time as he has given me in the past! I also said, I hope it isn't too late when he decides. BUT, if I am right and he really doesn't have any intention of getting back together with me then what do I need to wait around for?so he can finishoff my broken heart! OH, boy, am I a mess, I reallyneed to just let him go, but I never thought he would do this to me. I thought when I was ready, we'd be getting married!!!! BUT, come to find out,"MR,I'm ready for commitment"REALLY ISN'T!OH and thanks for the NO SEX COMMENT! GOOD IDEA GOD!

i havent been doing much with myself. Just been takin it easy. I finally get to do a case tomorrow.... its an easycase, and of course, its the first case of the day. lol good ol scheduing dept.

Things with Steven are good. I have plans to fly to South Dakota the weekend after Valentine's Day. I already bought my ticket, tho I might stay one more day andcome home on tuesday instead. More time with Steven.. yippee..

So, I called him after I read this email! He wasn't very sweet to me. He brought up OLD stuff (moe) and didn't seem to want to work anything out. He pretty much clarified for me that we are "BROKE UP" and he just doesn't know what he wants, but right now it isn't me! I was VERY HURT... the most hurt because I had laid my heart out there on the line and BAM, he stomped on it!

nyt jotain tosi lyhyesti, koska pitäs niin olla nukkumassa.

tänään nukuin myöhään, johonki puol kahteentoista. tuntuu, että on tässä muutaman viikon aikana ollut niin sekavaa ja miljoonia eri tunteita, joten oon aika uupunut loppujen lopuksi. päivällä jopa sain luettua 30 sivua tenttikirjaa, mikä ei tiettykään oo hirveesti, kun huomisella luennolla käydään kai läpi joku 200 sivua. mut täytyy huomenna vähän koittaa päivällä vilkuilla sitä aluetta vielä.. viiden jälkeen lähdettiin sitten kaupungintalolle tervetuliais"juhliin". siellä tarjottiin viiniä, kaljaa ja salaatteja. oli ihan jees ruokaa, mut siitä meni maha sekaisin, että kiitos ruotsalainen kana. hehe. oli kyllä jossain määrin noloa, kun kaikki vaan meni ottamaan ruokaa, vaikka ei oltu annettu lupaa ja sellainen nainen, joka siellä piti tervetuliaispuheen suuttu keskellä puhetta, kun kaikki mölisi (en toki minä! tshihi). että tervetuloa vaihtarit vaan. ylipäänsä oli vähän outoa, että siellä talossa sai kierrellä ihan vapaasti.. esim huone, jossa pidetään kaupunginhallituksen istuntoja (tai niin pääteltiin) oli auki ja kaikki vaan sai ihan rauhassa tutkia siellä paikkoja. eikä siis ollut mikään ihan arkipäiväinen se talo... näytti enemmänkin joltain pressanlinnalta. siellä opin mm. että jos italiassa sanot ääneen olevasi vasemmistolainen, niin kuolet aika helposti. tiesihän sen toki, että siellä on poliittiset asiat tosi arkoja, mutta en tiennyt että se on ihan niin rajua se meininki.

sieltä mun piti lähteä puolalaiselle illalliselle olalle, mutta kadotin sen ja muut meidän buddyryhmäläiset jossain vaiheessa, joten päädyin sitten suomalaisporukassa kahville. se oli kyllä hassua, kun päätettiin puhua keskenämme ruotsia.. se oli huomattavasti helpompaa kun kaikki puhu samanlaista suomenruotisin tapaista sönkkäystä eikä tarvinnut pelätä virheitä. eihän siinäkään tosin saanut itseään ihan täysillä ilmaistua.. mut kyllä saatiin muutama kummastunut katse ruotsalaisilta..

sitten totesinkin, että jaaha, maha on aivan sekaisin, ja tulin kotiin. siinähän se päivä sitten olikin aikalailla. meseilyä loput. ja nyt onkin kello jo taas ihan kivasti, joten koisimaan.

olotila: hyvin väsynyt, hyvin sekava, mutta hyvin hyvä tavallaan

musiikki: the libertines - what became of the likely lads

OKAY, So, where did the roles reverse? NOW, I think I know what I want and he doesn't! what's up with that!? I am so confused. I think he is trying to "teach me a lesson" or "make me pay" or just let me down lightly! WHO KNOWS, but I am totally hurt (again). I think this might be detremental to our relationship... I don't know how many times we can be left hanging and NOT get together for good. I thought all I wrote in that email was good,,, I come across as someone who know what they want, confident, laid back and getting ready to give "ALL my love" to him. and now, BOOM, WE are officially "broke up" and he doesn't know what he wants! WOW, what a blow, from a guy who's always been there, WANTING ME and never willing to give me up and now he says we are NOT Dating and he's confussed! Well, shit, so am I

MEN, I guess I need to play hard to get again,,, he likes the chase,,, I can't keep the chase going if we get married, HAHA! OH, well, guess DR. Phil and I need another date,,, so he can remind me I don't need NO DAMN man!

Here's his email he just sent me,,,, (Good night- Help me God, to feel some sanity. God, you are all I need! right?)

This is my review of Zilker Park and�its affiliated surroundings.They did not ask me to write this and I am basing these opinions on my experience with the area. Your opinion may differ from mine.

There is a ton of stuff to do here, especially if you have children. Start at Zilker Park (entry to the park is free). Take your children inside Splash to learn about the Edwards Aquifer and�Barton Springs. This is a great way for children to have fun while being educated and its free. It has a hands on exhibits and child friendly computers for them to learn from. The short movie will keep your children engaged with its sound system and presentation. After that take your children to the playscape. It is awesome, with soft flooring to protect your child as she/he plays. They have tables where your child can figure out how sand and gravity work and other interesting things. This park has one of the nicer and more child friendly playgrounds in the Austin area. If your child gets bored, take them on the miniature train ride through the park. (There is a fee) Children love this. In the summer the park has live music (Zilker Hillside Theatre) at times and the kite festival. It also has Shakespeare in the park, which is great. Just sit on the lawn somewhere and enjoy. In late fall they have a haunted trail for trick or treaters. If you want to bring your children this is great and if you don't have children you can hand out candy. Winter brings on the trail of lights. This is huge in Austin. Try to go during the week because on weekends the cars make their own trail of lights. Christmas lights are twisted into�all kinds of Christmas designs. The first night they do the "Lighting of the Tree." Get there early or you want be able to find a place to park.

For the adults (children, if yours can swim) Barton Springs pool is great. It is always the same temperature year round. That's because it is fed by a spring so it never gets over 68 degrees. People swim here in the summer and the winter. In the summer it feels great when it is 101 in Texas but your body almost goes into shock when you hit the water. This water is deep. It is over my head in most places. I am�not short either. Pay attention to your children if they can't swim. There is a lifeguard on duty but a parent is their child's first and most important Life Guard. There is a per person fee to get in to the Pool area. Also,�sometimes you will come across someone sunbathing topless or I have even seen them nude near the bathroom area so, if you don't want your child to see this, it may not be an appropriate place to take your child.

�Across the street, a little caddy corner to Zilker Park is the Zilker Botanical Gardens. This is beautiful. It is FREE. You may go in and enjoy the coy ponds, fountains, and waterfalls. It is amazing to see. Take a stroll through the bamboo and take the little bridges across the ponds and streams. Don't forget to see the huge window that looks like a key whole. It was actually in someone's home at one time. There is a rose garden and you can't forget the Dinosaur part. It has larger waterfalls and is gorgeous. It has large dinosaur sculptures as well. Stop and rest at the top of the hill in a huge butterfly chair. You can also see the butterflies eat while you are in this area. Before you leave, check out the old school house and small buildings. These are historical and can add a little to your learning experience. On your way out you have to stop by the herb garden. Smell the aromas of different herbs such as rosemary and mint.

Next stop, Austin Nature and Science Center... Did you peak out into the street when you were headed back to the Dinosaur part of the Botanical Gardens? That big gate that looks out on the street and to Town Lake (Lady Bird Lake), is the first thing you will see when you head over to the nature trail. Just head up the hill and check out the sidewalk while you are headed up. As you can see, this is about the children. For some, this may be a hike getting up all those steps. They have a few benches along the way so take a rest if you need to. This is an amazing place. Let the children check it all out in the exhibit room. They are allowed to touch. They can also see the pond and waterfall from the huge glass window. Watch for turtles and things here. Then head out on the trails. Do not get off them because this place is all about preservation and you wouldn't want to destroy the foliage or flora. These trails will take you by the water and around to the wildlife area. It is great for the kids. Check out the wildlife exhibit. Most of these animals could not return to their natural habitat and survive so they keep them here so you can learn from them. These are not pets so do not allow your children to put their hands inside these cages. They look adorable but they still may bite. Here you will see a coyote, skunk, a cotymundo (not sure if I said that or spelled that right) I call it a coty. There is a racoon that is adorable. More animals are there as well and you should check with the center for feeding times if you would like your children to watch them eat. If you have children who are frightened easily you should check for sure because some of these animals eat baby chicks, whole. Grouse! Continue on and go inside the reptile/amphibian building. Here you will find snakes, turtles, frogs, and much more. Including salamanders. Keep going like you are going to leave the park but instead turn left when you get back through the big building. This is a great trail. If you are tired you must at least go to the start and see the birds. Here you will find hawks, buzzards, several types of owls, and lots more. There are turtles and such in this area as well. If you are ready you can leave this part of the area and head back down to the parking lot. Watch out for the pigions. They will do the deed on your head. They nest under all the bridges around this lake. Fishing here is great due to all the bird doo. This is the hike and bike trail area. At least go out and cross the bridge. Your kids will love it. Watch for wildlife in and on the water. You can rent canoes and canoe the lake if you feel up to it.

Back over to the Zilker Park area. Across Barton Creek from the park is another great picnic area where the Sunken Gardens used to be. I am not sure what is going on with this but if it is back up you should check it out. You can also walk the trail along the water and get below Barton Springs Pool here. There will be a ton of people in the water here if it is summer. (Free area). Across the street from this is Umlauf Sculpture Gardens and Museum. If you can say it then you are doing better than me. This is a fee based garden. It is really beautiful so if you have a little extra pocket change, check it out.

Finally, you can find great places to eat along Barton Springs road. There is also a fun put-put golf course and in the summer you can catch free concerts on the lawn next to Sevie Ray Vaughns statue. You were going there to see the statue anyway, right? Usually concerts are on Wednesday nights. Bring a blanket an icechest full of drinks for the kids and a frisbee in case they get bored. All set. �