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(Friday night)

I am reading "Smart Love" by Dr. Phil. The first part made me "deal with" who I am and my issues! and then what I want in a man! My issues stuff made me really think about the stem of my ANGER! So, Friday night after I got done reading some Dr. Phil I tried to go to sleep but for the first time in a LONGGGGG time I felt Donnie's presence. I started talking to him. I cried, as I told him he has hurt me so bad,,, and yes, I admitted my wrong-doingsand thenbegged for forgiveness. I was forthcomingthat I was an awful wife at times and I wasn't very helpful or supportive when it came to his addiction. I explained howI grew more and more bitter as the addiction mess got messier! As I was still crying and almost yelling, I told him of how DAMN angry I was and still am that he lied so much to me I probably don't even know the half of it!!!It felt like he was listening so I kept talking,,, Itold as things started to spiral out of control and I could see I had no control over anything my anger grew stronger. Then I was quiet for a bit,,, (if someone would have been there they would've thought I was going crazy!!)because then the next thing I know that came out of my mouth with gops of tears was "I KNOW you LOVE(D) me Donnie! I love you too!" THen I just asked him to set me free!Finally, I prayed and askedJesus to take care of my Buzz, who I love so dearly and always will! Then Ithanked God for this "healing" and to please help me to continue to deal with it and keephealing in a healthy way.

Can't believe it has been almost 2 years and here I am finally "trying to deal with my Donnie issues!" Guess Cory helped distract me for a year and a half!

今天是二宝一岁生日。欺负她啥也不懂，我们也没出门去庆祝。老公更是极不重视，愣是出差不回来。早上我们还带着小寿星去打预防针，可怜的二宝，过生日还被扎了好几针。唯一兴奋得就是大宝，亲自陪我去买蛋糕，还一路算计该把蛋糕切几份，更过分的是还戴着生日小帽子一路招摇，好像她在过生日。。。最后，二宝由于吃得太多，临睡前吐了一身，才给这第一个生日画了一个大句号。

一年来，爸爸妈妈为二宝付出很多。本以为大宝上幼儿园可以轻松一下了，结果我愣是生了第二个，让他们受累。心里很是惭愧内疚。要是能请到菲佣就好了。。。

谢谢爸爸妈妈一年来的付出，谢谢上帝给我2个宝贝女儿！愿爸爸妈妈健康长寿，祝女儿们快乐成长，（希望二宝快长牙，满长肉）。

I have a bad feeling about my social studies exam....i think that i might get a C or something like that....its just they asked some stupid and hard questions that us immigrats don't really know like who is the cheif of the education department....or those things.... its just so annoying but in the end i finished every question and slept until the exam was over! But then it wasn't a really good sleep coz i was in a sitting position and it was uncomfortable.....:(

later

Today i had my orientation for my nursing program. A good turn out of people showed up. I'm really looking forward to Tuesday. I gotta find out who i'm going to be friends with in the class.

My mom totally pissed me off this morning. I was already bumming that Steven was gone and the first thing out of my mom's mouth when i come downstairs is "did he leave already?" so i replied, as bitchy and best way i know how "yes, did u want to say goodbye him?" it just totally set me off the wrong way.

Steven texted me throughout his morning .. before he left and when he arrived in denver for a short layover. He called me from his special cell phone from the hospital. I just saw some weird number so i knew it had to be him and not some telemarketer.. tho.. he did pretend to be a creditor about why i havent paid my bills.. haha it was cute. He started sounding sad the more i talked to him. I think he misses me. I hope he does, because I miss him. ALOT.

They always say that people come into your life for a reason, whether it be a short time or a long time.. but it all has meaning. I really hope Steven is in my life for a good reason. I am so drawn to him its disgusting almost. His charisma, his attitude, his weird sense of humor.. i am sooo attracted to it. to him. I have felt this good about someone since John- pre drug abuse stage. and to think, that was almost 5 years ago.. that says a lot to me and the way i'm feeling about steven.

理性的母爱

不可否认, 母爱在孩子的成长过程中是至关重要的. 母亲究竟是如何看待从自己身体里分离出去的这个儿子呢? 少数母亲认为儿子是自己身上掉下来的肉, 只属于自己, 普通的母亲觉得儿子属于自己的家庭. 聪明的母亲认识到儿子属于社会, 伟大的母亲能理解儿子属于全人类.

上帝安排男孩子长大后离开母亲这个最爱自己的女人, 去选择自己心爱的另一个女人做自己的妻子, 并且承担家庭的责任. 从呱呱落地的娃娃到冲动多情的青年, 儿子在母爱的凝视中读懂爱是奉献这个道理, 他会用更加炙热的目光注视自己的爱人, 他追求自己的真爱时应该是充满激情的义无反顾.

理性的母亲有着博大的胸襟, 把精心哺育大的儿子推向另一个女人, 推向幸福, 在男孩变成男人的过程中, 不过多地期待儿子回盼自己, 更不能把儿子拉向自己或者让儿子在不孝的内疚中挣扎. 真正的爱是让儿子得到一份完整的爱情和健康的婚姻, 感情上的割舍和心理断乳不仅是儿子经历的也是母亲经历一个庄严, 神圣和高尚的过程. 母爱到了这个境界就令人肃然起敬. 当儿子做了父亲后, 就更能体会和敬重自己母亲的良苦用心.

少数的母亲用盲目炙热的母爱溶化了孩子应有的自我屏障, 孩子始终觉得跟妈妈是一体的, 这种孩子很难摆脱对母亲的依恋, 将来结婚后也不懂如何区分自己的生活和母亲的生活. 这样孩子生活没有主线, 左顾右盼, 活得很累, 他的配偶也就很辛苦地陪伴着身在朝廷心在汉的丈夫, 虽然身在小家, 但大脑一直生活在核心家庭中. 尽孝就成了一生还不完的债, 这小家的幸福会笼罩在丈夫强迫的负疚心理的阴影中, 当丈夫的眼睛常常失神地望着远方, 想着远方的母亲, 夫妻之爱会黯然失色, 家就失去了灵魂.

母爱是神圣的和永恒的, 但配偶的爱是要经营的, 如果, 忽略配偶的感受, 只知道盲目地回报母爱, 后果很糟糕. 人在幼年时期感受到母爱, 并不光是为了知道怎样在日后回报母爱, 而是在生活中能够创造爱, 爱妻子, 爱孩子, 爱同事, 爱朋友. 别忘了, 你在爱自己妻子的同时也在创造一个拥有母爱的伟大母亲.

中国文化里尽孝道的教诲远远多过经营婚姻的道理. 这也给无数婚姻的悲剧打下了伏笔. 很多夫妻没有认清这个道理, 很多父母也一辈子蒙在鼓里, 往往在他们用盲目的母爱断送了自己孩子的爱情或者婚姻后, 还全然不知. 中国传统的价值观充满了混淆家庭界限的逻辑, 比如 '不孝有三, 无后为大', 你的生命是我给的, 所以你的生活就是我的生活; 我可以也应该干涉你的决定; 因为我爱你, 所以我都是为你好, 你应该听我的; 牺牲自己的感情来孝敬父母的人常常倍受推崇. 大部分的人闹 个家庭不协调是再正常不过的了, 聪明的父母应该选择在离儿子房子一定距离的地方住. 这个距离是缓解两代人之间自然张力的必要条件.

中国母亲应该了解和思考, 西方的妈妈, 鼓励儿子独立, 不仅踢自己的儿子出门还在后儿子的后背再推上一把. 果断地截断心理和经济给养的脐带, 这是文明还是无情? 猫狗也有舔犊之情, 但没有一个老猫老狗指望自己的子孙尽孝, 它们都是鼓励甚至是强迫下一代自己出去觅食. 它们也没有期待着自己的孩子能照料自己终老. 我们不能天真地认为是动物低级无情, 无数事实证明, 自然界里, 人类并不是最聪明的动物. 因为只有人类在大肆地污染自己子孙赖以生存的环境. 别的动物都没忍心这样做.

懂得放手, 知道牺牲的母亲才能获得儿子的尊敬和深爱. 应该让儿子潇洒地享受爱情, 应该让儿子没有牵挂地为下一代付出, 做一个好丈夫和好父亲的妈是最幸福的也是最值得自豪的.

I had a pretty good day today. I was doing a lil shopping when Steven texted me for the freeway exit for the Carlsbad Outlet mall. I asked if i could join him and he said thats why he texted me. I really wanted to see him since I knew that he was going to be gone for a long time. He needed a new coat and some new shoes. We went to wilsons leather and he tried on some different jackets as i was the yay/nay sayer. He told me he appreciated that i was there helping him out. As we were looking at jackets, he asked me if there was one that i liked.. PSSSSHH.. like i was going to let him buy me a hundred dollar jacket. Granted, he could more than afford it, but damn, I can't do that.. not yet. I think it's too soon. We went shoe shopping and again, he offered to buy me a pair.. i said no and told me not to cry when i dont have any shoes. haha.. too cute.

I feel so good after i spend time with him. I feel so alive, so confident, so happy. It's just so crappy that he has to leave. But trying to look at the positives in everything, I did get to see him today. And i think we had a really good time. What he thinks, i dont know. But i do know that he likes me.

I cant help but wonder..

When will this end? How will it end.. and then theres that small minute chance that it will never end. I worked out today.. pushing my body to the brink of nature itself... wondering if pain and pleasure alwayswent hand in hand. like yin and yang.. if this like all things that brought pleasure... had to also come with pain. If i could endure anymore pain.. was the question. Cause Im just one muthafucka away from checking myself into the nut bin.. not that i need to be there....

but id rather deal with cute orderlys in scrubs... than deal with a bunch of stupid mother fuckin men who are too senseless and self centered to care about anyone else but them.Im not perfect.. far from it; but i do pretty well pretending to be perfect.

Ive gotten my temper together..i still have small moments of aggression. Meditation helps.. I dont have this jealousy thing going on.

He started looking at me.. differently lately.. that endless gaze that attempts to communicate on some level that I have feelings for you that just wont go past my lips... (for now). Or.. that gaze that says Im just looking for something in your eyes thatsays i canlet go.. let go of my emotions... open up my soul.

end story...

Last night I had a dream about steven. It was basically just reliving the moment in the truck.. Me sitting in his lap, looking into his eyes.. kissing him feeling him.. it was sooo nice.. In my dream, I got up off his lap and i all of a sudden woke up, to a damn charlie horse! That shit hurt soooo fucking bad. My left calf was pretty sore this morning.

When i woke up around 830ish i thought to myself.. "that was a damn good dream minus the charlie horse.. and i dont have to work!!!!!" It was awesome! Even tho the first thing i had to do was do my drive times and hours/exceptions for the pay period. but then i really didnt have to do any more work stuff. I didnt know what to do with myself. I thought about going to the casino, but decided against it when i didnt receive my expense check.

Talked to my steven. He had a busy day, i'm just glad I could make it a little lighter. I just stayed on the phone on speakerphone while he worked. I just enjoyed sharing the moment. But i found out some crappy news!!! Hes going out of town on friday, and i thought he was going to be coming home before the 24th but turns out he's not coming back until the 28th.. That soooo messes up all the plans.. all the things i wanted to do to him.. arggg.. the life of dating a surgeon... But figures.. This is what always happens. When you like someone a LOT .. they end up having to go away. Whyyyyyy.. lol hes going out of town feb 4-6 too.. or something like that.. wonder if he'll even think about making it up to me for valentine's day...haha right.