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Exodus 19:1 - 21:36

It's amazing because this weekend we were talking about things that get in the way of our relationship with God, and today's daily devotion talks about idols and the things we do that distract us from God. In today's passage there is the Ten Commandments. The first one being, "Do not worship any other gods besides me." This weekend at retreat I decided to give up most of the television shows and things that I had been watching. I would like to be able to completely give up watching tv but for now giving up the bad shows that were teaching me that it's okay to be like the world is sufficient. I've given up the shows that I used to think I would die without watching. I haven't died yet. I have already turned my music over to God, now I have turned the television over. Homer Allison, the speaker and the retreat, was very in your face, but I loved it. I liked that he didn't skirt around the truth. He knew what God said was okay and he taughtwhat God said wasn't okay. If you ever have the chance to hear him, he is one of the best speakers I have ever heard. He's amazing. He encouraged us to tell our "Jesus Story" and even gave us a chance to get rid of the negatives in our lives that distract us from God.We were all given a square tile. On that tile we were supposed to write things that are blocking our relationship with God. We were supposed to write the things we wanted to break away from. When we were finish writing, we were to go to the pond and throw the tiles in. We were giving it away 3 times. The first was when we prayed about it. The second was when we actually threw it away into the lake. And the third was when the water washed the tiles clean. I think that is amazing to think about. When I threw that tile into the water I felt a burden lifted. Not the whole burden, but a part that I thought I would never get rid of.

heyy

well i'm in high school now it's good to be in high school it's fun and enjoyable and some people might think that there work is to hard or your teachers and to mean but to be honest your high school teachers just wont you to pass so give them a break all they wont you to do is pass so you can have a good future and .................for the kids that are going to be starting high school next year and are like really scared don't be because all you should think about is that your going to make it and your going to have friends and i promise you that and if you find yourself not making friends then all you have to do is join aclub see when i was first starting i thought that i was never going to make any friends because i was like the loser at my old school but theni saw that i knew some peoplein my class from my other school then i think about a moth ago i was hanging around at lunch time and the wrestling coach came up to me and said would you like to try out for the team and i thought well it's weird and dumb but then i thought and then i said to myself well it's somthing new and somthing i might enjoy and i went and know i have lots of friends all you have to do is believe and put yourself out there so high school will be fun just don't drop out and don't start doing anything bad and go on the wrong path because it's not even worth it

well bye....jill

hey everyone

i created this online journal to help me put my thoughts together and learn more about myself and who i am..thats why most of my journals are going to be private : ) but if you want to know anything about me you can read my profile...

I started classes at Ivy Tech in Kokomo this previous Monday. I think I'm going to do okay in the classes that I picked out. They're seem like they're pretty easy (for me at least). I have a few updates in my life this new year.

When I got up with my fiance Saturday morning at 4:30 to get him off to work and after he left I heard my mother talking in the bedroom with someone. About 20 minutes later she comes out to the living room and asks me what time I have to work today and I replied at 1:30 to 10. She told me that my brother would have to take me to work then because she has to go to the hospital. And I'm like What?! My grandfather had gotten up at 4 Saturday morning to go to the bathroom. He stood up out of bed and had a major headache, so he layed back down. Then, he poked my Grandma Louise in the side and asked her to go get him some Tylenol for his headache. She brought back Bayer Asprin instead. He then went to the bathroom with the aid of holding onto things on the way. He started coming back to the bedroom and he got halfway there and couldn't go any farther. So, he layed down on the couch in the living room. That's where he stayed until the Ambulance came. They took tests at Marion General Hospital, and it showed that he had a brain bleed. So, they lifelined him to Methodist Hospital (Clariton Health) in Indianapolis. I ended up calling off work and going to the hospital with my mom and the rest of my family. He is staying at the Critical Care Unit at Methodist Hospital until further notice. He is doing a lot better since his surgery at 2:00 yesterday afternoon. Hopefully he will be returning home here shortly.

Other news is...I am now engaged to a man (Zachary Scott Ollis) that I love, so desperately and can't wait to spend the rest of my life with. He is so great to me. He may not be a total complete Christian, but he is working on it. The great thing about that is is that he will help me with my walk with the Lord, but in the same great way I will also be helping him.

DEPRESSED. THAT'S HOW I FEEL TODAY. WHY? LET'S SEE:

1. I'M $15,000.00 IN CREDIT CARD DEBT!

2. MY MARRIAGE IS IN DIAR NEED OF REPAIR, WHICH I'M HAPPY TO SAY WE ARE WORKING ON BUT THERE'S SOME THINGS THAT JUST CAN'T BE AGREED ON WHICH TAINTS THE REST, FOR ME ANYWAY.

3 I DON'T HAVE ASTEADY JOB BECAUSE HUBBY WANTSME TO WORK WITH HIM AND HELP HIM WITH HIS BUSINESS SO I DON'T HAVE A STEADY INCOME. I WORK A FEW HOURS A WEEK UNDER THE TABLE BUT THAT'S IT.

4. I'M OUT OFSHAPE.

5. MY SELF ESTEEM IS AT AN ALL TIME LOW.

6. I FEEL VERY ALONE. I HAVE DAUGHTER AND HUBBY BUT NO PARENTS, NO BROTHERS OR SISTERS.

7. I FEEL LIKE A BURDEN TO HUBBY JUST BY THINGS HE'S SAID.

8. I HAVE TOO MUCH SCATTERED ENERGY. CAN'T FOCUS ON ANYTHING.

9. I HAVE NO MOTIVATION.

10. I HAVE NO GOALS, AMBTIONS AND DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET MYSELF MOTIVATED TO HAVE THEM.

you really cant expect to win such a high caliber of game when your major starters are injured and can't score touchdowns in the red zone. Today's loss to the patriots was very rough. The patriots are on the verge of NFL history. and the NY giants beat the packers.. i cannot believe it. eli manning is going to the super bowl before the chargers. AARGG.. the irony and heartbreak!

So i found out that Steven is going back to south dakota in the middle of feb. He brought up the fact that i should fly out there to be with him during the weekend. i couldnt even believe it!!! Stuff u dream about i guess.. but now its becoming reality? If he's willing to foot the bill of a round trip ticket so that he can spend some time with me, how can i say no? i would LOVE the chance to spend time with him and to be locked up in a hotel room alllllll weekend long.. i could so do that, no problem!!

Tomorrow is my last day of freedom. then its back to the grind... back to school. I'm excited.. yet.. i'm dreading it lol hopefully there will be cool people in my class to make it easier!!

WELL I JUST WOKE UP FROM A DREAM. A DREAM THAT WAS REAL EVERYTHING IN MY DREAM WAS WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING TO HUBBY DURING OUR LAST 50 FIGHTS. "I WILL CONTINUE TO WORK ON CHANGING ME BUT NOT AS MUCH AS I WILL WORK ON HELPING YOU CHANGE YOU!" THE DREAM WAS OF HIM AND I, I BELIEVE AT HOME, AND MY AUNT THAT I'M CLOSE TO, ALONG WITH MY DEAD GRAMMIE (MY MOTHER'S MOTHER) CAME TO VISIT. EVERYTHING WAS GOOD AND WE ALL WERE LAUGHING AND TALKING ABOUT MY DAUGHTER AND OUT OF THE BLUE MY HUBBY SAID SOMETHING LIKE - WELL NOW I CANT REMEMBER WHAT HE SAID BUT IT WAS SOMETHING VERY MEAN. HE THEN WALKED OFF. I RAN AFTER HIM AND HE WAS IN A SMALL ROOM (MAYBE A BATHROOM) AND HE HAD THIS SMIRK ON HIS (ACTUALLY HE LOOOKED DOWNRIGHT HAPPY) AND I SAID, "WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT? WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" HE SAID, "WELL YOU GOT A LOT OF GOOD POINTS WHEN WE WERE TALKING LAST NIGHT AND SO I WANTED TO GET YOU BACK." I WAS LIKE WHAT??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? HERE I THINK WE'RE FIXING STUFF AND YOU GO AND DO THAT? I JUST FREAKED. I WAS LIKE, "DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT IF YOU DON'T STOP TORTURING ME WITH YOU WORDS AND UNKINDNESS TO ME i'M LEAVING??? I'M TAKING MAKAYLA AND WE'RE MOVING OUT? I AM NOT GOING TO CONTINUE TO LIVE LIKE THIS AND YOU BETTER STOP! THEN I GOT RIGHT IN HIS FACE AND LOOKED HIM STRAIGHT IN THE EYES TO MAKE SURE THAT HE HEARD ME AND SAID, "DO YOU SEE MY EYES?? LOOK AT THEM! DO I LOOK LIKE I'M KIDDING OR JUST TALKING??" HUBBY SAID, "SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO LEAVE NOW?" I SAID, "NO BUT IF YOU DON'T STOP IT'LL WILL BE VERY SOON!" I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE AND I WON'T. I DON'T DESERVE THIS AND IT'S ENOUGH!" I STARTED TO LEAVE THE ROOM AND WAS GOING DOWN THIS LONG FLIGHT OF STAIRS AND HE PUSHED ME. RIGHT THEN I SAW HIS SISTER COMING TOWARDS THE STAIRCASE FROM BELOW AND SHE JUST LOOKED AT US. NEVER SAID FOR HUBBY TO STOP OR WHAT'S GOING ON OR NOTHING AND I REMEMBER THINKING, HE COULD KILL ME AND THEY WON'T SAY A WORD TO HIM. WELL AS I WAS FALLING INTO THE STAIRCASE RAILING AND TRYING TO GRAB ON I TURNED TO HIM AND STARTED CRYING AND YELLING, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? OR SOMETHING TO THAT AFFECT. I WOKE UP RIGHT THEN. WOW WHAT A TERRIBLE DREAM BUT IT'S ACTUALLY LIKE ALOT OF OUR FIGHTS. THINGS CAN BE GOING GOOD AND THEN WOW, OUT OF THE BLUE, HE'LL MAKE A REMARK THAT SENDS ME REELING. HIS EXCUSE IS THAT HE HOLDS STUFF IN UNTIL HE EXPLODES.

OUR DAUGHTER IS AWAY FOR THE WEEKEND SO WE SPENT ALOT OF TIME TALKING LAST NIGHT BEFORE WE WENT TO THE MOVIES AND EVERYTHING WAS GOOD. WE HAD A GOOD TIME, SOME LAUGHS AND REALLY ENJOYED EACH OTHERS COMPANY SO I DON'T KNOW WHY I HAD TO DREAM THIS DREAM. MAYBE I'M AFRAID IT WON'T LAST. THE FIGHTING AND THE RUDE COMMENTS WILL COME BACK? I DON'T KNOW. ALSO, I DON'T KNOW WHY MY DECEASED GRANDMOTHER WAS IN THE DREAM AND WHY HIS SISTER, AS I WAS ALMOST FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS, DIDN'T SAY SOMETHING. IN REALITY I'M SURE SHE WOULD HAVE, OR AT LEAST I THINK SHE WOULD HAVE. I'M JUST WONDERING WHAT THIS DREAM COULD BE TELLING ME.

ANYWAY, I JUST WANTED TO GET THIS WRITTEN DOWN BEFORE I FORGOT IT. I WISH I COULD REMEMBER WHAT HUBBY HAD SAID IN THE DREAM THAT SET ME OFF. FUNNY WHO I BLOCKED THAT OUT. MAYBE IT'S TRUE AND SOMETHING I NEED TO WORK ON AND IF SO WHY DID I BLOCK IT OUT?

I'LL WRITE MORE LATER.

HEDDA

I was pretty bored today. There was nothing for me to do. No one to really hang out with. I decided on going up to Lake Elsinore Outlet Mall. Just as I was about to leave, Steven called me. He was being cute again; telling me he fantasized about me. I told him how gabe wanted to go to dinner. He said he was already jealous, and i told him that I didnt want to be with anyone else, and he didnt want to be with anyone else either. So we're making ground on where we stand...

I went to petite sophisticate and i found some CUTE jeans.. I went to go pay for them, i opened my wallet and my check card wasnt in there!!. Then i remembered i put them in my jean pocket from the day before. I am sooo retarded... Just then my mom called and said she left the garage open, but i dont remember the garage being opened. But i really had no choice but to go all the way back home. so that totally suckedddd.. but it was a nice drive.

I finally spoke to charisse. I havent talked to her since right before she left town for xmas. i told her all about steven she seemed to be really happy for me. All while ignoring any questions that had to deal with her mom. She's studying for finals and just can't deal with the added stress. which is definitely understandable. But it was good to finally talk and stuff. It was good times and laughs.