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Thursdays are always such refreshing days for me...

i sleep in until the whee hours of the evening.... but this thursday he and i both have off.. i havent spent a whole day with him since i had surgery... and at that point i was just boning him.. .because.

Well..J called me today... asking me if i rememberd a scratch on the rear of his precious08 mbenz... i told him no. I think that was part of his problem.. he wanted to keep things perfect.. life isnt perfect.. im not perfect.. and he cant protect me from dings all my life! He never did understand that i could take care of myself... sure its nice that he occasionally paid this or that.. which mean that i had more money to spend on inportant stuff like me! lol.. but he incapacitated me... when he paid all my bills for that one month... i didnt even know what to do with myself. I cant have a man that enables me to be wreckless..... if you want to do something special. take me on a shopping spree... dont pay all my bills and send me raving mad with 5gs in the bank that month (i made bonus.. too at work) and set me free.

Ive concluded that i miss different men in my life for different reasons... as follows

i miss the man that planned getaways.. for he and i

i miss the man that sent me flowers to my job...

i miss the man that bought me flowers every month just to remind me of a fresh start..

i miss the man who would.. think of me in randomness.. and purchase a really great book that he knew id love..

i missed the man.. now that theres ice out.. who cleared my windshield of ice.. because he knows i hate doing it.

i miss the man who.. doded on me with his gentle touch and expressions of his love..

i miss the man who.. loved me.. with all my inperfections.

i guess looking at this list.. i miss the menwho were creative in thier ways of expressing the ways in which they cared about me.. and for me.

i love creative men.. every action they do.. says it was with you in mind that i did this.. not just some random.. thing that all men do.

sos.. surprised me the other day in his semi randomnesss... got me a little doggie that looked like taurus.. wasnt much.. but it meant that he was inspired by this object.. and thought of me. that means alot.. especially with his recent attempts to communicate a sense of emotion.. with his gazes and tender kisses in the morning.. wonder if he will progress into being as random as i? i thought that hed get the hint... when i started in my randomcreativeness... but he didnt.. you can lead a horse to water but you.. (lol.. cant make em.. drink!) guess the adage is true... i guess hes just enjoying being thought of.. but damnit.. he needs to remember.. that its a two way street.

cap keeps annoying me.. i think ill be nice and tell him a final lie to put him out of his misery.... id rather lie than tell him that his obsession with me is totally unfounded.. and since we have never even kissed id think that he would get that through his head.. i guess its my fault though since im the one who egged him on to send me cumshots.. since he always said he thinks of me when he masturbates.. who cares.. but man do i laugh my ass off when i see his tiny dick.. (he holds it between his thumb and forefinger.. its so small.)

well... thats it for now.. brain hurts.

Today is my birthday and I turned 38.. Gosh I feel old..lol.. my babies are 17 years old and 18 years old already... My birhtday actually sucked because only a few people remembered it and that was Tom, Pam, and some of my friends... they were awesome... they left me comments on my space and my year book but i was really pissed off becausenone of my own family who live on myspace could even wish me a happy birhtday.. its not like they didnt know because myspace leaves a birthday reminder for all the friends and familys on their home page...
but oh well cus what goes around comes around i guess...
until next time...

Not the best way to start the school year.. LOL...... I got about 17 textbooks and one of the very first things we were given in class was a packet regarding background checks. We were informed that we had to take a drug test, TODAY before the place closes. believe me, i freaked the fuck out. I started having heart palpatations and shit. For a lil bit, i was worried that I wouldnt even have enough time to buy a detox drink at the head shop. But one of our teachers decided that she would let us out at 12 so we would have plently of enough time. As soon as i was done, entering my information on my computer for the background check i got into my car as fast as i could. I stopped by Blues Bros and they were all out of drinks!! So i went to Vishions in Esco, walked in saying.. "i need the BEST drink u have, i gotta take a drug test in a few hours!" The dude working gave me this one drink, costs friggin $50!!! It tasted like complete SHIT... but i really hope it works. I was sweating like crazy earlier today and i threw up several times. I hope thats all part of the detox, cuz if its not, lol then that drink did not sit well in me.

Steven called me after i got home and threw up some. I had a massive headache. I had to tell him about the drug test. I felt he was disappointed, but he laughed and said.. "i guess now wouldnt be the best time to tell you not to do illegal drugs, huh?" He suggested some funny things to pass a test- like i'm really going to get someone who has clean pee.. get a catheter and put it back in my bladder.. that is just the craziest thing i have ever heard of LOL.. only a urologist would think of something like that. He was very comforting tho. I felt like crying cuz i was so stressed and just hearing his voice made me relax a little bit.

hej ni alla!

nyt vihdoin sain netin toimimaan. eilen jonotin kaks tuntia jotta sain itselleni ip-osoitteet ja muut paskat. sit en ees meinannu saada koko hommaa toimimaan, ku en oo mikään nero. koitin siis väärälle verkkokortille laittaa niitä tietoja (tai jotain, en tiedä.) tänään sit meinasin myöhästyä ensimmäisestä "virallisesta" jutusta, kun sain netin toimimaan just ennenku piti lähteä. hehee.

eli tänään oli sellainen wellcome-"luento", joka oli tosi turha. siellä oli joku poliisi kertomassa että täällä ei saa käyttää huumeita. jep jep. ja sit joku ruotsin ope opettamassa "hej!" "jag heter..." "jag kommer från...". siinä se sit olikin aikalailla. no loin mä siellä lähes ekat kontaktini täällä.. yllättäen suomalaisiin. ja sehän ei ollu se pointti, mutta mun viereen sattu istumaan sellainen tyttö. sitten kun piti vieruskaverilta kysyä "vad heter du" niin sen nimi oli katriina. sit olin vaan "ootko suomalainen?" ja olihan se. ja vieläpä jyväskylän yliopistosta. että on taas maailma pieni.

mutta täytyy kyllä sanoa, että ei täällä hirveesti pidetä huolta vaihtareista. on toki samantapainen buddy-programme kun suomessakin, mutta se että kuulut johonki ryhmään ei välttämättä millään tavoin tarkota sitä, että mitään järjestettäis. mä nyt olen siitä onnellisessa asemassa, että tuossa kohta pitää lähteä kahville ryhmän kanssa (jos sinne nyt si ketään tulee), mutta esim katriinan buddysta ei oo kuulunu mitään. lisäks joillekin on tullu tietoa kaikenmaailman pubikierroksista ja peli-illoista. mulle ei mitään. en oikeen tajua. ois ihan hirveen kiva osallistua kaikkeen mahdolliseen, jotta tutustuis ihmisiin, kun ei se nyt noin vaan tunnu onnistuvan. kämppiksistä oon tavannu kolme. kaks ruotsalaista tyttöä ja yks saksalainen, ihan mukavia tyyppejä, mutta ei niitäkään oikeen nää, kun kukaan ei ees halua käyttää tota keittiöö kun se on aika kälynen ja sotkunen ja täynnä roinaa. sovittiin kyllä että siivotaan se ja sit järkätään bileet, joissa pitää juoda yks joka kämpässä. saas nyt sit vaan nähdä, koska sekin toteutuu.

kaupunkina tää on kyllä tosi kiva. oon tuhlannu jo aika paljon rahaa, mutta en vielä yli varojeni. löysin maailman parhaan levykaupan ja sit sellaisen putiikin, jossa myydään bändipaitoja ym. tunnelma täällä on vähän sellainen, mitä ruotsista odottikin. kaupungilla kun kävelee, niin kyllä välillä tuntee olonsa jotenkin vähän sottaiseksi, kun tuntuu, että sellaiset rokimmatkin tyypit on tosi sliipattuja.. mutta en mä kyllä silti aio muuttua sliipatuksi. olenhan suomalainen. hehee.

tosiaan eka juttu, jonka onnistuin täällä tekemään oli se, että hukkasin rahapussini. jätin sen lentokenttäbussiin. iski pieni paniikki. menin sitten hienolla ruotsintaidollani turisti-infoon sönkkäämään. raahasin perässäni 23,5 kiloista matkalaukkua ja selässäni 8 kiloista reppua. infon täti alkoi soitella puheluita eikä oikeesti menny kun ehk 10 minuuttia, niin sain tietää että mun rahapussi on sen bussifirman jossain toimistossa. mulle toki näytettiin kartalta missä se on, eikä se nyt ollu ees kauheen kaukana. mutta tietty eksyin matkalla. onneks jotkut kiltit miehet opasti mua. olin siinä vaiheessa jo ihan kuollu... sit kun pääsin sinne toimistoon asti, en tosiaan löytäny sitä paikkaa mihin mun piti mennä. taas lisää ruotsin sönkkäystä. lopulta sain kuitenki rahapussini takaisin, eikä puuttunut kun jotain 500kr (eli 50 e). kävi hiton hyvä säkä, että se ylipäänsä löytyi ja että sieltä ei ollu viety mitään muuta, meinaa siellä oli kuitenki 1800kr, hieman euroja ja ihan kaikki mun kortit ja muut. tuon jälkeen oon kyllä tarkistanu jatkuvasti onko mulla kaikki tallella...

kun vihdoin pääsin taksiin löysin asukastoimiston helposti ja sain helposti myös avaimeni ja vieläpä kämppäkin löytyi hetkessä. on tää kyllä yllättävän kiva. huone on isompi kun odotin ja oma vessa ja suihku löytyy, eikä nekään oo niin kauheet kun ois voinu olettaa. hieman ankeahan tämä on, kun ei oo mitään sisustusjuttua.. eilen sitten hieman siirtelin huonekaluja ja ripustin bändipaitani seinälle. nyt on ees vähän kodikkaampi olo.

kohta tulee kamala kiire sinne kahville, joten täytyy lopettaa. hejdå!

i would want to be a quiet person now.....i'd only show who i am to my closet friends....and Vanessa and Vaneza is out of that catagory....... If vanessa havn't told jeremy to change then i wouldn't be hurt this much.....i wouldn't havee to suffer like this.....i would have recodnise him.....he will still be the Brat i knew...... for Vaneza....i know that she's annoyed of me....i know that she hates me.....i know that she just wants to say "go away freak!" just like everyone i knew....

A Quiet person.....all i ever wanted to be....all i wished to be.....not emo....just quiet...

Later

Well. SO MANY THINGS HAVE HAPPEND! since the last time ive been on here...that boy i was talkin to last..we dated..he was more than just a normal boy && i figured that out not in a well way. im not even too sure what happend still to this day..the middle of summer happend. he found a hotter girl..who didnt want him like i wanted him. but thats his mistake. in a way i felt like i made some BIG mistakes with him..i didnt know how to handle this 19 year old male who wants sex all the time. but i remember that night hanging out with him ..when he cut it off between us, as in dating. he tried to be so casual with it but i knew what that ass was going for. "this is our last night together so lets fuck" thats not the way he said it but thats how i heard it. but after him..i tried to be more cautious but theres been a few boys ive made out with..thats it..since him. he was my last serious deal. i need another one. its been too long && im not one to usually say that. but all these boys that i made out with...were for the wrong reason. i was using them for money, weed, drugs, alcohol...ya know the deal. i hooked up with 2 dealers..&& i got the deal...but wouldnt ever want a relationship with them. my mom would kill me if she found out i was datin the 20 year old mexican mafia dealer...the other one being 22...the 20 year old was sweet though...&& i might've but it wouldve been something on the low. my sisters couldnt even know. but then he disappeared the lene tex && like other mexican mafia drug dealers..they had warrants out the ass && couldnt get caught, so he said he was going out of town && he would be back but he never was. i would get random phone calls from him && we would talk forever..id let him know everything goin down in town..the business && what not.

but im falling apart...gaining weight which doesnt make sense..i guess because im not in sports anymore. i wanna live those days we were living last year at this time. i cant take this reminiscing anymore! it drives me nuts. i dont even party that much anymore..if u call sitting at your house drinkin with a few folks partyin then i am but thats not what i consider partying in my eyes. ive become a drug dealer in most peoples eyes. just get that little quick && make money && smoke for free. i feel as if school is going down drain too..but the grades dont show it. im making it. attendance shows it though..i cant help it! ugh! i cant write about my life anymore.

I actually woke up at almost 10 this morning; it felt really good. I really didnt know what i was going to do with myself. I ended up running errands- getting munchies and shower neccessities.

Steven called me while i was out. he didnt know if he'd be able to talk to me later because he was giving a talk. Said he was getting all dressed up and stuff. I bet he would look so handsome in a nice tailored suit. with his stylish armani glasses. mmmm very hot.

i ended up taking a nap when i got home and its just going to mess up me when i have to go to sleep. It's bad enough that i'm going to being all uppity cuz tomorrow is first day of school.

Talked to steven after dinner and he was being so cute. Things started to get a little hot..... i can't wait to see him. I want to feel his lips on mine.. feel his arms around me. it really sucks. he told me that he knew he wanted to be with me right when he saw me. Love at first sight!! he definitely felt the chemistry... i'm glad...