Here's an interesting thought. We don't just need a mental concept of God (info, thoughts, ideas etc.), we need an emotional concept of God, because ultimately our souls overrun our minds (which is why we often behave irrationally). The idea comes from "Sidetracked in the Wilderness" by Michael Wells.
"The church today is full of unbelieving believers, who with their minds run to God, but with their emotions run away from Him. Much time and effort have been spent persuading people's thoughts to agree with what Scripture says, but very little attention is give to the emotions, which need equal convincing; an emotional concept of God is just as important as the intellectual view."
So here's a little test I took. Answer the questions as if you were in your worst moment. Firs thing that comes to mind...
1. When I think about being with God I feel.... In my worst moments I don't want to be with God. I'd rather hide, it's all too hard. I am unworthy, distant, hopeless, don't want to talk to him, feel unacceptable, feel like he's disappointed, aloof. Don't feel like he cares. I'd rather ignore him. He's a priority, a task, a chore, something else that I'm failing at.
2. When I have to trust God, I feel.... uncertain, resentful, I'd rather not have to trust him, I'm not sure if or when He'll come through. Can't rely on Him. He might, He might not, just depends on something outside of my control. Trusting is not easy. It feels risky. Hard to do. Something I HAVE to do.... Obligated. Cornered.
3. When I think about God I wish... he wouldn't be so ethereal, difficult to grasp and to know, I wish he wouldn't be so invisible, unreachable, uncommunicative, silent, distant. I wish he was more real...closer, nicer, kinder, more fun, less strict, demanding, more tolerant. I wish he was more approachable. I wish he was like the perfect daddy, who would hold out his arms and I could run into them, knowing I'd done bad stuff but that it didn't matter. I wish he was more comforting. I wish he didn't just leave me to my own mess but that he would know when I've had enough and step in and rescue me.
4. Sometimes I get angry with God when ... He doesn't change my situation. When he doesn't change my wife, my staff, my results. I get angry .. more resentful when He holds out on me ... when he takes off and I can't get in touch with Him. When I'm depleted and empty and in pain and he's not there. I get angry because he makes demands on my life without helping me. It's all a one way street sometimes. I get angry when I can't do what God wants me to do.... when I can't deliver the goods, can't live up to his high expectations, when I fail him and others. I get angry because he traps me and there's no way out.
5. It frustrates me when God wants me to... to do the impossible. To live in pain. To meet his expectations. Keep going when I've got nothing left. Keep believing, serving, trying, reading, praying. Why can't he do something himself? Why do I have to do so much and he doesn't have to do anything? Why does he get to sit back while I work my butt off. Why do I have to change myself, why can't he change me? It's too hard for me, and a cinch for him. This doesn't make sense!!! It's frustrating building the house, when the Lord doesn't build the house, we labor vainly, but what else is there to do? He won't do it, so we must!
6. I really enjoy God when... He speaks to me. When I'm worshiping him. When I don't have to pray, serve, read my bible or behave in a certain way, or get results. I enjoy being on holidays and getting away and being in the wild, watching a sunset. When I'm out of phone range, and away from draining people and when I am confronted by beauty. In stillness, quietness, in reflection. When I don't have an agenda, or a responsibility or a task. In situations where I can't really get anything done, but I can just be.... I really enjoy God when he does good things without me being behind it. Spontaneous good. Awesome! I enjoy God when he uses me, when he inspires me, when he shows me the way, when he comforts me, when my paradigms shift, when I understand him better.
7. The one thing I would change about myself to please God is.... throttle myself and go to heaven?? ok no seriously... ummm this one's hard. I'm just a dufus, thick as a brick, a bit of a failure, I would become more tranquil and heavenly minded.
8. When I think about God's commands I feel... impossible, defeated, go jump, it's too hard, imposing, nuisance, burdened, I'll never be able to do it.... no fun, out of reach..
9. Sometimes I wish God would... turn away. Not look at me. Leave me alone. Stop pressuring me. Just change me. Help me. Not stand around silently. Get involved. Work in me and through me. Help Himself. Glorify Himself, bless me, give me peace. Lift me up, heal me. Stop being so mysterious and out of reach for the average person. He was more tangible in the bible, but right now he's playing hide and seek. Show Up! Have a go! Do Something! Anything!
10. I can really depend on God when... When I operate in my gifts. When I let him lead me. When I give him control.
11. In my relationship with God, I'm always sure that He will... never leave me alone. Never give up on me. Always be there. Will be constant. Won't change his mind. Speak eventually. Won't let me struggle forever. Have a plan for me and a destiny.
12. The one thing that frightens me most about God is... He could get me out on a limb and hang me out to dry. Publicly humiliate me. Embarass me. I could try and do something by faith and He just might not show up and come through for me...
13. God surprises me when... He does something on his own without me making it happen through travail, prayer, confession, repentance, research, trying, believing... Like a breakthrough somewhere in my life that I didn't have to contrive. When He changes a paradigm in my mind and I see things totally different. That's cool.
14. One thing I'm afraid God will do is.... Let me crash and burn, go too far and tip me over. Fry me. Push me beyond my limit to cope emotionally or mentally.
Apparently these are pretty standard answers. So it's no wonder the average Christian isn't close to God.
Thursdays are always such refreshing days for me...
i sleep in until the whee hours of the evening.... but this thursday he and i both have off.. i havent spent a whole day with him since i had surgery... and at that point i was just boning him.. .because.
Well..J called me today... asking me if i rememberd a scratch on the rear of his precious08 mbenz... i told him no. I think that was part of his problem.. he wanted to keep things perfect.. life isnt perfect.. im not perfect.. and he cant protect me from dings all my life! He never did understand that i could take care of myself... sure its nice that he occasionally paid this or that.. which mean that i had more money to spend on inportant stuff like me! lol.. but he incapacitated me... when he paid all my bills for that one month... i didnt even know what to do with myself. I cant have a man that enables me to be wreckless..... if you want to do something special. take me on a shopping spree... dont pay all my bills and send me raving mad with 5gs in the bank that month (i made bonus.. too at work) and set me free.
Ive concluded that i miss different men in my life for different reasons... as follows
i miss the man that planned getaways.. for he and i
i miss the man that sent me flowers to my job...
i miss the man that bought me flowers every month just to remind me of a fresh start..
i miss the man who would.. think of me in randomness.. and purchase a really great book that he knew id love..
i missed the man.. now that theres ice out.. who cleared my windshield of ice.. because he knows i hate doing it.
i miss the man who.. doded on me with his gentle touch and expressions of his love..
i miss the man who.. loved me.. with all my inperfections.
i guess looking at this list.. i miss the menwho were creative in thier ways of expressing the ways in which they cared about me.. and for me.
i love creative men.. every action they do.. says it was with you in mind that i did this.. not just some random.. thing that all men do.
sos.. surprised me the other day in his semi randomnesss... got me a little doggie that looked like taurus.. wasnt much.. but it meant that he was inspired by this object.. and thought of me. that means alot.. especially with his recent attempts to communicate a sense of emotion.. with his gazes and tender kisses in the morning.. wonder if he will progress into being as random as i? i thought that hed get the hint... when i started in my randomcreativeness... but he didnt.. you can lead a horse to water but you.. (lol.. cant make em.. drink!) guess the adage is true... i guess hes just enjoying being thought of.. but damnit.. he needs to remember.. that its a two way street.
cap keeps annoying me.. i think ill be nice and tell him a final lie to put him out of his misery.... id rather lie than tell him that his obsession with me is totally unfounded.. and since we have never even kissed id think that he would get that through his head.. i guess its my fault though since im the one who egged him on to send me cumshots.. since he always said he thinks of me when he masturbates.. who cares.. but man do i laugh my ass off when i see his tiny dick.. (he holds it between his thumb and forefinger.. its so small.)
well... thats it for now.. brain hurts.
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