nodeadends's Journal

 
    
30
Aug 2007
2:04 PM EDT
   

I finally got the keys to the apartment. I feel a little relieved, I can breathe a little easier. this is the shortest entry will write more in a few days.
1 comment(s) - 08:13 PM - 07/29/2008
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29
Aug 2007
10:32 AM EDT
   

My day is fucked up its my last day I showed up more than 30 minutes late, the bus driver ran up on the damn curb. X.E. was walking so slow I missed my intended bus. Then when I got here the space was tense. I called home earlier to find the boys were left alone with DJ's brother. Zay was supposed to be watching them; she was gone over an hour. She can't see why this is a problem, last night she left and tried to climb back in the window. Of course I opened the door, she brought DJ's bike back in and left both of my doors open. It's no wonder I woke up on time, thank god for Jerry. Who has told me constantly to put her so grown ass the hell out numerous times. I can't keep this up she is sabotaging me and everything I attempt. She claims she did the laundry the clothes don't look or smell clean at all. I am on the verge of choking her to death seriously. On lighter note, my baby's birthday went well she had her princess cake. Curtis the boys and I went to the park and McDonalds' of course. I had planned to talk to him about where things were going between us but he never showed up. I guess after I told him I wasn't going to fuck him he figured what was the point. He told me without saying anything where we stand. I have decided to let go of any hope of being with him and just focus on myself and the kids. He doesn't want shit, and I can't afford to waste another moment on him. Why can't he just be a man and say I am not that into you. Oh yeah I called the house a few minutes ago and the freaking line was busy, she does nothing all day but lay on her back, fuck for food or whatever she can get from someone. It's hard for me to fathom that we share the same god damn DNA. She is a lazy and slack ass hoe. Her hygiene needs work; before I get in the house I can smell her body funk! We have soap and water is free so what the hell is the problem. Maybe she is starting a new trend, clean is out and slackness is in! When I say I don't like her I mean that shit, she is nothing like me. She has no get up, no motivation, and most of all no fucking scruples. Her so call game is lame and tired what she is doing prostitutes having been doing (but better) since the biblical era. She doesn't remind me of myself; most people would say she is like me, not true. Yes she has some similar features but that is it. I don't even want people to know were related. I would like to forget she even exists. I wish she were dead, I told the pastor this some time ago; perhaps he thought I was speaking of out anger. Not all, I don't know what movie I saw this on but a woman killed her kids they could avoid becoming slaves. I want to murder her so I don't have the constant trouble and worry or headaches and ass aches she constantly causes. She is a pop off, with her paper thin anorexic looking ass. This is the reason why I need professional help and medication, to deal with the bullshit.

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24
Aug 2007
6:17 AM EDT
   

The day has just started and am already stressed out already. I went for an interview yesterday, as wasn't feeling it at all. I don't want to work for peanuts, but I have a family and bills to pay. I feel the job is beneath me, as is the case with this one. Not that I am not grateful I can do a lot better than what's being offered. I need to pay for my summer class. The kids are with my mom for the moment. Day care is shut down 'til next Tuesday. I need some real money. Speaking of which Curtis is trying to get his child support payments lowered that is laughable. He hasn't payed in three months so what is there to decrease. He says he want to be with me, having a hard time believing or trusting anything he says. His motives are not clear, I think he thinks being with me will lower or obliterate his financial obligation to X.E.,I can see where this is headed; he isn't pursuing me just wanting to get fucked. One day I want to settle down with the kids and have a nuclear family. Not sure Curtis is the one for this, he is so self absorbed and aloof. I tell the kids to ask for what they want but I won't do this with him for fear he may interpret such as being demanding. Being intimate with him is even awkward for me, he is much more aggressive. Like let's get to it, which is usually my role. This is hypocritical but his behavior is a turn off. He says he's monogamous, having trouble believing this.

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22
Aug 2007
9:31 AM EDT
   

A few more days til the princess'es birthday. All she keeps asking me about is "black" cake. She really means chocolate. When I was pregnant all Curtis ate was cake and sweets,which is what she loves as well.
Went to walmart yesterday the first cake was 77 dollars crazy for a kid. When I ordered her a cake that was comparable to the first the chick had a foul attitude. She rolled her eyes, when I spelled out princess'es name. I was like bitch whatever you dont have to take my money in my mind of course.
I also attempted to go to bible study to relieve my stress go figure no one was there. Eli took me to see the apartment again on hobart street, the landlord promises me its mine. I am worried though, it is a decent place. Eli once told me to stop assuming that he want to sleep me cause he dont like me like that. Yesterday he was on me like flies on shit. Begging talking about he will do anything if I just give him some. ugh ! He cant fuck, a generic energizer last longer than him! Yeah he is handsomebut he is an asshole for saying in the past beautiful people like me deserved to be raped. That is the main reason why I will never....
He is so sorry always claiming he has no money or food.
on to another subject, James called over the weekend to invite me to a dollar movie. Men are so damn corny, does he believe he can actually win my affections with that invitation. He always tries to get me alone, even after I told him I will never be alone with him. He is so transparent, and self absorbed. He defines himself by his employment. He can lull me to sleep with his constant inflating of his already magnamious ego.
Curtis and I chatted again about being together I have reservations. Questioning his motives at this point, does he think that laying down with me will prove to be beneficial to him. Not. I love him however, I want more than what we had. In some ways he has changed for the good that is. He is more outspoken. Wonder how he feels about marriage now or are his thoughts still the same. At one time I wanted so much to marry him, but now its likeI dont care. Being with Curtis isnt asroutine as it use to be. And that is all Im saying:) One thing I admire about Curtis is his quiet strength. We must get re aquainted, there are many awkward moments between us. I am often unsure of when to or how to approach him.
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21
Aug 2007
8:09 AM EDT
   

Ok here we go ... the cracker spoke to the kids in regard to the allegations I made against Joey. She spoke to the kids n.p. there, but most of her question was geared toward me. I don't know why she didn't show more interest in DJ and his situation. This is why I can't stand them nosy over zealous mother fuckers! If I have said it once..... Those crackers don't raise their children like African Americans do! I was watching wife swap last night one black couple and white couple the shit was off the hinges! Whites don't believe in corporal punishment that's why their kids are ill mannered and unruly. You would never see mine cutting up in public, I would whip that ass right on the spot.

That bitch was all up in business asking what my son said were "stupid" questions; Like does your mom feed when you're hungry, does your mom spank you, who resides in your house?. Whom do you live with? She already knows this, what she doesn't know is that I have prepped my kids on how to respond to questions from cps.

Spanking is not against the law, nor is it abuse. I made the mistake of giving her my work number this is a business, not the appropriate place for me to discuss what is going on with DJ. In some ways I regret calling them at all. They are like roaches once you have them its hard to exterminate them from you life.

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21
Aug 2007
10:44 AM EDT
   

I'm gone in a few minutes,next week thursday is my last day working here. I have to pay for my summer classes which is five hundred and some change. I have an apt with the new landlord. Hope he isnt expecting 600 from me for the month of august. One I dont have it and two why would I pay the full amount when Iam moving in the end of the month. I dont like change I am not in control of. Gotta keep living, considering moving and telling zay nothing. Let her ass figure it out when all our shit is gone. She is better living in the damn streets I cant take care of her nor do I want to. I got my own problems and cant fix any one else's. Why does she insist on running in and out of my house? She clearly has somewhere else to be so stay there is my thought. I dont want my kids to imitate her behaviors, such as drugs, laying up, being slack, nasty smelly and ghetto must not forget a damn drop out. Yes I dropped out of high school but for good reasons I was raped during the school year twice,the first time it was in the paper. Second time it was by her father whom I abhor with every cell of my being. I have wondered why he hasnt done the world a favor and killed himslef in a cruel manner. Like hang him self by his genitials. My mind is warped, hey what would expect from a sadist masochist?
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21
Aug 2007
10:26 AM EDT
   

Someone please tell me why I am I such a hateful little bitch.

I don't have a particular reason for diskliking the people I work with but I don't like them @ this moment. Their chumminess grates on my nerves. Yuck. I feel like an outsider, always have felt this way. I don't belong is how I feel. I am rethinking doing administrative

work all together. Being behind the desk all day can become

monotonous. Working with the mentally retarded appeals to me at this moment or maybe starting my own company. The problem with starting my own business is transportation,not having transportation is a big factor. Must find reliable transportation, that is after I sort out all the other bullshit in my life. Bankruptcy is something I have been trying to avoid but cant. Bill Collecter's call so much my toddler tells them my mom said she cant come to the phone. That's really bad. On top of that in a short while the student loan people are going to be hounding me down like a feign. I cant afford to have my student loan go into default again. Most of the information for filing chapter seven can be accessed online, the paper work can be done without an attorney. The internet is a wonderful resource of information.
Tried to contact the pastor several times, must've lost his number or he turned his cell phone off. Either way it works , going back to counseling even going to take the anti depressants. Hope doing so will not impove my life but productivity as well. Some dayswaking up hurts literally. Those commercials about how depression hurts mimics reality. Getting out of bed is a chore, or going to the bathroom.
Feeling kind of lonely, wish I had friends but dont. Cant relate to people or vice or versa. Must resign to the idea it is what is.
Cant sugar coat my present state. Life has gone to shit, acidic like lemons. Wish they weres some place for people like me to go other than hell.
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20
Aug 2007
10:28 AM EDT
   

It's about time for me to get off work and I have alot of crap to take care of. Dss is one of the places I have to go to. My son's arm needs to be checked out. I have to keep reminding myslef that I did what was right for him, well us. I dont want this situation to come back and bite me in the ass. zay doesnt is in for a suprise, she is will take dj her lovely little brother to the walk in clinic to have his stictches removed. They are crusted over and nasty looking, I told joey to take him to the emergency room to have it taken care of . Of course he didnt. What an asshole. He will will not be having any contact with dj, phone or otherwise. A court order to put distance between him and dj seems to be the next step. I am unsure about the process but it cant be that hard to decipher. I went to church yesterday, it was fine, he topic was "tell the devil to give me my stuffd my back. I was thinking hmm if the devil has it I am unsure whether I want it back.
But anyway, I spoke to the guy I have been chatting with via the lovely internet. From our chattering its evident there is no " love connection". He still lives at home with his momma. No Thanks. Curtis and I talked again about reconcilling and he mentioned that I am demanding. Which I readily acknowledge. I think he was suprised when I admitted that I still love him. Something keeps me wanting him and loving him. We been here before but nothing has come of it. I want to reach out to him, I have many fears, real as well as fabricated via my genius cerebellum.
During my last conversation with the pastor he remarked that he sensed that he could sense my affection for Curtis. Everybody who is aquainted with me is cognizant of how I feel about him. Perhaps this is what is preventing to entering into another relationship. God father once told me in order to get married, find a mate I first need to become single. This seems to be true in my case. I do love Curtis, but Iam not about to get rapped up in him like I once was. I cant decide what I should do if anything at all. He is definitley more upfront with his feelings. All my love for him amounts to the fact I cant marry him. Not that I dont want to one day, I cant marry someone I cant trust, with curtis you never know where you stand. I have to get out more, I am not about to be trippin' over shit I am powerless over.
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20
Aug 2007
9:20 AM EDT
   

I am pissed off about the visit D.J. had with Joey. He told me someone touched and Joey informed me his D.J. is lying. I believe D.J. all the way it was the first thing that came out of his mouth. His girlfriend called me acting a fool; those two deserve each other, fuckin' drama magnets. My mother is calling me right now as I type this cant be good Hmm what do you know its about C.P.S. They are going to the daycare to talk to him about what happened. This was the right choice for me, as his mother it's my job to protect him at all cost. Mrs. Donna is not happy about having them in her home, but I don't give a damn. I didn't know they were coming to the daycare. What they told me is that they were going to setup an appointment with a reach worker. For his father to dismiss my son's remarks really pisses me off. I didn't tell my mother what went down in Virginia. Because I heard her say in the background I got my own problems. Then when I went over there she asked me what my attitude was about. I hurry up and left before I exploded on her. She is so freakin fake it pisses me off. Supposedly my children stay with her, but for the short time they were there she called and asked me when I was coming to pick them up. But Yolanda was there with her daughter and she didn't have a problem being bothered with them. I don't fuck with her either, because she is very ambivalent: Also because we are on two different plateaus. I am single parent, she isn't, she is religious and close minded and I am spiritual and open minded to many different things. Basically it's this I just want to separate/sever all ties with them.

I harbor a lot of resentment towards my mother, which is my justification for getting away from her. I am certain that she doesn't care for me, she is who she is and I am who I am.

I am going to do everything within my means to get my kids back and leave them the hell alone.

A lot of different shit is stressing me out, like moving, my day care provider and a whole bunch of other shit. She just hung up on me or we got disconnected.

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14
Aug 2007
6:30 AM EDT
   

Envisioning the pastor being that close helps me behave myself. For sure if the pastor was truly there in that moment he would probably tried to slay the so called lust demon in both of us. Kissing James was nice, but I remember my mom used to say kissing leads to other things. Iam not prepared to take it there with him anyway.
But with Chad (whom I bumped into when I ordered curry chicken at the establishment his dad owns.) its difficult to keep my hands off of his married ass. Even though his hair is growing back, he is fine as ever. The sex was beyond good. We had our perimeters in place, no oral sex and always protected! MMM good. I wanted to put it on him right then! Men like him make it hard for me to maintain abstinence. When we were kicking it before emotions starting getting deep and I had to cut him off. He began to make statements like your mine, you better not be fucking other dudes. But he is married, I aint stupid. He scared me off when he start talking about love and some other shit.
On a serious note I am going to continue this path that Iam on. Yes I miss the fun but I am confident that the lifestyle I was leading would've lead to my spiritual and physical demise. And this sista aint going out like that.
They say its not good for man to be aloneHell its not good for me to be alone! God should hurry up and equip a handsome,assertive, intelligent, confident,trustworthy man to deal with me and my bullshit! That is so I can get married, and live the life I want and deserve.
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14
Aug 2007
6:12 AM EDT
   

back to what I was saying... I hope the pastor doesnt take a detour into a forbidden territory. I am heeding Curtiis's warning to be careful. Especially after the torment I went through with Michael. And truthfully I am not attracted to pastor's or men of the cloth, which I can thank Michael and that othr non de script fake ass pastor for.
On to another topic: I ran into James the Jerk while going to the daycare. He turned around, perhaps I should have kept going... We made small talk, then discussed how he reacted the last time we spoke on the phone. He has been liking me for many years. He decided we should try to make it happen. I went along for the ride, for awhile anyway. When I told him "I dont think its going to work out between us",he acted belligerent. He also proceeded to tell me I wasnt all that! The nerve of that negro he clearlywasntcognizant of my ability to crush his already faltering ego! Either I am dumb or a true romantic. We went somewhere last night, near water. It had a trail and something resembling a gazeebo with benches. Beautiful and serene are the adjectives that come to mind. We talked about why I gave the cold shoulder. He is handsome, articulate demanding and arrogant. The latter is a turn off. He told me how dare I or other women turn him down. His shit is on point, but he needs to stop bugging like his shit dont stank. He want a relationship not now but right now. He also wants to get fucked go figure. I told him that aint happening I am on my period (not true). He said he has taken it there before. I understand having been married you can do that. But now with someone you remotley know! That right there is beyond slack! Guess he thought he was gonna smack this NOT. Resisting wasnt an issue since I envisioned the pastor standing right behind him when he kissed in the mouth.
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14
Aug 2007
5:36 AM EDT
   

ok the morning has just started,and I dont want to be here. I dont know why this is. but anywyay I saw an apartment yesterday. It was nice nothing to complain about. Daniel is still in Va and I am concerned that joey may decide to try to kidnap him. I would go to Va to get him if he tried anything. Zay is on the same shit. I think she thinks she is fooling me. What she is really doing is making a fool of herself. Curtis and the kids and I took a ride sunday night. I know what was supposed to happen aftewards. I remeber the pastor's warning about giving the devil room to come in. Also about not being alone with men especially at night. I prayed a quick prayer for an escape, then my period came on. I swear this is not a mere coincidence. God has a sense of humor.

I am stressing about alot of stuff, most of it which I wont give a voice. Oh yeah the pastor called me, we chatted briefly. Something was right with that brother. I cant define it with words. I know something was weird or a litlle of kilter with him. I pray he doesnt come at me with some bullshit. I respect it and want to belieive its reciprocal. After the hell I went through with Michael. Have to take a hiatus.
I
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14
Aug 2007
5:22 AM EDT
   

cant seem to pull it together. I am so fucking angry I could really hurt a mother fucker. Mike Fleming the slum lord refuses to return my money. Last week I was evicted I started to type convicted lol. I m work but not really here my mind is on so many other things.

Daniel went with Joey last night to Virginia . That is what I needed. He should be getting his stitched removed soon. He should stay off that damn fence like I have told him so many times before. He seemed to be content to go off with Joey. And Isaiah is content to be with my mom. Zay swears she knows everything freaking thing and that she is grown. My question is that if she is so grown then why did she come back to my house? I didn't seek her out, tramps up and down the street and beg her to make my life more difficult.

I don't know what to do about my current living arrangements. Sunday I was ready to take it to the bridge literally! I need my money from the slum lord he makes my skin itch as if I have some incurable disease. It's obvious he has taken a liking to me that is not mutual. Can you say yuck? Last week the dumb bitch in payroll jacked up my check. So I had to wait two weeks which will be this Thursday.

Even though me and mother don't see eye to on most things she could relate to all the bullshit Iam going through alone.

Curtis makes me sick to stomach talking about how much he is giving me for her which a damn lie straight from the pits of hell. He is living well while Im struggling just to keep clean clothes on her. My washer broke I told zay to stay there so the service people from lowes could have access to the basement. Of course I got much attitude. I want to punch her in face, she swears she is some type of goddess that one should bow down and worship. I think she forgot who I am! She has all theses suggestions about how and what I should do with mine. All I got to say is that grown people don't live with their mother's.

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10
Aug 2007
8:33 AM EDT
   

Here Iam again, damn sometimes I wish I could be free of myself. I spoke to the pastor this morning around five a.m. when most people are sleep. He was at work and I just couldnt sleep. We talked about what it going onwith me. Knowing what do is half the battle the other half is applying it. Having a remedy for abstaining from sin is very helpful. Avoiding hell and And S.T.D's is vital to me. I now am aware that my eyes getting me into trouble... Iam not going to expound any further on that statement. Still havent found an apartment, fucking with dss isnt an option. Talk about bondage/ control ,and that (dis)organization comes to mind. Cant relinquish this new found freedom, being a puppetin addition to being controlled is a turn off.

I hooked up with Tony last night jade was there as well. Jade isnt a person its just the freaky side of me. Taking it there wasnt prevelant since were in the situation I might as well do it. It wasnt awfulbut wasnt feeling him. Had to get in to a zone. Fantasy is a powerful tool. He penis would have went limp if he could hear the way my brain was churning.

Changing my thought pattern will help overcome many things. Doing so seems difficult. Does it really take thirty days to break a bad habit?
Work is almost over, back to the grind for me. Yesterday zay called the police on some people standing in front of our home. Our neighbor sonja can not fathom why we have a problem with this. zay relayed to me that she stated I talk white.
I guessing speaking properly and wanting to live in a nice atmosphere is behaving white. She is so far gone, she so down she will never get out the gutter and that ghetto mentality. Truly sad. How dare she talk shit cause I want better for mine. sonja seems resigned to the idea of being slack,neglectful towards her kids as well as apathetic to her chronic roach/cdrug,pedophileinfested space she considers home. So sad.
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09
Aug 2007
7:32 AM EDT
   

I spoke to the pastor last night and told him about the superficial shit that is going on with me. But what is causing me concern presently is the desire to swing the other way. Why now? After being in heterosexual relationships my whole life. I am sure to bust hell wide open, trying to travel this route. Curtis sent me an email and said he was cool with me being s.s.a.; According to him he isnt shocked but that's a lie. i saw the look on his face that day in the car. As if he didnt know me at all, which is quite accurate!
I am very conflicted, my thought is that being with the same gender has to be less painful than being with a man. I have been raped so many times, that my brain has chosen to block the memories from racing to the front of my mind. I believe that being married to Ivan and being exposed to so much has played a major role in my gender indentity crisis. What am I going to do ? Not just about this but my livingi arrangements. No where to go, scared doesnt describe how I am feeling right now. Shit like this is what brings me to suicidal ideations. This sunday I could have done it! No question about it!
i wonder if people like my mother believe that I tell her that Iam suicidal for attention . Someone told me or I heard that people who contemplate suicide are just acting our for attention. But I know for fact that if you have a plan you will most likely follow through. No one else in family is like me, sometimes being different is troubling. Its hard to relate to my people especially when they are so jesusfied and sanctimonious.
When are my people going to be upfront and honest about suicide, homosexuality and the like. We are so freaking full of shit. All oour so call morals are bogus, most people have to faces. One for the public and one for private. It no wonder Iam so fucked up in the brain, being raised in this culture is enough to drive a person to insanity!
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09
Aug 2007
9:45 AM EDT
   

Ok I have decided to see where this will take me if anywhere at all. I put an ad on C.L. A few people responded, what am I getting myself into? I kind of knew this was going to happen. Maybe Iam just experimenting I dont know. Which is why I have to do this. I see how john other's feel. He's openly gay,that shit has got to be hard. I am not gay but I still can relate. I am not bisexual either. That is according to the kinsey scale, which states no one is 100% homosexual or heterosexual. That makes me feel safe lol. I have 2 figure this out on my own. I sense that some unseen force is driving me. Perhaps it is the devil who knows. I remember when I told my N.P. that I was attracted to the same sex. Of course he denounced this idea, it goes against all christian teachings and morals. Should I keep pretending and shoving down these feelings I have. Repressing it isnt working , but I am unsure if acting out my emotions is the answer either. Latley I am consumed with crazy shit running through my mind. I should make a choice,guess I already have. Seeing that I can never be with a woman totally and openly (because i have a healthy fair of hell and the big dude)plus I aspire to get married one day. I have a little flicker of hope left. Very little, a black man is a turn off as far as having a meaningful and serious relationship. Stereotyping isnt cool but hey most of them are liars, unemployed ,dead beat dads and just full of shit.
I have been abstaining from sex. Well actually I have been running from it literally! Its not easy at all. The phone rings and it all starts, when can I come out. What's up tonight? Can I bring Jade out. Jade isnt a real person its what my ex calls the freaky side of me. He likes it when I get aggressive during sex . A few times I slapped the hell out of him, he was suprised:). He liked it ,even told his now estranged wife about it. At least he wasnt married during that time. Scooby is on some get back shit, cant do it. He wasnt man enough to tell me we were done face to face. That is a black man for ya. Damn cowards I bet he wishes I would put this on his mustache but it aint happening. Not any time soon, he is going to suffer before I fuck him. It has been year or more since i messed with him. His shit is good but it that serious, I have options. He is clearly on the rebound.
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09
Aug 2007
9:45 AM EDT
   

Ok I have decided to see where this will take me if anywhere at all. I put an ad on C.L. A few people responded, what am I getting myself into? I kind of knew this was going to happen. Maybe Iam just experimenting I dont know. Which is why I have to do this. I see how john other's feel. He's openly gay,that shit has got to be hard. I am not gay but I still can relate. I am not bisexual either. That is according to the kinsey scale, which states no one is 100% homosexual or heterosexual. That makes me feel safe lol. I have 2 figure this out on my own. I sense that some unseen force is driving me. Perhaps it is the devil who knows. I remember when I told my N.P. that I was attracted to the same sex. Of course he denounced this idea, it goes against all christian teachings and morals. Should I keep pretending and shoving down these feelings I have. Repressing it isnt working , but I am unsure if acting out my emotions is the answer either. Latley I am consumed with crazy shit running through my mind. I should make a choice,guess I already have. Seeing that I can never be with a woman totally and openly (because i have a healthy fair of hell and the big dude)plus I aspire to get married one day. I have a little flicker of hope left. Very little, a black man is a turn off as far as having a meaningful and serious relationship. Stereotyping isnt cool but hey most of them are liars, unemployed ,dead beat dads and just full of shit.
I have been abstaining from sex. Well actually I have been running from it literally! Its not easy at all. The phone rings and it all starts, when can I come out. What's up tonight? Can I bring Jade out. Jade isnt a real person its what my ex calls the freaky side of me. He likes it when I get aggressive during sex . A few times I slapped the hell out of him, he was suprised:). He liked it ,even told his now estranged wife about it. At least he wasnt married during that time. Scooby is on some get back shit, cant do it. He wasnt man enough to tell me we were done face to face. That is a black man for ya. Damn cowards I bet he wishes I would put this on his mustache but it aint happening. Not any time soon, he is going to suffer before I fuck him. It has been year or more since i messed with him. His shit is good but it that serious, I have options. He is clearly on the rebound.
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08
Aug 2007
8:51 AM EDT
   

ok here we go, I chose this color because it matches my current mood i feel like shit. my birthday was on monday, the bitch from department of social service just called me. All she does is get on my damn nerves and try to pump me for fucking information that she can uses against me later. zay is on some bullshit she sneaks out of me house all hours of the night, last night before she tried to escape I informed real grown ups dont do this. she swears she is so damn grown , yet depending on me for everything. Including the air she breathes which i want to cut off quite often. Daniel is in virgina with joey and he is very much enjoying himself. He was working my last good nerve,I was about to snap on his little yellow ass. Isaiah is with my mom and doesnt want to come home right now, this works for me. So the only person home is princess, zay doesnt count.
today is the eighth shanay is suppose to be coming home after doing a year in a girls home. My life is moving very fast, I still have no where to go with the children. Iam stressed out, the jerk mike refuses to return my six hundred and fifty dollars. the apartment is a shit hole literally! All the walls have there own color;flourescent pinks, blues and greens. Mike calls this "art", I on the other hand call this a hot ass mess! Oh I failed to mention that the apartment has no runnning water, no toiliet and the icing on the cake is it that it has no electricity.
Mike came on to me, i think that is the reason why I wont rent the apartment .
I am turned off by men right now, not sure how long this will last.
Curtis came and got me from my mom"s yesterday that was nice. However I know that he does nothing without motive just like me. While he was driving i said I have a secret to tell you. He says "what your're gay". I explained to him that I suffer from s.s.a. or what some refer to as s.s.a.d.
He thought I was lying or perhaps trying to shock him. Why is it that the few people I have chosen to disclose to dont believe me or have a hard time accepting it.
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08
Aug 2007
4:11 PM EDT
   

I like the combination of the two colors reminds me of fire sort of. Back to that chick. I cant avoid her, our children go to the same daycare. In addtion to this we live less than a block away from each other. I can stand in the front of my house and see her apartment building. So why is she pressing up on me like this? Princess is acting needy and making me want to slap the shit out of her little bony ass. she obviously has me confused for curtis. I talked to Tony , same ol' shit as usual. Bet he was suprised when he asked for some ass and I told him I need some money. And I wasnt talking about penny change! Yes I need the money, however I dont make a habit of asking men for money. Especially one"s that I have an established "relationship with. Recently he was suprised when I told him he was shallow. Had the nerve to ask me what that meant! He so narrow minded as well as transparent. Can he dress up his requests, or disguise as something more pleasant than a quick fuck at some sleazy hotel. That I will not name, because alot of hoes and tricks frequent the place. I do not want anybody to we go there. Not often but we do.
Princess doesnt adapt to change well she just pissed on herself again. Frustrating very frustrating thats all... I guess I will find something else do with my time. Now that I have pretty much splattered my brain here. For now its empty. No more mindless raving or banter;
Til the next time journal :):)
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08
Aug 2007
3:50 PM EDT
   

I dont believe this chick just sent her daughter down here to ask me for ten dollars. That is very ungrateful on her part. How about the fact that she didnt earn the money, she was suppose to watch my kids while I was at work. When I came home the boys were no where in her sight. She was in the house, while they played outside alone. First she called, I toldher basically I couldnt talk right now, so she sends her kid down here. As if I am going to try to avoid her. How soon she forgets who washed her dirty ass clothes, who's food she and her greedy mini norbit daughter's ate! Obviously she cant recall when she didnt have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. I am the one who took from her kids to make sure them damn kids of hers and her man ate.
People like her make it hard for people like me to be kind to them. I guess its true no good deed goes unpunished. I am going to give her ten dollars then cut her loose. She has a man, I dont. Everything I get comes from one source me. He needs to get off his sorry ass and make it happen for sure. A few times she tried to out wait me to see if I was going to feed my kids during her visit. Cause she knows that if Iam feeding mine Iam going to do the same for hers. I won the waiting game,my kids were pissed even though I told them before hand hows shit was going down.
I need an outlet or an outing one or the other. zay left, this is just a pit stop for her. when she is hungry or tired of doin whatever she does she comes here. Why does she stop? Keep truckin is what I want to tell her quite often. you know so damn much, then know how to get on a straight grind and handle your shit! "Princess" Just woke up with damn whining that grates on my nerves Its worse than finger nails scraping against a chalkboard or a balloon.
I need a vacation, where would I go? Somewhere were kids are prohibited . That big dummy just had her daughter call me again. She is not only slow but ignorant. Chasing me down for ten dollars like a crack head needing a hit. Why isnt she woman enough to ask me for herself? I think she thinks because of the stuff I do: and the little I have that I possess a money tree that I can pick tens and twenties off of at my leisure. Dumb Cunt. So hw
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  • Username: nodeadends
  • Gender / Age: Female, 16
  • Location: USA - New York
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