nodeadends's Journal

Aug 2007
7:32 AM EDT

I spoke to the pastor last night and told him about the superficial shit that is going on with me. But what is causing me concern presently is the desire to swing the other way. Why now? After being in heterosexual relationships my whole life. I am sure to bust hell wide open, trying to travel this route. Curtis sent me an email and said he was cool with me being s.s.a.; According to him he isnt shocked but that's a lie. i saw the look on his face that day in the car. As if he didnt know me at all, which is quite accurate!
I am very conflicted, my thought is that being with the same gender has to be less painful than being with a man. I have been raped so many times, that my brain has chosen to block the memories from racing to the front of my mind. I believe that being married to Ivan and being exposed to so much has played a major role in my gender indentity crisis. What am I going to do ? Not just about this but my livingi arrangements. No where to go, scared doesnt describe how I am feeling right now. Shit like this is what brings me to suicidal ideations. This sunday I could have done it! No question about it!
i wonder if people like my mother believe that I tell her that Iam suicidal for attention . Someone told me or I heard that people who contemplate suicide are just acting our for attention. But I know for fact that if you have a plan you will most likely follow through. No one else in family is like me, sometimes being different is troubling. Its hard to relate to my people especially when they are so jesusfied and sanctimonious.
When are my people going to be upfront and honest about suicide, homosexuality and the like. We are so freaking full of shit. All oour so call morals are bogus, most people have to faces. One for the public and one for private. It no wonder Iam so fucked up in the brain, being raised in this culture is enough to drive a person to insanity!
Tags: Insanity
1 comment(s) - 11:27 PM - 02/02/2008
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  • Username: nodeadends
  • Gender / Age: Female, 16
  • Location: USA - New York
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