nodeadends's Journal

 
    
08
Aug 2007
10:35 AM EDT
   

I was just thinking what is private any more? This site says private entry, I bet my son could access my so called private entry without much thought! Hey I could go to the gym,but I dont want to bump into Omar the wanna be super hero. I had to change the color the other gave me a headache. What the fuck am I going to after work? I should pack the rest of my shit. One thing good my washer is working. At least zay stayed long enough to get it fixed. she needs to fix herself and stop pretending all is good. She looks like shit on a stick. Even curtis commented on it. I told him I think she is on crack, but what can I do? I am just her dumb ass mother, who has more experience than she will ever have. I have to focus on me and getting my shit together on all levels ! I have to get my issues in check so I dont rear my children to hate me. I am horrible mother, I scream and curse at my kids daily. Sometimes I take my shit out on them or pretend I am ill or sleep to avoid them. Why did I have them I ask my self? Would they be better of If I were dead it is a likely probability. What the hell is wrong with me, what the hell is right with me. I live in a nasty house, I step over the filth. And keep it moving. I have no energy, however my rage drives me on occasion to go places I wouldnt normally venture to.
In about twenty minutes its back to reality, where the street is crowded with wanna be thugs and pretenders. Every one is pretending even me. I see the same shit every day, drugs sold, police chasing the so called bad people out of the neighboorhood only to come back like roaches. I wish I could exterminate my surroundings , I would become a vigilante and kill all them mother fuckers who pollute my enviroment not just with drugs but with that ghetto mentality. You know how some of us believe that we arent accountable for the shit we do and that we should always get a damn hook up. I dont mind helping someone occasionally but damn I hate when my kindess is confused with being a lollipop. I aint a sucker. I have a little game, and can put it down with the best. But Iam educated and can incorporate my street savvyiness with everything else.
Like I tell my boys just because I/we live in the hood doesnt mean we have to behave hood. Speaking proper english is a wonderful thing,
Add Comment:

Add Tags:
To add multiple tags, please separate them with comma ( , )



    
08
Aug 2007
10:12 AM EDT
   

I wonder where god is right at this very moment, he must be on a long vacation. I have tried contacting him many times, via prayer and all I get in return is dead silence. I have to find something do with my time, Iam bored and frustrated. Everybody wants to get fucked, when will they get it that Iama person not just an object. I hated being treated like this especially from Curtis. It is as if he just doesnt give a damn.
I wonder if I will ever get married hell who would want to marry someone who is so scattered, emotionally that is. Work day is almost over yeah. More shit to stress about. I dont know how the property manager is going to take it whenI tell her that I cant come up with the security deposit in full. I called the house not too long ago and zay wasnt there thank God. School is coming up for the boys and I dont know what is going to happen. Whether I can afford their school supplies and sneakers. This job is ending and I need to have a plan in motion. I feel like such a failure, my english teacher played me. She clearly told me if I completed the required projects I would pass..... then the bitch gave me an "f". I sent her a nasty email, she can kiss the crack of this red ass that's what she can do for me.
Damn I am one angry bitch! I embrace it lol. On a serious not it is quite lonely being me. People usually misjudge me, I am so use to this, they dont take the time to get to know me. Church is going fine, nocomplaints. I dread going home but there is no other alternative. I have no friends, most people cant be trusted I feel. It not easy being me. maybe I will take some anger management classes again, third time is a charm right? I have been searching on line for resources to help me with s.s.a. or myshameful little secret.
Add Comment:

Add Tags:
To add multiple tags, please separate them with comma ( , )



    
27
Jul 2007
7:57 AM EDT
   

i went to bible study on Tuesday it was nice. Even though I we were the only people there. Sunday I went and made an ass out of myself. I cried through the whole sermon. I dont normally cry in public. I was just so distraught, with stress. I was sincererly contemplating suicide. I couldnt cope, life was frayingat the seams. I later aplogize for acting out. the pastor gave me his card. I called him, we had a candid conversation, ranging from relationship to spirituality. I feel very comfortable conversing with him. Pastor Robinson relates to me like a real person, no fakesness. Speaking to me on a level that most so called religous people wouldnt dareattempt. He has one my respect despite my obvious suspect attitude of so called pastors/ministers. Tuesday we went to church for bible study, he was shocked at much the children knew about the bible. Dj is funny he told him "this is to easy can you give us something harder".
Some time after that we spoke over the phone ,and inquired about the kids names. Especially "princess" he wanted to know what made me name her....
I explained that I was coming out and I wanted to always remember this.
Add Comment:

Add Tags:
To add multiple tags, please separate them with comma ( , )



    
27
Jul 2007
7:35 AM EDT
   

I am having a fucked up day. I am broke my check is delayed for two weeks payroll says my time sheet wasnt recieved in time. My daughter is at home calling me saying she is sick/hungry. I have no spending money whatsoever. I dont know what to do at this point. I have alot of stuff on my mind right now. I am still apartment searching, my bills are behind. I hope my phone doesnt get cut off.
Omar emailed me yesterday, whyI dont know. Especially after he insulted me, when he said my kids are bey bey kids. He even when on to say he isnt "the family type, he isnt a good boyfriend". If his intent was to push me away, well it worked. In the email he claims his attention is focused on me. I dont give a damn if it is, he is very infantile. He has no children, no job, and so no sense. I wish I never met him at all.
Omar needs to grow up. I dont have the time to allocate to raising someone else's child. I avoid going to the ymca were we met so I wont have to encounter him. I resoponded to his email. I let him know that Iam not into playing games or going for a rollercoaster ride. During one of our initial conversations he stated that he cannot provide for me and my children. which is strange seeing that I have never asked him to or insinuated this. He thought I was going to fuck him, unprotected again. The first time was a mistake shame on me. So what I cant get pregnant. Thats not the point. Trust is an important factor!
Add Comment:

Add Tags:
To add multiple tags, please separate them with comma ( , )



    
18
Jul 2007
5:52 AM EDT
   

today is a new day tomorrow has been lived and I cant undo it. This is what I keep telling myself. Yesterday the we went to the ywca of course, the boys swam while my daughter played and complained of a stomach ache. She had the bubble guts. After awhile she was fine. I saw Omar there as well. I was suppose to do join the aerobics class with him, but I couldnt do it. I just couldnt muster up the courage to show everyone how much of an idiot Iam really am. I have to left feet literally. Anyway Omar and I walked around the track a few times. We talked got to know each other better. It was nice and light. When we got on the elevator to get my kids ready for swimming the air becam thick, and suffocating. He kissed me and made me feel all of 12! He is very handsome and masculine. I asked him if our age diffference bothered him which he said no. I think it bothers me more than any thing. We have only been talking for two days, however to see us together you would think that we have been dating for years. He is very much into public displays of affection. this makes me a little uncomfortable. But I love the attention at the same time, I am one of those people who wince as if someone has dropped a hammer on my big toe when I see people kissing in public. Cant wait to see what the day brings.
Add Comment:

Add Tags:
To add multiple tags, please separate them with comma ( , )



    
17
Jul 2007
9:47 AM EDT
   

Today is the 17th of july Im at work and wish I wasnt. I dont ever want to return home my ceiling has caved in. and the list of shit going wrong is ongoing. I was recieving assistance from Dss, they cut me off partially and the little help they do give me they are fucking with about. Although I work at the school part time it is going to end soon. I have nothing except for my kids and sometimes I wonder why I chose not to terminate. I dont hate my kids right now, its just that Iam tired of doing everything alone. I am tired of being every thing to every one. I often consider suicide as a way out of the hell Iam in. I know this is insanity because if I kill myself I know am going to hell. I just dont know what to do. I need a real job, an outlet. My youngest kid has seizures which keeps me on edge. Her father and I are about to battle it out in court about childsupport. He is an asshole. He doesnt want to pay or help in any way. He thinks he is doing me a favor, he is doing what any responsible parent is suppose to do. So why should I praise him? I dont know what is going on with me most days. I am just so stressed out. I have alot of shit going on in my life. There is no one important in my life not a boyfriend. Despite the fact I am described as beautiful. I dont have any one in my life except me and the kids. For the most part Iam very lonely. I met this nice guy at the ymca where we spend most of our days. I met this guy name omar, he is handsome and younger than most guys I would date. Well my son daniel met him first. he is very well built, nice smile but he isnt old enough for me and on many levels very immature. I dont like to say immature because I dont think that is the right word. He hasnt expierenced alot in life, all he has to consider is himself. Im jealous I wish I could be like that. He has it made in the shade. He spent time with dj showing him how to work out. and play golf with him I cant wait to see him later today. I dont want to take it to another level and ruin things for him and dj. He is just what he needs a male to play rough with him and do guy things with. seeing him with dj makes me so happy, its like relief when I see those to together. Finally he has someone he can do guy stuff with. Isaiah cried yesterday when we left to come he did not to leave. Omar even walked us to the bus company and waited until we got on. I caught him eyeing me up and down. But other than being friendly we have nothing and I will make damn sure I wont let it get any further than that. He has no kids. But he is so good with kids. I look forward to the day being over so I can see him perhaps in the whirlpool with his shirt off. I get so teary eyed when I see other men their with their kids, and Iam standing all alone with the boys. I wonder if this has an effect on the boys the way it does on me. I could feel the tension between him and I like he wanted to kiss me but he didnt, I felt the same but wouldnt dare pull that crap in front of dj he must've known to because he kept egging us on. but of course I didnt. I love the attention I get from men. Its like wow they find me attractive and other time I think well I know they see me as an object. this is a great turn off! I like to be complemented dont get me wrong, but just staring or making references to my body parts is a turn off. there is this guy at the gym I saw in the whirlpool when I was there, he kept staring at me. but he never spoke to me and I saw him yesterday, same thing. I wish he would say hi or say something. Damn that shit gets on my nerves.
2 comment(s) - 08:15 AM - 07/18/2007
Add Comment:

Add Tags:
To add multiple tags, please separate them with comma ( , )



    
16
Jun 2007
6:35 PM EDT
   

My daughter is sleepy and I am not she is getting on my freaking nerves right now. Her play mate from daycare ate til she got sick and threw up on my damn roses. although "big mama is 5 and my daughter is almost four you could'nt tell by looking at them. My daughter is height proportioned and Big mama is about 85 pounds more than half my weight. All she does is complain my daughter is hitting her, eat every thing in site ask for more and try bully my daughter into sharing her toys. which I wont force her to do .

the police aledgedly arrested the thugs across the street from us. The police have been visiting across the street for three days consecutivley with out one arrest. I am told they had someone in the back, I didnt even bother to look. yesterday my son informed the officers on foot that the people across the street sell drugs, the officer told my son to call 911 if he sees anything. I instantly rebuked my son and told him if he did this I would beat his ass. And I so meant/ mean this. It is silly to call the police have our neighbors retaliate on us. while the cops take their white assess back to their quiet but pedophiled riddled suburban homes.They dont give a damn about us, thats why they take so long to show up when you do call them or just do show up at all. Life is fucked up.
Add Comment:

Current Tags: Life is fucked up right now

Add Tags:
To add multiple tags, please separate them with comma ( , )



    
20
Dec 2006
11:19 AM EDT
   

today is december the 20th just a few days before christmas, so much shit is going on in my already hetic life! My kids are climbing the walls and I mean that in a literal sense. I met someone not so new we took it to another level and now in some ways I wish we hadnt. He is really nice but some of his characteristics turn me off. It's been only three days since our first encounter and now he calls himself laying down the rules. All this equals control to me. I dont want to be with someone who makes me feel like a puppet on a string in regards to relationships. He wants me to be more affectionate I just dont understand how I can accomplish such feat in such short time. I am affectionate however I find it difficult and awkward being with him especially intimately. I want to take things slow and he want to come in and change the whole dynamics of my life. I really enjoy his company I just wish I knew how to be best own best advocate and tell him how I really feel without offending him at the same time. What makes it awkward to be with him is that we both belong to a very quaint church where his mom and stepdad are the pastors. This being the case he asked that I keep our dealing private..... I feel like I am dealing with a married man. I finally understand what the artist meant when he said if you loving you is wrong....
Add Comment:

Add Tags:
To add multiple tags, please separate them with comma ( , )



1 | 2 Prev 

nodeadends's Profile

  • Username: nodeadends
  • Gender / Age: Female, 16
  • Location: USA - New York
  •  
     
    Photo Album

    1-3 of 3