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    2Dazed  55, Female, Arizona, USA - 2 entries
Feb 2014
5:23 PM MST

Unauthorized Expectation

On Friday, Valentine's Day, a very dear friend of mine made me face the truth, something that I have been denying or flat out ignoring for over a year now.� First off, this friend and I are not intimate.� We have known each other for quite a few months, but only recently started hanging out.� The truth that he made me face was an arrangement that I currently have with another friend, a room-mate.� Our arrangement has been going on for well over a year and it is something that my new friend wants very much to take the room-mate's place in the intimate department.

The arrangement that we have really does not exist.� Occasionally we have sex and may end up at a club together, but that's all it is.� When we are at a club, he will acknowledge me to a point, and yet do his best to maintain the distance, our secret, I am his dirty little secret.� When his family or friends are around, I am pretty much ignored, in fact there could be someone sitting on the couch that I do not know and he won't even introduce me to them.... that is how much of a dirty little secret I am.� Not worth mentioning.

The new friend said in no uncertain terms that he, the roomie, does not see me as a person, a woman or someone who has feelings.� I am merely seen as an opportunity to have sex when it is needed.

The part that hurts in all this is that I put my desired expectations on the roomie without his knowledge.� I wasn't looking for a relationship, and yet, I wanted to feel acknowledged for something more than just sex.� I didn't think it was that big of an issue if he would personally invite me out somewhere on occasion, sit next to me on the couch to watch a movie without it having a condition of sex, to have sex and wake up next to each other in the same bed, not for him to get up and leave the moment we were done.� In all honesty, it makes me feel somewhat like a slut or prostitute, the only thing missing is money left on a dresser or nightstand.

And yet, knowing that I don't really matter to him, knowing that I am not worth his time and effort, wanting so much to be seen for me, I have allowed him to take a piece of my heart, I am in love with this man and I don't know how to just end it, put a stop to this arrangement.
1 comment(s) - 05:30 PM - 11/10/2015
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    bookunread  24, Female, California, USA - 2 entries
Aug 2016
11:17 AM PDT


I really wish someone could just know the feeling i'm having nd tell me what to do. My heart feels like it is actually �breaking, but i could never tell him that. There's so much i want to get off my chest and tell him, but i dont. I feel like if i do say something, i'll look weak. Like i have nothing better to do than to sit around and dwell on everything. Like i am ulitmately on giant burden in his life. I also don't want to start a fight, i mean it's bad enough i feel this way, he should either. part of me even feels like even if i do tell him, that he won't change anything. I sit up at nnight trying to fall asleep wondering if he's thinking about me while he's out til 6 in the morning drinking, which he has found to be his favorite hobby apparently.
I don't even want to say the words 'Break Up' out loud... �but boy have i thought them. I really am hoping he's just doing this for the first week and will soon settle down... that's what i'm praying for atleast... But how can you put a person through so much pain and not even seem to notice.... how can you go hours without �calling or texting and just assume that i get it or i don't mind. How can a boy who means so much to you treat you likr you mean so little... how to you fix a hurting heart?

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    luv2dnz  55, Female, Arizona, USA - First entry!
Nov 2016
2:47 AM MST

The Relationship Title

Lately I have been searching my heart in reference to a relationship that I am in. The problem that I am facing is that we are in a relationship in title only. We have been 'dating' for almost a year and yet I feel single.

When we met I made sure that he understood what I was looking for in a relationship.� I don't necessarily need someone to take care of me, financially I am very capable of taking care of myself.� But I was hoping to find someone to share my life with.� In reality, we see each other every week for approximately 2 hours due to a mutual game that we play, but we are not alone during this time.� As for 'us' time, we see each other maybe every 3 or 4 weeks, sad part�is that we live about 15 minutes apart, when we do it is because I have made the effort to spend time with him and it ends up being sexual in which I am no where near satisfied.� The man can't last more than 25 minutes, seriously!

Everytime that I invite him to my home, there is always a reason why that can't happen.�

So now, I know this relationship is going no where, so why don't I have the guts to just end it?
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