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She woke up,

and turned off the alarm.

No blood,

is to flow from this arm.

She looked out the window,

cold and shallow,

She held her hands.

"When will you come back again?"

She asked as the stinging tears,

swelled behind her eyes.

she couldn't believe it.

You're gone for good this time.

As i cry,

the diamonds fall from the sky,

as i cry,

the willow's weep,

as i cry,

i fall to my feet,

i cry,

because you no longer need me.

As I cry,

you walk away,

as i cry,

the pain begins to dance my days away.

As I cry,

no one stops to see,

the heart,

that's been torn right up,

and out of me.

As I cry,

daddy,

you're little girl is scarred,

as i cry,

mommy,

you're little girl wishes,

that you were there.

  I know love and I know loss. I believe that everyone has a soul mate. Yes, there are others you will love but there is only ( I believe) one soul mate. Mine has come and gone. It hurts every day of every moment of my life. The worst days are days like this. The days that you feel it in everything you do. Everything you hear or see reminds you of them. Every breath you take makes you want to scream and your eyes hurt from the millions of tears you have shed. You can almost feel them there with you, holding you, smiling... you can almost feel their gentle touch. The worst thing is that you want to stay in this miserable moment all day just so you can be there with them once more. Then you realize that you must come back to your present reality, the one with your new love that is always there for you. You can't be in this state when they get home. The hard part is to pull yourself together and say good-bye to those cherished memories once again until that horrible day comes that tortures you all over again.

death is harder for the living who've been left behind than on the dead who has been rid of all pain

I wish I had someone to tell this stuff to.

 But you can't say these you things. not out loud.. not to people who love you.  They will just be hurt, so you say nothing.

 But how I am meant to resolve it if I don't ever talk about it, or admit it?

 My inability to go out, to use the phone, to rarely be able to communicate more than a sentance online.. these things are real.  They are limiting.  They are things that much as I am striving to change, are something I can not ignore.  Plus, as bad as these things are to live with, they come with an associated cost that just makes it even worse.

 It costs me the people I love.  Because they don't understand.  They think I don't bother. That I haven't bothered.  The fact that I have pushed beyond my limits to make as much contact as I have is meaningless. Because it's not enough.  It never will be enough.

 And I am irrelevent.

I still have not emotionally processed what has happened recently. 

I don't know how I feel about the funeral yesterday, much less anything else.

I do know that when I got in the car to leave H's this morning I broke down in tears.  It was a good 10 mins before I could regain enough self control to be able to drive.  And on the way back to my folks house, the tears didn't stop.

I don't really know or understand why I was crying - I just needed to cry.  It seems my emotions are behaving healthily on some level, even if my brain is able to process nothing.

Pain.

Pain is the real story.

It's what lies behind everything.