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Well. SO MANY THINGS HAVE HAPPEND! since the last time ive been on here...that boy i was talkin to last..we dated..he was more than just a normal boy && i figured that out not in a well way. im not even too sure what happend still to this day..the middle of summer happend. he found a hotter girl..who didnt want him like i wanted him. but thats his mistake. in a way i felt like i made some BIG mistakes with him..i didnt know how to handle this 19 year old male who wants sex all the time. but i remember that night hanging out with him ..when he cut it off between us, as in dating. he tried to be so casual with it but i knew what that ass was going for. "this is our last night together so lets fuck" thats not the way he said it but thats how i heard it. but after him..i tried to be more cautious but theres been a few boys ive made out with..thats it..since him. he was my last serious deal. i need another one. its been too long && im not one to usually say that. but all these boys that i made out with...were for the wrong reason. i was using them for money, weed, drugs, alcohol...ya know the deal. i hooked up with 2 dealers..&& i got the deal...but wouldnt ever want a relationship with them. my mom would kill me if she found out i was datin the 20 year old mexican mafia dealer...the other one being 22...the 20 year old was sweet though...&& i might've but it wouldve been something on the low. my sisters couldnt even know. but then he disappeared the lene tex && like other mexican mafia drug dealers..they had warrants out the ass && couldnt get caught, so he said he was going out of town && he would be back but he never was. i would get random phone calls from him && we would talk forever..id let him know everything goin down in town..the business && what not.

but im falling apart...gaining weight which doesnt make sense..i guess because im not in sports anymore. i wanna live those days we were living last year at this time. i cant take this reminiscing anymore! it drives me nuts. i dont even party that much anymore..if u call sitting at your house drinkin with a few folks partyin then i am but thats not what i consider partying in my eyes. ive become a drug dealer in most peoples eyes. just get that little quick && make money && smoke for free. i feel as if school is going down drain too..but the grades dont show it. im making it. attendance shows it though..i cant help it! ugh! i cant write about my life anymore.

Okay, so I love this song called "Defying Gravity" from the broadway musical, Wicked. Whether it be the broadway version or the version Idina Menzel(Elphie) turned into a single for her CD, whenever I listen to it, during the�highest point�portion of the song, I get goose bumps. This song is so inspirational.

This song talks about, just what the title states, defying gravity. True, unless you are a bird, or some one who hasn't been detected by the Government to be able to levitate yet, then this is ALL just metaphorical.

However, the metaphorical sense is probably about the best sense, because it lifts up�your mood and just how you are!

To defy gravity, this means to not let things get you down! Defy whatever is getting you down, whether it be: life, parents, boyfriends, girlfriends, or even friends, work, school, the economic downturn this country has seen.

I have taken on this attitude in the last year, and it has helped TREMENDOUSLY! Life truly is what you make it, so when life gets you down, defy it! If you're flying solo, at least you're flying free!

Don't play by the rules of someone elses game...trust your instincts, close your eyes, and leap..Try defying gravity.

Don't accept limits just cause someone says they're so...There are some things you cannot change, but you won't know until you try...All of this and more is in the song. True, some words are in the broadway version that aren't in Menzel's version...

I have turned this song, "Defying Gravity," into a personal philosophy of defy gravity...I don't let things get me down. True, this mindset may make me seem cocky, but in truth this has made me more sure of myself, more confident, and a stronger person.

We all have the ability to defy gravity...sometimes it takes someone, to either push you over the edge to where you can't take it anymore, or someone to tell you that someone is opressing you so much that you need to defy them!

"Tell them how I am defying gravity, I'm flying high defying gravity..." Tell that to those who wish to keep you, your sould, your mind, your spirit grounded.

Defy Gravity, Defy life, Defy them all!

Patience.. is it truly a virtue?

Is it?

Can it be.. i mean ive waited for 2 years for the last guy i really wanted to be mine..

he comes to a realization 2 years later...

its been 2 years since ive been with him....

for 2 years hes waited on me..

love is such a crazy word for something that causes so much pain..

so much anger.. and grief..

so much stress...

hate..

hates sounds more appropriate..

love is cruel and evil..

i refuse to waste more time....

i was totally happy with wasting my time with a man that would never commit to marriage.. because i didnt plan on getting married anytime soon..

and for the most part we were living happily together..

now im living a nightmare..

i get looked at like a vagrant..

he cooked me breakfast...

im not sure if that was just cause he was up cookin..

or because he wanted to...

my heart aches so bad i want to combust..

i think time away will do me good..

hes doing what he wants to do anyways..

he always has..

its me..

that has learned patience....

its me that has learned.. heartache..

i felt better just blatantly being betrayed because at least that guy flat out told me..

i think its the trait of a coward.. who cant discuss thier feelings and let other ppl know what was going on.

But its clear.. crystal..

as always i have a very clear path that im going to take..

i will not deviate..

i have gone too far off course already..

all because of a man.. who had a hole in his heart..

that i wanted to fill..

but hes left me heartless..

i woulda took just the hole..

but the absense completely.. has me thrown.

im off balance..

i have to find my balance again..

i need to put my feet back on solid ground...

time will tell..

who knows..