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Sorry i havnt been on in such a while i no longer live with my parents so dont get to update much. i have got my own flat now i live with my partner and my son. Everything in pretty good tyler is more content and iam alot happier having a bit my independance and a bit more of a routine with tyler. Things havnt been to great between me and steven there is not give or take with him he never meets me half way. and i avoid arguing as much as i can coz he always walks out and i hate it, its not fair on me or tyler. i feel like most days i do everything the cleaning the cooking the washing and dealing with tyler bathing him feeding him etc etc ...... most the time things are ok just some days he can be really selfish. I feel like i dont exsist we are really struggling with money as he lost his job the first week we moved in so things are tight i feel like i have no nice clothes i never feel attractive. He never makes me feel attractive. we dont make love as much as we used to there must be something wrong with me he just not as interested only when he wants it and how he wants it what ui want never seems to matter i made myself look real nice the other day i looked feminen and attractive i felt really good and my sister said i looked nice and made a nice effort. All steven could say was ........why? i dont think he meant it to sound the way it did but i just feel like he never notices me. we never go out coz we are so skint i mean dont get me wrong things are good it just the lil things u know seem to be fading away a bit. anyway gotta go and shouldnt moan there are still people worse off then me .

our friend dorthy passed away.It just breaks my faith in the holy spirit,jesus christ,lamb of god his word and god himself. Agin, which has been happening for sevarl years now... and is happening over and over and over all the time. Faith and then no faith.. Peace in my spirit.. and then none.... no answers from the holy spirit. nothing of caLVERY OR HIS SON ALIVE. of calvery regarding my daughter AND WHAT IS HAPPENING BETWEEN HIM AND HER ME AND HER AND THE REST OF US,ABSOULTLY NOTHING IN MY OPIONION, �SHE IS TOTALLY ATHEIST AND HATES ME BLAMING ME FOR EVERYTHING IN HER LIFE AND NO ANSWERS TO ANY PRAYER ABOUT THIS. sHE WHOLE HEARTLY despises and hates me now AND HAS BEEN TURNED TOTALLY AGINST ME AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY., no answers.. from heaven OR EVEN FROM HER OR ANYONE ELSE. on waether my mother is dead or alive... no answer, as to why �MY family �NOW hates and disowns me WHEN THEY DID NOT IN THE PAST. i feel he has given the devil �A EVIL SPIRIT OR SPIRITS, a playground in our �HUMAN spirits, IN OUR hearts ,self ,soul ,and mind. CONDEMING US THROUGH THE BLOOD OF THE LAMB AND HIS LOVE AND HIS WORD BECUSE WHAT IS HAPPENING IS TOTALLY AGINST EVERYTHING HE SAYS IN HIS WORD AND HE FAILD ME MISERABLY BY CONTINUEING TO DO ABSOULTLY NOTHING AT ALL ABOUT IT TURNING HIS ALL KNOWING ALL POWERFUL ALL PRESENT BACKS ON US AND JUST WATCHING LIKE THAT DOES ANY OF US ANY SALVATION AT ALL YEA RIGHT. i AM TOTALLY CONVINCED OF THIS TOTALLY BY WHAT I FEE,HEAR AND SEE FROM HIM AND EVERY OTHER SPIRIT. MEANING HUMAN THAT ARE REALATED TO ME IN MY FORMER FAMILY FAMILY THAT LOVED GOD AND ME THAT I GREW UP WITH, AND SPIRITS OF THE �OTER WORLD AFTER WE DIE.. �I BELIEVE THIS� statement whole hardly AND COULD NEVER BELIEVE ANYTHING ELSE BY WHAT I AM EXPEREINCEING INSIDE ME AND OUT SIDE OF ME NUTS OR WHAT EVER. NON BELIEVERS SAY IM NOTS OTHERS WHO THE HELL CARES WHAT THEY SAY THERE NOT GOING THROUGH THIS IN ME I AM ALONE OBVIOUSLY. and am totalyy convinced of �THIS. so i hurt. in my spirit. the fruits of the spirit are not in �ME AT LALL I CANT EVEN PUT ON A HAPPY FACE ENJOY LIFE OR PLAY PRETEND ANY MORE EVEN THOUGH I HAVE A LOVING HUBAND AND FAMILY HIS MINE BY MARRIAGE ONLY WHILE HE HAS BOTH ME AND HIS FAMILY.. IT HURT S ME TO THE CORE OF MY SPIRIT AND BEING THAT GODS MERCY DOSNT EXIST FOR ME AND MY FAMILY BEFORE MARRIAGE. �or my atheist daughter �WHO IS SO BLIND SHE CANT EVEN PRAY OR HELP HERSELF IN ANYWAY. LIKE DEMONIC POESSION. AND� the family . THEY CANT OR WONT TURN AROUND EITHER AND I CANT EITHER IT EATS ME UP INSIDE THANK YOU JESUS HOLY SPIRT THANKS ALOT I COUNTED ON YOU AND BELIEVED YOU AND DAM IF I WAS MISTAKEN TO TRUST YOU AGIN DAMIT ANYWAY.that has turned there back on me... i pray the word, witness for him obey to the best of my human ability and it has counted for nothing for about 5 yrs or more not caring enough for me and mine to give an answer in a positive good way like he cliamed in the spirit of his holy word shame on me for thrusting shame on me im stupid . pray the spirit of the word and nothing. is i study the word i stay in the word i do everything he has said from his word and still unsanswered being totally hateful he and his word has turned his back on us totally �soemtimes i see his guidence through emails and messages from churches and websites but how do i know anyof his message is for me or mine when no answers to the prayers said for the 2nd or eternal death for grace love mercy and salvition through his spirit of his won words out of his mouth that hasnt happened or coem to pass . im at an all time low i cant fight this battle raging in my spirit anymore while i watch my shild as i sit here knowing that she could die anysecond and life for eternitiy in the damed from gods presence. �this is more then this human can cope with where is the truth in the spirit of gods word the bible why dosnt it come to pass for us?????�

I guess everything is changing, and I dunno what I think about any of this. I feel betrayed by friends, and a lot of things are frustrated me. I guess becoming close with new people, cause the old ones to start drifting.. I can't really write much on here, I feel like I can't even trust a personal website, where you're suppose to write everything. I feel like not many people can be trusted anymore, and let alone something like this. It is so annoying how shitty and low people will go, just for someone else. I guess this isn't even entirely about me, well actually very little of it is. I see one of my new really close friends, constantly being betrayed by a lot of people, and I relized how shitty people are now of days. How they will do anything, just to make them feel superior, when really it makes you shittier then the person before you. So many people are like this now, so many people suck at being a good friends, and good friends seem really impossible to find. I am so glad, that I now keep my guard up a lot more then I use to. I don't know what I would do, if every day passed and I had to worry about someone betraying me. It doesn't seem to matter how close you are anymore, because everyone seems to just love to do it, and its happened more then it should have to me in the past.

I'm sitting here by myself in the hotel room. Steven is downstairs working on some project downstairs in the lobby. Leaving me to be myself, im left alone with nothing else but my thoughts and feelings.

While, i'm glad to be going home back to sunny san diego (even tho i hear that its raining) i dont want to leave. I've found myself feeling so god damn comfortable. Sleeping next to him, waking up next to him- being in his arms. He makes love to me and i can do nothing but look into his eyes. I like.. no, i love the way he looks at me when he's inside me. our eyes connect and its just something special. Well, it is to me- i dont know what he thinks. He tells me i'm beautiful or how fucking hot I am. But you know men- for all i know, i could seriously just be being used for sex. It's nothing new to me- used and abused. Sometimes I wished I didnt feel. Just be able to enjoy the feeling, without having those feelings of wanting something more. Something deeper... i can't help it. i wear my fragile heart on my sleeve. I expect so much - i wish i expected NOTHING. Take it for what it is- day by day. But no.. i'm fucked up. i hurt myself.. for absolutely nothing. There's nothing for me to feel sad for. i should only be feeling happiness.. i really should. But its not like that. not at all. its that clock ticking inside of me. Wanting to know.. wished he would tell me how he felt. I can believe i even let my feelings known, and he doesnt really say anything.... not that he has to - probably haw nothing to say. Probably feels nothing- to that extend. Just enjoys my company- enjoys my body. nothing more nothing less. can't ask him- cuz he wont really answer..... i already know.

I'm watching him work across the table from him. His eyes so intense... i love his jaw line, so defined. glasses on, glasses off- he's so sexy. I really can't stand it.

It really is my fault. I'm just attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable to me when i all i want is their love. Or they are the men who show their love in ways that are unknown to me. He's already admitted he's not the romantic type of guy- and here i am, ms. hopeless romantic... mismatch in heaven? Do i just learn how to deal? I guess i have no other choice.

What to say? What to say? I have an idea! How crazy. I just went to Florida and it was absolutely amazing. I'm so freaking tan now. Its kick ass. Because up her in New York (near Canada land of the moose, right above us...) we've got snow like crazy. I mean down in the middle of the united states, theyre all omg weve got an inch of snow lets close school for a month! not even kidding. How did I get so off topic? no clue. check me out www.myspace.com/kaitygirl214� peace!�

When someone let's you down, it's the worst feeling on earth.

When you're reminded of it, that's just like dying.

Why? ..Most of us want to know why that person did such a thing to us. Simple. Out of sight is truly out of mind. The easiest thing for a person that's embaressed or ashamed, or one that has a very low self-esteem is to exit. "Escapism". So they turn their back on the mess they made, and just walk away.

Where's Karma? Where's the Universal Law? Where's the Law and the Prophets? I guess I'll never know.

There's a lot I'll never know. It's not like you get to sit back and watch the movie. You kind of have to deal with it as it happens... to you.