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Racquelc6 47, Female, New York, USA - 28 entries

Apr 2011
8:24 AM

It's not FAIR!!!

I think it's finally over. I feel horrible that there is a sense of relief. I should be feeling heartbreak not relief. The first D&C not going correctly has robbed me from having the feelings I should have had about the loss of this pregnancy. I swear after the second D&C that the chunks that were coming out was my baby. Everyone kept saying no, that it was just blood clots (mind you it wasn't even red) but then I got a call from my doc telling me that they tested what they sucked out at the D&C and it was fetal tissue. I knew it!!!! I wanted to keep it and bury it but I felt silly and stupid after everyone said it wasn't possible. Now I have lost that opportunity as well. So nothing to bury to give me closure and no feeling of mourning because the whole situation was so horrible and drawn out. It's just not fair.

Tags: miscarriage, mourning, sadness

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1 comment(s) - 03:22 AM - 05/04/2011

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linchaohuan 38, Female, New York, USA - 144 entries

Apr 2011
8:55 PM CST

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1 comment(s) - 01:41 PM - 05/04/2011

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opinionated 32, Female, United Kingdom - 41 entries

Apr 2011
9:44 AM AST

Forget Christmas--Easter is the shittiest time of year.

Allow me to explain the situation. My family has two faiths, Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox (I don't even know which. I've gotten different answers from the different people I ask). Forgive me for judging my parents, but I see it as a HUGE failing on their part to not pick one religion and stick to it. Sure, go nuts teaching us about the other, but do NOT have us, as a family group, celebrate both. There are two Christmases and two Easters, and every so often we have the misfortune of the two Easters falling at the same time. My father, being the Orthodox, has a whole other procedure to follow, getting the eggs blessed and all that. I've decided that not only is it exhausting to try to ascribe to two religious practices, but also fundamentally wrong--the whole point of religion is that you pick one and stick to it. I only ever realised that--only ever was told, that is--in the last few years. Hell, people go to WAR over things like this. And I'm no huge fan of organized religion, and I'm pretty sure that the God that I believe in goes against both of my handed-down beliefs ('beliefs' used in the loosest sense). Regardless, we are forced every year to go to two church twice, and (as I had the misfortune of forgetting this morning) eating a communal breakfast with all the blessed food that I've despised since childhood. I like to think that my brain does an excellent job of erasing all those awful memories, and so this morning it completely slipped my mind.

I know many families dread getting together and having to deal with all their crazy relations. I, on the other hand, dread their not coming. There is a shitload of things that my parents wouldn't DREAM of saying in front of company that we get to hear before their arrival, and believe me when I say that it doesn't lead to Christmas carols or joyful cries of Christ is Risen!. It nauseates me, that two people could have so much anger in them. And to someone who is as sensitive to emotion as I am, trust me when I say that sitting at a breakfast table with two people seething, one angrily resentful, and one aggressively uncaring is enough to take away my appetite. Shit. And so I await the time that my aunt and uncle and cousins come, because then my parents won't say the things they would otherwise. I won't get into the hypocrisy of that here.

At some point, I'm going to have to tell my father that I'm choosing Catholicism (despite its less-than-stellar reputation). He's not going to be pleased, but he can bite me. I'm an adult, and I've been capable of making my own decisions, ideologically and otherwise, for years now. And besides, I know that I'm not really a Catholic believer. Like I said, my God diverges in a great many ways from theirs.

May all your Easters (or long weekends) be less painful than mine.

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2 comment(s) - 09:52 AM - 04/27/2011

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Guoxiaosi88888888 29, Female, China - 494 entries

Apr 2011
8:55 PM EST

Dream Log 6

April 24, 2011 5:02pm

Dreamt about my friend Emily taking her driving test don't know why :/ �And I think that's all I dreamt about =.='

Tags: dream, log

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keonyama96 31, Female, Kansas, USA - 191 entries

Apr 2011
7:40 PM

Happy Easter

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Guoxiaosi88888888 29, Female, China - 494 entries

Apr 2011
8:56 PM EST

Dream Log 5

April 21, 2011 4:22am

Had a dream that I had a class with Phong. The teacher was first mrs. Tortorella and then ms. Kowite. (we were watching part 1 of a movie with mrs. Tortorella and then the other half while doing book work with ms. Kowite). When the lights came onPhong accidentally wrote down the homework in the book with pen :3 hehehe. �I think his voice is starting to sound different in my mind :( I don't remember his voice being so much like mine, in fact his voice was probably deeper :/. Well after that I don't remember anything else other than I was in afterschool and my phone went off :3. And it was dark for some reason and they wouldn't turn onthe lights so people could see where they were going ><

Tags: dream, log

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Guoxiaosi88888888 29, Female, China - 494 entries

Apr 2011
8:56 PM EST

Dream Log 4

April 18, 2011 7:29am

Had a dream that Isaac and I had to get after school detention because we kept going to a seminar thingy instead of history class. �Also I dreamt (in that same dream) that Isaac was over at my house and that he was in bed (in the secret passage at my house, which I don't have.). Other than that, that was basically my dream.

Tags: dream, log

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alabrat 57, Female, Tennessee, USA - 6 entries

Apr 2011
10:50 AM

long time no see, journal

Sooooo, a lot has changed since I last updated here.� The last relationship I was in did indeed, come to an end.� We are friends, it was sad, I still care deeply for him, but he just didn't have time in his life for me with the new job and existing priorities.� Such is life....
I have met someone new, well, I didn't actually meet him. We've known each other since our childhood.� Had a little crush back when I was 15 or 16.� Things took off rather quick and heated and now I seem to be getting mixed signals... just not sure how to take him.� He was working out of town when we reconnected, told me to call him anytime and we sometimes talked for hours, he would text me as soon as I was up in the mornings and we would chat on facebook throughout the day.� One day he called me 5 times!� We set up a date for when he got home and we were both pleasantly surprised.� However, it quickly turned into a sex thing, and I was dumb enough to let it go there.� Since then, we go through bouts of lots of contact, to very little.� I've asked him point blank if he would like for me to just leave him alone.. his response was not a "beat around the bush kind of answer but just a flat "NO"� He immediately called me and asked why I would think that.� I responded with I didn't know, I don't want him to think I'm a psycho that expects him to contact me constantly or even every day.� He has told me that he is no good at relationships and he always screws them up. I just don't know if I should remain engaged or just back off....� Just when I think, ok, I'm not going to contact him anymore until I hear from him he'll call or something.� So I'm not sure why I feel this way.� Its just weird.�

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4 comment(s) - 03:23 AM - 05/04/2011

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AleaTravis 64, Female, Colorado, USA - 3 entries

Apr 2011
10:12 AM

e-mail phone contacts Colorado Blue Spruce-Newtons Measure them Brian's Rx Grocery Store Bank Cleaners Liquor Store

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1 comment(s) - 03:23 AM - 05/04/2011

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Guoxiaosi88888888 29, Female, China - 494 entries

Apr 2011
9:40 PM PST

Wheres the remote that can be used to fix points in your life?

Sometimes I wonder why there can't be redo buttons and pause buttons, maybe even a rewind button. Sometimes when we mess up a moment of our life that we didn't want or didn't expect to happen, we want to have a do over. Even though there are ways to fix things without using the click of a redo button, there are some things that just can't be fixed without a painful memory sticking to you. There will also be times where you need a pause button to give yourself to think for a long time, nit just a quick second. That's not enough time to think a thought throw. And lastly, the rewind button. This is not like the redo button, it only let's you look back at what you've done in your life. Sometimes you need a visual of what happened back then not just what you imagined in your head. At least I think so...

Tags: Guoxiaosi88888888

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