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Right now I am chillin with my best friend Justice right now.. yeahhhh� well I will wtyl

i have no confidence!!!

helllllp

i know people say that, but seriously...

Got a call from Lisa yesterday. I love her, she's always shown me that she cares about me and she's such a genuine person. I am proud of her, she's overcome some pretty challenging hurdles in her life. She has a good heart, she's easy to be around, she's very funny and she has a comfort about herself which makes you feel the same when you're with her.

She's been my stepsister forever, well for her it's been like forever because she was 6 when my dad met her mom, I was 16. I was busy with my life when my father decided that it would be ok for him to move out of the house where he, Bear and I were living together and�go move in�with Shirley and her two kids that were still living�with her.

I didn't spend very much time�over there, I think I can only remember one invitation from Shirley to come eat with them. It wasn't long before they all moved from SF to Petaluma which put a 1hr. drive between us which only served to justify our growing distance.

As the years went by and�I�began my family I started to realize that my father didn't really seem to care about participating in that. He was busy with his new family. Shirley's children kept him busy,�Lisa was the baby in the house and the last to move out.�She had a good thing going there which didn't go�unnoticed on the visits we'd make a few times a year. I'd�hear the special nicknames they had for each other.�I'd notice their inside jokes,�and the bowling trophies�on display.

I don't know when exactly, I knew that she�was my Daddy's Girl, and that she thought of him as her dad. It wasn't a conscience thing, it just sort of became part of the story as time went by. I don't think I resented her, as I don't think I do now. I know that once in awhile I'd feel jealous but it wasn't ever something I couldn't handle. I was used to being in the�background of my father's life. I was used to getting�his leftovers, used to chasing him.

In our conversation yesterday I felt the love and respect that I have for her and at the same time the old jealousy tweaked my heart a couple times. I hope she didn't know, I don't want to make this time any harder than it�already is for her�(grieving the loss of her mother). I want to be supportive. I want to fit in. She called to make sure that I knew that my family�is considered included in the hour before the memorial starts�for "the kids" to be part of an "unvailing" of the urn that�Dad selected and no�one has seen yet. I appreciated that because Dad had mentioned that that was going to take place but the way he phrased it, it sounded like that was going to be a time for just Shirley's kids. I could respect that if that's what they wanted, like I said, I'm used to the background.

If you were listening to�my end of that phone call you wouldn't think there was anything difficult other than the obvious ( ie;memorial plans)�but I felt the familiar�tap on�my shoulder of the "other me" that had to take the phone and do the responding while Lisa told me the stories of how she's there for him and how he is turning to her.�

I had to tell her that he's pushed me away, that he told me, "You don't need to keep checking on me." I was comforted by her encouragement that�I need to ignor that talk from him and go see or call him anytime I feel like it, in fact,�he's told her the same thing.�She made sense, he doesn't know what he needs and we just want to show we care. I was impressed with her maturity in that knowledge.

In time, I'm hopeful that I can find my place with my father without having to push Lisa aside.

In the meantime the number one thing that's on my mind right now is that we FINALLY have an African American President. I'm so proud & happy that a lot of our country has looked past their selfish ways and did what is best for this country. Man...I know that if McCain had won the Presidency, I would have definitely moved out of this country! The U.S. would have been S.O.L.!!! Aside from the fact that I believe Obama is going to be an excellent President, I think Obama as a man & as a person is an exceptional example for our young men, especially African American men. His wife Michelle and his children, Sasha and Malia are just beautiful and I am so happy to have them as family to represent for the people of this country!!

TIMELESS TEARS

I fall,

you try to catch me,

as� i slip through you're hands,

nothing's the way i planned.

Now I cry, because,

a love so thoughtful,

is now dead,

and timeless tears,

are now too bled.

Now i cry,

because everythings,

not the way,

that it should be,

and now I am slowlyd dying,

A love so thoughtful,

is now dead,

and timeless tears,

are now too bled.

Over and over she's locked in dispare,

questions her self,

did I do the right thing here?

He yells when he abuses,

leaving my heart full of hurtful bruises.

A love so thoughtful,

is now dead,

and timeless tears,

are now too bled.

~KL~

I want children and with the way my life is going that isn't going to happen.� Everytime I put my heart on the line the guy gets bored and absent.� When did finding someone to love and love you back become nonexistent?� I'm in a relationship at the moment and all I get is the silent treatment when I want to talk about the future.� He's is a great guy and says he wants to settle down, but I only hear this after a six pack.� He's stationed in Vegas and I just got called back home to Texas to take care of my sickly mother.� I've lived here in Vegas�part time since before thanksgiving and now when I'm just beginning to get used to the weather here my mom falls sick.� I tried talking with my boyfriend about what to do when I leave... either take a break or push through the distance... and I got a shrug of the shoulders.� I know I shouldn't dwell on the little stuff but he proposed a week after I moved permanently to Vegas... or so I thought.� I told him I would think about my answer and I was about to tell him yes when I got the news about my mother.� I'm out of answers and I don't know what to do.

Well theres one thing i have to say, life SUCKS ans its isnt fair, its mostly school that makes me miserable and plainly that, school isnt for teaching anymore, its for stressing teenagers out. middle school wasnt easy either, theres always mostly evil teachers that you want to scream into their� ears and throw them out a window. Especially my tutor, she drives me so mad i need to grit my teeth and use my lips to cover it. we have this thing called activities week, wich is the last week befor the summer holidays. and i wanted to do an activity called big art, i got put on my second choice and i cryed into my best freinds lap, and� my other best freind gave her slip in realy late and she got put in! and everyone switched to big art when thwy were going to do 5 day activties rather than a week. and i got put on my second choice, my tutor knew i didnt want to do my second coice (scrapbooking) much, and she said to me with a smug look "is that what you wanted?" and i nearly killed her. so me and alo of my freinds went to reception and asked to change, their going to tel me on monday i wont have a good time if i dont get to do that.

My daughter has been really sick for 3 days with a fever. I feel so bad for her.